Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Tired Little Post

I just wanted to post a little bit to say thanks for the kind words. We had a burial ceremony Friday to honor my father. We are still going to have a memorial service but have to wait until June to accommodate some family members. His grave is at the Jefferson Barracks National Cometary for veterans. We had a service with military honors. His old work buddies came and afterwards we went to lunch and they told stories about him and held him in high esteem. It was just right. It was good for my mother and it was good for everyone who was there. I felt much peace afterward. I was able to go do some work at the rental property the next day. I was able to go back to work yesterday and not feel like my head was going to explode. The week in between his death and the service on Friday was very hard. I felt exhausted even when I slept for long hours. But this week is better. I have some peace. I have a little book of pictures that I carry in my purse. They are all pre-Alzheimer's photos. Some from when I was a child. Those help me focus on other memories. Today I ran across a picture saved in my phone that I took on father's day 2008. It was right when he started wearing a beard because shaving had become impossible and my mom started taking him to the barber. He looked good, still had a twinkle in his eye and looked like he knew me. It made me real sad because it made me think of all the years of slipping away. I know I can't avoid those memories completely but I am trying to balance them with other memories. I still struggle with regrets and such but at least this week I feel like I can get through the day and even feel happy sometimes. I have been taking the dog walking every day. It helps. I really feel fat right now but I am no bigger than I was when we went to Chicago. I am at my upper limit though so I have started to track food. I am tired and do not want to ramble. Just wanted to say I am still here and hopeful of better times to come.


Vickie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bea said...

Cindy sweet, I am also glad you took the time to post.

Grief is heavy enough without guilt. No guilt. If the burden of unsaid and undone things is weighing you down write him a letter and then read it to him. A favorite photo works as a focus point. Words are one of your gifts and giving them as a gift to your Dad is appropriate.

I am praying for you. Love Lynn

Helen said...

Thanks for posting with the update. Grief is tricky, but it sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected. The service after someone dies is, I think, so important...it gives those left behind so much. I'm glad you had it.