Monday, November 29, 2010

Back to the New Normal

I had a very relaxing long weekend. I increased my walking to twice a day now. I also found a new hiking spot on Saturday. It is on the way home from where I take my daughter to work on
Saturday mornings. My Thanksgiving dinner turned out good, but the last half hour is pretty intense with all the things that have to happen at basically the same time. My Mom made the pies the day before but I kept her out of the kitchen on Thursday. Everyone cleared out not too long after dinner except for my Mom, me and my brother which was nice because we watched very old family movies from the late sixties, early seventies and also listed to some audio recordings from when we were kids. I just relaxed and drank tea in my recliner and got up once in a while to re-load the dishwasher. I watched movies most of the weekend when I was not walking or running little errand or two. It was very low key. I liked it that way.

But now I am back to regular eating on my plan. I had deviations every day over the weekend but I suppose it could have been much worse. I decided to weigh in a couple of days from now to see if I have balanced out. Work is very busy and today my back/neck started hurting so I need to watch out and do my yoga and stretches, and make sure I am not sitting too long in certain positions in front of the computer. Also need to focus on getting plenty of sleep.

That's all for today.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Long Days

Yesterday I worked until 7 and grocery shopped yet again. I forgot to start thawing the turkey so I decided to get another one - that isn't frozen. I bought more stuff. When I got home the internet was not working and I could not post. It rained and I did not get to dogwalk. Today I had to go straight to court after work. Last January a woman hit my car as I was driving through a parking lot. She left the scene and was prosecuted for it. She had no insurance and told me so before she left the accident scene. I posted about it at the end of last January. When the police caught up with her she produced fake insurance information and I never got paid my deductible and out of pockets for the rental. I forgot the whole thing, it was just one more unpleasant event in the midst of a whole slew of big deals last winter. Then out of the blue I got a subpoena to appear as a witness for her trial for leaving the scene of an accident.

I did not want to go. I dreaded it really. I did not want to remember that incident, face that person, and testify. I did not want to go back to that area where it happened, either. But I went mostly because I had to go. I sat and sat and waited and a prosecutor called me back and he read the police reports for the first time and asked me questions. I brought my bills for my damages and insurance. He said he was going to try for a guilty plea and make her pay restitution. But we agreed there was little chance of me seeing any money. So after I sat down he called her back and they were back there for a long time. Then he came out and said she was going to plead guilty. After he went through the whole plea deal to the judge and went over a summary of the case and the evidence, the judge asked her to plea and she started crying loudly and said she did not understand it and that I hit her and she did not understand what was going on. So the judge asked her if she wanted a trial and she said yes. So we had to wait some more and then me and the cop had to testify. She chose not to cross examine me (interesting) but she cross examined the cop who testified that he tracked her down to her house and took a statement from her. She told him that he told her that I was acting goofy like maybe I had been drinking or something (then prosecutor objects for leading witness) but the cop denied that he said anything like that to her and denied that I seemed goofy. That was bizarre and strange to me and I did not like her doing that. Then I had to testify again, and so on. She somehow evolved a defense that I hit her and that she left the scene to "cut me a break" or something like that. The court did not buy it and found her guilty and ordered fines and restitution. I did not like the experience at all.

She lied about what I said, she tried to imply I was under the influence or drunk and she did a lot of sobbing as if she was the victim. I guess that's what people do but it made me feel uneasy. It made me feel guilty like I did something wrong but all I did was call the police to the scene of an accident so I could have a report to turn into my insurance because the driver said they had no insurance. She left and that started the ball rolling on her case. I did not like seeing her get a fat fine and restitution, but it's a result of her own actions. If she thought it was my fault, she should have stayed and got my insurance information, and helped make the police report.

I was there for three hours at least. I just wanted to go home. And I did but I made sure I got out of there while she was still at the clerk's window trying to get her license back because I did not want any parking lot confrontations. She may have been crying in court (loud with high drama) but I am not sure what she would be like on the parking lot out of view of the judge, prosecutor and cops.

