I Surrender

4th Day

2011-12-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

It is the fourth day of my food change. It has been easy. I was sick to my stomach the night of the first day but I don't believe that was related. The good news was the next day I did not go for sugars and comfort foods like I used to do when sick. I eased back into food and ate wisely according to my parameters.

What I find is that I don't have any carb cravings when I eliminate certain foods, and I feel more relaxed and calm. And focused. Eating carbs and sweets is distracting. Sometimes I feel like I am missing something in my diet, I miss fruit but I will add that back in later on after this two week stabilization period. When I feel like I am missing something it is really the recreational aspect of eating, so I reach for a book or do something. Or I have a drink of water or a cup of tea. I am not missing nutrition because I am getting enough of that. It is the habit of snacking. It has been quite easy.

I prefer eating like this. So I will keep on doing it!

MIA and Blog Trouble

2011-12-11T12:36:00.001-08:00

I haven't blogged in two months. Then I had trouble getting in because I did something and it told me to use a new browser. I don't like this new upgrade but mainly because I have to adjust to using it.

I do like that I am giving myself two weeks of South Beach phase one prior to Christmas. I gained at Thanksgiving and instead of it coming right back off it has stayed. So I am inspired to do something permanent. Move forward. Let go of old ways. I love the reading at the link below.

http://refusetoregain.com/refusetoregain/2011/01/losing-weight-after-fifty-menopause-and-other-issues.html

2011-09-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

This is me before going to church on Sunday. I was smiling at the cat who was walking up to me.

I have lost six pounds, rather slowly, but steadily. I don't know why I have not been blogging. One thing I noticed was that when I was too focused on losing, I got stalled. When I got more active and diverted my attention from losing (but while applying the principles that work) and had some fun, I lost. I have been swimming and steaming at least once/twice and sometimes three times a week. I love it. I also did volunteer work three Mondays in a row where I went with a group to various locations of homeless camps in the city, and brought food, clothing and blankets. I missed this week because grandson had therapy, but I fully intend to go back. I missed the people we visit. I want to know how they are doing. This experience has enriched me and taken the focus off of the day to day me things. I also have been dating a guy but not seriously yet. We have had some fun and connect on a few different levels. It has been fun. I am still "looking" though and may be meeting another guy. I am trying to meet men that I can connect with on a spiritual level. I find when I do that, even if the relationship does not work out, I am still better off than before I met them because I learn things. I am still taking long walks on my lunch hours, working hard at the office. I have also begun seeing a chiropractor, my shoulder has been tingling. I am going to give him a chance. He is holistic and treats other conditions. I am keeping an open mind. I also have a church buddy. She is a friend I have made in the past year. We have gone to two different churches together and have decided to stick with one of them for a bit. It is nice not to go alone. We have basically the same feelings toward religion. Her husband is not interested in going, so it fulfills a need for both of us.

I guess I am getting balanced, being mindful and growing in one way while shrinking in another! I think there's a correlation here somewhere.

More will be revealed....

Update

2011-09-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to Vickie for reminding me that I have not blogged in two weeks. I have lost a few pounds, though. I have been swimming, walking and using the cardio/weights at the gym regularly for exercise. I am not sure why the weight dropped, except that my food volume may have dropped slightly. I kept wondering why the weight was at a stand still. I hope I have some momentum now and can keep it moving. I certainly do not want to gain my little loss back. So I keep moving. The weather is cooler and that allows for more outdoor time.

More later when I have time...

Water Therapy

2011-08-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

I have not been able to take a trip to the waterfalls for a couple of weeks. I was going through water withdrawal, so I decided to pay for a year at a certain club where I have a lifetime membership. My dues are very reasonable. I can now use the pool and steam room on my way home from work. It is wonderful. It is a full service gym, but I like my other gym better for cardio and weights. I love having the pool and steam room. I have been twice this week already.

My back was hurting last week from sitting at the computer and being tense. I felt that swimming would loosen it up after a long day at work, and it does. I am so happy I did this for myself. I love to have variety in my exercise routine. I do hope to go back to the falls again a few times before the season is over. There is nothing like the falls. The pool/steam room therapy will work for now.

Oops

2011-08-19T15:17:00.000-07:00

Two weeks went by fast. I had a nice little waterfall session the night before my birthday and then on birthday morning. But I got depressed later that day, finding myself alone at home with nothing to do. It was weird. I had changed plans and come home early and.... Anyway, it matters not, that is ancient history. I have been plugging along working very hard. Week after birthday there was some work stuff going on, layoffs on the horizon, and other unrest. It came after 2nd quarter earnings report. I have been practicing my positive thinking and still enjoying my job. It took a couple of days to adjust, though.

Kids are back in school, and we have been doing some family bonding. My real birthday celebration was going out for dinner and frozen yogurt with the kids and then coming back and playing rock band on the wi. It was fun. Last night we did dinner again and took daughter's boyfriend. We are going to make it a practice at least every couple of weeks even if it is just out to the frozen yogurt spot. Or a dog walk, etc.

Food and exercise are the same. I am in maintenance again but mostly focused on keeping myself on an even emotional deal.

More later..

Grateful

2011-08-04T05:50:00.001-07:00

I like to look back a year once and a while and see where I was. Last year at this time we were still finishing up my mother's move after my father's death. I had not started my regular walking yet, which is one of the things that drew me out of that deep depression. But I was getting close. I had ordered some HCG, I had tried the Body for Life and other somewhat drastic measures but could not stick with them. I was frustrated.

I am grateful today that I have more self-acceptance and that I took measures to address my depression, even though it was a slow progress. I have not given up on losing the last 10 or 20 pounds. And I believe I can. I am grateful that I have made some major positive changes in the past year. Changing jobs was one of them. Finding some spiritual guidance was another. There are several. They address my daily well-being emotionally and spiritually.

Yesterday was another balanced day. I went to the gym on my way home. I am looking forward to going on my little birthday getaway. I am meeting a man who lives near my friend's house. That might be interesting. And I get to go to the falls and clear my mind, and heal.

I took this picture last year when I out hiking in the fall. That was a nice phase in my life. It was solitary and I remember feeling a little lonely doing all those hikes alone, but it was meditative, and part of my healing process. I like pictures of paths, roads, walkways - symbolic of looking forward, staying on a path, and the excitement of new discoveries ahead.

More will be revealed!

Better

2011-08-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a non-scale victory. I got a tenant call about the AC and it ended up being a very expensive and involved problem with the furnace blower. There was talk of a new furnace. I was confused and alarmed, and had that financially threatened, fear filled, alone feeling. I made several calls (I needed an intervention!), some to friends and some to friends of heating and cooling companies. I went home and relaxed. I did not overeat the entire day. I stayed true to myself! I dealt with the stress by talking to people, e-mailing, and relaxing in front of some of my favorite comedy in the evening. I did not expect too much of myself, I simply wanted a better state of mind. Today I got up early and contacted another company, got a second opinion, felt comfortable with them and the work will be completed tomorrow. The tenants have a room unit in the larger room downstairs and their Aunt lives nearby so they are okay. I am getting it fixed as quickly as possible but I did not panic and was not at the mercy of the first company I used. I feel relieved today but I am not doing the relief eating (a/k/a the "afters"?) either. I am being balanced.

Yes, it is expensive, but it is my responsibility and it is part of owning property. I rest in knowing I did my best, and I have a solution. And, I did not eat as a coping mechanism. My friend the scale was back down today, still playing with those two pounds, but not entirely dependent on what the scales says. I felt leaner last night and today.

So happy happy furnace fixing to me!

More will be revealed!

Cooling my Thoughts

2011-08-02T11:49:00.000-07:00

I am doing better, but frustrated with the scale. I still weigh every day to keep myself out of denial but it frustrates me to see no results. It takes longer to compensate for bad choices and balance things out. And, I have not changed my habits enough. I am having body image issues and distorted thinking. But, I did go to the gym last night in spite of not wanting to go. I am not eating the nuts anymore.
It is horribly hot, so this picture from an April snow - snow covered tree blossoms makes me feel cool. That was a lovely morning, sun shining on the snow making it sparkle, and the cool clear air and bright blue sky. I'd like to go back there right now and sit. I need to be patient, but firm with myself. I have to make better choices and keep trying even though my body fat feels like an immovable force. I have to stop giving it so much power!! I need to cool it with the thinking and relax, take a deep breath. A deep, cool breath.

Trail Mix

2011-07-31T06:21:00.000-07:00

I hate trail mix, because every so often I trick myself, or lie to myself that I can eat it because nuts are good for me. My office mate had a bag of a very healthy, organic, no salt, etc. trail mix. She left it out for me because I was working late. She kept it on her desk for me and over several days I ended up eating all of it. I my two pounds back, I bought some to replace her back and I ended up opening it and eating the walnuts and pecans out of it and some tried blueberries. On what would have been perfect food days, I lost nothing.

This is making me sick. This nut thing. I am the nut. I cannot have nuts around. They have to be in something that I get somewhere else. If I buy a supply that I want to use to put in things, I eat them all. Who would think unsalted, raw nuts would become mini binge food? I am mad at myself but I have to forgive myself and move on. NO more nuts, this is enough. I have always had problems with them - lack of self control.

I hate when I sabotage myself when I am doing good. Anyway, I went to the gym yesterday so I had my three gym days this week, I am just frustrated that I have NO results and instead a setback because of nuts. It makes me nuts..

Today is a new day.

Little Breaks

2011-07-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a very stable food day. I used my daily readings all day long to remind myself to go to the peaceful places of my mind. And, to go to the positive thoughts whenever negative thoughts intruded. It is becoming more of a habit. I am getting better at it. I love summer foods, like cucumbers and tomatoes. I believe that cucumbers keep me feeling full. I love them with tomatoes with some red wine vinegar, black pepper and a pinch of Parmesan cheese. I also love berries, of all kinds. Tonight is gym night and I packed my clothes so I can stop on my way home. The heat index has deterred my daily walks, but I have gone shorter distances to keep the habit of taking an outdoor break. I also look at pictures, like this one, and use visualization for a mini-break. My work gets tedious, and I need little breaks, instead of little snacks. I believe I used to reach for food at times when all I really needed was a break, a diversion, a rest, or even a drink of water!

Letting go of Old Beliefs

2011-07-26T07:09:00.000-07:00

One of my newer meditations (I make them up myself) is visualizing I am a butterfly flitting from flower to flower on a warm, soft, sunny day. It works for me. I invent my own meditations to work in different situations. I read an article about beliefs this morning - as they relate to weight loss. I still have some self defeating beliefs about food, my body, and weight loss. I am going to focus on letting go of them this week. I can recognize them when they come up and find positive ways to let them go. I can replace them with a new statement, I can blow them away and watch them drift off into the sunset. I am creative, so surely I can come up with all kinds of fun ways to do this!

I went to the gym last night after working late, and NOT feeling like going. But I was SO glad I went. What a mental boost. I still fell asleep at a decent hour and slept very well.

More will be revealed!!

Letting Go of Old Stuff

2011-07-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

In the interest of moving forward and clearing away the past - Today I am cleaning my room. FINALLY. It is an important part of leaving my years of depression behind. I am throwing away, and giving away, things that I no longer want, use, or need. I need space, I need to be lighter. This is the from the inside out project. The inside of my room, the inside of me. There is a realationship. I don't need to hang on to all of this stuff, some of it is just trash. My food today is very nice. I feel hopeful and calm. As I go through things I am aware of feelings, but they can drift away after I feel them. I have felt some sadness, some anger, some loneliness, but they are only feelings and I let them drift away. I have on some comforting old black and white movie in the background. It's cool in here, away from the toxic air outside.

There is so much stuff, I may not get through it all in one day, but I am making progress and not giving up. I am happy to be doing it, and I am not rushing myself.

More will be revealed.

Triggers and Mindfulness

2011-07-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

I had a couple of diversions. One was in the evening, at the end the day I picked up the car. I can easily see that was one of those post stress moments, but there were also a couple of dietary triggers in the mix. I can now plan better.. The next was the following day, in response to an ice cream social at work. I made a conscious decision to eat the ice cream which is a conscious decision to set myself back. It is more than just the serving of ice cream because I know that there are other consequences. I believe it was the "oh wells" that came after the diversion from the night before. But I am not doing that today.

My daily word mediation yesterday was about resilience, getting up after a fall to keep on going. So that's what I am doing, as I continue to observe the triggers in my life and find new ways to respond. I was talking to a friend yesterday about "stopping" and what I said was I don't believe I ever just "stop" a behavior without substituting it with something new. I want to focus on the new. My meditation today was about turning points when we change, stripping away the old self with it's old practices and being clothed with the new. I can strip away the old reactions and responses and put on my new habits.

I am experiencing a turning point. I feel different. This has been evolving. I went through some darker times and have emerged. I am still getting to know this newer, changed me. It is not that easy to articulate. I notice how I react to situations and I see how I have changed for the better. Not always with the food, but in the bigger picture of taking care of myself emotionally, I am finding my way. The food will follow. I believe that today. I have noticed there there are some things that I simply do not do anymore, and even better, I don't even think about doing them. The behavior has simply disappeared! If this can be so with some behavior, surely the food behaviors can also disappear. This is how my faith works.

Getting to the mindfulness, I take myself to the waterfalls in my mind and try to get as close as I can to that state of mind I had Monday evening after sitting in the falls. I want to go back to the real falls more often, so the memory of that feeling won't fade. I can emerge from that meditative state and observe my present circumstances with a calm and focused mind. I can stay in the moment. This, and my daily readings are my mainstay for my mental/emotional/spiritual diet.

More will be revealed.

Clearing My Mind

2011-07-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning we found a car. I negotiated the deal and it needed some work so I did not have to do anything more on that project until this afternoon. I had a little time where I did not absolutely have to do anything. Sure, there was the usual, the messy room, and other projects, but I did not have to do them so I decided to go to my mind clearing, healing place. The waterfalls near my friend's house where I took my grandson and his friend. It was pretty spur of the moment, but I'd had it in the back of my head in case I had the time. I took off around 2:30 and I was walking the path to the falls by 5 p.m.

I am SO glad I did it. There is something about sitting in the falls with the water rushing around me. It drowns out all the sounds of the other people around, and the noise of my thoughts. I stayed for three hours. I swam, and I climbed, and I sat in the pools beneath the falls where the water bubbles and rushes. I let the falls massage my back and neck. I meditated. I healed. I felt absolutely sedated afterward. It is my spa.

I spent the night at my friend's house. We visited before I went to bed. I went to the barn while they fed and rounded up the herd of 32 goats. I slept very well. In the morning I had coffee with my friend, and then I went back to the waterfalls. I only had about an hour, and I spent it taking photos, swimming and some waterfall sitting. I was one of the first ones to arrive and it was very quiet. What a perfect way to begin a day!

My food has been good. I am keeping the two pounds off and hoping to move ahead this week with a little more. My exercise for today and yesterday was rock climbing and swimming, plus the walk to and from the river. I want to go to the falls in my mind when I need to retreat and clear my thoughts. I am going to practice this.

More will be revealed.

Progress

2011-07-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

Last night at a birthday BBQ I ate cucumber tomato salad while others were eating birthday cake!!! Yahoo for me. I lost two pounds this week. This morning I went to the gym and had a very nice workout. I am glad to get back to it. We have been car hunting with no luck, but I realized last night that I am good at this and not willing to settle. We only need to find one car. I can do this. Daughter gets stressed but I stay positive and very encouraging.

So today is devoted to taking care of myself and maybe some cleaning and organizing.

More will be revealed.

