Wednesday, December 14, 2011

4th Day

It is the fourth day of my food change.  It has been easy.  I was sick to my stomach the night of the first day but I don't believe that was related. The good news was the next day I did not go for sugars and comfort foods like I used to do when sick.  I eased back into food and ate wisely according to my parameters. 

What I find is that I don't have any carb cravings when I eliminate certain foods, and I feel more relaxed and calm.  And focused.  Eating carbs and sweets is distracting.  Sometimes I feel like I am missing something in my diet, I miss fruit but I will add that back in later on after this two week stabilization period.  When I feel like I am missing something it is really the recreational aspect of eating, so I reach for a book or do something.  Or I have a drink of water or a cup of tea.  I am not missing nutrition because I am getting enough of that.  It is the habit of snacking.  It has been quite easy. 

I prefer eating like this. So I will keep on doing it!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

MIA and Blog Trouble

I haven't blogged in two months. Then I had trouble getting in because I did something and it told me to use a new browser. I don't like this new upgrade but mainly because I have to adjust to using it.

I do like that I am giving myself two weeks of South Beach phase one prior to Christmas.  I gained at Thanksgiving and instead of it coming right back off  it has stayed. So I am inspired to do something permanent.  Move forward.  Let go of old ways.  I love the reading at the link below.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

This is me before going to church on Sunday. I was smiling at the cat who was walking up to me.

I have lost six pounds, rather slowly, but steadily. I don't know why I have not been blogging. One thing I noticed was that when I was too focused on losing, I got stalled. When I got more active and diverted my attention from losing (but while applying the principles that work) and had some fun, I lost. I have been swimming and steaming at least once/twice and sometimes three times a week. I love it. I also did volunteer work three Mondays in a row where I went with a group to various locations of homeless camps in the city, and brought food, clothing and blankets. I missed this week because grandson had therapy, but I fully intend to go back. I missed the people we visit. I want to know how they are doing. This experience has enriched me and taken the focus off of the day to day me things. I also have been dating a guy but not seriously yet. We have had some fun and connect on a few different levels. It has been fun. I am still "looking" though and may be meeting another guy. I am trying to meet men that I can connect with on a spiritual level. I find when I do that, even if the relationship does not work out, I am still better off than before I met them because I learn things. I am still taking long walks on my lunch hours, working hard at the office. I have also begun seeing a chiropractor, my shoulder has been tingling. I am going to give him a chance. He is holistic and treats other conditions. I am keeping an open mind. I also have a church buddy. She is a friend I have made in the past year. We have gone to two different churches together and have decided to stick with one of them for a bit. It is nice not to go alone. We have basically the same feelings toward religion. Her husband is not interested in going, so it fulfills a need for both of us.

I guess I am getting balanced, being mindful and growing in one way while shrinking in another! I think there's a correlation here somewhere.

More will be revealed....

Monday, September 12, 2011


Many thanks to Vickie for reminding me that I have not blogged in two weeks. I have lost a few pounds, though. I have been swimming, walking and using the cardio/weights at the gym regularly for exercise. I am not sure why the weight dropped, except that my food volume may have dropped slightly. I kept wondering why the weight was at a stand still. I hope I have some momentum now and can keep it moving. I certainly do not want to gain my little loss back. So I keep moving. The weather is cooler and that allows for more outdoor time.

More later when I have time...

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Water Therapy

I have not been able to take a trip to the waterfalls for a couple of weeks. I was going through water withdrawal, so I decided to pay for a year at a certain club where I have a lifetime membership. My dues are very reasonable. I can now use the pool and steam room on my way home from work. It is wonderful. It is a full service gym, but I like my other gym better for cardio and weights. I love having the pool and steam room. I have been twice this week already.

My back was hurting last week from sitting at the computer and being tense. I felt that swimming would loosen it up after a long day at work, and it does. I am so happy I did this for myself. I love to have variety in my exercise routine. I do hope to go back to the falls again a few times before the season is over. There is nothing like the falls. The pool/steam room therapy will work for now.

Friday, August 19, 2011


Two weeks went by fast. I had a nice little waterfall session the night before my birthday and then on birthday morning. But I got depressed later that day, finding myself alone at home with nothing to do. It was weird. I had changed plans and come home early and.... Anyway, it matters not, that is ancient history. I have been plugging along working very hard. Week after birthday there was some work stuff going on, layoffs on the horizon, and other unrest. It came after 2nd quarter earnings report. I have been practicing my positive thinking and still enjoying my job. It took a couple of days to adjust, though.