Anyway, the ick of it all should wear off. I just don't like being blamed when I am the victim.

I don't like being the "victim" either. I just want to be me.

My Mom is here and she apparently is not into the cooking of Thanksgiving dinner. I am cooking, but thought we'd kinda do it together, but I feel her negativity about it already. I want to just do it and try and make it happy no matter what she says. I was talking about making the pies (pumpkin using frozen crust - thought it would be easy) and she said "I dont want to think about the dinner" so maybe she was just tired.

I can do the whole thing without her help but I thought since she is here and I am working all day tomorrow she could throw a couple pumpkin pies in the oven but she seemed to doubt I had what she would need to make them, utensils, enough ingredients, and so forth and said she did not like cooking in other people's kitchens. Ok. I felt a little unhappy about all that.

I think I need sleep. More will be revealed. After the conversation with Mom I went out yet again and bought more stuff just to be sure she would have WAY more stuff than we needed. I also bought a frozen pie. Just in case..hee hee. It is really late.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Kinda Lazy, Kinda Sad

I was two pounds down this morning from last Sunday. I cannot say I have been perfect with food this weekend but better. I took an hour walk yesterday. I have been really tired with that feeling of almost being sick. Today daughter had an opening for an art exhibit where one of her drawings was on display. She was disappointed that she did not win anything but her artwork was very good. It was an exhibit with high schools from all over the state and one of her friends took the first place in drawing.

I have to admit I have been feeling depressed a little the past few days. I feel lonely often but I don't feel like getting out and socializing either so I am sort of stuck in that spot. When grocery shopping the other night I saw chocolate covered cherries on display - every year without fail we brought those to my Dad on Christmas. Since childhood no Christmas went without Dad getting chocolate covered cherries. I even found a chocolate covered cherry coffee last year. This is the first holiday season without him. I find it hard to talk about my feelings.

So what to do? I don't know. I want sleep and withdraw and hide out but the hiding out really does not make me feel better, it brings on loneliness. But when I think of going out around people, sometimes a little panic sets in.

Anyway, that's what is going on with me.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Quick Check in to stay an track

Tonight I snacked on a big bowl of steamed broccoli. I am still full. I also feel like I am coming down with a cold but I want to ignore it. Must catch up on exercise this weekend since I got sluggish this week. The weather will be nice for hiking. Just checking in. Very sleepy.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


No, not nuts like crazy nuts, thankfully. Walnuts. Too many. After dinner. But not to worry, the rest of the day was perfect. So I will move on. I get the nuts thinking I will have a few because they are good for me, and so on. But I NEVER have been able to stop at a few. Something about me and nuts. Must be the fat or something. Anyway I was a pound down this morning. I weigh every day to keep myself honest. Otherwise I can "pretend" I am losing, or that I really don't need to lose, etc.

I am not feeling like exercising, feel very tired, and a little like I am fighting a cold or maybe it is the drop in food intake. I will get as much sleep as I can tonight and see how I feel tomorrow. I want to eat less AND exercise, not just one or the other. It takes two.

More will be revealed.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Magic of 3

There is something about getting through the first three days of a change in eating. If I can get those first three under my belt I get the momentum going. I don't feel like I am making a drastic change in what I eat, more about how much I eat, especially in the evening. Ok, wait, the "what" did have to change by cutting out sweets and junk but it does not feel like a big deal. It feels normal, like home. I would like fast results and I know I could get some by cutting carbs way down but I decided to avoid extremes and go with something I can live with in the long term. I may get creative as time goes on, but right now I am just happy to stick within my daily food budget.
It is raining tonight, so I will opt for indoor exercise unless it stops long enough for a walk. I like walking in the cold, crisp night air. I feel a little blah this evening, but I am making sure to do my nightly check in.

Things are going well at home these days. Both kids had fantastic grades. Daughter has been working a part time job at the mall at a pretzel place. I can probably attribute some of this stubborn gain to the nights she was bringing us treats, pretzel dogs, bites, etc. But that's coming to an end because she decided to take a receptionist job at a car dealer working Saturdays only. I like that idea because she will not work school nights, or any nights - and just in time for winter weather. Plus no more fattening food. She stopped bringing things home a while back anyway because neither one of us wanted the calories. Even the dog started turning up his nose.