Staying Motivated

2011-07-15T10:23:00.001-07:00

I had my bigger breakfast again today. Yesterday worked out well, meaning I stayed with my plan all day. In the evening we went to car lots. It was a bit depressing because there is nothing much, if at all, in our meager price range. It takes more searching. I suppose that was my workout. Getting kind of frustrated, but I know that I will have more time to myself this weekend, and being off Monday and Tuesday, to workout.

I want to stay motivated even if I do not get results right away. I do not like that I have gone all week without a workout. I have not even taken my walks at work because the car business has impacted my work schedule and I have been staying in for lunch so I can arrive late/leave early, etc. I know I can get back to normal soon, but it makes me uneasy.

Just checking in really, have to get back to work. Drinking herbal tea has helped feel satisfied in between meals. Bigger meals also help staying satisfied longer. And, Vickie is right, the evening is emotional eating time. I need to work on that, to get better evening balance.

More will be revealed!

Prepared and Somewhat Hopeful

2011-07-14T06:22:00.001-07:00

I looked at a car last night after work, grocery shopped, and did not have time make it to the gym. I sacrificed the gym because I could go tonight. We were out of food. I was exhausted. I needed to go to bed at a decent hour. So many conflicting priorities. Grocery shopping is a work out of sorts, but not like my gym workout. I feel like a blob, though. Even though in reality, I am not a blob. A little padded, but not a blob. I only feel like one. And feelings can change. Sometimes with the blink of an eye, and a deep breath.

I bought healthy food, and came home to chop and cook. Today's breakfast is oat bran with blueberries, one egg, poached with spinach. I am hoping this is a good way to start the day. It is still a little short of three hundred calories, but seems to be packed with good nutrition and no bad stuff.

Lunch is salad greens, chicken breast, tomatoes and cucumber with a red wine vinegar, cracked pepper mix, and a little Parmesan. I have Greek yogurt and flax flakes with more blueberries. I so hope this is a good plan. It is better than yesterday. I am drinking lots of water, and have cut the caffeine way down.

I feel prepared, a little timid, slightly frustrated (I weighed myself this morning) but hopeful. Working on my positive thinking....

Curly Girl, Breakfast and Brand New Day

2011-07-13T09:13:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to an event at a salon for "curly girls" and this is my "after" picture. I almost did not go, but a friend invited me and I wanted to stop by and meet her and one of her other friends. I did not feel so good, and did not like what I was wearing, so I was not prepared for all the attention. They ended up doing a before and after pic and spending a couple of hours on my hair, for free, but I bought stuff afterward, of course. The good part about this is that I showed up and participated in spite of the urge to start hiding out again. The not so good part is that I did not get to shop for food because I got home way later than planned.

So, today I had no time to fix breakfast and none of my easy stuff to bring, so I stopped and got an egg white spinach feta wrap at a somewhat trustworthy spot where I get coffee.

I looked it up when I got to work, and it had good protein but the wrap put it over the top on carbs and sugar, why sugar in a wrap? Please. But it was a bigger breakfast and I feel satisfied. I brought lunch and have a safe place to get food nearby if I need to get dinner.

I meet my workout buddy tonight for a more challenging workout. I still feel bloated but drinking tons of water. Wish the food had been perfect for breakfast, but glad I got something, and that I know what I ate. I am committed to daily posts.

Here's to moving on! I'm a little scared and appreciate all the support!!

Fed Up, Refreshed, Bloated, and Accountable?

2011-07-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

I am fed up with going up and down. It's the food, not the exercise, for sure. I just dawdle around and then cut loose in the evening. I keep track all day and then act as if nothing counts at night. I am not crazy horrible with food but certainly not doing enough to lose anything, or keep from fluctuating up and down 3 pounds here and there. I must get serious, dedicated and enjoy making a REAL change.

So, I want to be accountable. Even if no one reads. I am going to track online. I will make it easy, I will track calories per meal. Breakfast was 250. I will check in soon with the lunch tally. Or later with a daily tally. And blog in the evening.

I had a wonderful trip over the weekend, with my grandson and one of his friends for his birthday. We went to stay at my friend's house in the country, near a park with waterfalls. The river runs through large rocks and forms a wonderful natural water park. We also visited another state park with huge rocks. They played like kids, even though they are teenagers! We spent two nights, and they played board games and watched kid movies. My friend baked a birthday cake and made a special dinner. It was very nice especially because both of grandson's parents are in jail now and we seem to be short on family members. I got exercise in the water at the park and in my friend's lap/wave exercise pool.

Now to get serious on the whole food deal. Really, honestly, I MUST.

Update, after reading Vickie's post (wish I could link) I now realize I need to adjust the WHAT I eat drastically. I am out of touch with the whole and clean eating. I think I am eating ok but usually it involves some level of processed food. So I am going natural and pulling out the books to refresh my memory!

In keeping with the accountability - I had a high protien 210 calorie lunch. I will supplement with a boiled egg in a couple of hours. I am very bloated today after a fruit/sugar/carb fest last night. Daughter had a car accident while we were on our wonderful trip. I dealt with it very well but there were many post accident things to do yesterday. She got a ticket, on top of the whole ordeal. And we need to replace the car. She was not hurt, and that's the most important thing of all. No one was, and the car that hit her left the scene. Anyhow, eating mega-carbs does not make it better. It only inflates my body. I am flushing the toxins today with water.

Stalling but not too bad

2011-06-29T11:44:00.001-07:00

Okay, I don't have huge momentum, but I do have stability. I also have poison ivy! My food has improved but not much more than required for maintenance. I have the evening struggle and it seems the evening workout sometimes ups the appetite. I need strategies for that. I do feel upbeat most of the time with the exception of a slight dip while taking the benedryl for the ivy itching. My dating the ex is not a positive, either so I am trying to give that up, always reminds me of why he is my ex! The new date is a fizzle cuz I am not attracted to him, but he is to me and that doesn't feel right at all. I do like him, though, but no attraction in the romantic way.

So, tonight is gym night and I look forward to my workouts. I do pushups now and a little yoga in the private room around the corner from my office. No big weight loss to speak of so I know that means I eat too much or not the right stuff. But my body feels good and I see muscle tone where it was not so good before. I am even liking my arms better. So improvement is positive.

Okay, I got an itch and I need to go use the ivy cream/spray quick. Scratching is not allowed!!

Day 3

2011-06-22T07:49:00.000-07:00

It is the morning of day three and I have lost back two pounds. I was not doing as well as I wanted with my food but apparently I am doing well enough. I struggle with the evening, but I find if I keep busy and have exercise in the evening I do better. I took some allergy medicine at night that made me drowsy, and made me do that weird night eating. But I had strawberries instead of cereal, which used to be my night eating food. I cannot take sleep meds, or anything that makes me drowsy, without having night eating. It is as if it lowers my inhibitions and I succumb to cravings that may even be produced by the meds. I can take melatonin, which helps aid sleep, without that effect.

My exercise has been wonderful. Monday I walked at lunch, had a gym workout after work, and then a brisk walk in the night after the heat cooled down. Yesterday I had a short walk at lunch, and then dance class - an hour of learning to waltz - in the evening. Learning to waltz used far more muscle than I thought, and had an aerobic impact, too! Plus it was fun! I work my abs every morning and sometimes in the evening. I did an upper body workout this morning. My upper arms are very challenging right now. So I am targeting them. The muscle response is not what it used to be when I was even just a few years younger. So I will work harder!!

I am enjoying ways to add exercise while having fun. Tonight I may go to the botanical garden for walking after work. If not, it will be a gym night. In fact, it could be both. I'll see how I feel. There is music at the garden at 7:30.

Food has improved because I am planning. I sketch my food intake every morning. I have some flexibility. I need to make sure I do not under plan and shoot for too little food because it sets me up for off plan snacking and last minute choices. I like to have my stomach empty before the next meal. Some stomach growling is a sign I am actually hungry, and not just wanting to eat. It takes time to adjust to eating less, I recall from past successful weight loss, and the urge to supplement the day's food will leave me if I hang in there and don't give in. But I need to make sure I am eating enough and at steady intervals. This will lesson the impact and keep the craving down.

So, I am off on an adventure of new activity. The dance class went better than I though. Being coached by my Saturday night date was helpful. The teacher was very sweet. I was the only true beginner so she let me pick whether we started with waltz or cha cha. I picked waltz because I had more practice. This weekend my "coach" will prep me for cha cha, I hope! We plan to see each other on Saturday or some time over the weekend. I am taking this Summer dating scenario slow. Much, much slower than my Spring romance.

Today's menu includes salmon, fresh greens, Greek yogurt, scrambled eggs with hot sauce, chicken breast and veggies.

More will be revealed....

Day One

2011-06-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

I have not counted days, or had a Day One in a very long time. Mostly because I would not get past Day Two or Three. I decided to start a program today. And have a plan each day. A measured and calculated, balanced plan, writing down everything I eat. I need some structure and accountability or I will not lose the lingering ten pounds I gained back after I got to my goal weight.

Inspiration and New Activities

2011-06-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

My Art Museum date was far more fun than I expected. He was energetic, interesting, and funny, too. He has a degree in fine arts so he made an excellent guide! He dances, and referred me to a ballroom near where I work where they have beginner classes. I have been wanting to learn salsa, but I am signing on for the available beginner course starting next week which is Waltz and the Cha-Cha-Cha. I like the idea. Salsa would probably work better if I actually learn how to do some less complicated dancing first. So a second date is tentatively scheduled for this coming Saturday.

Anyway, the ballroom is so interesting to me. It's an old building, recently purchased by a dancer, and renovated. The instructors are older. It has a romantic and nostalgic mystique to it. I could literally live there, lost upstairs somewhere...they have a couple of apartments. So, I may like the idea of learning to dance, but some of it is I am attracted/drawn to that atmosphere. I must confess I am a bit nervous that I may not have the coordination/skill to learn. But I am going to give it my best shot, stretch myself, and have some fun.

I think I like dating. I am not taking it too seriously, looking to do fun things with people who have mutual interests. If anything else develops, I will take it slower than past whirlwind romances that seem to be based more on the physical chemistry than anything else. I also had a spur of the moment date Saturday night with my recent ex. I wanted to go hear live music, and needed an escort, which he gladly obliged. I had a nice time, but do not want to get serious with him again. He was going out of town for a week. We did not discuss the past or the future, just had a good time. We did not discuss relationship status, etc. Hopefully there will be no negative fall out from that. I know on my end, if I have no expectations, I won't be disappointed. Plus, I want to date Art/Dance guy now.

I am doing OK with food, better. And my exercise is regular and good. I am feeling inspired to try new things and have adventures!

Hope to have exciting weight loss updates in the near future!

All is Forgiven - MOVE ON

2011-06-09T06:14:00.000-07:00

I am using the Our Lady of Weight Loss mantra today. Monday and Tuesday were near perfect food days, but I was a pound up on Wednesday and it really ticked me off. I went to the gym, had a great workout and then went to the grocery. I set myself up by buying a box of weight loss brand ice cream bars. I NEVER do this. And here is why, by midnight I had consumed them all. I hate to admit this. It is the first time I have done this type of thing in ages. So, I have no option but to forgive myself and move on. I will drink lots of water and have a prudish eating day today.

I have an art museum date tomorrow night and I want to feel good about myself. Comfortable in my clothes and dressed for the heat because we may picnic outside afterward. I am a little nervous, it is a facebook contact who went to high school with my sister. Not sure if it is a real date, but we have not met in person. Have been communicating for months on fb. He seems fun and I was more interested in a buddy to do stuff with so it should be low key and I need to get over my feelings of not being good enough!! Good enough for what? A walk in a museum?

So, all is forgiven, move on!!

Time for Commitment, and Adventure!!

2011-06-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

OK, I have enjoyed a phase of eating basically what I want and not going over a certain ceiling weight. But I no longer want to be at this ceiling because it is too heavy for how I want to feel, and dress. I am ready for a commitment to positive change. And disciplined, mindful eating. I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore, but I will keep on writing because it has been the catalyst of positive change for me since 2006!
My workouts are going well. I now have a weekly workout date with a friend who showed me new things to do at the gym compliments of her personal trainer. I am working out more often. I am walking on lunch hours and getting busy after work as well.

It's the food now. I have not even had a plan for a long time. So I am going back to lean protein, no whites, and fresh veggies. I will sketch my day's food each morning or the night before.

I am exploring more now that I work in an interesting part of the city. I am getting brave about going out and doing new things. Saturday night I went to a Brazilian club for live entertainment which included dancing lessons. It was a good workout and fun. Last night I walked in the botanical gardens with a friend. There are things to do most nights of the week, that are free and involve moving my body!! And enriching my mind, too.

So, here is my commitment to taking care of myself by planning my food, eating less and eating better. And, to new adventures!!

More will be revealed...

Life is Good

2011-05-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

I have a "no-plans" weekend spread out in front of me and it feels so good. The boyfriend and I weren't very compatible afterall. After the initial infatuation period was dwindling the reality was we did not have that much in common, and there were some traits about him that I decided I did not want to experience. So, we were able to break it off without too much drama. At least I think so, I don't feel dramatic about it at all. It was tempting, though at first. I will continue to date but apply what I learned in this instance, and keep things light. The too much too soon thing does not work well for me, I find.

I had three good gym workouts this week. My food is pretty good, and I feel balanced. I feel acceptance and peace. I love that. I find that I have forgiven any and all of my ex boyfriends. This dating experienced showed me how much I have grown and healed in the past few years. It is truly amazing. I feel very good about myself. I also still love my job, now that is a MIRACLE!!!

I want to focus more on balance. I love the feeling. I had started to feel some anxiety with the relationship and that is how I knew it was not the right fit for me. Among other things. But now I feel ok. I took care of me, and was as good as I can be to the other person.

I planted flowers last weekend and have more to plant this weekend. It is too wet to get my junge of weeds cut, but I can drop in some big lillies I bought, and put in some containers of impatients.

More will be revealed!!

More Update

2011-05-10T21:17:00.001-07:00

Here is a recent photo from when my boyfriend and I were at my friend's cabin on his birthday. For now I cropped him out. I love the picture because I was so happy that morning. We had a wonderful couple of days together even though we were both sick with colds and he had just quit smoking. We have been dating for almost two months now. I am getting adjusted to all the added activity. I like a balance. New boyfriend and new job at the same time - very exciting but big changes.

I needed some big changes. I feel much more positive. I feel like I have my personality back. At work I feel outgoing and friendly. I have my sense of humor back. Daughter and I go to the gym together at least once a week. I have been trying to go two or three times a week. I focus mostly on weight resistance there and get my cardio by walking on my lunch hour. I need to step it up a bit. Boyfriend likes to take me out to eat often and thankfully I have not gained weight because most of the time I make wise choices.

I am learning how to date and be myself with someone. I can honestly say that no matter what happens with this relationship, I feel fantastic about myself right now. I have come a long, long way.

Wow

2011-05-09T06:54:00.000-07:00

It has been too long. I have been very busy with new job, kid stuff and dating. I have been maintaining my loss of about 5 or 6 pounds. I'd like to lose a few more, even though this current size is very easy to maintain, it is just a smidge too big. I'd be more comfortable with a few more inches off. My doctor again told me that I am at a good weight (perfect, he says, that's why I love him!) but I want to feel lean and I am not there yet. I have been going to the gym regularly, but last week was so busy I did not get there at all. I don't like it when that happens. My commute is much longer now so I am still adjusting and finding ways to manage my time. I listen to inspirational stuff in the car to make good use of my time to and from work.