Kids are back in school, and we have been doing some family bonding. My real birthday celebration was going out for dinner and frozen yogurt with the kids and then coming back and playing rock band on the wi. It was fun. Last night we did dinner again and took daughter's boyfriend. We are going to make it a practice at least every couple of weeks even if it is just out to the frozen yogurt spot. Or a dog walk, etc.

Food and exercise are the same. I am in maintenance again but mostly focused on keeping myself on an even emotional deal.

More later..

Thursday, August 4, 2011


I like to look back a year once and a while and see where I was. Last year at this time we were still finishing up my mother's move after my father's death. I had not started my regular walking yet, which is one of the things that drew me out of that deep depression. But I was getting close. I had ordered some HCG, I had tried the Body for Life and other somewhat drastic measures but could not stick with them. I was frustrated.

I am grateful today that I have more self-acceptance and that I took measures to address my depression, even though it was a slow progress. I have not given up on losing the last 10 or 20 pounds. And I believe I can. I am grateful that I have made some major positive changes in the past year. Changing jobs was one of them. Finding some spiritual guidance was another. There are several. They address my daily well-being emotionally and spiritually.

Yesterday was another balanced day. I went to the gym on my way home. I am looking forward to going on my little birthday getaway. I am meeting a man who lives near my friend's house. That might be interesting. And I get to go to the falls and clear my mind, and heal.

I took this picture last year when I out hiking in the fall. That was a nice phase in my life. It was solitary and I remember feeling a little lonely doing all those hikes alone, but it was meditative, and part of my healing process. I like pictures of paths, roads, walkways - symbolic of looking forward, staying on a path, and the excitement of new discoveries ahead.

More will be revealed!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Yesterday was a non-scale victory. I got a tenant call about the AC and it ended up being a very expensive and involved problem with the furnace blower. There was talk of a new furnace. I was confused and alarmed, and had that financially threatened, fear filled, alone feeling. I made several calls (I needed an intervention!), some to friends and some to friends of heating and cooling companies. I went home and relaxed. I did not overeat the entire day. I stayed true to myself! I dealt with the stress by talking to people, e-mailing, and relaxing in front of some of my favorite comedy in the evening. I did not expect too much of myself, I simply wanted a better state of mind. Today I got up early and contacted another company, got a second opinion, felt comfortable with them and the work will be completed tomorrow. The tenants have a room unit in the larger room downstairs and their Aunt lives nearby so they are okay. I am getting it fixed as quickly as possible but I did not panic and was not at the mercy of the first company I used. I feel relieved today but I am not doing the relief eating (a/k/a the "afters"?) either. I am being balanced.

Yes, it is expensive, but it is my responsibility and it is part of owning property. I rest in knowing I did my best, and I have a solution. And, I did not eat as a coping mechanism. My friend the scale was back down today, still playing with those two pounds, but not entirely dependent on what the scales says. I felt leaner last night and today.

So happy happy furnace fixing to me!

More will be revealed!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Cooling my Thoughts

I am doing better, but frustrated with the scale. I still weigh every day to keep myself out of denial but it frustrates me to see no results. It takes longer to compensate for bad choices and balance things out. And, I have not changed my habits enough. I am having body image issues and distorted thinking. But, I did go to the gym last night in spite of not wanting to go. I am not eating the nuts anymore.
It is horribly hot, so this picture from an April snow - snow covered tree blossoms makes me feel cool. That was a lovely morning, sun shining on the snow making it sparkle, and the cool clear air and bright blue sky. I'd like to go back there right now and sit. I need to be patient, but firm with myself. I have to make better choices and keep trying even though my body fat feels like an immovable force. I have to stop giving it so much power!! I need to cool it with the thinking and relax, take a deep breath. A deep, cool breath.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Trail Mix

I hate trail mix, because every so often I trick myself, or lie to myself that I can eat it because nuts are good for me. My office mate had a bag of a very healthy, organic, no salt, etc. trail mix. She left it out for me because I was working late. She kept it on her desk for me and over several days I ended up eating all of it. I my two pounds back, I bought some to replace her back and I ended up opening it and eating the walnuts and pecans out of it and some tried blueberries. On what would have been perfect food days, I lost nothing.

