Monday, December 29, 2008

Party's Over Day One

Today my food was great. Exercise was non-existent but I am happy just to have a carb down day to start the reversal of the past month willy-nilliness. I worked from home for the first few hours of the day because I overslept. I finished off the day at the office and was productive. I feel a slight downward spiral in the mood so I am going to supplement with comedy and tomorrow I will go to the gym for sure. Cardio will uplift my mood with it's positive brain chemical stuff. I was cheerful at work and made dinner for the kids. Now I am cozy in bed ready to end the day early. I think I am going to get on netflix and watch a funny movie in bed on my laptop. Or there is always my funny news shows on the TV. Anything to uplift my spirits.

Not ready to step on the scale yet but I think I will do it on Wednesday. I think I might re-program that Mary Lou scale that does not tell you the number, but keeps track of what you lose or gain over/under your mystery starting weight. I need a mystery right now.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

OK Party's Over

No freaking out over the scale. I enjoyed my holiday treats and now it's time to get back to basics. Like keeping track of food, cutting out the simple carbs, sweets and so on. And back to the the gym, (I did that yesterday) and the file room workouts and so on. My new Normal. The Normal I got away from when I was sick, and the Normal I miss now after a month without it. No freaking out about tight clothes. No giving up, no self loathing. Just back to basics and accepting the here and now at the same time. No one seems to notice my gain but me. No one else is obsessed with my body. So I can relax and get back to calm peaceful routine of eating sanely and normally. I want to do some low carb for a few days to detox, but don't want to go to extremes. So tomorrow is back to the office and back to the basics! Updates to follow.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

I have always loved the holidays. This year being sick put me way behind on the prep work, plus it robbed me of my usual days off. I also had low energy leading up to the holidays, was behind on housework and could not get in the "spirit" - I felt very moody, angry, sad, and the like. And guilty for feeling like that. Well I had my own little scrooge moment on the morning of Christmas eve. I woke up and was immediately pissed when I saw that the kids stayed up playing monopoly and did not clean up like they said they wood. Ordinarily I'd be real happy they played games together but I was foul. I left in search of Christmas spirit.

I went to the riverfront. It is cobblestone streets and old buildings - looking straight out of Dickens Christmas Carol. They have people there dressed in costume and in full character roaming the streets. Jack Frost, a bunch of Santa's from around the world, the sugar plum fairy and a group of Victorian carolers, and a chestnut roaster. I bought a cigar and went in a pub. I had coffee and shrimp. As I enjoyed my smoke ( a very rare event) I read the Wall Street Journal. The headline article was about a man found dead from suicide in his New York office. An investment guy who worked for a company that apparently fraudulently bilked people and charities out of tons of money. The story got me. It changed me. So did the mood of the streets with the Christmas people. I asked the waiter for a phone, he let me use his. He had a picture of a baby on the screen. I asked if it was his. He said yes. This young man had three kids and was working Christmas eve I am sure to make enough money for the family. I enjoyed my leisure. I left a tip that was twice as much as the bill. I wanted to give him a gift.

My heart changed entirely. I came home and roused the children to go to this magical place with me. Daughter was reluctant. Grandson was game and even put on antlers for the occasion. We went out in the cold streets and were greeted by the characters. The sugar plum fairy kissed daughter. We told stories, rode in a horse drawn carriage, ate fresh roasted chestnuts as we stood by the fire (while they roasted). ///All of us agreed that we were uplifted by the whole thing.

What a beautiful thing. I love that heart changing magical place. We all agreed to go next year and get there earlier. The rest of the day was great, me cooking dinner, our drive to look at lights. I had a man over and he did the driving this year - too nice - especially if you all know the story of last year's man who did not drive. We had a wonderful Christmas eve.
I am grateful for the joy I can share. There is always joy.

PS I dyed my hair and we can talk about food another day....

Happy Holidays. I love you all!!!!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Sick of being Sick

My daughter is well but I have been dragged down with the sickness for a couple of weeks now. It is like a biochemical attack. It makes you feel like you are getting well and them it whams you with the second session, the sinus attack. But I keep reminding myself that daughter got well and so will I. As for weight I am just happy to maintain my 50 pound loss through the sickness, the lack of work outs, and so on. I don't know when I have gone this long without blogging, though and I can't stand it any longer. Just wanted to get on for a quick post so I can feel connected.

I am not out of control with food, but I am not following any kind of program. I am trained to avoid certain foods but when I am sick, sometimes I gravitate to soothing foods. Overall, my appetite is not that big right now. I am just trying to get through the sickness, ignoring pile ups of house work, being there for the kids who both have make up work out the wazoo from being absent when they were sick. We are taking care of the major stuff, and letting other things go right now.

We had an incident right after Thanksgiving involving Grandson. I woke up in the middle of the night and found him gone. It was the Sunday night after Thanksgiving. It was almost 3 a.m. and he was nowhere to be found. My daughter found a note he had written on his notepad on the computer screen. It was a very well written thoughtful note telling us that he needed to deal with the loss he suffered when his other Grandmother died. He said he was going for a walk, and that he might walk to their old house (some 20 -30 miles away!!). It was cold, the middle of the night and I was freaked out. From what we could tell he had left around midnight so he'd already been gone almost 3 hours.

My instincts told me to get in the car and take the route he had map quested before he left. But I had called 911 and they were pressing me to stay. I fought my instincts for an hour while a slow to arrive but nice police officer picked through my grandson's belongings finding nothing indicating any foul play. He finally, after reading the note, agreed that it was clear what my grandson was doing, but still told me I should stay home. After he left, when we were getting ready to go, he called me crying from a gas station. He had walked two highways, crossed a major bridge over a very deep and wide river, and gone a long way.

He thought I would be mad. I was only scared. Scared I'd never see him again. Scared something awful could happen to him or he could make a snap decision in the throws of grieving depression. But he was safe, cold and sad, but safe. We picked him up and took him to the old house. We sat outside in the car for as long as he wanted. We went to a drive through and got warm breakfast food. Everyone ate, and then we went home and everyone slept. We did not worry about school, or work or anything. All that mattered was that everyone was safe. I told him if he ever wanted to leave in the night to wake me up. I would gladly get up and take him for a drive. I told him what mattered to me was that he was safe. And that he could find ways to deal with grief that would be safe.

Anyway, I had after shocks from that. It's been a long couple of weeks with being sick and trying to work and so on. Our company is restructuring and jobs are being shifted, lost, and so on. Nothing is certain. But I am content to go home to my warm safe place with the kids safe and warm and fed each night and just be there with them and for them. Making sure they know that we will get through anything that happens. And that they are the most important priority in my life.

Anyway this is a long post for a short up date. I am full of untold stories. Maybe this weekend I can catch up with everyone!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Today I was only one pound over my starting weight as opposed to two, so I am counting that as a victory. The scale told me that when life hands me a lemon to put it in some natural water and drink it - something like that. I've been putting lime in my water the past day or two. I have a nice tall glass of water right now. But let's talk a little about the lemons.

Today daughter woke up with a raging sore throat. I know she felt hideous but since it is the last day before Thanksgiving break, and she is still making up the work from missing three days last week, she went to school. I felt bad sending her. She took something for the sore throat, and went. She was real grumpy to me but then texted an apology. Last week we had a disagreement with the doctor's office. I have been taking her every time she misses school I constantly tell them that I think she gets sick a lot and what can we do. The past two times she went we had a young woman doctor that we had maybe had once or twice in the past. This doctor made me leave the room. The first visit when she did this she questioned my daughter about her sexual behavior. My daughter does not have an sexual behavior and never has, and told the doctor this. Then she told us she was testing for a urinary tract infection. My daughter went off to pee in a cup. She came back crying. She said they wanted her to pee again and she could not. They wanted two samples. I thought that was odd. Haley felt really sick and I took her and the second cup home. I was suspicious but I complied and brought them back some pee. She said she did not understand why they needed two cups.