I love the area where I work. It is alive and interesting with shops and restaurants. I also still love the job, and have now been there a month.

I have to go, though, but will make it a point to blog more. Need to get the balance. Will be working in the garden this week, putting in flowers.

More will be revealed..

Update

2011-04-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

I have finally broken my plateau. I have lost 7 pounds and have not gained any back. This is very good. I was stuck for months and months and months. I am keeping regular gym dates. I have finished my old job and am ready to start the new one on Friday. It feels so very good to not work there anymore. Friday was my last day and it was not until today when I went to my old favorite coffee shop to relax, that it really sunk in. It was high stress right up until the very end. In fact I worked late on my last day. A couple of the lawyers I worked with did not even say goodbye. So very glad to close the chapter on that. I feel like I am getting my old self back. I am also dating a man that I feel like I can be myself with. It feels very comfortable right now. Need to run for now, errands and a gym date. More will be revealed...

Weight Loss

2011-03-21T19:15:00.000-07:00

I have had some weight loss in the past week. Finally back in the 150's. That is a real boost to break that plateau or barrier or whatever it was. Maybe I can move on now. I hope so.

New Beginning

2011-03-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

Friday Thoughts

2011-03-11T09:26:00.000-08:00

I have had a headache for two weeks or so. I wake up with it. I finally went to the clinic and got antibiotics and nasal spray for sinus infection. This is the time of year I get the big one. Not every year but some years. So I wish I would treat them sooner but at least I am treating it now. I stayed home from work today. So far I have kept up with my weekly minimum of workouts. I am also feeling more positive. I want to get back to the me I have been reading from a couple of years ago. That mindset was beaten down with life's unexpected events but I have been learning more forgiveness and perseverance from it. The achy head is not my favorite thing but I will rest. I will ignore the messy house, reminding myself that these things will be cleaned and organized when I feel better. I will drink water all day long and rest. That is the only thing on my agenda. Rest and gratitude and positive thinking.

I visited a friend in the hospital last night. She has been there since Monday and was there a few days last week. She was in pain and very uncomfortable. I did not know what help I could be to her but wanted to visit and do what I could. I could see she was in pain and I knew her next med dose was not for at least 4 hours so I told her there was probably a back up script in her chart in case things got bad and asked her if it was okay if I talked to the nurse. We got her a dose of something that helped her feel good enough to sleep. I stayed until she was comfortable and sleeping. I feel like I am not "there" for people much. I know how to take care of kids but not so much other adults. It was good to go and do what I could. Last week when I was looking up references to provide for this current job pursuit, I found out one of my old associates had died just this past February. I was shocked and sad. I had not been in contact for years. It made me want to do lunch with people. To stop everything and just spend a couple of weeks catching up. To stop wasting time putting things off and to stop isolating. It is real comfy isolating, though. But I have been making some calls.

I know the past two years took my way out of my comfort and routine. I had to walk through my biggest fears. Even things I never even thought about but would have feared had I thought of them. But I am still here and I still have the opportunity to share with others and build on all of my life experience.

I still love Fridays. I have neither lost nor gained weight, I guess I am maintaining. Soon I will lose those ten pounds. More will be revealed

Monday

2011-02-28T16:40:00.000-08:00

I have been reading old posts going back to a couple of years ago. I sure was positive. Maybe I still am but I focused more on it. I want to get back to that forever grateful state of mind. It works much better. I do have much to appreciate in life. I have cooperative teenagers at home. How lucky is that? I think I take it for granted too much. And there was a time in my life many years ago when I did NOT have cooperative teenagers. We have a bump here and there but overall a very peaceful household. They are both very healthy and have a consciousness about eating right and getting exercise. Daughter has been exercising lately - she even jogged one night. Grandson is athletic and wants to study nutrition sciences.

It is almost time for me to leave for my workout. I am looking forward to it. I had a good dinner. My tummy is a little gurgly but I feel pretty good. I need to get some water because today I did not have a water supply at work and drank much less water than usual.

Perhaps each day this week I will try and post something that I am grateful for.

My food was good today. And I am getting a workout. Hooray!!

Optimistic

2011-02-27T15:55:00.000-08:00

Today I watched a movie on the cardio equipment and got in an hour and a half of nonstop cardio. My intensity varied so I could stay longer. It made me feel better mentally to get in such a good long stretch. I also got in a workout on Thursday for my "mid week" workout - did it on my lunch hour. I am glad that I did it because that was my goal for the week - to add in a workout during the week. I had a workout Saturday, too with weights and cardio. My workouts are going pretty good but I still feel like a big mushball, and my food has not been so hot.

I am keeping at it, though and never giving up.

The interview went really good. I enjoyed it. I may or may not get an offer but it made me feel very positive about my career and capabilities. I also had a phone screen with a different company on Friday that went well also. They may call me for an interview. They said their interview process is long. I honestly don't feel like more interviews even though I felt good after Wednesday's experience.

My interview suit from 2009 fit well enough, so I did not buy anything new. Did not want to spend money. And I like that pretty blue suit. If I buy new clothes it will be after losing the weight. I was happy that the suit fit because it is a 10 and I am determined never to go above a ten again.

Enough about all that. I am going to focus on sticking with my resolve about food this week. Today was a very good food day, and yesterday was good, too. I am also going to make sure I have a weekday workout. In fact, I have a special scheduled workout tomorrow because my daughter is working in the evening and I have to pick her up at nine. That gives me a perfect opportunity to leave early and have at least an hour to work out at my favorite gym.

I feel hopeful and optimistic.

Past Due Update

2011-02-19T09:09:00.000-08:00

Long time no blog. Can't recall why. I think it started with the snowed in days right after my gym love post, and then I got sick. So I was sloppy for a couple of weeks but I did continue to go to the gym on the weekends. I want to add a mid week weight training workout on Tuesday or Wednesday. I am going to shoot for that. I can get some cardio with walking during the week but I'd like a weight night as well. I love the Saturday morning work out because I have no time constraints. I also find that I can watch movies while doing cardio and last longer because I don't get bored. Last night after work I did an hour of cardio watching an old movie. If I get interested in the movie then I am hooked and stay for the whole thing.

I like how my muscles feel after my weight workout. I feel alive and awake and connected to my body. I like how my brain feels after my cardio.

I have a job interview next week and I am going to buy a suit this weekend. My others are almost two years old and I want one in black. I should be the same size I was when I bought the old ones which is good, but lumpy here and there where I was not back then. I need to feel confident when I go to this interview. I am meeting several people. Also need to be comfortable as I will be there for a few hours.

Exercise gives me confidence.

More will be revealed.

Gym Love

2011-01-30T19:39:00.000-08:00

My Saturday work out was wonderful. I was there for almost 2 hours. I think the good part is that I am there at 7:30 a.m and I have all the time I want. I don't have to be anywhere for hours, if at all. I did cardio and then weights and then cardio and then weights and then cardio and then weights. I love being able to take my time and not feel like I am neglecting something else in order to be there. I felt fantastic afterward. It was the best way to start the weekend. I had to paint a wall at the rental house and I was so proud of myself for doing it. It has been a productive weekend. I even cleaned a corner of the garage this morning.

I went for a short workout this evening. I got so much exercise doing chores and cleaning that I felt very active all day. I was frustrated last week because no weight came off. I have changed my diet dramatically so I expected results. I am not worried now, because the exercise has kicked in and even if the pounds take a while to come off, I know I will be getting healthier. And, if I keep up with the food changes I will get results.

We have major storm warnings. The stores were packed with people getting supplies. I went out for batteries and fire logs. I usually don't get too worried about this stuff but I wanted to be prepared. I do not want to drive in ice. The news is really hyping things up. I hope it is not that bad.

More will be revealed. . .

Inching along

2011-01-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

Last night I drove past the gym on my way home from work. The parking lot was crowded and I was intimidated. I did not go. Tonight I MADE myself go. I drove up and down the potholed lanes until I found a space. I went in and changed clothes, did 20 minutes of cardio, changed again, and left. It was very crowded. I don't like going when it is crowded but I went and I am glad I did. I can't believe I am this gym-adverse. I remember when I couldn't get enough of the gym. What I really want is to go in the morning. That would mean getting up very early. I doubt it is crowded at that time but then I have never been there early.

I had to do a health screening for our new insurance provider at work. I got a cholesterol test on the way to work. It was an instant read. It sucked. It was 250. The good was only 63. My good used to be higher and my bad lower. The worst part was the glucose reading at 116 and I had fasted. The nurse said to get it checked again by a lab. 116 is pre-diabetes. I was inching up before but never that high. But what can I expect? That's the reading I get from laying around and eating basically. What bothers me is that at 200 pounds my readings were better than this. Now 40 pound lighter they are worse. The slug stage must end. I am scared actually. It isn't even about what I look like anymore. It is about staying alive and feeling better.

On a happier note, my blood pressure is fantastic.

So I am going to bed and maybe, just maybe I will get up early (but then I will not have my full night's sleep, such a dilemma) and go work out. .

More will be revealed.

Long Day

2011-01-24T18:44:00.001-08:00

I worked until a little after 7:30. Luckily I had some cottage cheese at work that I ate at around six. I came home and had my veggies and grain but need a tad more protien to go with it. I am writing a quick post. I was sore today from yesterday's workout and it made me happy. I am sad that I got off work so late that I could not go to the gym. I am so very tired right now but think that some yoga might help before bed time. I had trouble falling asleep last night and want to be careful not to do anything that would make me to awake. I was a pound down today. My food today was perfect. I am going to go to bed early so I don't do any stress eating. I felt a bit stressed when I got home because it was so late. Some days are like this and I just have to let it go. I can workout tomorrow. Right now I need rest.

More Snow

2011-01-23T14:26:00.000-08:00

We had a nice little snow shower today. Maybe an inch or two. Big fluffy flakes. I walked the dog in it and we had a good time. I felt like I got more of a work out in the snow. We still had seven inches on the ground from last week. I cooked all of my turkey and chicken, weighed out portions and froze them, keeping enough for today and tomorrow in the fridge. I washed, cut and bagged lettuce and baked sweet potatoes. I am ready. Today has been a good food day. I feel tired and a little crampy in my legs now but earlier I felt ok. I had some running around to do and did not get to go by the gym yet. I feel like I could fall asleep right now but I have work to do. I wonder if I am having carb withdrawal. I felt kind of moody earlier. I am eating carbs but not like I was and they are the smart carbs and not the fast acting ones.

I believe I had a pretty good night's sleep. If I get a second wind I will exercise more but right now I honestly feel like I need a nap!\

Update, after reading blogs I am at this moment putting on my shoes and GOING TO THE GYM.

Update, again - I paid my yearly dues, had a workout and took a class schedule home. Hooray!

More will be revealed..

Food

2011-01-22T18:33:00.001-08:00

Tonight I bought food. Lots of it. Chicken breasts, turkey breasts, ground turkey, turkey sausage, salmon, cottage cheese. Green vegetables including lots of broccoli. Tomorrow I will cook and feeze the chicken and turkey and clean and cut the veggies. I also bought some frozen veggies. I have my whole oats. I have my boiled eggs. I am going to get my body for life for women book out and read the part about older women and our dietary needs. I went by the gym near where daughter works. It is a branch of the gym to which I belong but need to pay up my yearly dues. The guy could not figure out how to pay by the year so I will pay tomorrow at the one out here. Having one by dauther's job is perfect. I drop her off at 7:30 am, on Saturday - I can go work out directly afterward. Or I can work out before I pick her up. There is nothing to stop me. I have to be out there anyway. There is a gym by work in this same chain. And one near home. I want to enjoy working out again, and look forward to it. But for now even if I have to force myself to go I will go. I want to go I just don't feel like going if that makes sense. I feel it is almost life or death that I do this. Quality of life. Taking care of myself and so on.

More will be revealed.

Old and Fat

2011-01-22T07:34:00.001-08:00

And lazy. This may not be a pretty post. But I find it necessary. In my forties I gained a significant amount of weight, some 40 or so pounds. At my highest weigh-in I was 209 pounds. As I began to lose I would often tell myself that I could not avoid getting old but I could do something about the fat. When I say fat I mean body fat, the real thing. I was fortunate. I took a sometimes very relaxed approach but I made steady and slow progress until I lost over 50 pounds being at my lowest maybe 146 for a fleeting moment. I felt good anywhere around the low to mid 150's but I had also worked out during these years and had some muscle. I have been told by an older friend that at our age where muscle is concerned it is use it or lose it. I do not believe I have been to the gym in six months. That is where I get my weight training. At home I have some hand weights I use but that does nothing for the rest of my body. I weigh 162 today. There is more fat there than there was a year ago. Fat that I cannot afford.

I feel tired much of the time and I am not motivated. Even though I am less than I weigh years ago at that top weight I feel perhaps as strong of a sense of crisis about this as I did then. I cannot afford this weight. And I cannot afford this lifestyle. My happiness and my health are both compromised. Would I have more energy if I changed the way I eat and worked out? I sure hope so! I believe I would. Would I have more energy if I weighed less? Yes and no. Yes if I ate healthy, no if starved or ate junk. Would I feel better in other ways? Yes.

I don't want to make excuses for my body and say "at least I kept most of the weight off" or "it is better than it was and I should appreciate it" because those lines keep me from doing anything about what is still a health problem. I notice now that when I gain my belly instantly feels it. I think of heart disease.

I need to get off my rear end literally and stop toying around. I am lucky, yes, that I only have 20 pounds to lose. Or even 15 to be a normal body mass index. But I do not want to be at the tip of the normal BMI teetering on the brink of overweight. I want to be a safe distance from overweight. Because where I am does not feel good at all. I want to raise the bar. Set a new standard and take control.

In the past year I have seen myself aging. I have been feeling like this is it. Nothing exciting will happen anymore, I will not ever fall in love or be fallen in love with again, no one takes me seriously, blah blah blah, because I am old. And, it's all over. It's all downhill. I do not know why this thinking has slithered into my head. I do not like it at all and if I think about it I don't actually believe it has to be true. But if I keep thinking it I will make it true. Exciting things can and do happen over 50. People fall in love at any age. Where is this negativity coming from? I don't even need to find the cause, I need to kick it out of my head.

I must be true to myself every day, and every decision. Sometimes I come home and night and I don't care if I gain or lose, I just want to lay down and shut out the world. I am tired from a stressful workday and I feel alone. I don't feel like going to a gym or cooking healthy food. I have to combat this. Maybe I should go to the gym straight from work and de-stress. Perhaps I should bring something I can eat for dinner to work with me. I could at least do this a couple of days a week. The kids would be fine. They are teens and sometimes they are not even home. They could make dinner. I can keep cooked chicken, boiled eggs, cottage cheese, and other lean proteins on hand at ALL times. I can steam broccoli in mass quantities. There is a way to do this.

I am tired of being tired. Something is going to change. Mentally and physically. I refuse to be "fat" and I refuse to discriminate against myself on basis of age!

SNOW!!

2011-01-19T20:12:00.000-08:00

We are getting a grand snowfall tonight. I just took the dog out for a very brisk walk in it. It is so beautiful. I have always loved snow. It softens the sounds and gives a peaceful stillness. It highlights the trees and adds its own beauty. I got some exercise and I feel good. Today was a very challenging workday. But I have decided to put work behind me when I leave and find extra enjoyment in my evenings. Sometimes I feel worn out and do not want to do anything but I must do the opposite and find something to get excited about. Tonight it was the snow. Thank goodness for the snow.