This is making me sick. This nut thing. I am the nut. I cannot have nuts around. They have to be in something that I get somewhere else. If I buy a supply that I want to use to put in things, I eat them all. Who would think unsalted, raw nuts would become mini binge food? I am mad at myself but I have to forgive myself and move on. NO more nuts, this is enough. I have always had problems with them - lack of self control.

I hate when I sabotage myself when I am doing good. Anyway, I went to the gym yesterday so I had my three gym days this week, I am just frustrated that I have NO results and instead a setback because of nuts. It makes me nuts..

Today is a new day.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Little Breaks

Yesterday was a very stable food day. I used my daily readings all day long to remind myself to go to the peaceful places of my mind. And, to go to the positive thoughts whenever negative thoughts intruded. It is becoming more of a habit. I am getting better at it. I love summer foods, like cucumbers and tomatoes. I believe that cucumbers keep me feeling full. I love them with tomatoes with some red wine vinegar, black pepper and a pinch of Parmesan cheese. I also love berries, of all kinds. Tonight is gym night and I packed my clothes so I can stop on my way home. The heat index has deterred my daily walks, but I have gone shorter distances to keep the habit of taking an outdoor break. I also look at pictures, like this one, and use visualization for a mini-break. My work gets tedious, and I need little breaks, instead of little snacks. I believe I used to reach for food at times when all I really needed was a break, a diversion, a rest, or even a drink of water!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Letting go of Old Beliefs

One of my newer meditations (I make them up myself) is visualizing I am a butterfly flitting from flower to flower on a warm, soft, sunny day. It works for me. I invent my own meditations to work in different situations. I read an article about beliefs this morning - as they relate to weight loss. I still have some self defeating beliefs about food, my body, and weight loss. I am going to focus on letting go of them this week. I can recognize them when they come up and find positive ways to let them go. I can replace them with a new statement, I can blow them away and watch them drift off into the sunset. I am creative, so surely I can come up with all kinds of fun ways to do this!

I went to the gym last night after working late, and NOT feeling like going. But I was SO glad I went. What a mental boost. I still fell asleep at a decent hour and slept very well.

More will be revealed!!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Letting Go of Old Stuff

In the interest of moving forward and clearing away the past - Today I am cleaning my room. FINALLY. It is an important part of leaving my years of depression behind. I am throwing away, and giving away, things that I no longer want, use, or need. I need space, I need to be lighter. This is the from the inside out project. The inside of my room, the inside of me. There is a realationship. I don't need to hang on to all of this stuff, some of it is just trash. My food today is very nice. I feel hopeful and calm. As I go through things I am aware of feelings, but they can drift away after I feel them. I have felt some sadness, some anger, some loneliness, but they are only feelings and I let them drift away. I have on some comforting old black and white movie in the background. It's cool in here, away from the toxic air outside.

There is so much stuff, I may not get through it all in one day, but I am making progress and not giving up. I am happy to be doing it, and I am not rushing myself.

More will be revealed.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Triggers and Mindfulness

I had a couple of diversions. One was in the evening, at the end the day I picked up the car. I can easily see that was one of those post stress moments, but there were also a couple of dietary triggers in the mix. I can now plan better.. The next was the following day, in response to an ice cream social at work. I made a conscious decision to eat the ice cream which is a conscious decision to set myself back. It is more than just the serving of ice cream because I know that there are other consequences. I believe it was the "oh wells" that came after the diversion from the night before. But I am not doing that today.

My daily word mediation yesterday was about resilience, getting up after a fall to keep on going. So that's what I am doing, as I continue to observe the triggers in my life and find new ways to respond. I was talking to a friend yesterday about "stopping" and what I said was I don't believe I ever just "stop" a behavior without substituting it with something new. I want to focus on the new. My meditation today was about turning points when we change, stripping away the old self with it's old practices and being clothed with the new. I can strip away the old reactions and responses and put on my new habits.

I am experiencing a turning point. I feel different. This has been evolving. I went through some darker times and have emerged. I am still getting to know this newer, changed me. It is not that easy to articulate. I notice how I react to situations and I see how I have changed for the better. Not always with the food, but in the bigger picture of taking care of myself emotionally, I am finding my way. The food will follow. I believe that today. I have noticed there there are some things that I simply do not do anymore, and even better, I don't even think about doing them. The behavior has simply disappeared! If this can be so with some behavior, surely the food behaviors can also disappear. This is how my faith works.

