Monday, April 27, 2009
Pictures Worth a Thousand Words
I found old photos and had to post a comparison. I remember not liking my photo in shorts last Summer. I needed a reality check. I hope I can look like that this Summer. I am about 6 pounds away.. I need to look at these pictures now and again - it is very motivating...The swimsuit babe at the bottom is me in 2003 at the heavy weight I carried for several more years. The after photo is from last August.
Before and After
The only time I ever got in water without shorts over my suit!! I was having fun on an empty beach with my daughter.
Monday Progress
The scale went back down that same two pounds I've been teetering on. I have a good feeling about this week. I feel a scale breakthrough on the horizon. I am determined to get the winter gain off by the end of May. A realistic goal. I have already proven to myself that my methods work, so long as I practice them!!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Mental Diet
Yesterday's amusement park therapy worked wonders. I got physically active and had fun. It was nice to be with my daughter and her friend and we all had a great time together. She had not seen this friend in a while so it was good for their friendship. I like that the girls talk openly with me about things. One thing they both talked about was how many of the kids they know are now drinking and doing other unmentionable things. They both are swearing those things off for now and are pretty disgusted with it all. They agreed that not having a big social life was better than doing what many of the kids are doing. They talked about how it changed their old friends. I am grateful that they see it the way they do. Good girls day out bonding time!
Anyway, it was all very positive and did me a world of good. This morning I looked on my blog for the past two April postings - I had depression then, too.. and I know I had an episode in 2006 because I remember it was when my friend got married, and for some reason I quit going to the gym and really did not start back up for a long time. I don't have to have that kind of consequence this year. I can do the things that work to get me taking care of my conditions, mental and physical. Like sitting out on my patio, enjoying my flowers and doing my reading and meditations in the morning. I love the backyard. Today was my first morning of the season. There were flowers blooming out there and a calming breeze. It was exquisite.
I wrote out some things in my journal, the things that had been piling up on me emotionally. And one of my readings was about going on a mental diet. This is a week of thought monitoring where you pay attention to your thoughts and if they are negative, you intervene and steer them to the positive. It is not an easy task really, but I plan to try it. It said to take few days before actually starting. I did a mental boot camp in the fall where I focused on positive affirmations all week and it was great. So I can use the same tools when I go on my mental diet. I use the positive statements as replacement thoughts when I catch myself in the negative zones..
Good food for thought. Speaking of food, I still am frustrated by a stuck scale. I have not been tracking very well but I know I am not eating that much. So track I will so I can see what the real deal is. It is not easy to lose weight when getting zero exercise most of the time so the walking yesterday was a good kick start to getting back into regular physical activity. I know that I am on hormone replacement this year and it seems to have some sort of impact on things like water retention but I can't imagine that it would prevent me from losing if I really do eat less, eat right and do some exercising... I am going to track and see what the deal is instead of using it as a reason to give up...that would be the old me. And I am not that person today.
Today's therapy - writing out my grievances and forgiveness, enjoying the garden patio, eating a diet of lean protein and good carbs, exercise of any kind, reading positive and inspiring things..
More will be revealed..
Anyway, it was all very positive and did me a world of good. This morning I looked on my blog for the past two April postings - I had depression then, too.. and I know I had an episode in 2006 because I remember it was when my friend got married, and for some reason I quit going to the gym and really did not start back up for a long time. I don't have to have that kind of consequence this year. I can do the things that work to get me taking care of my conditions, mental and physical. Like sitting out on my patio, enjoying my flowers and doing my reading and meditations in the morning. I love the backyard. Today was my first morning of the season. There were flowers blooming out there and a calming breeze. It was exquisite.
I wrote out some things in my journal, the things that had been piling up on me emotionally. And one of my readings was about going on a mental diet. This is a week of thought monitoring where you pay attention to your thoughts and if they are negative, you intervene and steer them to the positive. It is not an easy task really, but I plan to try it. It said to take few days before actually starting. I did a mental boot camp in the fall where I focused on positive affirmations all week and it was great. So I can use the same tools when I go on my mental diet. I use the positive statements as replacement thoughts when I catch myself in the negative zones..
Good food for thought. Speaking of food, I still am frustrated by a stuck scale. I have not been tracking very well but I know I am not eating that much. So track I will so I can see what the real deal is. It is not easy to lose weight when getting zero exercise most of the time so the walking yesterday was a good kick start to getting back into regular physical activity. I know that I am on hormone replacement this year and it seems to have some sort of impact on things like water retention but I can't imagine that it would prevent me from losing if I really do eat less, eat right and do some exercising... I am going to track and see what the deal is instead of using it as a reason to give up...that would be the old me. And I am not that person today.
Today's therapy - writing out my grievances and forgiveness, enjoying the garden patio, eating a diet of lean protein and good carbs, exercise of any kind, reading positive and inspiring things..