I got the lab bill last week. They tested her for pregnancy and two STD's which were all negative. They never told me about these tests, and they never told her. Meanwhile she still gets sick again and this time I am told to leave the room again. She gets questioned again about sex, and also depression and mental stuff. Same doctor who again wants more pee and tests for a urinary tract infection. Now here's the stupidest part. The doctor noted the file the second time that my daughter is sexually active, which Haley again had told her she is not. But, this time she only tested for urinary tract infection and not the other stuff. It made no sense either time but she defended her self when I brought it up by saying that Haley told her she was sexually active the second visit, the visit where she did NOT do the sexually related tests. To make a long story short, I ended up in contact with the head of the entire practice, who was in contact with his lawyer. My daughter, the boss and the dumb doctor (sorry, I am still pissed) met. Haley was allowed to amend her medical record to reflect her lack of sexual activity.

But I still have a kid who gets sick often and instead of looking into other things, I had a doctor obsessing that she was secretly having sex. I had to get this off my chest. They told me seventy percent of girls her age have sex. You know what? i don't care. She doesn't. Can we please figure out why she gets sick so much? Instead of eating I am writing.

I have a lemon doctor. Maybe some moms would be glad the doc is testing for stuff we don't have and assuming my kid is a liar, but I don't appreciate it at all. If I thought she was having sex, I would not take her to the pediatrician for heaven's sake, I'd go to to an OB/GYN. There are lots of places for that stuff. Sheesh.

So I am drinking my lime water and musing over where to take her to the doctor now for the sore throat. We can keep going to the same practice and make sure we never see that one doctor again. But my confidence in them is shot.

I still feel puffy but I am only one pound over my "scare weight" and I am wearing my size six pants so I am not allowed to whine or complain or get all freaked out about weight. I have much to be grateful for. I feel guilty for even worrying about food after hearing a news story about Zimbabwe where people are literally pulling grain kernels out of dung, boiling it and eating it. There's some perspective for me. I feel like fasting and sending the food I would have eaten to Zimbabwe. Seriously. What a luxury problem. Worrying about eating too much. I sent food with my grandson when he visited his mother because they did not have enough, either. And here I am worried about consuming too much...hmmmmmmm

More will be revealed.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Day one of Talking Scale

OK, now I know what the scale says when you gain. This is my first day and it said I was two pounds over my starting weight which was yesterday...I say EEK. The scale says "don't sweat the small stuff - if you are having a stressful day, exercise" which is a good idea. It also said to write down everything I eat. So I will. I can do those two simple things. My feet felt swollen when I awoke. I night ate low sugar, home made breakfast bars, several times in the night. I hot flashed all night and I am having one now. My exercise this weekend consisted of bowling, going up and downstairs at home with the closet/clothes cleaning project, and walking around the mall. Other than that I did no exercising. I thought I did good with food yesterday but blew it with the night eating of daughter's breakfast bars. I made them myself so she could have something healthy to eat in the mornings since she does not eat milk/cereal or eggs and she is sick of yogurt.

So, I won't sweat the two pounds even though it kinda shocked me. This bloating and swelling must have something to do with the hot flashing and, well, the night eating. I so much do not want to get into that cycle again. I gained like crazy in my night eating days. So, this morning I walked the dog briskly in the cold prior to leaving for work. It made me feel really good. And, as for night eating, what would be better is a cold bottle of water. I will keep that on hand. I slept on the couch which is too close to the kitchen, because my bed is stacked with clothes waiting to be washed. My room is under moth control. I have not seen many but I am not finished with the eradication project. It is ongoing.

OK. No sweating of two pound gain when I wanted loss. We don't always get what we want. I do feel like a puffy balloon. Maybe the pizza caught up with me and along with the tin of chocolate covered mints. Maybe I need to give Kay Sheppard a look. I have some underlying stress that I am not even facing. But overall, my daughter and I had a wonderful weekend together. We shopped on Sunday and then spent the afternoon and evening with a fire burning in the kitchen, me cooking and washing clothes and helping her study all cozy on the couch. I cooked chicken breasts and baked potatoes and made big salads. I skipped the potato but had the pumpkin custard I make with half the sugar but it still has calories and sugar. She does not like crust, so it's pumpkin pie without crust basically and less sugar with more spices. OK so I did not really watch my food so good. Writing it down will take care of that.

I will write down the food and exercise today, while drinking loads of water. And see if I can't get the scale to say something else tomorrow. I will take it's suggestion. Even if I am not having a stressful day, I will get some more exercise. I am disappointed, but night eating is always a weight gaining situation in my experience and it needs to be dealt with promptly. I am prepared with bottled water veggies already cut for an alternative. Even an apple could have been better in my opinion. Better if I had not awakened some five or six times....I even took something to help me sleep. What's the deal??

So today I am wearing my size ten pants instead of the sixes or eights and so they feel kinda loose, and I am celebrating my fuller figure and curves. I have plenty of clean clothes to choose from because of the ongoing closet project - Things I forgot I owned. I am wearing a very pretty scarf, it is a slimming attractive outfit. I put on make up and a nice fragrance and feel good about my body. I will do push ups in the file room and my ab work. I will try to get to the gym for intense cardio perhaps this evening, but I am not sure how I to fit that in. If not, I can go up and down those four flights of steps and take a very brisk, fast walk and take another doggie walk tonight.

There is a solution. More will be revealed!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Gifts from the Universe Continue - a/k/a a new Weigh

I got an e-mail Monday from a public relations company. They offered to send me a product free of charge so I could try it and give them feed back. They found me through my blog. I investigated to see if they were legitimate. This is really interesting. At first I thought it would be something like a supplement, etc. I was skeptical. But here is what it is - a "scale" but it does not tell you the number you weigh. It tracks whether you lose or gain and it tells you stuff. It talks to you. It is called Mary Lou's Weigh. You can google it. I said I'd try it. It sells for about 80 dollars so it makes a nice free-bee actually. I got it yesterday. It only does ten pounds at a time. It came with a little booklet and a DVD. I will start using it tomorrow.

Blind weighing is intriguing to me. So is feedback. So is a talking scale. I have only opened the box and have not read the stuff yet. It allows for two people to use it at a time. It records your starting weight and then goes from there. It does not ever tell you the number. That's all I know so far. I will give an update tomorrow after I officially start.

Perfect timing, too. I am all fluffed up this week. We had eating affairs at work and I had run-ins with noodles at home. It was just an off beat week for me in many ways. But I am not hating myself. In fact I am just seeing how a little fluffiness impacts me. In some ways I like a fuller face, and a rounder figure, but in other ways I don't like annoying flab hanging over my pants. But I am not extremely up. Just enough that I am at what I would call my scare weight for now.

So, it is nice that I have an encouraging "scale" waiting for me. One that won't tell me the number because I do not want to know the number today at all. The Universe must really know my needs and provide for them! It came out of nowhere at just the right moment.

I am sitting in my cozy spot with a fire going on a Saturday morning. I have a small roast cooking in the oven. I feel very content. My daughter and I are going to a bowling (of all things) party with the lawyers I work with. It should be interesting. It is a family thing. My grandson is at his mother's for the weekend so it is a me and daughter weekend and that is nice. We ordered pizza last night and watched a movie. Hence, the scale aversion today. Thin crust and veggies. She is not wanting to go to the bowling thing but I think it will be fun. I am going because I want to meet the families of my co-workers and do a little bonding.

Other than that, I have a moth problem in my closet. I have lived 50 years without this and now I feel like the moth ball smelling old lady. I have taken all the clothes out and I have LOTS of clothes. They are laying in my room waiting to be dealt with. The moths are in the closet with a bright light shining and a bunch of smelly moth crystal stuff. I cannot stand that smell. I will finish pulling all my stuff out of the closet this weekend, vacuum, spray, and wash all the clothes, shake them out hang them outside or do anything else anyone tells me to do for the moth deal. Where did they come from??? Maybe it's a good thing, I needed to clean that closet out. Maybe I will find something I have been missing.

Anyone with information on moth control let me know. This is too weird.

More will be revealed.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

My Cozy Spot


I am in my hearth area. It is such a warm room even without a fire. The warm colors and the cozy atmosphere are too pleasant to entertain any anxiety this morning. I was anxious earlier when I woke up. My daughter is having her dizzy spells again and feeling very bad. I took her to the doctor but that was somewhat frustrating. I am staying home, yesterday and today. That made me anxious, and I felt frozen on a project because I could not get motivated to do it. Then fear set in. But I have banished those feelings in favor of celebrating my life today just the way it is.