Getting to the mindfulness, I take myself to the waterfalls in my mind and try to get as close as I can to that state of mind I had Monday evening after sitting in the falls. I want to go back to the real falls more often, so the memory of that feeling won't fade. I can emerge from that meditative state and observe my present circumstances with a calm and focused mind. I can stay in the moment. This, and my daily readings are my mainstay for my mental/emotional/spiritual diet.

More will be revealed.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Clearing My Mind

Yesterday morning we found a car. I negotiated the deal and it needed some work so I did not have to do anything more on that project until this afternoon. I had a little time where I did not absolutely have to do anything. Sure, there was the usual, the messy room, and other projects, but I did not have to do them so I decided to go to my mind clearing, healing place. The waterfalls near my friend's house where I took my grandson and his friend. It was pretty spur of the moment, but I'd had it in the back of my head in case I had the time. I took off around 2:30 and I was walking the path to the falls by 5 p.m.

I am SO glad I did it. There is something about sitting in the falls with the water rushing around me. It drowns out all the sounds of the other people around, and the noise of my thoughts. I stayed for three hours. I swam, and I climbed, and I sat in the pools beneath the falls where the water bubbles and rushes. I let the falls massage my back and neck. I meditated. I healed. I felt absolutely sedated afterward. It is my spa.

I spent the night at my friend's house. We visited before I went to bed. I went to the barn while they fed and rounded up the herd of 32 goats. I slept very well. In the morning I had coffee with my friend, and then I went back to the waterfalls. I only had about an hour, and I spent it taking photos, swimming and some waterfall sitting. I was one of the first ones to arrive and it was very quiet. What a perfect way to begin a day!

My food has been good. I am keeping the two pounds off and hoping to move ahead this week with a little more. My exercise for today and yesterday was rock climbing and swimming, plus the walk to and from the river. I want to go to the falls in my mind when I need to retreat and clear my thoughts. I am going to practice this.

More will be revealed.

Sunday, July 17, 2011


Last night at a birthday BBQ I ate cucumber tomato salad while others were eating birthday cake!!! Yahoo for me. I lost two pounds this week. This morning I went to the gym and had a very nice workout. I am glad to get back to it. We have been car hunting with no luck, but I realized last night that I am good at this and not willing to settle. We only need to find one car. I can do this. Daughter gets stressed but I stay positive and very encouraging.

So today is devoted to taking care of myself and maybe some cleaning and organizing.

More will be revealed.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Staying Motivated

I had my bigger breakfast again today. Yesterday worked out well, meaning I stayed with my plan all day. In the evening we went to car lots. It was a bit depressing because there is nothing much, if at all, in our meager price range. It takes more searching. I suppose that was my workout. Getting kind of frustrated, but I know that I will have more time to myself this weekend, and being off Monday and Tuesday, to workout.

I want to stay motivated even if I do not get results right away. I do not like that I have gone all week without a workout. I have not even taken my walks at work because the car business has impacted my work schedule and I have been staying in for lunch so I can arrive late/leave early, etc. I know I can get back to normal soon, but it makes me uneasy.

Just checking in really, have to get back to work. Drinking herbal tea has helped feel satisfied in between meals. Bigger meals also help staying satisfied longer. And, Vickie is right, the evening is emotional eating time. I need to work on that, to get better evening balance.

More will be revealed!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Prepared and Somewhat Hopeful

I looked at a car last night after work, grocery shopped, and did not have time make it to the gym. I sacrificed the gym because I could go tonight. We were out of food. I was exhausted. I needed to go to bed at a decent hour. So many conflicting priorities. Grocery shopping is a work out of sorts, but not like my gym workout. I feel like a blob, though. Even though in reality, I am not a blob. A little padded, but not a blob. I only feel like one. And feelings can change. Sometimes with the blink of an eye, and a deep breath.

I bought healthy food, and came home to chop and cook. Today's breakfast is oat bran with blueberries, one egg, poached with spinach. I am hoping this is a good way to start the day. It is still a little short of three hundred calories, but seems to be packed with good nutrition and no bad stuff.

Lunch is salad greens, chicken breast, tomatoes and cucumber with a red wine vinegar, cracked pepper mix, and a little Parmesan. I have Greek yogurt and flax flakes with more blueberries. I so hope this is a good plan. It is better than yesterday. I am drinking lots of water, and have cut the caffeine way down.

I feel prepared, a little timid, slightly frustrated (I weighed myself this morning) but hopeful. Working on my positive thinking....