More will be revealed..
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Feelings
This is not an easy post to write. My week took a nasty turn on Monday after finding my brother on a park bench near the riverfront where I walk. He had been sleeping there that day. He had left the shelter in the city where he'd been living. It was far away from where he works and it was an unpleasant place. I talked to him for a bit and then I called the social worker that has been visiting him but not really doing anything to help him (I hate to say it that way but I am a ball of feelings and one is anger). I could tell brother wanted me to take him home and let him stay at my house. I had to go back to work. Social worker was on his way. That was the last time I saw him. He is still out there living as a homeless person.
I have been in the depths of depression since then. I took two days off work, Wednesday and Friday. I watched almost 5 seasons of The Office on my laptop. I have not been overeating but I have not lost any weight. In fact I have been eating less but still have not lost any weight. I feel angry in response to most things. Very angry. That's my main emotion right now. Anger, bitter, stuff like that. At the world, at the social worker, at myself, mostly. I think I should take care of my brother. But then I think I can't possibly do it. The thought of it makes me crazy. I tried it last year. It did not work out then, and nothing has changed. But I am still very very angry. Another feeling I identified is shame. I feel shame. Shame is very negative. This goes all the way back to childhood because brother had problems then, too.
I want to sort things out and talk to someone but I am too angry and cynical. I don't believe anyone helps, anything works, all because brother's life is the way it is. Not my life, my brother's life. I think that's what co-dependency is. When someone else's life and problems impacts me - when I feel like I should be able to fix it, or when I am in the depths of despair over some one's life situation that I cannot change. Co-dependent people use detachment. I guess I don't have that mastered yet. Detaching, letting someone else's life situation be, and not try and manage and control it, and not let it impact me. I guess I feel guilty for detaching. Like I am being insensitive.
I feel ashamed that I am not taking care of my brother. I am a bad sister. Then a bad person. A selfish person. I don't feel like going anywhere. I don't feel like talking to anyone. Pretty soon I will run out of episodes of the The Office and I will have to face reality and take care of my own co-dependency. Maybe some answers will come for my brother. But if they don't I have to make peace with the world and stop looking for someone to blame.
I had to get this out there. I feel like I am isolating and getting worse. I know I will get better but it has been bleak in my heart this week. Writing about my feelings helps me, in fact just writing this post gives me a feeling of relief. It's a huge burden to carry this stuff around with me.
Update - today's treatment for depression - a trip to the amusement park with daughter and a friend - walking will give me exercise finally, and the rides will give my brain a boost. I'll let you know how it works out.
I have been in the depths of depression since then. I took two days off work, Wednesday and Friday. I watched almost 5 seasons of The Office on my laptop. I have not been overeating but I have not lost any weight. In fact I have been eating less but still have not lost any weight. I feel angry in response to most things. Very angry. That's my main emotion right now. Anger, bitter, stuff like that. At the world, at the social worker, at myself, mostly. I think I should take care of my brother. But then I think I can't possibly do it. The thought of it makes me crazy. I tried it last year. It did not work out then, and nothing has changed. But I am still very very angry. Another feeling I identified is shame. I feel shame. Shame is very negative. This goes all the way back to childhood because brother had problems then, too.
I want to sort things out and talk to someone but I am too angry and cynical. I don't believe anyone helps, anything works, all because brother's life is the way it is. Not my life, my brother's life. I think that's what co-dependency is. When someone else's life and problems impacts me - when I feel like I should be able to fix it, or when I am in the depths of despair over some one's life situation that I cannot change. Co-dependent people use detachment. I guess I don't have that mastered yet. Detaching, letting someone else's life situation be, and not try and manage and control it, and not let it impact me. I guess I feel guilty for detaching. Like I am being insensitive.
I feel ashamed that I am not taking care of my brother. I am a bad sister. Then a bad person. A selfish person. I don't feel like going anywhere. I don't feel like talking to anyone. Pretty soon I will run out of episodes of the The Office and I will have to face reality and take care of my own co-dependency. Maybe some answers will come for my brother. But if they don't I have to make peace with the world and stop looking for someone to blame.
I had to get this out there. I feel like I am isolating and getting worse. I know I will get better but it has been bleak in my heart this week. Writing about my feelings helps me, in fact just writing this post gives me a feeling of relief. It's a huge burden to carry this stuff around with me.
Update - today's treatment for depression - a trip to the amusement park with daughter and a friend - walking will give me exercise finally, and the rides will give my brain a boost. I'll let you know how it works out.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Defying Odds a/k/a Dare to Dream
I am having a stay at home weekend dedicated to rest, reading and tackling my room a corner at a time. I have been going through a box of paperwork that started when I moved here. Instead of cleaning it out, I have added to it for the past two years. Now I am sorting it all out. I love going through stuff because it is a reminder of things that have happened. Good reminders of how far I have come. I like to think of myself as someone who defies the odds. My doctor even mentioned it at my last visit in February. He said I had done something that few people do when I lost the weight. I am now determined to do something else that defies the odds - keep it off!