Better Day

2011-01-18T20:30:00.000-08:00

This morning I was dreaming about two cute little dogs side by side that we had adopted. They were like twins and they were constantly side by side. I woke up feeling good this morning and I had a very good day at work. I felt the opposite of yesterday. Last night I had a long talk on the phone with a friend about work and my feelings and my co-workers. I got it all out of my system. Today I felt so much better. Like a weight had been lifted. I was a pound down on the scale which was completely unexpected. My eating has changed. I have settled into my evening veggie routine and I have been taking salad as my lunch this week. I was able to do some grocery shopping over the weekend so I am better prepared. My food is not perfect but I am much happier with it now.

I am sleepy and going to bed. Sleep is a must.

Dreams

2011-01-17T19:53:00.001-08:00

This morning I was dreaming that my father was sleeping in my mother's bed. I was happy to find that out and I went into the room. I did not want to wake him. I could hear him breathing. I wanted to take off work so I could be with him. I kept wondering why it was such a big deal to hear him breathing. Then I woke up. I remembered that he died. I felt so sad. I did not want to go to work. I did not want to do anything. I felt kinda low most of the day. Work has challenges and it is lonely. I felt even more lonely after the dream. I hate that people die. I wish I could have talked to my father before he died. The last time I saw him he did not even see me really or know who I was. I cannot remember the last conversation I had with him when he knew who I was. I wish I could have spent more time with him. I wish I never had to grow up and that things had to change. I wish I was still a child living in the house where I grew up. I am tired of working and doing all these grownup things. I just want to sleep.

I had to write that down. Tomorrow is another day. I want to sleep this one off.

Progress

2011-01-16T10:03:00.000-08:00

I made progress in some key areas yesterday -
Isolation - I attended my favorite support group meeting - Al anon and talked afterward with my good friend who also attends.
Rental property - I showed the house to an interested prospect, but also got a call from a previous prospect who wants to move in on the 5th of February. She is the niece of someone I have known for over ten years who also lives in the area. My friend is a lease administrator and negotiated a higher rent for me with her niece. We are still negotiated on the payment of the additional last month's rent requirement that I now added since people seem to like to skip the last month. There are advantages to the scenario but as with everyone else who has contacted me she has a few issues in the past with credit. She has a significant other that will also be on the lease and I meet him today. It is progress, and it makes me feel good.
Food/health - Saturdays I get up real early to take daughter to her job. I did not sleep well Friday, so after running around in the morning doing what I needed to do, I came home and took a nap. Taking a nap is big progress for me. Napping has been next to impossible in the past. It refreshed me for the rest of the day's activities. Hopefully it helped with the sleep deprived carb cravings that I get. I found myself wanting more carbs but I kept it to the good carbs.
Resisting urges - at bedtime with my yogurt I wanted graham crackers - bad idea - they are food that I recall overeating in the past. I had two. Then I remembered the icky feeling I used to have when I'd eat a whole pack, etc. The idea of eating anymore turned me off. I tried not to regret the two I had, but it felt good to be repulsed by them. They seemed like cardboard - not really food. That is what happens when I use fresh foods or foods that have little processing. The processed foods do not seem like food anymore.
Exercise - Finally resumed the dog walking. Post nap I took him for a short walk - time was limited before I had to leave to pick up daughter. I took a much longer one this morning.

I am reflecting in a healthy way over last year - seeing in what ways I grew and learned, and letting go of regrets, etc. It is a practice I do each year, my end of year review. This one is crammed with stuff but also has the opportunity to be a real triumph, depending on how I look at it.

Got to run but wanted to do my daily post.

Saturday Morning

2011-01-15T05:58:00.000-08:00

I am at a restaurant cafe having a breakfast power sandwich with lots of protein and some coffee. I dropped daughter off at work and I have some time to kill before showing the house. I have been emotional the past couple days more than usual and reading blogs helped me remember that it happens when we stop medicating, numbing or otherwise distracting ourselves with food.

I realize I have been in a covert form of victim mode possibly since the announcement of layoffs almost two years ago when I was going to lose my job. I exacerbated it by dabbling in an icky ex boyfriend relationship off and on. My emotional reactions to some other events crossed the victim line as well. Victim = eating for me. I try hard to process what happens to me and think positive, think solution, and keep moving. But perhaps I could not keep up with the volume. I did not even see how much I was turning to food. At an intellectual level at times but I felt I was choosing it and was in control. I don't want to get caught up in too much self examination to the point of wallowing in morbid reflection but I do want to be aware of what triggers negative coping skills and patterns.

And, what promotes healthy coping skills and patterns? External support, for one - be it a group, an organization, healthy friends - providing I actually contact them and spend time with them. I think that the blogging is fantastic. I also need some in person support. This gets tricky. I have to break through the isolationist thinking, the fear, the "I am not good enough" the "I don't like anyone" the "I don't belong" undercurrents that accompany my low points. I have to be brave, determined and summon help from a spiritual source, too.

I refuse to hide anymore but I don't know quite where I want to go to emerge. I'd like a group that deals with eating issues, even if it is mostly geared toward weight loss and not a recovery program. Perhaps I need both. I have to start somewhere.

This morning I am showing the house to an inferior candidate but the only one I have at the moment, I have been speaking with a broker who does rent to own type things but selling is not my intention at the moment because of the value verses loan balance. He is brainstorming and may actually help find a tenant. So I am keeping the faith and paying the mortgage and not focusing on my dwindling resources. I have been much worse off in my life. Much.

I am going into this day a little sleep deprived and hoping for a nap later. Also exercise is an absolute must today. I may go pay my gym dues. They have classes there. Yoga. I HAVE to start connecting. It is getting to the point where I have begun to tell myself I can't connect with people, that I have lost that skill or ability. This cannot be true.

OK gotta get ready to go to the house. Have not been there in over a week. I always fear it has been vandalized but so far nothing has happened.

More will be revealed.

Two pounds a week

2011-01-14T17:48:00.000-08:00

I lost two pounds this week. I think that is a reasonable loss. If I keep that up I will be in the range I am looking for in two months. I don't like calculating things too much but I do want to have a reasonable goal. I have been reluctant to have any goals related to weight loss because of the fear of failure. But two pounds for this week is nice. I want stability and accountability. I had my evening vegging out session and I am reading. I read Passing For Thin and I am moving on to Angry Fat Girls, soon to be released as Eating Ice Cream With My Dog. I am sleepy and very glad of Friday!

Vegging out

2011-01-13T18:03:00.000-08:00

Here is the real hedgehog. I think his name should be Rudolph. So far no one agrees.

Back to vegging out - Literally. I have decided to make sure I have plenty of vegetables every evening. Tonight I am having shredded cabbage mix with very light dressing and steamed broccoli. I also stuffed a wheat pita full of spring mix and a little bit of chicken breast. That's my dinner and it is very satisfying. I had brussels sprouts last night and a salad pita. I lost another pound. Two more and I will be back at my pre Christmas low (which actually pretty much of a high, depending on how you look at it) and ready to tackle the real weight. I feel like this is just water/bloat, etc. But I am glad.

It has been very cold and I have not walked. I have been tired and working late and not exercising. Must get out of that and do something.

Anyway, that's my short report. Keeping my spirits up. Writing out my food and tallying it as the day goes on. Measuring. Planning. And water, lots and lots of water. These are the things that work for me. It feels safe and it feels like home.

2011-01-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up to snow. I love snow. I slept in a little and then called the closest tire place. I bought four new tires and drove to work worry free. I love new tires. No more sliding.

The hedgehog is in my room already. Boyfriend took her to pick him up in the snowy weather last night. He spent the night in her room but it got really chilly. So today while I was at work they had a snow day and she put his container on top of the entertainment center in my room where the birds used to be. It's ok for now because I was missing the birds a little. But it is only temporary because of the cold. Apparently they don't like the cold and daughter's room does not get nearly as warm as mine. Something odd about that side of the house. We have a space heater that we may use but I have a fear of space heaters. Hedgehogs get about the size of small guinea pigs. They are an interesting animal. This one is about 10 weeks old so its about the size of a hamster maybe. I am not familiar with hamsters. It is bigger than a mouse. It has no tail. She can hold him and he will explore and try and crawl up her sleeves. He sits on her lap. But right now he is curled up in a prickly ball because I spooked him when I came in my room. They have soft quills that get hard when they are scared and they roll up into a ball. Leave it to my daughter to find something like this. She loves animals.

Anyway hard to tell but I think my food was better today. Definitely better tonight. I am having my salad. I worked late and then picked up daughter and went to the pet store for stuff for the hedgehog. So it is late but I decided to have my salad no matter what. If I skip stuff I end up grabbing other stuff. I will make some calculations before I go to sleep and log in my food for the day.

The high fiber cereal has sugar so I am going to avoid it. I need fiber, though. And more protein. The scale sucked this morning but I was expecting it. No gain but no loss. I am getting on every day to keep from going in denial. I can do this.

More (hopefully less) will be revealed..

Evening Note

2011-01-10T17:38:00.000-08:00

Okay I did pretty good today but got a tad bit sidetracked when I got home from work. I had high fiber cereal and yogurt instead of my salad. I also cottage cheese and low cal high fiber crackers (one serving) and now I am finished. Had a stressful day at work and stuck to my plan all day. Weather got snowy and slippery on the way home and I slid several times and was kind of freaked out when I got home and was supposed to take daughter to pick up a hedgehog. Yes, she is getting a hedgehog for a pet. But I did not think I wanted to slip and slide back out trying to go get it tonight. We had a snit over it but I stuck to my guns. Her boyfriend took her. He did not think the roads were bad - he must have better tires. I need to get new tires on the front of my car, like tomorrow morning in fact. Anyway I responded by grabbing the cereal and yogurt and I wish I'd waited and had my salad instead but the end result in calories is not bad. But I don't like that I diverted in a moment of stress. For some reason salad did not appeal to me at that moment and I was hungry. So, if I eat no more tonight today will be a pretty good day but not super fantastic. I face the scale in the morning and I want results. I will do better tomorrow. I am determined. I am going to put my jammies on and read and get a good night's sleep.

Morning Notes

2011-01-10T04:57:00.000-08:00

I am making a commitment to a food plan this morning. I put it together with what I have on hand. I am cooking two eggs and my special toast for breakfast. I have a frozen lunch to heat up for a warm meal of chicken and vegetables. I have two small snacks. Dinner will be salad and turkey and the special toast. And yogurt for the third snack. This is about 1200 calories basically eating six times but smaller meals. I am going to see if this works just for today. I have to start somewhere so I am starting where I am. And, where I am today is far better off than where I was in 2005 when I hit bottom with food and in 2006 when I started blogging. But I am still in a danger zone. The danger of denial, and acceptance of excess weight and excess food. If I don't intervene and do something now I could be back up where I was and further. Plus where I am now is not comfortable for me at all.

I got out my Passing for Thin book last night and began reading it again. It got me started in 2006. It describes the horror of the disease of overeating, but it also describes the hope of recovery from it and the excitement of turning it all around. So that's what I want to do. Recover from a negative pattern of living. Depression and overeating are so mixed up together in my life I need to address both of them together and do anything and everything that works and even be willing to try new suggestions when I can find them.

That's my note and commitment this morning. Also somewhere in this day I know I can fit in some ab exercises and a walk. Probably this evening since I have an early phone meeting I am rushing off to work.

Out with the old and in with the new

2011-01-09T16:52:00.000-08:00

I took the Christmas decorations down this morning. It felt good to move on even though I love the holidays. I also gave away my last two birds. I had birds for many years but they are messy and noisy and I no longer wanted to share a room with them. My daughter's best friend wanted them so I knew they were going to a good home. It felt good to give them away. I think this is going to be a year of getting rid of things. I want to clean out the garage and I want to get rid of the clutter in my room. My eating was better the past two days and I have been drinking as much water as I can. I did not keep track very well though and I need to do that so I really know what's going on. I am attracted to crackers and cereal and that type of thing. I need a program and I need one now. So I have my South Beach book and the Kay S. book next to my bed and I am going to read over the foods to enjoy and the foods to avoid.

I hope to post regularly now and move on. Old habits out. New habits in.

Into January Already!

2011-01-08T08:53:00.001-08:00

How time passes so fast. I had a very nice Christmas. Only one meltdown on the 23rd. I did better with the food but oddly I ended up gaining the week after. Some things I did that worked well: I had delicious fruit on hand as an alternative to the traditional baked goods. I only baked cookies on Christmas Eve and it was one batch. I baked breads with whole grain flour and less sugar. I walked the dog after eating. The challenge was that I found myself constantly dealing with food, but I was so busy I think I ate less of it. But I believe I gained because I stayed in
Food mode after the holiday and continued to eat more than normal. I have been feeling a little sick this week and not drinking my usual amount of water so I am hoping this weeks pounds can go away quickly. I hate the feeling of tightness in clothes and I feel every extra pound. Then I don't want to go anywhere as if the world will know and judge me for it. That part is very silly. The isolation is part of my problem.

I still have not rented out the house. I had one prospect that said they wanted it February if I did not rent it out before then but she has not returned the paperwork or my calls. I hate dealing with people like this. They all seem so self centered, irresponsible and wanting something for nothing sometimes. They don't respect a contract that they sign they just do what they need to do to get what they want when they want it even if it involves lying. I had to get that off my chest, I think I just have had a bad experience or two and I am getting jaded about people. I wish I did not have to deal with this but deal I must so I will try and get my positive thinking going. I cannot afford to slip into depression. I already feel it tugging at me.

I think I am going to go ahead and spend the money to go to the gym. I feel so sluggish and it always helped in the past. My best times involved gym visits. I need to do what works.

On January 3rd I always think back to 2005 when I hit bottom at about 206 pounds. I am over 40 pounds less than that this year, but long to be the 15 or even 20 pounds less that I was in 2008. It felt victorious and new. Now I feel scared and out of control. Climbing up instead of down. I feel like a failure or that I spoiled my victory. And it is all about food. Stupid food. Food that is supposed to be used to sustain and energize not harm and humiliate. What's the deal? I don't want to take good things and make them bad anymore. Sometimes I look back on my life and see constant struggle. I guess that's why I named this blog I surrender. I want to stop struggling and start living.

I noticed that in the years I blogged more, my weight was better. And I was happier. Do I blog less because my weight is up, or is my weight up because I blog less? I think that there is a correlation, but not so simple. I am happier when I communicate with others and have friendship and support in my life. It is easier to have goals and be accountable. Today I am trying to dig through the wreckage of my room, it is full of dust, and debris. I am throwing things away and trying to organize what is left. I want my living space to appeal to me again. All these things make a difference. I feel really swollen and bloated today. I want out of this body!
So I am flushing myself out with water.

More will be revealed..

Chocolate Covered Cherries

2010-12-22T21:43:00.001-08:00

This is not a post about eating. It is post about grieving. Every year all my life chocolate covered cherries were under the tree for my father. We gave them to him when we were kids, and then my kids gave them to him. Every single year of my entire life. This year I noticed them first when I was waiting in a long line at the grocery store just before Thanksgiving. Then as Christmas approached and I was doing my shopping and thinking of what to get for who, I could not imagine Christmas without having a gift for my father. There are so many fond memories of him and Christmas. I could not imagine watching It's a Wonderful Life - that was his all time favorite Christmas movie and we watched it every Christmas with him, even in the later stages of his Alzhiemer's. I finally started crying last Sunday on the way to the mall. I had bought a box of chocolate covered cherries to put under the tree in his memory.