I love this room I will take a photo soon, my daughter is sleeping and she has the USB cable for my camera. I have come a long way. Not just with weight. With my other struggles - with men. The Weed cropped up last week but this time he left on his own. How cool is that??? He saw his own behavior because I did not react. I was detached. I was polite but not very accommodating. He pronounced his own weaknesses and put some closure on things. I did not have to do anything. He cannot hurt me. He has absolutely no power over me. He has problems and I have no desire or feeling of obligation to fix them.

What a nice feeling it is to just be myself and let other people be themselves and to not feel like I have to get involved in things. The admirer guy from a couple of weeks ago is still around on a casual basis. The one I went to the river with. We have had breakfast, coffee, and he came to dinner when I had a few people over. He is interesting to talk to about business type things and other stuff. I have not gotten romantic with him. He is in the possibilities but probably friend category. Sometimes I feel a little warmed up to him but then it cools right back down. It is a safe and comfortable feeling for me to just be able to objectively get to know people. Wow, do normal people do this all their lives and I just now figured it out? ? Better late than never. Men don't wield power over my emotions any more. How'd that happen? Even dreams about my ex don't bother me. I am in a comfortable safe place right now. My self esteem no longer comes from external stuff.

I have a lot of work to do today. I was feeling anxious about working from home, job fears but I decided to let those go, too. They don't do me any good. Seems like people have needed me more lately and I was feeling pressed by all directions but I can go into my own safe little peaceful place and not take on the world's problems. One thing I like about the admirer is he will bring me coffee, and tells me nice things that I know he means. I don't have to be attracted to him like a boyfriend to enjoy his admiration and attention. It is nice for someone to come over and bring coffee, and help build the fire, stay a while and then leave. Boundaries are great.

Food is up and down but not completely out of control. I am at peace with that too. I am grateful my job is still around, and my home is intact, my kids are ok, and I live in a beautiful environment that I put together myself. I believed in it and it is here. I think I will believe in more things and be as positive as I can be. Celebrate everything. Blogging has changed my life. I know it has. It is the missing link for me. I am so grateful for it.

More will be revealed.

Monday, November 17, 2008

What I have Learned

After doing the carb deplete a few different times I have learned something very important about me. I can't do carb deplete without having a major depressive episode. Probably because I am on the depressive side anyway. It is exciting at first because the scale is on my side but sooner or later my brain gets very weird. It has happened every time. I promised my daughter I would not do it again. It may be the way I do my carb deplete but I am not willing to risk it again. She said she'd rather I weigh more and be happy than to keep trying to lose more and have those episodes. She even said she thinks maybe that's why some heavier people are "jolly" because they get to have all the feel good carbs. I like the way she sees things sometimes. Level headed and honest.

Now, I am not going to the other end of the spectrum on the carbs, either. I dont' have to have all the Jolly carbs but I do need to watch out for extremes. I have also noticed a tendency to binge again after the depletion. I have not had those binging episodes in a long time, not like the ones I have had after carb depletion. It must be my addict's mind, like Helen talks about. I need a steady balance of something. So I am trying to stabilize myself. My weight is up a bit. I have been having major hot flashes for weeks now. It took a week to recover from my last carb deplete last weekend.

I am going to focus on exercise and balanced diet for now. A balanced diet aimed at taking a few pounds back off but not too aggressive on goals. I have come along way and don't want to blow it by high expectations. Also focusing on accepting and maintaining my body at a range from the upper to mid 140's to mid 150's. For now. I don't want to get into thinking I have to lose more than that because it seems too impossible and I get into some negative thinking (and behavior). Not that I would not like to be ten pounds lower but for now I want to stabilize and accept myself where I am, get my brain happy, and keep working on physical abilities.

I rode my bike yesterday morning. It was really nice. It is a major workout because there are so many hills. I raked leaves, too. I had people over for dinner last Sunday and lit fire in the fireplace. It was very nice. So now the fireplace is broken in and I have lit a couple fires on my own. My daughter loves it. I also love hanging out in the kitchen now that I have the cozy couch. Things are going pretty good. I just need to get myself on a more stable and off of what appears to have become a roller coaster with the food.

More will be revealed!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Today's Inspiration

My reading this morning was so good I have to re-print it here. It is from a book called Forgiving and Moving On. It's a collection of daily readings.

November 7
Today I recognize that constantly craving things keeps me locked in a cycle of binging and purging the stuff of life. The world can only give me so much. My true happiness lies in the realization and communion with myself and my Higher Power. When I think that I need a new car, house, or person (add for me - a better body, job or some chocolate, etc..), I am not recognizing that my real happiness does not depend upon moving the externals of my life around. When I am at peace with myself, I will be able to see clearly what I need to create for satisfaction. I will let go of the feeling that I will only be happy when I give all my power away to things and people outside myself. Contentment is an inside job; until I can feel it within me, nothing I do outside will have a lasting effect.

I see craving as a cycle of self-abuse.
What poison is to food, self pity is to life. Oliver C. Wilson.

Then, here is what I got from the Universe -

It takes a BIG person, Cynthia, to accept full responsibility for their own happiness.It takes an even BIGGER person to accept full responsibility for their own unhappiness.But, Cynthia, it takes a spiritual GIANT, who upon realizing any degree of unhappiness, decides to be the change they seek - in spite of having to endure the "same old, same old" that may still linger on for awhile. Yeah.
Fee-Fi-Foe-Fum, The Universe

These are so amazing! They describe much of my philosophy of life. I was feeling icky this morning from eating sweets and salts and over amping on caffeine much of the week. But I had already made a decision at bedtime last night to de-tox with green tea, and a week one crack the fat loss code food plan today. After my readings I feel totally at peace with myself. I know what to do to take care of myself, including my body. And I am doing it right now.

Happy Friday!!!!!!! More will be revealed!!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Yesterday there was a garage sale in a building near mine. There was a couch that looked like it would be great for my hearth area. The hearth area is the final spot I needed to furnish to complete my home. I have been determined to find the right furniture at nominal cost. I even drove to the country to look at my buddy Joe's monstrosity of a couch last weekend. I had my doubts about it but was willing to use it if nothing showed up. I stalked the garage sale couch most of the day. They wanted too much for it. Every time I went somewhere I passed it. Each kid had a chance to confirm that it would be great in the hearth area, just right in fact. It makes into a bed which means it is very heavy. I decided if it was there at the end of the day I would make an offer. So as the man was putting things away, I stopped by. I found a dresser, a rocker, a foot stool, and a little vanity chair and made him a lump sum "bundle" offer. He took it.

My grandson and I had to try and get the heavy couch down the hill to our building. We were dragging and carrying and two neighbors came out to help. It was cool. I had faith that if I was willing to wait for the right couch, I'd find one I could afford. I had faith that if we started moving it down the hill, we'd get it there eventually and someone might even help. I know that the couch is insignificant in the big picture of life, but these little acts of faith add up to whole-ness somehow for me. I am sitting on the couch now. It is in excellent condition. My daughter had a friend over to spend the night and they broke in the sleeper. It had never been used. It is a small couch really but just right for the room. My dream of sitting in front of the fire is going to come true this year. And the little antique rocker is a bonus along with the other stuff. I have been watching sales in my neighborhood. People have nice stuff here.

Anyway, I had a mini date last night with the guy who tried to pick me up in the produce store. He had met me a year ago at a benefit I went to with my buddy Joe and other friends. He remembered me. I did not take him up on going to the picnic he told me about in the produce store, but ran into him again last week. He seemed so earnestly interested in me that I gave him my number. Joe said he was a big hearted nice guy but did not want to weigh in on whether he was right for me. The guy is a contractor and runs a deck and fence business and subcontracts other home improvement jobs. I met him for coffee and we went down to the river and he showed me a new spot. We climbed up on a gigantic log and sat. We got our feet muddy. I have to admit looking back it was nice and kind of fun. But he's kinda weird, and I left the date firmly believing that he would be nice to hang out with but no romance at this time. Thinking back on it today I feel slightly different but not much.

So here is the deal with complete-ness. It is not just my house, my hearth room that feels complete. It is me. Sure the guy is ok and it was nice to go out and be admired but I am so okay without it having to work out. I don't need to have this guy fit into "the one" scenario. I'd love to have someone to cuddle by the fire with, don't get me wrong, but I can wait. If there's a cuddler in my near future, great. If not, there's always the dog!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

I am in my comfy chair with toasted pumpkin seeds. The kids are out and I stayed home with jackolanterns lit and my porch light on. I have had a few small trick or treaters. The candy is not very tempting. The pumpkin seeds are good. I picked them out of the pumpkin gook and roasted them in the oven. Had not done it in years. I was sick this week. Last night was the worst and today I had to call in sick at work. It worked out nice though because after sleeping for 12 hours I felt good enough to do the grocery shopping, plus I was home after school to carve pumpkins with the kids. I still do not feel very good but better.