This is not my first odd defying life experience. At a treatment center many years ago I was told that only a few people, maybe one percent, out of my "class" would actually achieve freedom from addiction or continuous sobriety, whatever you want to call it. I have managed to be one of those people. I have also managed to maintain a stable single parent home and provide a comfortable living for my daughter and grandson. I don't even think of myself as a single parent because it has been that way forever. But there are stereotypes, I don't listen.
When I was in college I had an instructor from Nigeria. I remember something he told us about Nigerian culture. He said that when parents wanted to build up their child's esteem, they would go back through the ancestry and tell the child all the great things or strengths of their ancestors. I do this sometimes with my kids but I also have a practice similar to that but of a personal nature. I go through my life and remind myself of the accomplishments I have made, the barriers I have broken, the odds I have defied.
The odd defying experience I was reminded of just now going through the box was when we moved here two years ago. I remember meeting with two real estate agents about my house, recently bought and over financed. They told me there was no way I'd sell it so I said I would lease it. They said there was no way I'd lease it for enough money to pay the mortgage. Not in "that neighborhood" anyway. I showed my house to one person. She loved it and she has been there ever since, paying my mortgage every month. They said it couldn't be done. I am glad I didn't listen. I just pressed on and left the rest to a power greater than me, call it God, call it the universe, call it destiny.
I want to defy the odds with my weight loss. I want to defy the odds keeping it off. I want to go on defying odds. I want to find true love/soul mate stuff at age 50. I want to write. I want to change careers and find something I love that pays enough to support my family. I want to see my sons get out of prison and live happy safe lives. I know they can because they carry my odd-defying genetics. I want to dream big. Whatever it is.
Maybe I can write a book on odd-defying life experiences. I want to inspire people to think positive and keep on trying no matter what. Because the one thing I have learned that keeps me going is to never give up.
So I want to ponder big dreams. I don't know what they are. But I am looking forward to it.
Right now I better get back to that box. . .
PS - I am also reading the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It's about character, so far.
More will be revealed.
This is not my first odd defying life experience. At a treatment center many years ago I was told that only a few people, maybe one percent, out of my "class" would actually achieve freedom from addiction or continuous sobriety, whatever you want to call it. I have managed to be one of those people. I have also managed to maintain a stable single parent home and provide a comfortable living for my daughter and grandson. I don't even think of myself as a single parent because it has been that way forever. But there are stereotypes, I don't listen.
When I was in college I had an instructor from Nigeria. I remember something he told us about Nigerian culture. He said that when parents wanted to build up their child's esteem, they would go back through the ancestry and tell the child all the great things or strengths of their ancestors. I do this sometimes with my kids but I also have a practice similar to that but of a personal nature. I go through my life and remind myself of the accomplishments I have made, the barriers I have broken, the odds I have defied.
The odd defying experience I was reminded of just now going through the box was when we moved here two years ago. I remember meeting with two real estate agents about my house, recently bought and over financed. They told me there was no way I'd sell it so I said I would lease it. They said there was no way I'd lease it for enough money to pay the mortgage. Not in "that neighborhood" anyway. I showed my house to one person. She loved it and she has been there ever since, paying my mortgage every month. They said it couldn't be done. I am glad I didn't listen. I just pressed on and left the rest to a power greater than me, call it God, call it the universe, call it destiny.
I want to defy the odds with my weight loss. I want to defy the odds keeping it off. I want to go on defying odds. I want to find true love/soul mate stuff at age 50. I want to write. I want to change careers and find something I love that pays enough to support my family. I want to see my sons get out of prison and live happy safe lives. I know they can because they carry my odd-defying genetics. I want to dream big. Whatever it is.
Maybe I can write a book on odd-defying life experiences. I want to inspire people to think positive and keep on trying no matter what. Because the one thing I have learned that keeps me going is to never give up.
So I want to ponder big dreams. I don't know what they are. But I am looking forward to it.
Right now I better get back to that box. . .
PS - I am also reading the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It's about character, so far.
More will be revealed.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Happy thoughts
Easter was wonderful. The kids appreciated the baskets, the egg coloring, hunting and the dinner. My daughter was really happy I was in the holiday spirit. She said she had thought I was not going to do anything because I had not mentioned it. Her friend came - and she had never gotten an Easter basket. Her father is atheist and mother is Buddhist so they don't really do Easter. She really enjoyed the festivities. It was nice to have the kids enjoying kid things at their older ages. I was good with the food. I really enjoyed the holiday especially because the kids enjoyed it so much. I did my morning exercise routine today and packed my lunch. I am feeling grounded and stable again. I am also feeling very grateful for the life I have.
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