I decided that I would go to his grave and bring a wreath, and the chocolate covered cherries and have one with him. I had not been to the grave since they set the tombstone. So I went and picked out a pretty wreath with silver ribbons. Silver Bells is one of the carols I remember him singing. We have a recording of him playing the guitar and singing it. He would play guitar and record us singing carols when we were kids. We still listen to those recordings sometimes at Christmas. My brother keeps the archives of all the family recordings.

I never visited a grave before. It was comforting to decorate it and to talk to him and I even sang some of Silver Bells. It was cold. I cried but I felt like I had spent some of my Christmas with him. I felt like I included him in my life.

I have been kind of up and down. My weight is at my pre Thanksgiving weight and that is good. I am not that intersted in food and the Christmas Eve and Christmas day food will be easier and safer than Thanksgiving. I am having the family at my house both days. It stresses me a bit but then I am also excited, too. I am ignoring the rental house situation. I got it ready to show and already have one prospect that wants to move in the first of February. I will get back to that next week.

I wanted to check in and wish anyone still reading my bog a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Confession

2010-12-07T20:42:00.000-08:00

I ate at least three servings of triscuit thin crisps tonight and I don't know how many Hershey peppermint kisses. I have to be honest and accountable. This is not good. I am trying so hard to keep my spirits up and my stress level down about that rental property fiasco. Last night I went and looked at it. Stuff all over the place. Trash, bags of it in the shed. Debris and personal items strewn about. The carpet looks awful. Walls with smudges, filthy toilets, and so on. I want to be an optimist and just let it roll off. I can do that most of the time but I have moments where I think I just cannot do this. I have to pay their unpaid trash bill or the trash company will never allow trash pickup there again. There's some really weird trash monopoly situation in that county. I have to pay their unpaid sewer bills. This adds to already a couple of hundred dollars. I don't want to dwell on it. I am going to stop talking about it. My point here is that I keep making all this effort to be upbeat about it but I came home and hit the crackers and kisses. Like the underlying stress jumped out and grabbed for the food. I am responsible for this eating episode and I have to be extra vigilant during this potentially stressful time.

I have been very cheerful and happy around the house with the kids, and I have been chipping away steadily at that laundry pile and other little areas of clutter. I have energy and I even find myself liking my job. I have a deep appreciation for my job today. I have a deep appreciation for my life today. Being alive. I have been reading about Elizabeth Edward's passing and thinking to myself, what if this was my last day and I spent it obsessing over that rental property situation? I have no time to waste. I only need to think about it when I am doing a task that relates to it. When the task is finished, I can move on. I can do my tasks with joy. The joy of being alive and able to do these things. I appreciate the fact that I was able to move out here in spite of still owning that house in the old neighborhood and put the kids in a better school and living situation. It is worth the whole rental stuff, and I am going to keep on with it as long as necessary. I can emotionally detach and treat is like a business. Think of the workout I will get cleaning up the place on Saturday. I can't pay my next year's gym fee due to this financial interruption so I will have to find other ways to work out.

More will be revealed.

Okay time for sleep. The eating episode is over. I forgive myself and move on.

Is it ever enough?

2010-12-05T07:45:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a good friend yesterday and I told her what I had done so far that day, commenting that I felt like I had not accomplished anything. She told me that it sounded like I had done many things already and that every time we talk I am always doing many things. It was one of those moments where I realized something about myself that I am not sure I ever knew before. I know I have the "not good enough" concept about myself lurking in the back of my mind waiting to pounce on any flaw or mistake. But what I see now is that I never think I DO enough. I am always feeling unaccomplished like there is so much left to do, or worse lately, that this is it, and I am NEVER going to DO anything, its all over, etc.

I have had the feeling of lack, that's what I call it, about food, money, love, etc. - like there is never going to be enough, I can't get enough, I don't have enough, and so on. I believe that leads to hoarding, overeating, etc. but this lack feeling applied to DOING - how does it impact me? It leads to feeling like a failure. I can feel overwhelmed and inadequate. I am going to address this feeling and how it effects me. It can also lead to the what's the use, why don't I just sit and eat philosophy. All stress can lead me to eat, I already know that.

So, I want to visualize what would be ENOUGH doing. Does my house need to be perfectly clean? All work at the office finished? My weight at a normal BMI? One 45 or longer exercise session per day? Eating on plan all day? Maybe I need to set some minimum standards for some of these things.

This weekend I started clearing out this massive pile of clothes in my room, sorting what can go, what stays and laundering what needs to be washed. It is a BIG project. It grows as I work at it. I want to pitch it all and frankly I believe I'd never miss it if I did.

I lost another Thanksgiving pound. I am still ticked off about those. But glad I am somewhat back on track. I have not eaten in front of the TV. I watched a movie last night and I realized that If I watched a movie each night I would not eat in the evening. I like having a NO EATING zone. In fact, maybe I could only eat at the table (what a concept) and then everywhere else would be a no eating zone. I may try that after the TV experiment, branch it out. Overeating is most likely related to eating everywhere while doing everything. If eating was just eating at the table would I eat less? I believe so. Maybe I can find that out.

UPDATE - My tenants did not contact me yet about the rent and I got a funny feeling so I looked them up on facebook. They are in Indiana staying in a hotel, working jobs and house hunting. The whole story is chronicled in their facebook posts. They quite their jobs on Nov 8th and she got a job up in Indiana and took a bus, then he came up after Thanksgiving. They left their kids with relatives and my house is locked and their stuff is still in it. I doubt I see anymore money and I guess I will call a lawyer tomorrow. This was a huge shock for me but I am determined not to let it bring me down. It is a huge financial strain among other things but I was just climbing out of that awful depression and I refuse to let this take me back down. I am having steamed veggies (not in front of the tv) and we are decorating the tree. I may not be able to spend much money this year for presents but I am going to keep a cheerful outlook for me and my kids and be merry all the same. Here we go again, but this time around I am more seasoned, educated and experienced about the whole house thing. I just wish,....

OK

2010-12-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

My weight is stagnant and I regret Thanksgiving now because I was progressing. Phooey. But I am not giving up, I am eating sanely and exercising and all that jazz. And being patient. And forgiving myself and encouraging myself and others who are on the same journey. Today I made a tastey salmon salad for lunch. Trying to get more salmon in the diet.

I also signed up for a "study" where we try and stick with one changed behavior for two weeks. My behavior change is not eating in front of the TV. Very good one for me because even though I do not watch lots of TV, I usually eat when I do. Also, I watch more TV when I eat in front of it, and I eat more when I eat in front of the TV. I like movies. I decided that I will drink hot tea if I want something. I have not watched any TV since I started this. Too funny.

More will be revealed.

Steamed Veggies and other delights

2010-12-02T16:31:00.000-08:00

I love steamed veggies. I especially enjoy broccoli with fresh ground pepper and a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese or low fat mozzarella. I have been mixing in celery and a few baby carrots the past few evenings. I also used up all the leftovers from the veggie dip tray on Thanksgiving for my steamed mix. I am focusing on the goodness of whole foods. I want to make sure I enjoy what I eat.

I also like frozen blueberries. Just small amount of large curd cottage cheese mixed in with a cup of frozen blueberries is a yummy frozen dessert for me. But it is full of nutrition. And guilt free. For my morning coffee indulgence I have been using seasonal coffee grounds like pumpkin spice, eggnog and peppermint with a tablespoon of half and half. Then I sprinkle in some spices. It makes a warm morning treat with no more than about 20-25 calories. I also have been enjoying sugar plum spice tea - a seasonal tea blend with no calories or caffeine. Also have some black cherry tea on hand at work for a rich fruity flavor in the afternoon. I love warm drinks. They are soothing. I am finding "comforts" without the calories.

I have settled into better eating after my holiday splurges. I decided to be more prudent at Christmas and have a menu that is easier to live with like a big salad and some shrimp. I still have another turkey to cook but the sides will be different. I just don't like taking a whole week to recover after a few days of eating outside of my boundaries.

I toyed with joining weight watchers but I hate when I spend money and don't follow a plan. Not that I wouldn't but this past year I spend some money on another program and ended up not doing it at all and gaining weight instead. I lost weight before by being flexible but sticking to some rules that I can adjust if need be. Weight watchers looks somewhat flexible and I like the idea of going to a meeting and weighing in. So I am still not finished toying with the idea yet.

More will be revealed

Back to the New Normal

2010-11-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

I had a very relaxing long weekend. I increased my walking to twice a day now. I also found a new hiking spot on Saturday. It is on the way home from where I take my daughter to work on
Saturday mornings. My Thanksgiving dinner turned out good, but the last half hour is pretty intense with all the things that have to happen at basically the same time. My Mom made the pies the day before but I kept her out of the kitchen on Thursday. Everyone cleared out not too long after dinner except for my Mom, me and my brother which was nice because we watched very old family movies from the late sixties, early seventies and also listed to some audio recordings from when we were kids. I just relaxed and drank tea in my recliner and got up once in a while to re-load the dishwasher. I watched movies most of the weekend when I was not walking or running little errand or two. It was very low key. I liked it that way.

But now I am back to regular eating on my plan. I had deviations every day over the weekend but I suppose it could have been much worse. I decided to weigh in a couple of days from now to see if I have balanced out. Work is very busy and today my back/neck started hurting so I need to watch out and do my yoga and stretches, and make sure I am not sitting too long in certain positions in front of the computer. Also need to focus on getting plenty of sleep.

That's all for today.

Long Days

2010-11-23T21:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I worked until 7 and grocery shopped yet again. I forgot to start thawing the turkey so I decided to get another one - that isn't frozen. I bought more stuff. When I got home the internet was not working and I could not post. It rained and I did not get to dogwalk. Today I had to go straight to court after work. Last January a woman hit my car as I was driving through a parking lot. She left the scene and was prosecuted for it. She had no insurance and told me so before she left the accident scene. I posted about it at the end of last January. When the police caught up with her she produced fake insurance information and I never got paid my deductible and out of pockets for the rental. I forgot the whole thing, it was just one more unpleasant event in the midst of a whole slew of big deals last winter. Then out of the blue I got a subpoena to appear as a witness for her trial for leaving the scene of an accident.

I did not want to go. I dreaded it really. I did not want to remember that incident, face that person, and testify. I did not want to go back to that area where it happened, either. But I went mostly because I had to go. I sat and sat and waited and a prosecutor called me back and he read the police reports for the first time and asked me questions. I brought my bills for my damages and insurance. He said he was going to try for a guilty plea and make her pay restitution. But we agreed there was little chance of me seeing any money. So after I sat down he called her back and they were back there for a long time. Then he came out and said she was going to plead guilty. After he went through the whole plea deal to the judge and went over a summary of the case and the evidence, the judge asked her to plea and she started crying loudly and said she did not understand it and that I hit her and she did not understand what was going on. So the judge asked her if she wanted a trial and she said yes. So we had to wait some more and then me and the cop had to testify. She chose not to cross examine me (interesting) but she cross examined the cop who testified that he tracked her down to her house and took a statement from her. She told him that he told her that I was acting goofy like maybe I had been drinking or something (then prosecutor objects for leading witness) but the cop denied that he said anything like that to her and denied that I seemed goofy. That was bizarre and strange to me and I did not like her doing that. Then I had to testify again, and so on. She somehow evolved a defense that I hit her and that she left the scene to "cut me a break" or something like that. The court did not buy it and found her guilty and ordered fines and restitution. I did not like the experience at all.

She lied about what I said, she tried to imply I was under the influence or drunk and she did a lot of sobbing as if she was the victim. I guess that's what people do but it made me feel uneasy. It made me feel guilty like I did something wrong but all I did was call the police to the scene of an accident so I could have a report to turn into my insurance because the driver said they had no insurance. She left and that started the ball rolling on her case. I did not like seeing her get a fat fine and restitution, but it's a result of her own actions. If she thought it was my fault, she should have stayed and got my insurance information, and helped make the police report.

I was there for three hours at least. I just wanted to go home. And I did but I made sure I got out of there while she was still at the clerk's window trying to get her license back because I did not want any parking lot confrontations. She may have been crying in court (loud with high drama) but I am not sure what she would be like on the parking lot out of view of the judge, prosecutor and cops.

Anyway, the ick of it all should wear off. I just don't like being blamed when I am the victim.

I don't like being the "victim" either. I just want to be me.

My Mom is here and she apparently is not into the cooking of Thanksgiving dinner. I am cooking, but thought we'd kinda do it together, but I feel her negativity about it already. I want to just do it and try and make it happy no matter what she says. I was talking about making the pies (pumpkin using frozen crust - thought it would be easy) and she said "I dont want to think about the dinner" so maybe she was just tired.

I can do the whole thing without her help but I thought since she is here and I am working all day tomorrow she could throw a couple pumpkin pies in the oven but she seemed to doubt I had what she would need to make them, utensils, enough ingredients, and so forth and said she did not like cooking in other people's kitchens. Ok. I felt a little unhappy about all that.

I think I need sleep. More will be revealed. After the conversation with Mom I went out yet again and bought more stuff just to be sure she would have WAY more stuff than we needed. I also bought a frozen pie. Just in case..hee hee. It is really late.

Kinda Lazy, Kinda Sad

2010-11-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

I was two pounds down this morning from last Sunday. I cannot say I have been perfect with food this weekend but better. I took an hour walk yesterday. I have been really tired with that feeling of almost being sick. Today daughter had an opening for an art exhibit where one of her drawings was on display. She was disappointed that she did not win anything but her artwork was very good. It was an exhibit with high schools from all over the state and one of her friends took the first place in drawing.

I have to admit I have been feeling depressed a little the past few days. I feel lonely often but I don't feel like getting out and socializing either so I am sort of stuck in that spot. When grocery shopping the other night I saw chocolate covered cherries on display - every year without fail we brought those to my Dad on Christmas. Since childhood no Christmas went without Dad getting chocolate covered cherries. I even found a chocolate covered cherry coffee last year. This is the first holiday season without him. I find it hard to talk about my feelings.

So what to do? I don't know. I want sleep and withdraw and hide out but the hiding out really does not make me feel better, it brings on loneliness. But when I think of going out around people, sometimes a little panic sets in.

Anyway, that's what is going on with me.

Quick Check in to stay an track

2010-11-19T20:37:00.001-08:00

Tonight I snacked on a big bowl of steamed broccoli. I am still full. I also feel like I am coming down with a cold but I want to ignore it. Must catch up on exercise this weekend since I got sluggish this week. The weather will be nice for hiking. Just checking in. Very sleepy.

Nuts

2010-11-18T19:56:00.000-08:00

No, not nuts like crazy nuts, thankfully. Walnuts. Too many. After dinner. But not to worry, the rest of the day was perfect. So I will move on. I get the nuts thinking I will have a few because they are good for me, and so on. But I NEVER have been able to stop at a few. Something about me and nuts. Must be the fat or something. Anyway I was a pound down this morning. I weigh every day to keep myself honest. Otherwise I can "pretend" I am losing, or that I really don't need to lose, etc.

I am not feeling like exercising, feel very tired, and a little like I am fighting a cold or maybe it is the drop in food intake. I will get as much sleep as I can tonight and see how I feel tomorrow. I want to eat less AND exercise, not just one or the other. It takes two.

More will be revealed.

The Magic of 3

2010-11-17T17:21:00.000-08:00

There is something about getting through the first three days of a change in eating. If I can get those first three under my belt I get the momentum going. I don't feel like I am making a drastic change in what I eat, more about how much I eat, especially in the evening. Ok, wait, the "what" did have to change by cutting out sweets and junk but it does not feel like a big deal. It feels normal, like home. I would like fast results and I know I could get some by cutting carbs way down but I decided to avoid extremes and go with something I can live with in the long term. I may get creative as time goes on, but right now I am just happy to stick within my daily food budget.