I was invited out tonight but staying home with the dog and handing out candy sounded good to me. Maybe a scary old movie and an early bed time. Last year I started November with gratitude and I am doing the same this year. I have much to be grateful for. For one, these pumpkin seeds are more inviting to me than the candy bowl at the moment! I am starting to feel really tired. So I am going to hit the couch..

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Abs and other thoughts

I adopted a new ab exercise a while back. I saw them doing it in a class at the gym. It made me sore and was much more challenging than what I'd been doing. That and my push ups have made a big difference. I can feel the firmness in my obliques. My abs are a slow steady work in progress but I feel the difference. I had been doing the bicycle alternating sides with each rep, but the new way does the same side over and over and then the same side elbow to leg over and over, then you switch sides. Way harder. I think it is important to change things periodically. I still have some pooch and some fat but far less and I see a waistline. Going past the giant mirror closet doors without my clothes on is getting easier and easier. Not always, but most of the time, I feel ok if not good about my body. It has come a long way.

I like that it has been gradual. Gradual seems permanent. New normal, not passing fad. My quickie lunch gym workouts are the new normal, too. Not every day but at least two or three a week. And the file room workouts are normal now, too. I feel like I am being true to myself. I know I go a bit wild and have some indulgences from time to time, but even when I do that I am taking responsibility for the outcome. It is not world war three with myself, just a temporary indulgence.

It is good to be home. I worked from home this afternoon. I still have a contract to finish this evening but I will get it finished. It is long and dull but it pays the rent. I will get some overtime pay on my check this week and that will help with the budget. I am taking things easy and staying in today with life. It feels good. Last night I had to light the pilot on the furnace. I have always been scared of gas appliances, and confused by the mechanics of stuff. But the landlord fell asleep and forgot to stop by, so I decided to do it. I had read the diagram and instructions but could not see the pilot. I called my buddy Joe and he made some suggestions and said he'd come if I couldn't do it. But I got of the phone and did it. It felt really good. I am going to use the fireplace this year, too. Looking forward to it. My home is cozy for the winter.

The Weed called my house several times in a row while I was gone. I had changed my cell phone because of him. I decided I would call him and tell him not to call the house anymore rather than my daughter or the house sitter having to contend with him. I called from the hotel and let him know he was not to use the home phone number and I wanted no contact with him. He said he'd respect that. He said he wanted me to forgive him for the bad text messages. I said I had already forgiven him but wanted nothing to do with him because I did not live like that, with name calling and such. Those things are not a part of my life today. So that was that. No more calls. It was easy.

I feel like settling in for a long winter's nap.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Epic Moment

I had a moment yesterday that amazed me. I was at a baby shower and they played this game - baby shower games get more bizarre all the time. We had to determine what kind of candy bar was melted and mushed into baby diapers. I won. The stumper was the kit kat bar. I knew it immediately. I'd consumed an entire bag of mini kit kats shortly before my trip last week. When I raised my hand as knowing the kit kat they were all surprised. I said it was easy because I had eaten an entire bag recently. They all looked surprised - probably not because I ate them but because I admitted I ate them. And then a lady behind me said "and look how little she is" - - that blew me away. I have never been referred to as little, I don't consider myself little. But the fact that I joyously admitted to eating an entire bag of kit kats, in public, around women I don't even know, coupled with someone referring to me as little is kind of a surreal experience for me. Who am I now? A small, brazen, kit kat eating person?

I don't know. But it felt nice to be ok with myself enough to admit to my eating the bag of candy. I said it was the Halloween candy and the lady next to me said I could just turn my porch light off. It was great. Eating a bag of candy in the past would be a crisis and a self loathing moment. I am not advocating eating large amounts of candy. What this is about is that I got over it. I am not happy to eat all that junk, but if it happens I am still ok with myself. I ate better the rest of the week. My trip week involved about a two pound gain which may be more attributed to pre trip stress eating (a.k.a. kit kats) and a little of the trip itself. I did push ups and abs in my room each morning and opted for healthy choices of foods. I had a good trip but I am very very happy to be home.

Had to share my surreal moment, even at the risk of blogging at work. I don't like to talk to much about eating the bad stuff, but it's the relationship with myself that has improved so much. I don't do those kinds of things often anymore. And I am not happy about doing it, but I can move on, and be more neutral with myself. Treat myself like a would a friend or any other person. Non judging, and supportive. And sometimes we just need to laugh at ourselves. I won a very pretty votive candle holder for being such an expert on the kit kat.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Miss Blogging!!

I am going through withdrawal for blogging. I have been very busy and I am leaving for Ohio this afternoon for our annual legal conference in Ohio. I am paranoid that the IT police will be reading my blog if I go on it at work.... But I wanted to post quickly. I miss the blog community and when I get back I will be more caught up around the house and ready to relax (I hope) and get back into a routine of blogging at night or in the morning. No weight gain, and no weight loss, just hanging around the same size and number for a while before I lose more. Still trying to keep my good carbs, reduce my junky ones, and follow a program....

I am happy at my size but I believe I will be going down in weight soon. I have adjusted to this weight range and that is what happens before I lose more. I hang around a weight, stabilize, and then move on. Sometimes I wish I could lose it all fast and keep it off but that just is not my pattern of success. I lose, adjust, then lose more. I have been working out regularly (nothing extreme) and mixing things up to keep it interesting. I like my pushups and ab challenges. I still have not gotten the stability ball workout going but I will. I had a great workout cleaning my carpet this weekend and scrubbing my bathroom, etc. I was actually sore. I like to feel sore after my workouts because I know I used muscles that I may not be using regularly.

I gotta go, and get some work finished. The trips make me nervous, leaving the kids - I have a friend staying with them this time and not my delusional brother so that's way better, right? Ok enough of that.

More will be revealed!!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I Love October

What beautiful weather!!!!! We are not supposed to use the Internet at work anymore for personal use so I have cut back on my computer time. It's been over a week since my last post. My weight is stable in the new lower range. I am feeling great. I took off Friday and enjoyed the weather. My daughter and I went shopping at this big trendy second hand store in the afternoon. It was fun trying things on. I was in the market for jeans since my favorites from last winter are loose. Besides they remind me of my ex boyfriend, getting ready for my dates with him, and the things I wore. Funny how my winter things made me think of him. But I have fond memories of those clothes regardless.

So, I tried on jeans and found two snug fitting ones. I loved the one pair but they were pricey. They were called Sacred. Must be some brand teenagers wear but to me they looked like Hippie jeans. I came back the next day and got them to take ten dollars off the price. Now that makes them even more "sacred"... I really love them. I will have to photo them. They are a bit tight but that's good because I am sure I will be dropping an inch or so to make them fit just right. For now they are quite wearable. I love jeans.

I also found boots. Last year I was on a seemingly endless quest for boots and never bought any. I was shopping for new ones and never found any I liked. At the groovy second hand store I found two - high ones for wearing with skirts, and low/western style ones. Black. Love them, too. So that was my fun shopping excursion. I had quality time with daughter, too. Thursday night we went out to dinner and to a late movie since we were both off the next day. We had a real nice night out together. Grandson was at his mother's house so it was just the two of us.

I have been feeling very comfortable in my body. I got out my bike this morning. I have lost 15 or 20 pounds since I was riding it last year I think. I don't recall riding it this past spring but perhaps I did. Anyway the hills were much easier and it was a great way to start the day. This weather is delicious. Sunny with big puffy white clouds, cool breezes, crisp evenings, and brilliant sunsets. I can't get enough!!!!!

I also did a positive thinking "boot camp" of my own last week. For three days straight I worked in a work book by Louise Hay, it is the companion book to her You Can Heal Your Life book. It is all about changing my thoughts and accepting and loving myself. The key to kind every of healing apparently, according to Hay. Well, anyway I kept writing out the affirmations on little slips of paper and carrying them in my pockets, and when I did not have pockets, in my bra. I was dedicated. I'd get them out in the restroom at work and read them. This may sound funny but I was determined to get my head in the positive mode. I also read them at my desk, recited them in my car, and anywhere.