That's my report. I feel like I am on the right path for now. Time to do some exercises!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

No excuses today, either

I am tired, but keeping to my comittment to report everyday. Today I stuck within my boundaries for food. Exercise was less than planned but I still managed a mall walk. I worked late so it has been a long day. I am happy to go to bed knowing that I did not overeat today. I got an apple at the vending machine when I knew I was going to be staying past dinner time. Apples fill me up and keep me satisfied for a while in a pinch. I want to get a very good night's sleep tonight so I can get up and exercise in the morning.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Today Worked

I stayed in my food budget today and I walked tonight. It is almost eight and I feel satisfied. I did a few push-ups this morning. It was not easy and I did not get as low as I could two years ago. Last night I was looking at my exercise blog and felt sad when I read how many push-ups I was doing a day, among other things. I have been reading old posts and going back to when I reached my goal. Okay, I am only about 15 pounds heavier than back then and I can get back there. I did not stay at my normal body mass index very long, only for a few months but I stayed close to it, and then teetered up and down. Now I am solidly overboard with only teetering up and no teetering down and I want to overcome the feeling of being so far away. It's not that far. Not nearly as far away as I was in 2005. I want that excited - anything can happen - feeling back.

So I have been reading blogs. Blogs give me hope and keep me motivated. I don't feel alone anymore. There are so many great blogs with so many different strategies, ideas, recipes and so on. I could browse blogs all night long. It keeps me busy and it motivates me.

I also wrote a list of my "excuses" that I have been using to not get serious again. Then I wrote a counter to each one. It was a good exercise. I wrote the truth about each excuse. The truth is that I want to get back down to that normal BMI and back to that level of fitness. I want to get a little lower than that this time and then stay there. The truth is that I can do it. The truth is that it is not that hard. The truth is that I did it before.

So, no more excuses. I have a goal, I have a plan, I have my mother coming next week (yikes) and the holidays ahead but there is NOTHING that HAS to stand in my way. In fact, I can turn it all to the good. I can be that much happier on Thanksgiving if I don't go into that day (and it is only ONE DAY) feeling already bloated and defeated. I can wake up that day feeling lean on the inside from having some sane eating under my belt. I can wake up that morning with that excited - anything can happen - feeling. I can take a long morning hike with the dog and have healthy indulgences that don't leave me with remorse. And so on...

More will be revealed.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Joys of Hiking and Having a Plan

I was only going to hike an hour today but I ended up hiking two hours and 5.5 miles because it was such a beautiful day for hiking and it felt so good. This hike has some high climbing which makes for a very good workout, plus some scenic spots to take a short rest. The weather was warmer than I expected. I am looking forward to the colder days. I love warm, cozy clothes and fires in the fireplace! I have decided to limit food intake to 12-1500 calories a day this next week, high on the lean protein and as low as possible on the sugar and no junk. My life is feeling much more balanced and I can pay more attention to food choices and simplify my meals. I can use a zero tolerance attitude again and reap the benefits of doing so. I have gotten into the habit of giving in easily and putting off "getting serious" and the result is a fluctuation without ever getting back down and staying in the range where I feel best. If I want to do that I need to make it a priority, be true to myself and just DO IT. I know how. My body feels so good after a nice long strenuous hike. And I feel so good mentally and emotionally when I stick to a higher protein, low to no sugar food program packed with natural whole foods. I feel calm, confident, stable and hopeful. So this week I am committed to blogging every day before bed to stay accountable and celebrate my success! That's the Plan.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Quick Post

I have had trouble with my wireless signal so I have not been on the internet. The picture that I posted last week was from a scenic drive I took with my Mom last weekend. This weekend I went back to that same area and hiked in the bluffs overlooking the river. Have had some great walks and hikes with the dog in the fall weather.