It is raining tonight, so I will opt for indoor exercise unless it stops long enough for a walk. I like walking in the cold, crisp night air. I feel a little blah this evening, but I am making sure to do my nightly check in.

Things are going well at home these days. Both kids had fantastic grades. Daughter has been working a part time job at the mall at a pretzel place. I can probably attribute some of this stubborn gain to the nights she was bringing us treats, pretzel dogs, bites, etc. But that's coming to an end because she decided to take a receptionist job at a car dealer working Saturdays only. I like that idea because she will not work school nights, or any nights - and just in time for winter weather. Plus no more fattening food. She stopped bringing things home a while back anyway because neither one of us wanted the calories. Even the dog started turning up his nose.

That's my report. I feel like I am on the right path for now. Time to do some exercises!

No excuses today, either

2010-11-16T19:09:00.001-08:00

I am tired, but keeping to my comittment to report everyday. Today I stuck within my boundaries for food. Exercise was less than planned but I still managed a mall walk. I worked late so it has been a long day. I am happy to go to bed knowing that I did not overeat today. I got an apple at the vending machine when I knew I was going to be staying past dinner time. Apples fill me up and keep me satisfied for a while in a pinch. I want to get a very good night's sleep tonight so I can get up and exercise in the morning.

Today Worked

2010-11-15T17:46:00.000-08:00

I stayed in my food budget today and I walked tonight. It is almost eight and I feel satisfied. I did a few push-ups this morning. It was not easy and I did not get as low as I could two years ago. Last night I was looking at my exercise blog and felt sad when I read how many push-ups I was doing a day, among other things. I have been reading old posts and going back to when I reached my goal. Okay, I am only about 15 pounds heavier than back then and I can get back there. I did not stay at my normal body mass index very long, only for a few months but I stayed close to it, and then teetered up and down. Now I am solidly overboard with only teetering up and no teetering down and I want to overcome the feeling of being so far away. It's not that far. Not nearly as far away as I was in 2005. I want that excited - anything can happen - feeling back.

So I have been reading blogs. Blogs give me hope and keep me motivated. I don't feel alone anymore. There are so many great blogs with so many different strategies, ideas, recipes and so on. I could browse blogs all night long. It keeps me busy and it motivates me.

I also wrote a list of my "excuses" that I have been using to not get serious again. Then I wrote a counter to each one. It was a good exercise. I wrote the truth about each excuse. The truth is that I want to get back down to that normal BMI and back to that level of fitness. I want to get a little lower than that this time and then stay there. The truth is that I can do it. The truth is that it is not that hard. The truth is that I did it before.

So, no more excuses. I have a goal, I have a plan, I have my mother coming next week (yikes) and the holidays ahead but there is NOTHING that HAS to stand in my way. In fact, I can turn it all to the good. I can be that much happier on Thanksgiving if I don't go into that day (and it is only ONE DAY) feeling already bloated and defeated. I can wake up that day feeling lean on the inside from having some sane eating under my belt. I can wake up that morning with that excited - anything can happen - feeling. I can take a long morning hike with the dog and have healthy indulgences that don't leave me with remorse. And so on...

More will be revealed.

The Joys of Hiking and Having a Plan

2010-11-14T14:35:00.001-08:00

I was only going to hike an hour today but I ended up hiking two hours and 5.5 miles because it was such a beautiful day for hiking and it felt so good. This hike has some high climbing which makes for a very good workout, plus some scenic spots to take a short rest. The weather was warmer than I expected. I am looking forward to the colder days. I love warm, cozy clothes and fires in the fireplace! I have decided to limit food intake to 12-1500 calories a day this next week, high on the lean protein and as low as possible on the sugar and no junk. My life is feeling much more balanced and I can pay more attention to food choices and simplify my meals. I can use a zero tolerance attitude again and reap the benefits of doing so. I have gotten into the habit of giving in easily and putting off "getting serious" and the result is a fluctuation without ever getting back down and staying in the range where I feel best. If I want to do that I need to make it a priority, be true to myself and just DO IT. I know how. My body feels so good after a nice long strenuous hike. And I feel so good mentally and emotionally when I stick to a higher protein, low to no sugar food program packed with natural whole foods. I feel calm, confident, stable and hopeful. So this week I am committed to blogging every day before bed to stay accountable and celebrate my success! That's the Plan.

Quick Post

2010-11-07T19:24:00.000-08:00

I have had trouble with my wireless signal so I have not been on the internet. The picture that I posted last week was from a scenic drive I took with my Mom last weekend. This weekend I went back to that same area and hiked in the bluffs overlooking the river. Have had some great walks and hikes with the dog in the fall weather.

Happy Fall!!

2010-10-31T18:42:00.000-07:00

WOW

2010-10-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

The picture is not the Wow, read on..

Today I had a major awakening. Now I know nothing I say here has not been said before by me, but the way I feel about it is different. This morning I realized that at my age and activity level I do not NEED the amount of calories I take in each day. I also eat way too much sugar and do not NEED sugar at all. I have been eating for all the wrong reasons, boredom, tiredness, loneliness, anxiety and so on. Now I have always known this, but today it just all made perfect sense and I felt real peaceful about it. What makes sense now also is I do not NEED the food for the anxiety, boredom, tiredness, loneliness and so on, either. There are real solutions for those. Food is just an illusion, a quick fix, a crutch and it hurts more than it helps in the long run.

I know I have said this in many ways and felt it and believed it before yet I could not do anything about it. But today it became easy - like a light went on or something. I decided to cut the sugar entirely, and cut a majority of the unnecessary carbs and eat a very small "meal" every couple of hours or so and see how each food made me feel. I drank lots of water. I took time to marvel at the nourishment of the food and taste, and what it was going to do for my body. I also noted how I felt after I ate to see which foods were better for keeping me steady. I think this may be what they call mindful eating but I did not plan it that way.

I also wrote in my journal what I can do for all those emotions and feelings that used to trigger food "craving" and I know I have done THAT before, too. But today it made simple sense and felt easy. I wrote out what I was looking forward to doing at home tonight that had nothing to do with food and there was a nice list (included blogging) and then I wrote about what food I could look forward to enjoying if I needed to eat. There was no struggle today over food. No conflict. I ate what I planned to eat. I ate what made sense and I appreciated it. I took my dog walk, did my errands, etc., and now it is close to bedtime. I am satisfied and happy and have NO desire for food.

Wow, what is the deal? I am going to enjoy this. It's great! PS here is a picture that Grandson took of me and the dog after church yesterday. Its the only photo of me I have liked in over a year.

Add Yoga and Fall Colors

2010-10-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have now added yoga to my routine. Fundamental beginner stuff. But it helps. My back feels better. I do it at work, too, in my office and it gives me energy. I have been meditating more and I feel calm. I do not get that tight feeling in my chest at work like I was having every day for a while. It is a big relief. I am still walking every day. I found a nice little park to take nature walks in on my lunch hour. It has enough hills for it to be a nice little burst of a workout. It has been breezy and a little cooler, my favorite kind of weather. I want to start keeping a food diary, all day, not just during the daytime hours. It's the evenings that get me. I now have regular exercise so all I need is less food, less carbs, more lean protein and I can't help but take off those nagging ten pounds, right? Must be a reason I hang onto them, but I am willing to let them go. Willing enough to give up whatever it is I get out of eating extra food.

Anyway, I am happy to be happy again. More will be revealed!!

Daybreak

2010-10-08T20:54:00.001-07:00

I have risen out of the depression. I think it may have been the worst stretch I can recall. I feel so much lighter now. As if all burdens simply melted away like a long hard winter snow. I attribute much of the recovery to my regular walks, my positive meditations and readings and the training of my thoughts. I have been diverting the negative thoughts, replacing them with realistic but positive ones. It is becoming a natural response, a habit. I am also being careful who I spend time with, converse with, so that I have more positive people in my life to balance things out. I am just happy the joy is returning. I even feel good at work sometimes, maybe almost all the time this past week or so. I feel optimistic. I don't feel trapped or anxious over things that may happen. I don't feel burdened and overwhelmed. I feel like anything can happen. Good things. It's miraculous actually. I am excited about it. The finding of a church that I look forward to going to is also a major plus. I am going to take a class there and expand my spirituality. I don't feel closed off or like hiding out. I still have some cleanup from the days of lack. But nothing looms over me. I cleaned in my room last weekend and made it pleasant to enter. There are still areas to deal with but they do not dominate. It all feels manageable. I have been reading from three Emmet Fox books that I ordered one night off of Amazon. I have read his books for years because I favor his biblical interpretations and his positive message. The church I found also has a very positive message. I have changed my thoughts toward the good in my life and it grows. I am looking forward to life again. More will be revealed..

Still Walking, and Hiking

2010-10-01T05:01:00.000-07:00

I am still walking and hiking and enjoying the fall weather. Still no significant weight loss, just losing and gaining back the same pounds but I have been feeling better mentally and even found a nice little church that I think I am going to like. I went there Sunday, and then I went Wednesday night for a meditation. I keep trying to do better with food but my deviations occur consistently at the end of the day. So perhaps I can go to bed earlier!!

Hiking Boots

2010-09-14T17:59:00.001-07:00

I bought my hiking boots on Saturday morning and broke them in that afternoon. I took a rocky trail that climbed very high and looped around for over three miles. It was great. Out in the quiet woods. It was strenuous and I felt great afterward. The boots kept my feet protected from the sharp rocks. They gripped well and my feet felt stable. They are not too heavy even though they are sturdy. Sunday I took shorter trail, mostly flat with the dog. We ran into a cotton mouth snake. It struck at the dog but missed and then the dog moved back towards the snake and I had to jerk the leash and run the other way. I need to bring the camera on my next hike. I have missed some photo opportunities in the wild. I am enjoying my new walking/hiking passion very much. And my legs feel stronger. A pound came off. I am getting a bit frustrated about the sluggish weight loss but not letting it get me down. I just keep moving on and trying every day.

Still Walking

2010-09-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

I walked everyday this week except Friday. I was very tired so I took it easy. It is gloomy this morning and I feel a tad bit down so I am at the coffee shop having tea. My scale is not going down like I want. I did lose a pound and I am making changes in my food so something has to give, right? I shopped for hiking boots. I may get a pair today. The walking shoes feel fantastic. I look forward to hikes in the fall colors.

The Right Direction

2010-09-06T16:28:00.000-07:00

I know why I like walking. It's simple. You point yourself in a good direction, and just keep on moving. That's what I have decided to do with my life. The dog and I took an 8.3 mile hike yesterday. It was very hilly and rugged. It took about four hours with a few breaks. It is a very scenic trail through woods and bluffs that overlook the river. It was breezy and cool, a perfect day for a hike. My food was not the best in the evening, but it was not the worst, either. I feel like I am making progress. My state of mind is much better. This morning I took a short walk and I was surprised that I am not sore from yesterday's hill climbing. I must be in better shape than I thought.

I also made a little progress in my room. I took two big piles of paperwork and sorted it out while watching a movie. It took a couple of hours. My room is overwhelming but I will get it together. It was a little sad going through the things. There was a file of information from the Alzheimer's Association, and lots of medical bills from when I was in the hospital, daughter's hospital stay, etc. There were numerous papers reflecting the job loss and somewhat disappointing new job.

I need to go easy on myself. I have been through so much in such a relatively short amount of time. I am grateful to be more on the other side of it now. I feel hopeful and steady. I talk down my negative thinking and don't dwell on ideas that bring me down.

More will be revealed.

New Shoes and Attitude

2010-09-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe I have not blogged in almost two weeks. I have been busy in a very good way. Last weekend I did some major cleaning. I am very happy with my first floor. I enjoy being there again. I have also been taking very long walks with the dog. Tonight we walked about five and a half miles - in an hour and fifteen minutes. We took an hour walk Tuesday night and a forty minute walk on Monday. Those are good workouts for me, and the dog is very happy, too. But, I did not have good walking shoes and my feet were starting to bother me. So, tonight I went out and bought some very comfy and supportive shoes. They feel great. What a difference! I cannot wait to try them out tomorrow. Next, I want hiking boots because I am planning to do some scenic hikes now that the weather is cooling down.

I am feeling good again. The kids are enjoying school. Daughter is doing fantastic now. She has a part time job, she drives herself to school and work. Being busy is good for her. Grandson has a knee problem, but we went to the right doctor and he is going to have some physical therapy, etc. Long word for it, but not serious. He is very athletic, two gym classes plus weight room after school. First he was really upset about having to limit his activities for the next month, but he is feeling ok about it now. I am glad I took care of it right away so it can get better.

Taking care of my little circle of responsibility (me, my household, the two kids) is what we talked about in therapy the other night. I had two sessions this week and one last week. I think I should go often. It helps. I get confused and feel responsible for people when I am not. I feel guilty about being happy if someone else is not happy and so on. Anyhow, I am getting better now.

When I am feeling healthier mentally, I treat myself better physically. It comes naturally. I couple of weeks ago, feeling desperate, I bought HCG diet drops on the internet. When they arrived I was afraid to use them. The diet is 500 calories a day, except the first two days where you eat "lots of fattening food" - this all sounded bizarre to me. The HCG drops are supposed to contain a hormone (HCG) that makes this all work out really good, you lose fat, not muscle, don't feel hunger, and so on, but I was scare of it. I was pissed I spend so much money on it. I decided to do it, and tried to have day one yesterday, but I ended up flushing it down the toilet in a restroom at work. It made me feel kind of light headed. I did not want to eat a bunch of fattening food, either. Isn't that great? I was instructed to eat as much as I wanted, and I did not rush out and gorge. I have definitely come a long, long, way. I did not even like thinking about eating a bunch of fatty foods. And, I did not want eat 500 calories a day for 23 days and not exercise. I did not want to take drops when I really was not sure of all their contents - 20 percent alcohol - a substance I am not supposed to ingest.

I feel good about the flushing of the expensive weight loss drops. When I lost the big weight I did it by eating in balance. I lost and kept the weight off by eating healthy food in smaller portions and by maintaining a balance in my life. I have not gained very much weight. This is not a major catastrophe. But it needs to be addressed immediately. I feel excited again. I look forward to changing my body. I know I can do this. I can adapt my program now to what works for me at this point in my life.

Long dog walks are working well this week. And that's good enough for me!

Grateful

2010-08-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

Today on the way home from my Mom's house I went a little out of the way to a state park. It was mainly to use an outdoor restroom because I had the dog with me. But it ended up in a nice nature hike with the dog. And a great picture taking session. I enjoyed it very much. I need to learn more about my camera so I can use settings to get better pictures in different light, etc. But for now I just enjoyed taking pictures and walking in the woods. We came upon this waterfall which was a real treat. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow. I had lunch with friends yesterday. I am appreciating my body more but still hoping to get on a better food/exercise program. For today I am grateful for the hike. And the dog.

Still Here

2010-08-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

I'm still here. I appreciate the comments and support. Not much time to write but wanted to check in. I went to help my Mom get ready to move. I also took pictures of the property and my Dad's woodworking workshop and tool shed. I am thinking of art projects related to things that represent what he did in his life. I took home one of his manuscripts and started reading it. Unfortunately the first chapter described a soldier's funeral. So the detailed description of the military honors was just like his own funeral. I felt really weird after that. I stopped reading. I find I am sensitive and prone to depression the past couple of days but then, maybe that is how I always am.. I miss how I used to be. Happier and confident. I seem to have lost some confidence somewhere in the job loss, new job adjustment, death, illness and other things going on in the past year. I remember what it felt like to be excited about life and feel like I had things to look forward to. I hope to get that back. Today it is not here but I will get some sleep tonight and hope for the best. I know I need a therapist and I have one but I have been afraid to take time off of work and she only sees people in the day. flimsy excuse, right?