By Wednesday I was and still am it the best state of mind I have been in for a very very very long time. Amazing is all I can say. So I still read them, write them, and look at them, think them and so on.

Right now I am reclined on my back patio by my inpatients of every color just breathing in the evening. It is still light out and I am going to eat my salad and read.

More will be revealed!!!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

The New Normal

Vickie's comment reminded me of how things become the "new normal" after a while of practicing new principles in eating and exercise. Helen referred to it before also about her Drastic becoming the Normal. I was thinking of what new principles or habits are becoming my new normal.

Increased focus on the amount of protein and carbohydrates in my food choices is part of the new normal. I am reaching for more protein and less simple carbohydrates in my diet today. I am also varying the high carb low carb days in the cycle 2 part of the program I am trying to use. I say trying because this week I was far less than perfect. I was perfect the first week, though.
Also, in exercise I am making sure I exercise on the low carb days, and use bursts of intensity and new challenges. I am looking for new stuff to do to keep things interesting and to use muscles that I don't ordinarily use.

Variety seems the broad theme even though it is not necessarily what I set out to do. The scale was up a smidgen today but I still feel smaller in the waist. I knew it would be up but I am still lower than I was, and I am very satisfied with my results, especially after being so imperfect.

Today is Homecoming and I have a nervous newly 15 year old getting ready. She had those spots break out on her leg and is trying to cover the remains with cover stick and go bare legged - panty hose apparently are for old ladies like me!! I am being there for what she needs but also steering clear. I am driver, errand runner but I have to keep my mouth shut because I am too old to know anything. I thought she should carry a small purse for make up and phone but that is apparently not I hope she does not lose anything. She reminds me that she can handle her self, and I am very grateful for that, and grateful that she is confident in her ability to deal with her own decisions.

So I am off to clean house and be available for the homecoming driving and money handing out and whatever else my role turns out to be. The dining out plans have moved from after to before and may move again before the day is out so I am staying flexible. The last thing she needs is a rigid mother yapping at her while she tries to negotiate this rite of passage into high school social life. I never did this stuff in high school so I really don't know much about it anyway. I was a hippie...

More will be revealed!!!

Friday, October 3, 2008

TGIF !!!!!!!!

I love Friday. Tomorrow I will officially weigh in. I just hope I am at or close to where I was last week. That was a fast loss and I know a little came back this week but I'd like to be close. I am having a nice peaceful mood. I like my lower carb days better. I am looking up new exercises to challenge my body and keep a variety. The push ups and other exercises I do in the file room seem to make a big difference. I am looking at things to do with my stability ball and core strength improvement.

Other than that I am enjoying healthy food and cool crisp autumn weather!!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Busy Week

Past couple of days have been very busy. Unexpected trip to doctor with daughter plus the birthday stuff had me off work all day yesterday instead of just leaving early. I had to take a step back and stop obsessing about my weight. I felt I was getting too hung up on it. I have noticed that my stomach feels smaller and leaner and I like that feeling. I am paying attention to my body and still doing an eating program/plan and exercising but putting back into my relaxed perspective. That my not make sense but I go overboard with my weight loss stuff to where it becomes more of a compulsion than a program for good health.

Anyway since I had my carb up I noticed how my moods fluctuated and how my body reacted. I am not sure if the moods were related because other things factor into moods. Next high carb day I am going to stick with the lower glycemic stuff. I don't have much time to post today because I am trying to make up for lost time yesterday at work. I feel very relaxed today and not hungry at all. My temptation is to skip meals but I am going to make sure I eat every four hours like I am supposed to. Steady blood sugar levels are important.

Still incorporating principles into my permanent eating program. That's what I feel like I do every time I do a new program. I take new principles and add them into my way of eating. I don't do any one program forever - I use it to learn and adjust my eating.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Getting behind on posting. I gave myself a day off from the scale and "diets" because I felt I was getting too obsessive about things. In Cycle 2 I found myself more tired than Cycle 1 but other factors could have contributed to it. So last night I took the night off. Today I am doing carb deplete and exercise. I feel like sometimes I am the opposite of "normal" because, for example, getting real tired and feeling worse when adding carbs back into the diet. Another example, hormones, doctors want to add them back when we start losing them. I feel better with less of them. Other things like that I have noticed about myself. Must be something about my constitution.

So today I am staying in today, following a plan of eating protein and complex carbs - a cycle one day for me. I did some research online on carb depleting and carb loading. It is a body builder thing. They carb deplete prior to competitions and work out during the carb deplete phase to burn fat. So I am going to make sure I work out on my lower carb days. There was a sentence about that in the book, too, buried somewhere. I have also noticed that the plans designed by body builders (not that I have read that many) include the free day or the cheat day or whatever you want to call it. It keeps the body from getting "static" and the metabolism from getting and staying low I suppose. I am grasping principles I think.

I don't want to get obsessive about anything so I am taking it easy, and enjoying the moment. It is one of those chilly fall days. But it reminds me of my ex "Man Friend" from last fall/winter/spring. He keeps showing up in dreams and last night he was saying something to me over and over but I could never understand it. In that dream I was going to oceans to stay with people who lived on one ocean or another. It was kind of cool. Don't know why he keeps popping up but it makes me a little sad. Him saying things and me not understanding what he was saying is reflective of the breakdown in the communication in that relationship. I wish I could just move on like other people do and the way he apparently did. There I am again, feeling opposite of "normal"....

Friday, September 26, 2008

Completed Cycle One !!!!

This is cause for celebration, me sticking to something for a week. I just don't do that kind of stuff. I dropped six pounds and I feel better. The immediate gratification was and is motivating. I was VERY tired yesterday at the end of the day but I don't mind being tired at the end of the day so much because then I can do what normal folks do, go to bed and go to sleep...hee hee hee.
I felt great this morning at 5:30 when I got up and weighed myself so I cleaned the kitchen since I was too tired to do it last night. Yesterday I went to the gym for my Lunch Hour Workout. It was great. Without what used to feel like artificial energy I feel my body working more and yesterday I felt I was losing weight, fat maybe, who knows. But I felt like when I weighed in I would be at a loss. I brushed past this weight in June but now I want to hang around it and move down some more. I am not getting hung up on numbers but it is motivating to see. I took my measurements (yikes) but I am not going to take them again for another week or two. None of my clothes are tight. I have an old mini skirt from 1990 - an eighties stone wash denim - that I could use as a try on, but I am not sure it will ever fit again. I squooshed into it when I was this weight in June so maybe I will use it as a measurement. I seriously doubt I'd ever go out of the house in it but it would be fun to see it fit.
Have to run, it will be a busy day at work so I wanted to check in early. I noticed that this week while depleting I did several tasks that I'd been putting off, like cleaning the bird cage, getting the headlight fixed on the car, little things that had nagged me. I like that feeling of just getting it done. I am not sure the relationship between that and my new healthier way of eating but I think there is one.
I am off to change the porch light, it has been out for maybe a year!!
More will be revealed.....
PS - File Room Workout update: 45 push ups in my 10 a.m. session - 3 sets of 15 with yoga and physical therapy in between. woo-hoo!! a new record!!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Day 7 - Hard to Believe

It is hard to believe I bought a "diet book" and followed a specific plan for almost a week now. I have no doubts about today, its the last day of cycle one and I am thrilled to finish the day on plan. I am not a diet book buyer (anymore, I own several already) AND I do not normally stick to anything like a rigid restrictive eating program. I do some things off and on (affectionately referred to as "Drastic" thanks to Helen!) and I incorporate principles and things I have learned from several programs (South Beach, Kay Sheppard, Weight Watchers) into my various Drastic plans. I like flexibility. I don't like to set myself up for failure, either. And I am always suspicious of anything that prohibits carrots!!

So, when I went to get the Crack the Fat Loss Code book I wanted to read it and learn about the theory and incorporate the principles, etc. into my own Drastic. But I saw Laura's fast results and I wanted a boost to my program. I wanted to get out of my slump. Which is one of the promises of the book - to get you off your "plateau" which is another word for my slump. After looking it over and reading I decided to do it and see. I decided to take it day by day and not overwhelm myself with thoughts of the future cycles and menus and plans. It looked easy, and did not require me to get anything special that I don't already eat, and so on.