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Curly Girl, Breakfast and Brand New Day

Last night I went to an event at a salon for "curly girls" and this is my "after" picture. I almost did not go, but a friend invited me and I wanted to stop by and meet her and one of her other friends. I did not feel so good, and did not like what I was wearing, so I was not prepared for all the attention. They ended up doing a before and after pic and spending a couple of hours on my hair, for free, but I bought stuff afterward, of course. The good part about this is that I showed up and participated in spite of the urge to start hiding out again. The not so good part is that I did not get to shop for food because I got home way later than planned.

So, today I had no time to fix breakfast and none of my easy stuff to bring, so I stopped and got an egg white spinach feta wrap at a somewhat trustworthy spot where I get coffee.

I looked it up when I got to work, and it had good protein but the wrap put it over the top on carbs and sugar, why sugar in a wrap? Please. But it was a bigger breakfast and I feel satisfied. I brought lunch and have a safe place to get food nearby if I need to get dinner.

I meet my workout buddy tonight for a more challenging workout. I still feel bloated but drinking tons of water. Wish the food had been perfect for breakfast, but glad I got something, and that I know what I ate. I am committed to daily posts.

Here's to moving on! I'm a little scared and appreciate all the support!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Fed Up, Refreshed, Bloated, and Accountable?

I am fed up with going up and down. It's the food, not the exercise, for sure. I just dawdle around and then cut loose in the evening. I keep track all day and then act as if nothing counts at night. I am not crazy horrible with food but certainly not doing enough to lose anything, or keep from fluctuating up and down 3 pounds here and there. I must get serious, dedicated and enjoy making a REAL change.

So, I want to be accountable. Even if no one reads. I am going to track online. I will make it easy, I will track calories per meal. Breakfast was 250. I will check in soon with the lunch tally. Or later with a daily tally. And blog in the evening.

I had a wonderful trip over the weekend, with my grandson and one of his friends for his birthday. We went to stay at my friend's house in the country, near a park with waterfalls. The river runs through large rocks and forms a wonderful natural water park. We also visited another state park with huge rocks. They played like kids, even though they are teenagers! We spent two nights, and they played board games and watched kid movies. My friend baked a birthday cake and made a special dinner. It was very nice especially because both of grandson's parents are in jail now and we seem to be short on family members. I got exercise in the water at the park and in my friend's lap/wave exercise pool.

Now to get serious on the whole food deal. Really, honestly, I MUST.

Update, after reading Vickie's post (wish I could link) I now realize I need to adjust the WHAT I eat drastically. I am out of touch with the whole and clean eating. I think I am eating ok but usually it involves some level of processed food. So I am going natural and pulling out the books to refresh my memory!

In keeping with the accountability - I had a high protien 210 calorie lunch. I will supplement with a boiled egg in a couple of hours. I am very bloated today after a fruit/sugar/carb fest last night. Daughter had a car accident while we were on our wonderful trip. I dealt with it very well but there were many post accident things to do yesterday. She got a ticket, on top of the whole ordeal. And we need to replace the car. She was not hurt, and that's the most important thing of all. No one was, and the car that hit her left the scene. Anyhow, eating mega-carbs does not make it better. It only inflates my body. I am flushing the toxins today with water.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Stalling but not too bad

Okay, I don't have huge momentum, but I do have stability. I also have poison ivy! My food has improved but not much more than required for maintenance. I have the evening struggle and it seems the evening workout sometimes ups the appetite. I need strategies for that. I do feel upbeat most of the time with the exception of a slight dip while taking the benedryl for the ivy itching. My dating the ex is not a positive, either so I am trying to give that up, always reminds me of why he is my ex! The new date is a fizzle cuz I am not attracted to him, but he is to me and that doesn't feel right at all. I do like him, though, but no attraction in the romantic way.

So, tonight is gym night and I look forward to my workouts. I do pushups now and a little yoga in the private room around the corner from my office. No big weight loss to speak of so I know that means I eat too much or not the right stuff. But my body feels good and I see muscle tone where it was not so good before. I am even liking my arms better. So improvement is positive.