More will be revealed.

Saturday

2010-08-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

I am glad I did not delete my blog. I came up with a nice dream to satisfy my desire to escape. My new exit plan is to move to Belize. A nice little tropical country. It makes me feel good to dream of it. I need to start thinking of dreams without limitations so that I can get to know my own wants and needs. I have spent most of my life thinking of the wants and needs of others. That's not a bad quality but I have to balance it with taking care of myself and all that good stuff. Speaking of which I have eaten less today. I have slept more. This week my food volume was too high but my food choices were good. I felt better about my job, too.

I went to my Al anon group this morning and then had coffee with a friend. Sitting and talking with someone who understands is so, so helpful. She and her husband have much in common with me. I need to hear how other people deal with things. I know I am not alone. They, too, experienced a death in their family recently. It was very unexpected, a nephew in his forties. Then my other close friend's son in law died very suddenly in an accident just a couple of weeks ago. When I talk to about what they are going through it gives me perspective and allows me to exchange kindness and support.

I am thankful for the nice comments and support that I get on here. When I thought of deleting my blog the first thought was that I couldn't do that especially because I know that Vickie checks in on me regularly. After all these years I would feel like I was walking out on good friends even though we don't see each other in person.

I am going to help my Mom get ready to move. She is moving next weekend. I am going to see her new place now that the rehabbing is finished. I am going to help her shop for some furniture solutions and also figure out what she is not taking with her. It is a bit overwhelming to go there, but this weekend and next will most likely be the last time I see the property which they have owned for 25 years. I want to take some photographs of the place and some of my Dad's stuff, like his workshop. I have a mixture of emotions about it all.

I promise to be kind to myself. After I wrote my post the other night I was able to get up and do some things that made me feel better. It helped to be honest instead of hide out.

More will be revealed.

Getting Desperate and Drastic

2010-08-12T16:36:00.001-07:00

I almost deleted my blog today. I was going to delete myself from facebook and blogger. Some form of electronic suicide or something. I am frustrated with myself. Kind of disgusted with myself, too. I start and stop on my fitness efforts. I have never felt more tired than I do lately. A couple of my friends lost weight doing the HCG diet. I decided to order some. I waited to see if their weight stayed off and if they had any adverse reactions but so far no complaints and one of them lost the weight back in January I think. I only need or want to lose 20 pounds at the most so it seems like a short targeted program like that would be perfect. I have pondered this for some time now. So now that I paid for it and it is on its way to me I am committed. It is 26 to 30 days long. I feel desperate right now because I keep losing interest and trailing off when I start something. I just want to drop a chunk of weight and be done with it. I feel like I am getting back in the cycle of self loathing where I eat and hate myself and eat some more. Geez. I thought those days were over. How did I get here? Too much time alone isolating perhaps. But not motivated to really do much else. I feel like I could sleep for a year. If I get up and clothes feel tight I don't want to leave the house. That sort of thing. Anyhow, I don't post because I don't want to write stuff like this but thought I'd be honest instead of committing cybersuicide and deleting my blog. So the HCG seems drastic to me but I am going to go ahead with it. I spent too much money on it. I still have icky shakes from Body for Life, too. I feel a tad silly.

Short Report

2010-07-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym five times last week. I feel like I have some momentum now in the right direction. I made good dietary choices, too. But the scale did not budge. It has been a while since I have had such a stuck scale but I am not giving up. I will just make more dietary changes and keep on visiting the gym. Today all I had time for was a short bike ride up hill before we went out of town but I did it in the morning to get my brain going. I am not letting the scale get me down since I know I am making changes that will take me where I want to go.

Gaining insight

2010-07-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

The underlying causes of my overeating - I just read my little profile blurb for the first time in a while. I have gained much insight since 2006, and I did lose weight. I also gained some of it back, but have kept most of it off. My lowest weight was maintained for a few months. Then I fluctuated in a range I could live with and now I am at the scare weight, in fact I do not consider this weight a part of a range I can live with. I want to get back to that lowest weight and stay in a lower range. I feel sluggish and slow. Maybe I am just too old to carry this much around with me. I want to feel more energetic. Lighter. It has to be easier to carry 15 less pounds. I want to finish what I started.

What are the underlying causes of not sticking to a plan?- right now I think I just give up easy because I don't feel motivated. It seems too hard for some reason. My momentum turned to the wrong direction and stayed there a little too long. Too many things happened in too short of a time and I got overwhelmed. But I can do something now.

So I am relying this week on small actions every day. I took another short lunch hour workout at the gym today. I appreciate it even though I tell myself it is way less than I used to do. But it is more than I have been doing. I used weights in the morning at home and a little bit this evening for upper body. I am turning myself around and pointing myself in the right direction. Maybe I am not moving fast, but I am moving, and moving toward the goal.

I feel like I am recuperating after being stricken with a serious illness. I feel weak, but I know I have it in me to do this.

So that is the focus for this week, turning around and facing the right direction.

Wow its been a while

2010-07-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

Didn't realize how long it has been since I last posted. What have I been doing? Well, not losing weight. But I have been going to the gym again. Thank goodness!! And hey, its day two again! Sort of like groundhog day. I need to get my groove back. Or get a new groove. I keep wondering what happened to my peaceful, go with the flow, grateful, Zen-ish attitude. My backyard is a jungle this year and I have not sat out there once. Maybe I should just sit in the jungleness of it and enjoy it for what it is. Natural. My little nature spot. Like out in the wild. I could do that. I will try it tomorrow morning. I have had a decent attitude toward my job. I work hard and try and look at the good in it. I have sent a couple resumes, but I am also trying to make the best of the current situation.

I took a quick workout at the lunch hour today. I tire easy lately and it scares me. I feel very out of shape. But I am still showing up and doing whatever I can in whatever amount of time I have. It always makes me feel better. Food is going good this week also. I hear thunder outside and I think I will go on the porch and listen to the night storm. It is bedtime but I have been having trouble sleeping lately so I will take in some air first and see what happens.

More will be revealed...

Yet another day two!

2010-06-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

I always say Never Give Up. So I don't. I started my body for life over yesterday. I just finished a bike ride, the first of this entire year! First I walked the dog. It is one of those rare cool Summer evenings with low humidity. Perfect for outdoor enjoyment. I was concerned I would not make it up the hill, but I am happy to say that I am in better shape than I thought. It did wonders for my mental state.
Last week I had my performance review. I had to ask for it and remind the boss, which was not a good sign. I was given a below expectations rating. I never had a bad performance review in my life. I was not expecting a good one because I have missed so much work and it has been overwhelming given all the personal things that happened. What it said was that my first six months were difficult due to a number of personal things and that when I was able to focus on my work my performance was good. Something like that. And that since all that stuff is behind me now (not exactly but they can think that) they are looking forward to see what I can really do. What I really want to do is find another job.

I have never much liked this job. I won't go into why. I don't want to focus on it. When I was getting laid off last year this is not the job I dreamed of, longed for, and hoped to find. But the pay is good and it was offered to me easily and I needed the money. Given the job market it was somewhat of a miracle. I do not regret taking it. I do believe there is something out there for me that would provide for a better quality of life. Something more suitable for me and something for which I am better suited.

I made an appointment with the department chair at the college where I earned my professional degree. I want to brainstorm about what other types of work I can do with my background. Plus, I'd love to work in an academic environment. I am looking forward to seeing her. I have huge burnout right now. I'd agree I did not accomplish as much as I could have if my daughter and I had not been hospitalized and my father had not taken a turn for the worse, gone into the nursing home and then died, but factoring those things in (plus the stuff they don't know about) I think I did outstanding.

It was sort of a grand finale for the worst year of my life and I felt oddly liberated by it, but at the same time really sad. I feel sad and lonely at work frequently so I am now determined to do the best job I can do while looking for a new situation. I get the idea they may want me to leave. But I could be wrong. So each day I must seek out what makes me happy and partake in it, keep a positive attitude, and look for the good in my job. I am ready to move on in life. Out of depression and negativity. Those have been looming for too long. I must work harder to overcome by bringing more and more positive energy in wherever I can.

So, bike riding was a major uplift tonight. Perhaps some humor. Maybe I will look up jokes online before I go to bed.

More will be revealed.

Quickie

2010-06-21T09:57:00.000-07:00

It's Monday and I feel better. Last week I felt awful, physically and mentally. I went to the doctor Friday because I realized I most likely had a sinus infection. I feel much better after a few days of antibiotics. We also had my father's memorial Saturday. Although I was very tired from not sleeping well the night before and getting up very early to pick up everyone and get down there on time, I felt better after the memorial. It was very nice and afterwards we went out to eat and then spent a little time at my mother's house. I was pretty exhausted but felt good that we did it and everyone who wanted to come got to be there. Sunday my daughter was having a party and the house was a wreck so I helped put that together. I am glad we did it because if forced us to clean the neglected downstairs. It was also nice to have the house filled with her friends playing games and having a good time Sunday night. This morning I felt better than I have in a long time. I feel capable of doing things. I feel optimistic. I watered my flowers and I did some exercises. I went to work. These things I do not take for granted today because I have recently experienced not being able to do even that much.

I look forward to putting my life back together, maybe not exactly like it was, maybe evolved and transformed a little.

More will be revealed.

two days

2010-06-15T18:01:00.001-07:00

My first two days are good but not perfect eating. I have not exercised. I am exhausted. I want my positive self back. This is a week of mourning of sorts. Mourning things that are lost and appear lost at the moment. Things I can't change. The past. Maybe it is necessary but I want it to pass. I still dread picking my brother up tomorrow night. I don't know why. I feel full of dread. I am afraid to be this honest but hope that if I am these feelings will go away. They are just feelings. There is nothing terrifying about picking people up at the airport - I have done it with joy many times in the past. These are feelings and I want to let them go. I want to release the anxiety I feel about nearly every part of my life tonight. It has to pass. I don't understand it, I don't want to understand it. I just want it to go away.

I want my sense of humor back, too!!

De-stressing, I hope

2010-06-13T09:10:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am starting the Body for Life challenge (again). The new renters moved in Friday night so I will no longer be driving back and forth to that property almost daily, cutting grass, etc. and now have time to devote to the rest of my life. There is a minor complication still with exercise. Monday night I dropped a bookshelf on my foot. I was dragging it back up the driveway of the rental property because the trash men did not take it. I have swelling and a nasty scrape but it does not hurt to walk. The swelling concerns me and the scrape is on the top of my foot near my ankle so it pulls and hurts when I move my foot.

Today I am resting and keeping ice on it. I really was looking forward to a big increase in exercise involving walking distances and biking. I can still do things but will have to adjust some activity to the hurt foot by trying not to put weight on it so much until the swelling goes away. It is a little disappointing but I can still do many exercises that don't involve being on my feet. Like swimming.

I am very tired today. Yesterday hired handy man and I assembled a shed for the rental property. We were in the heat for a few hours. It was not good weather to be outside, and yes I was standing on that swollen foot most of the time. I went home after finishing and rested, drinking water. Today I will just have to take it easy. Swimming sounds good. That could be the answer to the whole foot, back, de-stressing situation. Right now I don't even feel like grocery shopping.

I thought I would be elated once the renters moved in but I notice today I am just looking around at the neglected projects over here and feeling a little overwhelmed. I am glad I can get to them now. And I am very happy about the renters. They are excited and grateful for the house. She told me yesterday that she would like her kids to grow up there. Maybe they will stay a few years, that is my hope. I think I just need a day to rest and re-adjust. That project consumed so much of my thoughts, acts, time, and even emotions. I am behind here at home but I can enjoy taking care of my little backyard again and making our home space nicer. It just seems a little daunting at this particular moment as I lie here with ice on my foot.

We have a memorial service for my father next Saturday and I have to pick up my brother at the airport late Wednesday night. I am so protective of my sleep nowadays I almost refused to do it. I will take him back to the airport the next morning early to catch the bus. I cannot take any time off of work because I have no paid time off yet, I used it all up so far this year. For some reason I do not look forward to a family gathering. We had one service for my father already. This one is the result of my brother not coming when my father died and my sister not wanting to take her kids out of school at the time of his death. I think I am still holding resentment about both of them or something. Anyway it will sort out eventually. It is mostly my brother. I was shocked he did not come out when my father died and that he expected the funeral to be put off until he could make it. I was shocked at how he made the flight reservations and just expected I would be able to do whatever he needed. I normally can adapt but my life is different right now. Oh well. No use getting my emotions up over that one. It will pass. I may just be extra sensitive right now.

I have had a slight headache since being outside yesterday. I may actually nap and really take it easy today. Grocery shopping is necessary but it can wait another few hours. Maybe the foot swelling will go down and I will feel more energetic. Who knows I could be out in the back cutting weeds this evening or swimming at the gym.....

More will be revealed!

MIA report

2010-06-06T12:06:00.000-07:00

OK, I got a little diverted because I had to make rest a priority for the past two weeks. It is doing wonders. I hurt myself pretty bad in my week one when I fell run/walking the dog. It was worse than I thought, when I worked out it made it worse. I must have sprained/pulled muscles when I broke my fall. Anyway, I did not gain back weight or anything like that. I have been pretty good about food. I should be able to start next week. I want to be careful.

It was not just physical rest I needed. I have been exhausted mentally for some time. now. So for the past two weeks each night when I am finished with the mandatory things to do (which are extra right now due to rental house) I go to bed and read. The reading relaxes me and I am able to fall asleep. This has worked to help my depression, anxiety and the healing of my physical ailments. I was in pretty bad shape mentally and did not even realize how bad until I began resting. I still have regular physical exercise and my grass cutting at the property.

So, body for life is not over, just delayed. The rental property is coming to a conclusion. I found renters the week before last. A married couple with three daughters. They are very excited about the house and the wife is excited about growing flowers! It was an answer to an increasingly desperate prayer. There has been work to do. The county inspects houses for occupancy and I had to get that inspection and now have a to do list. Just hired a guy this morning. They are going to move in next weekend and then no more trips to the property every other day, etc. Once this huge effort is finished I can get back to my own life and get in a routine for workouts, etc.

Until then I am using my spare time for rest. It has been hard to do actually because I feel like I should be working out but I have made a commitment to let the body get better. I have come to enjoy my evening ready very much. I am reading some of the books from my father's house. I got into a long one - Atlas Shrugged - and have been reading it the past week.

Interestingly, this morning the handy man who is someone I used to run into once in a while asked me if I'd lost weight..I think the last time I saw him was within the last year. I love it when that happens. I said I did not know, I guess it depends on where you look! Not sure where he was looking but he was standing behind me while I unlocked the door. Maybe all the grass cutting and yard work is trimming something. I did feel more lean this morning when I woke up and my weight was down a pound.

So, rest, rest and more rest. It does the body good!

Day 7 - Mustard Seed

2010-05-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

Friday evening I went to show the rental property to a halfway decent prospect. I arrived shortly before her and went to the back to admire my backyard, freshly cut by me a few days earlier. When I looked I was shocked to see that the adjacent property owner had torn down their privacy fence exposing waist high weeds that once must have been grass. The tall posts were still standing or perhaps leaning and it was ugly, very very ugly. Shockingly ugly to a yard lover like myself. Plus, my shiny new 20 foot extension ladder that I only climbed once to clean the gutters was gone. I had tucked it between the shed and the disappearing fence, too tempting I suppose for whoever took down the fence.