I have been doing it now for six days and I like the instant result of getting the gain off that has been bothering me since late July. I feel like I am back where I was and ready to move forward. I like that I am learning about my body's response to foods and I like that I have cleared and cleansed and halted my carb-junkie infusion of high glycemic foods. It feels good. It feels better each day. I want to do the entire 8 weeks. If I don't that will be ok but it's a goal for now and I actually feel like I can do it. Especially since I am almost finished with what looks like the hardest part.

Now, if I look at the upcoming "cycles" they can look a little complicated with the "carb up" "carb down" and "Baseline" days. But here is how I am looking at it. I am focusing on the day I am in. And looking one day ahead so I can have the food on hand. I am not getting all tied up in three days from now, the weekend, my daughter's birthday next week, or my business trip in October. I think if I did that, I would not like it. Tomorrow I know what I am adding to my plan. I like the simplicity of looking at the suggested menu and following it. Next week, who knows? But for now I am enjoying this "science experiment" on my body.

Here's my commentary on the ball park which I almost made as the title and subject of this post. The ball park is a huge food court. It is new and expensive (no drink, bottled water included, for under 5 bucks) and full of every restaurant vendor you can think of. I could have had steak, instantly, all the traditional ball park junk, or upscale type foods, food, food food. Food walking past my nose (I was on the end seat) going up the stairs. Food smells, sights, images of pizza on the big screen, you name it.....geeeez!!! But I ate my yummy broccoli marinade (as I am calling it) and my chicken breast for dinner while the kids had seasoned fries. I had my boiled eggs and a slice of cheese later while they had cotton candy. Did I feel deprived? Absolutely not. I felt competent and healthy! Successful and smart. I was tired. I did pump up with diet cola. The most tempting smell was the jalapeno in the nachos. But I reminded myself that I have jalapenos at home and can use them on foods that are on my menus.

So I survived the ball game with one glitch, when I got home and was doing something in the kitchen, the natural peanut butter -- fresh ground peanuts -- caught me and I had the uncontrollable urge to get a spoon and eat the entire tub. I stuck my finger in it and had a couple of bites. I looked up the carbs and since it was a low carb day I don't think I went over my limit. I am not starting over. I am moving on. It is what it is. So be it. etc.

I love staying in the moment and taking things day by day. I can relax and take it easy more. We worry more about future events than what is going on right now. I am better off if I put the major majority of my attention on the here and now. Today it looks like I can go to the gym on my work break and I am excited about that.
I took time out on the way to work for a river stop, got out and enjoyed the sun reflecting on the water. Just a five minute stop but it made a huge difference, reading my morning reflection and feeling the sun.

Happy Thursday!!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Day 6 and I am still Doing It

Yesterday I was sleep deprived. Sleep deprived and carb deprived are not a good mix but I managed. I drank diet soda which I avoid nowadays because I just don't think it's healthy. But I stuck to my carb limits and did the deal so it was a success. I even did a grand total of 50 push ups along with some other exercises. So it was a successful day even though I was tired.

I went to bed at a decent hour last night but am still tired today but not nearly as much. Today has a challenge. We are going to the ball game. We have to go early, because grandson is playing in the school band before the game. It will be fun and I am glad we are doing it. Ballgame food is not in my plan. I have prepared. I have a little zip lock bag of my broccoli which I drizzled with olive oil and seasoned with cracked pepper blend. It should be nicely "marinated" by the dinner time. I also have a frozen chicken breast in a ziplock which will thaw and be edible with the broccoli. I think that will work out nicely and if I want I will have a diet Pepsi. I also have a trusty boiled egg and a slice of cheese for evening snack. I am smuggling these into the game with me if I have to put them under my clothes. I don't think you are supposed to bring your own food but I don't think it is necessarily prohibited, either. So, prepared for the challenge and it is only morning.

Hard to believe I have stuck with something for almost the week. Tomorrow is the last day of cycle 1. I can do this. No more out of control evenings. I actually know what I have consumed in a day. It feels odd, like it is not really true, but it is.

Anyway, I have been isolating a bit, for a few months really, in that I have not gotten together with friends, and I found myself actually avoiding calls and stuff like that. This morning I got an e-mail from a friend and I found myself genuinely happy to hear from her and wanting to have a girl's night out. So maybe I am emerging from whatever my little reclusive phase was about. I call it a retreat. I was still doing stuff, just not as much.

Well, it's a busy day at work, and I need to cram 8 hours of work into six so I can leave early.

More will be revealed!!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Present in the Moment Day 5

Without the distraction of food (decisions about what to eat, guilt about what I ate, effects of high starch and sugar), I feel more present in what I am doing. I appreciate things more. I appreciate food more, too. When I am eating I enjoy the taste of the food and the fact that I can eat it without that feeling of guilt, living on the edge, anxiety or any other distracted feelings I had before. I feel like every meal is nourishment and a blessing for my body.

I have been using spices more, chili powder on my chicken breast, a blend of whole pepper corns for my salads. I used a generous amount of garlic sliced up in my "strir fry" with my broccoli last night. I can enjoy the tastes and the feeling of fullness, and good health.

But it isn't just meals, I feel more present in the other things I do. I probably used food to distract myself. Quick digesting food that overwhelmed me at times too. Even though I have been eating less the past couple of years and eating a far better diet than before, to some extent I was still drugging myself with food.

The slower digesting food seems to have a calming and stabilizing impact. I know I will be adding carbs soon but even then they will be lower on the glycemic index. I don't want to go back to the old ways. It is too much nicer to be free of the roller coaster. I know it has only been four days but I feel a big difference.

Today I am grateful for all the little moments that put together a day. Some moments we want to pass and some of them, for me anyway, we might like to stay in for a long time. Those I like to savor and acknowledge the most.

I have stuck to the plan, which is amazing for me. The only thing off my plan I did last night was I had a boiled egg between dinner and evening snack. I was preparing daughter a "power salad" and I could not resist the freshly boiled egg. The kids are eating healthier, too because I am preparing better food for them. It is just a natural progression of things.

Did my morning File Room Workout - increased my push up set to 15 and did 2 sets!! I did it after my power coffee shake (coffee chilled blended with vanilla protein shake) so perhaps that accounts for some of the energy but I don't care, I was at 12 push ups per set.

More will be revealed.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Day 4...I feel like a high performance machine...

After my morning coffee protein shake I feel like a focused, energized, high performance machine. I am so glad I did not have to give up my coffee beverage. In fact, the vanilla shake blended with the coffee is even better than the one I have been buying at my favorite coffee spot!

Yesterday I probably had the most "depleted" feelings. But I managed to clean in my room, go to church, and run to the local discount department store (this usually overwhelms me) for some things we needed. It was a good day. Evening I found myself quite tired but the logical thing was to go to bed. I am supposed to be tired at night, right? That's something about carbs and me. The sugaring up in the evening kept me UP when maybe I should have just allowed myself to feel tired and, well, go to bed. Addicts minds do not always work in a logical fashion.

There's been talk about addicts minds. I have one so I can relate to all talk of that sort. I see where I reach for the quick dissolving/digesting foods to get that feeling which is a high. I have been noticing how I feel eating the steady protein and fewer, way fewer carbs. I do not feel the depression or moods I normally feel. I feel the "depleted-ness" but I know what it is from. This is an interesting experience. I am learning first hand how food effects me. I was another pound down today which is a good motivator but I look for this to stop soon, or slow up. Or even fluctuate. I like it but I don't want to get hooked on the scale, either. Balance. Balance. Balance.

Exercise yesterday was minimal. Some push ups and a mad house cleaning in the afternoon in anticipation of people coming to look at spots appearing on the upstairs ceiling. Yikes, roof trouble. Glad it's not technically my roof. But I don't like having work done. And I don't want a caving in roof. I have been more interested in cleaning my house while on this cracking the code journey. I like that part. I am finding ways to stay busy without reaching for the carb high.

I feel like an addict in detox. I may be "seeing the light" for the first time.

More will be revealed!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Day 3 Still EXCITED!!!!!