Okay, I got an itch and I need to go use the ivy cream/spray quick. Scratching is not allowed!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Day 3

It is the morning of day three and I have lost back two pounds. I was not doing as well as I wanted with my food but apparently I am doing well enough. I struggle with the evening, but I find if I keep busy and have exercise in the evening I do better. I took some allergy medicine at night that made me drowsy, and made me do that weird night eating. But I had strawberries instead of cereal, which used to be my night eating food. I cannot take sleep meds, or anything that makes me drowsy, without having night eating. It is as if it lowers my inhibitions and I succumb to cravings that may even be produced by the meds. I can take melatonin, which helps aid sleep, without that effect.

My exercise has been wonderful. Monday I walked at lunch, had a gym workout after work, and then a brisk walk in the night after the heat cooled down. Yesterday I had a short walk at lunch, and then dance class - an hour of learning to waltz - in the evening. Learning to waltz used far more muscle than I thought, and had an aerobic impact, too! Plus it was fun! I work my abs every morning and sometimes in the evening. I did an upper body workout this morning. My upper arms are very challenging right now. So I am targeting them. The muscle response is not what it used to be when I was even just a few years younger. So I will work harder!!

I am enjoying ways to add exercise while having fun. Tonight I may go to the botanical garden for walking after work. If not, it will be a gym night. In fact, it could be both. I'll see how I feel. There is music at the garden at 7:30.

Food has improved because I am planning. I sketch my food intake every morning. I have some flexibility. I need to make sure I do not under plan and shoot for too little food because it sets me up for off plan snacking and last minute choices. I like to have my stomach empty before the next meal. Some stomach growling is a sign I am actually hungry, and not just wanting to eat. It takes time to adjust to eating less, I recall from past successful weight loss, and the urge to supplement the day's food will leave me if I hang in there and don't give in. But I need to make sure I am eating enough and at steady intervals. This will lesson the impact and keep the craving down.

So, I am off on an adventure of new activity. The dance class went better than I though. Being coached by my Saturday night date was helpful. The teacher was very sweet. I was the only true beginner so she let me pick whether we started with waltz or cha cha. I picked waltz because I had more practice. This weekend my "coach" will prep me for cha cha, I hope! We plan to see each other on Saturday or some time over the weekend. I am taking this Summer dating scenario slow. Much, much slower than my Spring romance.

Today's menu includes salmon, fresh greens, Greek yogurt, scrambled eggs with hot sauce, chicken breast and veggies.

More will be revealed....

Monday, June 20, 2011

Day One

I have not counted days, or had a Day One in a very long time. Mostly because I would not get past Day Two or Three. I decided to start a program today. And have a plan each day. A measured and calculated, balanced plan, writing down everything I eat. I need some structure and accountability or I will not lose the lingering ten pounds I gained back after I got to my goal weight.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Inspiration and New Activities

My Art Museum date was far more fun than I expected. He was energetic, interesting, and funny, too. He has a degree in fine arts so he made an excellent guide! He dances, and referred me to a ballroom near where I work where they have beginner classes. I have been wanting to learn salsa, but I am signing on for the available beginner course starting next week which is Waltz and the Cha-Cha-Cha. I like the idea. Salsa would probably work better if I actually learn how to do some less complicated dancing first. So a second date is tentatively scheduled for this coming Saturday.

Anyway, the ballroom is so interesting to me. It's an old building, recently purchased by a dancer, and renovated. The instructors are older. It has a romantic and nostalgic mystique to it. I could literally live there, lost upstairs somewhere...they have a couple of apartments. So, I may like the idea of learning to dance, but some of it is I am attracted/drawn to that atmosphere. I must confess I am a bit nervous that I may not have the coordination/skill to learn. But I am going to give it my best shot, stretch myself, and have some fun.

I think I like dating. I am not taking it too seriously, looking to do fun things with people who have mutual interests. If anything else develops, I will take it slower than past whirlwind romances that seem to be based more on the physical chemistry than anything else. I also had a spur of the moment date Saturday night with my recent ex. I wanted to go hear live music, and needed an escort, which he gladly obliged. I had a nice time, but do not want to get serious with him again. He was going out of town for a week. We did not discuss the past or the future, just had a good time. We did not discuss relationship status, etc. Hopefully there will be no negative fall out from that. I know on my end, if I have no expectations, I won't be disappointed. Plus, I want to date Art/Dance guy now.

I am doing OK with food, better. And my exercise is regular and good. I am feeling inspired to try new things and have adventures!