This spawned a flurry of activity. I had to go next door to the non-grass cutting tenant for information. She said her slumlord is out of compliance (and so is she by my standards - I always have to pick up trash when I mow the side of the yard in front that touches hers) and the fence work was ordered by the county. To make a long story short, I showed my house apologizing for the fence mishap and stating that one way or another there would be fence there again. It is only one side, but wow what a difference. The woman liked the house and even yesterday told me the fence situation really did not bother her (it bothers me more) and she is interested.

I got to hang out with a nice policeman after she left and I also talked to the not really nice, in fact rather snotty and defensive property owner who "has no timeline" for putting a fence back up. So I talked to my buddy Joe, my son and others. I will go see the powers that rule on property preservation on Monday and request my inspection and inquire what to do regarding the fence. The nice policeman said he would report the uncut yard, etc. to them. It was overwhelming but I got through it. I did not eat off plan even though I missed my regular dinner and my workout, I did not eat off plan. I made do. I went home and got my dog, a bean bag, some pillows, comforters, DVDs and laptop and spent the night in my house, feeling very territorial.

My buddy Joe came yesterday and power washed the whole house and it looks absolutely sparking. I gave him a little money not nearly what I'd pay someone else which he reluctantly accepted. He told me to return my power washer to offset the ladder loss and that he has plenty of ladders. I worked all afternoon removing an invasive vine from the fence on the opposite side of the yard. THAT was a workout, I'd say upper and lower body, squats, and all kinds of things. I drank water non stop in the hot sun and I ate on plan but mostly yogurt, a lower calorie nutrition bar (I now only buy one at time in an emergency) raw broccoli, protein shake and such. I was sore and tired but satisfied. I love my house and the more time I spend there the more I want to move back when the kids graduate high school.

So I did not expect weight loss this week, more than that I wanted to stick the the foods that work and not go back to the whites and sweets that move my weight up. I wanted to workout and follow a program. And I did even in the face of adversity. I reluctantly got on the scale this morning and I was four pounds down! It was a real treat. I fluctuated during the week but this is lower than I have weighed since before my Dad died April first. So here goes the mustard seed.

I have just enough hope to keep going. Joe helping me yesterday made more of a difference than clean siding. It is not often that I have people helping me. Maybe I don't ask enough or persist. I isolate and feel alone. So Joe was a mustard seed of hope that I will get the jobs done at the house. I have hope that I can follow direction in my nutrition and fitness and get results. I have hope that I can do it even when I have big deals pop up unexpectedly. I have lots of hope.

Today is free day but I don't want to get all crazy. For me it means rest if possible. I am going to the house but bringing my son for muscle. I will do lighter yard work and some inside cleaning.
Free day for food does not mean sweets, whites, and stuff. That would be sabotage. It means maybe a bowl of fresh popped popcorn or something. I have to stick to certain foods or else I get all sidetracked. The good thing about free day for me is during the week when I am tempted I tell myself I will have something on free day. It delays giving in and gives me time to think it over.

More will be revealed!

day 4

2010-05-21T04:42:00.000-07:00

I did my cardio but had an extra nutrition bar. the bars have to go, giving them to grandson. They are tempting me like candy

sore

2010-05-19T19:09:00.000-07:00

Day three is finished. Even if I wanted to go downstairs and eat I am too sore. Sore maybe from that fall yesterday. Did a lower body workout at the gym. All finished eating for the day. Need to maybe cut portions here and there but mostly I measure. No sweets or junk all good healthy lean stuff. Getting adjusted and happy to be over the day three hump. Something about three days is usually how long it takes for it to get easier, but I have not found this particularly hard. Except for being sore. Ouch.

Day Two

2010-05-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

Day two is finishing up nicely. I enjoyed my favorite salad at the cafe for lunch, but had it in a half size. I never get dressing on it so I just reduced the size to fit it into my plan. I had tea instead of decaf coffee because I don't have to add any cream or milk to tea. Lots of water all day long. Had a good morning workout and another run/walk with dog. I tripped on my pants leg (must dress appropriately) and fell on concrete. I take falls well but my hand got skinned up a bit and I am really sore. These evening I cut grass at the rental for about 45 minutes. I go fast and my mower is not self propelled so that's workout! I always feel good afterward. So I feel good about today and I feel like this is not really new, but getting back to how I have lived in the past. It feels stable and natural. One thing I like when I eliminate sugared foods is tasting the natural sweetness of foods like cauliflower and other veggies. I am also having berries in my diet almost daily. Hooray for strawberry season!

Day One

2010-05-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

It is almost seven in the evening on day one of my challenge. I stayed within my food parameters and I worked out. I did my workout in the morning so I could enjoy the satisfaction all day long of knowing I did it. I am going to try and do my workout in the morning as much as possible for that reason. It was not hard to eat the happy food because I was well stocked and prepared. I had a frustrated moment in the afternoon about a couple of things but I was not tempted to eat over it. I called a friend after work and talked about it instead. I told myself while still at work that I knew I'd feel better after I called my friend and that made me feel better. It is important to have a support system. I have been talking this friend more lately because she is level headed, also a landlord and also committed to healthy eating and fitness right now. We have those things in common among other things. I am avoiding the negative and seeking the positive.

So day one is a success. I am full, satisfied and going to bed early. A mini goal for this week is not eating after 7 pm.

More will be revealed...

Preparations

2010-05-15T11:38:00.000-07:00

I am preparing to start my 12 week fitness challenge. It feels good to have a goal, but I am breaking it into smaller goals. First goal. Get prepared. I start Monday. I am stocking up on water in various sized containers to have on hand, in the car and at work (the water there is yucky) and my bedside. I also am stocking up on zip lock bags and plastic food containers, and of course the happy foods that make my body and mind feel good. Tomorrow I will cook a supply of lean protein, chop raw veggies and cut and clean lettuce, bake some sweet potatoes. and so on. That way during the week it is all at my disposal. I have canned tuna, chicken, and salmon in those vacuum packs for emergencies at the office and home. I do have nutrition shakes and bars but they are also for emergencies only. They are low carb low sugar high protein but the bars (like Vickie said) are like candy to me and can trigger the desire for MORE. Not always but sometimes.

I read Angry Fat Girlz and I am so glad I did!! Just like Passing for Thin motivated me into my initial weight loss, AFG is motivating me out of mild relapse/complacency/plateau or whatever it is I have been in for a while. I am ready to do something, to go the final distance and see what happens. I love how Francis writes and there is something magical about reading her two books that gives me the inspiration/motivation or whatever it is I need to move forward. I also read Body for Life for Women this week as preparation. I love how it gives information unique for women and our life stages.

One of my mini goals is to follow directions. That is each day's goal, minute by minute just to do the next right thing. Turning it over to the program I have chosen. I am using all the tools in the BFL for Women book. Not picking and choosing. I want to give this 12 weeks my all and see what comes of it. It will be fun and exciting and can only improve me. It gives me something positive to focus on no matter what is going on anywhere else in my life. I have it within my power to reach for the happy (smart) f00d and to pass on the other foods. I have it in my power to move my body with or without a gym, but I do have two gym memberships...

So call it the Drastic (I so fondly recall the days of Helen's Drastic), the Program, the Challenge, the Happy Way, or any other name, but I am doing this and I am excited (I think I said that already). Tomorrow my daughter takes my official before photos and we will measure things. I may get blood work done if I can fit it in. Then Monday is day one. Woo hoo! I have had time to study, ponder and decide to make a commitment.

I am still doing snippets of time. I love my reading time right now very much. Today's snippet with my son was taking him to pick up his first paycheck. What a joy. Still focusing on the miracle aspect of that situation. I am doing housework in snippets. Anything else is just too much for me. Snippets at the rental house - planted two bushes last night. Can't really snippet work - gotta be there all day but can snippetize my projects (new word) into steps of a process in order to break them down for my mind so I don't get overwhelmed.

A man flirted with me at the cafe where I spent a couple mornings. I flirted back. I need the experience. I do not know how.

More will be revealed!

Decisions, Dreams and Goals

2010-05-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

I have been doing an e-class or coaching session on happiness. Today begins week 4. Since I began I have made it a point to do some things towards my dreams, goals, and happiness. Here are a few - I bought the better camera I have been wanting. Even though I have not had much time to devote to photography I have used it for prom and volleyball and a few random artsy shots. I get a free class with it and plan to sign up next week. I also had my daughter upload different types of music on the Ipod I inherited from her. My current favorite is bossa nova. Music makes me happy and gives such flavor to life. I use the Ipod at work and it makes me feel better. I began reading again for enjoyment and relaxation, especially at bedtime. There are others but yesterday I made more major decisions. I set a goal and signed up to do the Body for Life 12 week challenge. When I was 200 or so pounds I bought all the books but did not do it because it was too daunting. I liked that the plan was flexible and reasonable. I don't have to buy products unless I want to, I can work out anywhere, and so on.

So, I have made a decision, I have a goal and it relates to a dream of transformation. The last ten pounds never came off and I have been drifting up and down in the area just above a normal body mass index. I dream of more energy, and fitness. I also dream of inspiring other people. I will not officially start for a week or so but I am reading, preparing, planning, visualizing and so on in advance.

I want to start and finish something. Twelve weeks seems very attainable. It is not a rigid program I like the way it is set up. I am going to share the goal and my participation with people to help me keep going.

So transformation is my dream and goal and I have a plan. Transforming to the healthier me. No longer teetering back and forth on the cusp of high cholesterol and over the BMI. I want to wear shorts and a tank top with confidence. I can do this!!

So, I am getting pumped and psyched and all that jazz.

More will be revealed..

Ah the irony of life

2010-05-11T10:56:00.000-07:00

I snuck off from work for my lunch hour with my mini laptop to get away from it all and a bunch of guys from work show up and sit at a table right next to mine. RATS!!!! I can hear their conversation. This should count as work. Perhaps I can gain some intelligence from it.

Lack of sleep increases appetite. I am at risk. It is second day of giving son a ride. He says he has one now, though. I thought of something on the way to picking him up that really put things in perspective and stopped me in my tracks. For the past 13 years I drove as much as 3.5 hours to see him behind the glass in a prison visiting room. Today I drove 10-15 miles to take him to work after stopping at a gas station for snacks. It is all in the perspective. Attitiude is everything.

So here I sit not wanting to move but really wanting to move. I forgot my book to read. I can't move, it would be to obvious. Yes, I am anti social. But not really, gonna catch up on blogs. One of these guys has crunchy chips and chews incredibly loud. Lack of sleep makes me sound sensitive. He could shake the earth with the chips, how big is the bag for Pete's sake. sorry.

More will be revealed!! See below the meditation I found when sitting quietly after co workers left

Tuesday, May 11, 2010
You are reading from the book Today's Gift
I'm delighted that the future is unsure. That's the way it should be. —William Sloane Coffin

Some of life's richest moments are the most unexpected: the old friend met by chance, or the new one discovered when neither of us were really looking; the toy at the bottom of the toy box, rediscovered and loved anew; the book, the flower, the shaft of light we were in the right place at the right time to notice and embrace.

It is important to dream and plan, to work toward goals, to mark the milestones we pass on life's journey. No less important, though, is to open ourselves to the unexpected joys awaiting us every day.Am I ready, today, to expect the unexpected?

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

My Father's Books

2010-05-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, I don't want to write a negative post but Mother's Day is my least favorite holiday ever. I want to personally abolish it out of my life. Maybe some day I will come to terms with it but today was not that day. I don't even want to write about why.

When I was visiting my mother today I was able to bring home some of my father's books. There are some things that represent my father to me- music, guitars which my brother has already taken, his Gibson amplifier from the sixties which my mom insists on selling at the auction, his land, which my mother is selling as soon as possible, the arrowhead collection that we all contributed to which has mysteriously been ravaged over the years by my sister's kids, and his books. Thankfully no one else is attached to his books. My mom was going to donate whatever doesn't sell. Today my daughter and I went through them. I have his Hemingway collection now, most of the Steinbeck, and many others. My father was a reader. I cannot wait to put them in my library and to read them. Daughter wants to read them, too. But is hard to go to the house right now. Overwhelming on many levels. And I just want to grab stuff and take it home with me. I love artifacts of my childhood. I want to make a shrine.

I do not want to get hung up about stuff but it does get to me when mom firmly announces when I look at something "that's going in the auction" - it hurts. It is like she is making sure I know I can't have it. It hurts and it is hard to explain why. Maybe some day I can explain it. I think she resent we even want things. It is hard to see the property go, and to imagine an auctioneer holding up my father's tools, and all the bits and pieces of his life and my childhood. Hard to imagine strangers taking them home. I know I need to let go. But right now I associate the selling of things and the land and the house as all part of the loss, losing all that is left of him now. I could not even bring myself to take pictures.

There are odds and ends that I just want to rescue. I don't want big pieces of furniture. Just little items. But I can't just take stuff. Soon she will want us to take stuff but it will be for her need to purge and on her own terms. It feels strange. Uncomfortable. Sad. I am taking it too personally, I know.

I lost a couple pounds last week - the water helps so much. I have less of an appetite when I am drinking lots of water. I want so much to be as positive as I once was but it is up and down for me right now. My son got a job and that is a miracle, but the flip side is I am getting up an hour earlier to take him to work... temporary help. I am calling it our quality time together. I need to re frame my life. Positive thoughts, gratitude. When I get too tired it gets harder. Speaking of which I need to sleep now for my five a.m. start time in the a.m. But now that I accepted it I am looking forward to sharing his first day of real employment in over 13 years with him. It really is a break for him. And he got it on his own initiative and effort.

More will be revealed.

Prom Day

2010-05-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

It is my daughter's first prom today. I am waiting to leave for picture time. She is at a friend's house and they are all making dinner for the boys to come and then we get to take pictures. I dropped her off earlier and the mom is doing all their hair. She is a hairdresser by trade. That was a handy development. Hair appointments can be stressful on prom day, not to mention the money. Anyway, I am looking forward to pictures. We went through several dresses to get to this one and now it is the big day. She was very nervous and snitty this morning with a couple of crying jags. I have a hard time with that and have been accused of not being very compassionate. I am more about keeping her focused when she has a crying spell when it is time to get ready for school or there is some sort of looming deadline. We went at it a couple of times and she said we were not having a normal mother daughter relationship and I said snitty teenage girls and grumpy moms was a normal relationship as far as I knew. I don't do normal. I call it chasing normal. I am more about what is natural, what is acceptable, what is realistic etc.

Anyway it has been a busy day. After the prom drop off I had to deliver art to a place called Beatnik's where her art teacher is having a show. It was a large piece and it took a while to find the place. I took some photos of this rather interesting community and I stopped at a coffee shop and had some tea. I needed a break. Breaks are good. My son and I were going to power wash the siding on the rental house today, how silly of me to think such things could occur on prom day! But there is always tomorrow.

There are good things going on. I finally bought my camera to take higher quality photos. I have not had a chance to really check out how to use it but have been shooting on Auto. Only had it a week. I am making it a point to do the things I have wanted to do even if I only get a snippet of time here and there to do them.

I drank boatloads of water this week and took off a couple of the pounds I gained after Dad died. I was feeling miserably bloated and realized I had been forgetting my water. I felt I had gained without eating more than I had eaten in the past without gaining. Water is a biggie with me. I am doing a six week fill up on happiness e-coaching deal with Our Lady of Weight loss. I will write more on that when I have more time.

Water water everywhere... more will be revealed!