This is working great for me. I feel like I am recovering from over-carbing (perhaps a new term) for a long time. Even during my weight loss I still was heavy at times on the carbs and I see how that impacted me. I feel like my concentration level is better even on my depletion days than it was before I was doing this. Hard to explain but I feel better, even though I feel the "carb depletedness" at times. It is not that bad. I was able to go for a walk yesterday morning and then go to the gym for my usual workout routine in the afternoon. And the scale is down 4 pounds. It may be bloat and water but I don't care. I was sick of that bloat and water. I feel like I am making progress and eating healthier.

I have my moments. Usually right after my big meal at lunch and dinner I feel like I want something, or want to go on eating. That's me wanting a sweet, I think, a fruit, more carbs, more food. I have always had that impulse after a meal, to go on and on. But a nice hot tea should do the trick, perhaps a chai which is spicy and also comes in decaf. I may go to the store and pick up some teas - apple cinnamon is a good dessert tea. The aroma is nice, too and smelling it and the warmth of it may sooth the craving. I also notice that if I get busy and time passes that feeling of wanting to eat more goes away after a while. So a walk, a good book, even a TV show, anything but food is most likely a good idea.

Evening eating consists of my snack, and nothing else. I went to bed early last night. The snack is supposed to be two hours before bed. I have protein at every meal. There is a plan of 6 meals but a minimum of 4. The first day I did all 6 but yesterday only got in 5. The idea is to keep the nourishment coming regularly and protein at each interval. I like this very much. I think I was protein depleted most of the time. I tried to be balanced in my eating but did grab for the quick carbs. I think if I analyzed my diet it would have been heavily weighted in carbs. Carbs, the right kind are good, I learned that from South Beach, but balance is what I seek and I tend to sway over to the fast carbs, sugars, starches and not enough protein.

We will see what this brings me. I have not read too much ahead about how I will be eating in the next week. I understand the concept but I am still in the nutritional education part of the book and my cycle 1. I do not want to get overwhelmed thinking of next week or the week after that. I have thought about my business trip near the end of October and what cycle that will be in, but then I decided not to worry about that. If I stay in the here and now it is so much simpler. If I think about next month, week or even tomorrow I get all nervous.

I would be fine with no exercise today but if I feel like it I will. I won't push myself, however. Doing things around the house would be nice and a walk. A couple of hand weights. I did no push ups yesterday, so I may try one or two or a set whenever I am feeling my highest level of energy. In the past I could be real good at working out, but lousy at eating or I could be real good at eating and then let my exercise slip to next to nothing. I want a real balance. Both. But I do not do well if I push myself to be the work out queen, a simple workout is best for me, the habit of doing it even if it is not super woman stuff.

I think I have been a little bored lately, since getting back from vacation, kids starting school, kicking the Weed out of my life, etc. It is nice and stable and peaceful but I found myself a bit bored and reaching for that carb high. Now I turn to doing stuff. I even went to a garage sale and poked around yesterday. I surf the web on diet sites, read, ANYTHING to stay out of the quick food fix. I did stuff before but now I am trying to do it more often. It does not have to be some giant social event or much at all. Just a diversion of my attention. Flipping through a magazine, etc. Simple things to do without leaving the house. I got invited to a picnic yesterday but did not feel like going, the choice was there but I found other things to do. I got invited to something today but not really feeling like going. I will make my church stuff and then see what happens.

More will be revealed!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Day 2 - I am SO Excited!!!!!!!

Day one went well. I did feel the depletion but it was not bad. I even went out last night for a little while to meet someone for tea. That's another story in itself, on my Internets dating blog. Anyway, back to the important stuff. I am three pounds down. One pound away from my normal BMI!!!! This gain-back that happened in July is going away. And I am seeing where I have grabbed for carbs in my daily eating instead of protein. I don't think my diet was very balanced before. It was far better than the past, and it enabled me to lose an maintain loss but it will not get me to where I want to be and keep me there.

So, on to true fitness. At least, that is how I am looking at it. I took a walk this morning. Not a huge one, but a walk to the swan pond with Dog. I want to keep a minimum of exercise going but not pushing myself. I was tired yesterday in the afternoon, and a bit weaker in the file room as the day went on but nothing drastic. I am focusing on learning to fuel the body right now. But I do not want to lose the discipline of regular exercise. So, I will still do something each day, and at the normal times that I exercise. If I feel weak, I will do less. But keep the habit going.

I am sipping my blended coffee protein shake with MANY THANKS to Laura for the idea. I blended coffee with ice and my protein powder. It is good. I did not so much miss my coffee yesterday because I had chai tea, which I love. This program is very do-able for me. I have already cooked up a supply of protein. I have eggs, broccoli, and lettuce ready. And cheese. I am not going off the charts with fats. I am using the olive oil and 2% on the cheese, 4% on the cottage cheese. I want my fats, but I don't want to overdo it. Olive oil is a healthy fat. I hope that's not a bad idea.

I feel optimistic this morning. Not deprived, not worried I can't do this. I don't think I could have done in the beginning. But since I already have the discipline of planning, tracking and following a plan, however loosely, it is not a rude shock on me to do it. And the food is normal food that I enjoy eating and am used to having as the main part of my diet.

We will see how I feel later. I feel like I am detoxing and getting rid of the bloat and gain from July. It is a good feeling. FINALLY, what a relief.

Later Update - I actually went to the gym for a workout around 4:30. It was great. 3 pm seems to be my trouble zone. After hanging out avoiding food, I decided to go somewhere, leave the house. I ended up at an auto parts store near the gym to replace a headlight. After the nice man put it in for me I felt so happy I popped over to the gym. It is post dinner time and I feel good. Satisfied. There is this short period at the end of meals where I want to go on eating or I want something, like a carb, maybe..hee hee. But it goes away after a while. Especially if I just get busy, drink water and distract myself...

Friday, September 19, 2008

Carb Depleted Girl

It is around 3 the afternoon of Day One. In addition to carb depletion I may have a little bit of caffeine depletion going on. I have replaced my coffee beverages which include milk, etc. (carbs galore) with plain tea - black tea, chai, herbal ginger, etc. I like tea so it is not a huge thing. But I have my moments. Funny how I associate my creamy coffee and my frozen coffee with certain things.

Food has been exact as to plan. I started craving a meal about a half hour ago, shortly after lunch but I staved it off with hot tea. I really want my protein shake but I am going to hold off. I have three more meals, basically - the shake, then dinner, then a snack. When I look at the plan it looks like plenty of food. But I am starting to feel the depletion. I feel a little bit like I am going to wilt.

I have only done two File Room trips due to circumstances beyond my control - work deadlines and school nurse trip. I felt fine in the a.m. but this past one felt a little harder. I am focusing more on sticking to the food plan rather than getting tons of exercise during this week one. But I want to keep up some kind of minimum just to maintain my habit of exercise itself.

Gotta run, work is very busy...probably a good thing..less time to ponder missing carbs! It feels good to be doing this plan, doing something new, something drastic. I think weight loss and fitness has become a hobby.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Prepped and Ready

I bought the book. I bought the groceries. I read, am still reading the book. I planned my meals tomorrow and packed for work. Tommorow I start the Crack the Fat-Loss Code 8 week cycle. I got overwhelmed for a while getting ready. I am excited about it actually. If I just focus on one day at a time I don't get overwhelmed. I have what I need for tomorrow, and probably the weekend. I am mentally ready. I have followed South Beach phase one which is a carb reduction plan, so I have an idea what to expect in the beginning.

I need to go to bed. I plan to keep up with exercise since I don't do that much anyway. I am very tired today for some reason. I can expect to be tired with the diet change as well. I am following Laura's lead on this. She has results....the kind I want!! I have been stalled with my gain for over a month, going on two. I want get moving and get to a goal. In a healthy way, of course. So this program teaches a lifestyle, eventually, and that's what I like. I like education about nutrition and realistic food plans.

So tomorrowFriday - is day one.

More will be revealed.

In a Good Space

I feel recovered from my sugar episode. No damage on the scale but it lingers in my appetite. Yesterday I went to the gym after work. That was a great way to transition into the evening. I was pretty hungry when I got home but I ate raw broccoli, veggie "chicken" patty and an apple and felt pretty good. I don't recall if I had anything else. That would be miraculous. The workout was a boost at the end of the day. I may try to do that more often. Since the gym is close, and on the way home I was not later than six thirty getting home.

I am in a good space mentally and emotionally. I have been very productive at work, my attention span seems to be better lately. I am not wallowing so much in the "bad relationship" past. I talked to a friend last night who is a little older than me. She had been finding herself going over regrets of past jobs and the years she spent in them. I said I'd been doing the same with relationships. She laughed happily and said she'd already done that, and it would pass! It made me feel good. I have been isolating a bit and not talking to people much. I think I felt shame over the getting back with the Weed. I need to get over that. That is what the therapist is for.

So, on I go with my packed healthy food. Albacore tuna, salad greens, a green pepper, some yellow squash, my trusty high fiber cereal with low fat milk. Giving myself a clean slate. This crisp fall morning is too bright to doom myself with negative thoughts!!

More will be revealed...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


For some reason while watching the stock market crash on Monday night, I reached for food, frozen yogurt, then ice cream (I guess it was only a matter of time --since I had it in the house for the first time in months) and tortilla chips....sheesh. I am not even heavily into the stock market.

Anyhow. . I am back on track. Yesterday was weird, too, stayed home with sick daughter.

I am not defeated yet. Had to be accountable.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Moving Forward

Today I cooked a very nice homey dinner for my daughter and a couple of her friends and my grandson. We all sat down to the table together. It was really nice. I made a pork roast with potatoes and carrots, and some green beans on the side. Hot french bread. Also, baked beans. Then I baked brownies for dessert to be served with ice cream and hot fudge. I had a lean slice of the roast and green beans with salad greens. No baked beans, or bread, but a couple of small pieces of potato and a few slices of carrot. I did not touch any aspect of the brownies, ice cream or fudge. No licking batter spoons, no nibbling crumbs, no nothing. Not a drop. That's the thing, stuff like that needs to stay completely off limits,

I did not miss it or crave it. I was happy to serve it to guests but it did not exist for me. I like that feeling. I like being in this place with food. I did not eat much at dinner so a little while later I had salmon with peas. I measured. I enjoyed it. I feel good. Sticking with lean protein and staying off the high sugar, processed grains, etc. is so helpful to staying on track. It feels great. I am in a better mood today than I have been for a while.

This morning started off so weird. I was going to get my sugar free light blended coffee and when I pulled in the parking lot the Weed was pulling across and almost cut me off. He stopped and let me go by. He looked straight at me and I tried to figure out if it was him. I hoped it was not. I was in the drive through and he called. He was all pleasant. I got off the phone pretty quick. I texted him and told him I still get a bad feeling of anxiety over him, that I have not felt the same since that Sunday, and to ignore me next time. During the short conversation he was so pleasant I almost considered seeing him. I shuddered at the thought afterward though. And I felt all scared, creeped out and traumatized. The man may not mean harm but he triggers the feelings of all the bad stuff I ever experienced in my entire life with men. It was that way last summer and it is that way now.

After the text I drove to the river. I felt better. I went to my trusty coffee shop, where I have not been in a very long time. The girl who works there was so nice, and seemed genuinely happy to see me, and asked me how I'd been. We had a pleasant chat about her hair. It felt like home. I even got custody of the comfy couch. I sat and wrote on my laptop. Started my Internet dating blog. I relaxed and read my meditations. I lounged. I felt like my old self. I velt very good. And I still feel good. I feel healed somehow. Whole again.

There was something defining about the passing of the Weed this morning. And my ability to articulate how I felt and tell him in my own way to leave me be. I am finished with trying to have nice endings to bad stories. I am finished wanting things to be "all right" when they are not. I am very OK with giving up on certain people. Very. There are so many people who I feel good around, who are kind to me and make me feel really good. Why waste another moment on anyone who triggers a lifetime of grief? Sheesh..

I am sore today from my File Room Workout. See the tally on my physical challenge blog if you are interested. I did not work out today. I relaxed. I relished the day. It was a day of feeling a sense of home, a sense of family, a sense of belonging in my own life. A day of enjoying being away from home and being home. A cozy day with a roast cooking in the oven and kids laughing and joking and having fun. A day of nourishing others while taking care of me.

I'm writing more. And feeling creative. There is movement in me. A turning away from the old and moving forward. I feel it. It is a mellow feeling of excitement. And a feeling of well being. I am going to savor it.

More will be revealed.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Bring Back the Drastic

I decided to set some goals. One is to move forward with a more diligence with daily food plans and start losing again. Two is to challenge myself physically on a regular basis. I am interested in what my body can do. I like feeling strength and agility. I have been in a slump and gained some weight back from when I hit my normal BMI. Now I want to get moving again. It would be easy to stay where I am but for now I believe staying where I am will turn into a slow and steady gain. Plus, I get a sense of purpose from losing. I like it. It is like making good grades in college. I am not ready to graduate. I am not ready to let go.

I read about compulsion a while back in the book When Food is Love so I understand that some of what I am feeling as a sense of purpose could be compulsive. I want to keep that in mind and ponder it. But for now I believe my goals are healthy. I want to lose more weight to get back down to the normal BMI and then lose some additional weight to allow for fluctuation. I want a comfort zone. Teetering on the edge of overweight/normal BMI is not comfortable for me. It feels like living on the edge. I'd like to distance myself more from the overweight zone. Not too much, but a safe distance. My new goal puts me at a BMI of 23. Since 25 is the overweight point. I think that puts me at a reasonable distance. If I find that I am a comfortable/safe size at a higher weight I may adjust the goal. I will just see what my body does. My mini goal is to get back into the 140's, and then a series of mini goals follow - to get to the mid-140's, the lower 140's and peek at the 130's.

I want to make this fun and interesting without becoming obsessive about numbers and such. But speaking of numbers, it's only 16 pounds, and I have lost 52 already. I will have lost a third of my body weight if I get there, but that's not a requirement. Right now I have lost a fourth of my body weight which is a cool thing to ponder. But like I said, just numbers.

I like seeing what this changing body can do physically. I don't want to be a buff body builder, but I'd like see if I can do a pull up. Little things like that. Like the push ups. Simple things. It makes my brain feel good to exercise. It chases off my depression and it gives me confidence. So small challenges can bring steady rewards. I want to use the scale for a measurement and staying in reality, but the non scale rewards are much more fun to realize.

I want to make peace with myself for the gain and move on. Even though it is smaller in comparison to the old days, I still have the same basic struggle with myself about food. I plan to eat less but then I eat more. I plan to pass up certain foods but later I reach for them, in smaller amounts. It foils my plans. I used to be very conflicted about it and upset. Since I am dealing in smaller amounts and less often, now when I do it, it is more of an "oh well" or a "I'll eat better tomorrow" or a "no big deal" kind of thing. But this last fluctuation has me concerned. I have begun to feel disappointment with myself, and fear. Fear is the worst. It is rooted in a lack of trust. Trust in me. All the "no big deals" are adding up into a crisis of confidence.

I need to build up my trust in me. Be true to myself. Get serious. Something like that. I will start with a healthy food plan that promotes steady blood sugar levels and does not produce cravings. Like South Beach phase one, or the low glycemic format. Whole grains, if grains at all. Lots of raw veggies and lean protein. I know what foods make me want more food. I need to make sure I am prepared with supply on hand of the good stuff. And, I need to measure. I measure often but not all the time. I also write out a plan and tally during the day but it all ends when I leave work most of the time. So I will get myself a small note pad and keep it with me. Simple, easy, basic. And just DO IT.

As Helen would say, it's time to get Drastic. I miss the Drastic. Let's bring it back.

This is turning into a late night ramble now so I better go to bed.

New Blog

I created a new blog at this same address so that I could use the upgraded version to display pictures, etc. My old one is still here - just click my profile and it shows up. I wanted to display visuals of before and after, muscle vs. fat and do other things my old version could not do. I hope this works out. I've been struggling with the old one for a while. I am still working on the layout and experimenting and learning. Let me know how you like the new version. It's a work in progress, like me!

Sleep is so important. Yesterday I had only about 4.5 hours the night before and I fell prey to a sugar craving late afternoon. I had sugar and caffeine and I know why. It did not constitute a binge, it was just something I did not plan, and to make up for it I ate less the rest of the day. Me and the scale ignored each other this morning. Not a big deal.. I sabotaged myself with the afternoon coffee because then when I went to bed I had trouble falling asleep even though I was exhausted. I know there is a direct relationship between sleep and appetite, weight loss/gain - for me anyway.

More will be revealed..