Hope to have exciting weight loss updates in the near future!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

All is Forgiven - MOVE ON

I am using the Our Lady of Weight Loss mantra today. Monday and Tuesday were near perfect food days, but I was a pound up on Wednesday and it really ticked me off. I went to the gym, had a great workout and then went to the grocery. I set myself up by buying a box of weight loss brand ice cream bars. I NEVER do this. And here is why, by midnight I had consumed them all. I hate to admit this. It is the first time I have done this type of thing in ages. So, I have no option but to forgive myself and move on. I will drink lots of water and have a prudish eating day today.

I have an art museum date tomorrow night and I want to feel good about myself. Comfortable in my clothes and dressed for the heat because we may picnic outside afterward. I am a little nervous, it is a facebook contact who went to high school with my sister. Not sure if it is a real date, but we have not met in person. Have been communicating for months on fb. He seems fun and I was more interested in a buddy to do stuff with so it should be low key and I need to get over my feelings of not being good enough!! Good enough for what? A walk in a museum?

So, all is forgiven, move on!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Time for Commitment, and Adventure!!

OK, I have enjoyed a phase of eating basically what I want and not going over a certain ceiling weight. But I no longer want to be at this ceiling because it is too heavy for how I want to feel, and dress. I am ready for a commitment to positive change. And disciplined, mindful eating. I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore, but I will keep on writing because it has been the catalyst of positive change for me since 2006!
My workouts are going well. I now have a weekly workout date with a friend who showed me new things to do at the gym compliments of her personal trainer. I am working out more often. I am walking on lunch hours and getting busy after work as well.

It's the food now. I have not even had a plan for a long time. So I am going back to lean protein, no whites, and fresh veggies. I will sketch my day's food each morning or the night before.

I am exploring more now that I work in an interesting part of the city. I am getting brave about going out and doing new things. Saturday night I went to a Brazilian club for live entertainment which included dancing lessons. It was a good workout and fun. Last night I walked in the botanical gardens with a friend. There are things to do most nights of the week, that are free and involve moving my body!! And enriching my mind, too.

So, here is my commitment to taking care of myself by planning my food, eating less and eating better. And, to new adventures!!

More will be revealed...

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Life is Good

I have a "no-plans" weekend spread out in front of me and it feels so good. The boyfriend and I weren't very compatible afterall. After the initial infatuation period was dwindling the reality was we did not have that much in common, and there were some traits about him that I decided I did not want to experience. So, we were able to break it off without too much drama. At least I think so, I don't feel dramatic about it at all. It was tempting, though at first. I will continue to date but apply what I learned in this instance, and keep things light. The too much too soon thing does not work well for me, I find.

I had three good gym workouts this week. My food is pretty good, and I feel balanced. I feel acceptance and peace. I love that. I find that I have forgiven any and all of my ex boyfriends. This dating experienced showed me how much I have grown and healed in the past few years. It is truly amazing. I feel very good about myself. I also still love my job, now that is a MIRACLE!!!

I want to focus more on balance. I love the feeling. I had started to feel some anxiety with the relationship and that is how I knew it was not the right fit for me. Among other things. But now I feel ok. I took care of me, and was as good as I can be to the other person.

I planted flowers last weekend and have more to plant this weekend. It is too wet to get my junge of weeds cut, but I can drop in some big lillies I bought, and put in some containers of impatients.

More will be revealed!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

More Update

Here is a recent photo from when my boyfriend and I were at my friend's cabin on his birthday. For now I cropped him out. I love the picture because I was so happy that morning. We had a wonderful couple of days together even though we were both sick with colds and he had just quit smoking. We have been dating for almost two months now. I am getting adjusted to all the added activity. I like a balance. New boyfriend and new job at the same time - very exciting but big changes.

I needed some big changes. I feel much more positive. I feel like I have my personality back. At work I feel outgoing and friendly. I have my sense of humor back. Daughter and I go to the gym together at least once a week. I have been trying to go two or three times a week. I focus mostly on weight resistance there and get my cardio by walking on my lunch hour. I need to step it up a bit. Boyfriend likes to take me out to eat often and thankfully I have not gained weight because most of the time I make wise choices.

I am learning how to date and be myself with someone. I can honestly say that no matter what happens with this relationship, I feel fantastic about myself right now. I have come a long, long way.

Monday, May 9, 2011


It has been too long. I have been very busy with new job, kid stuff and dating. I have been maintaining my loss of about 5 or 6 pounds. I'd like to lose a few more, even though this current size is very easy to maintain, it is just a smidge too big. I'd be more comfortable with a few more inches off. My doctor again told me that I am at a good weight (perfect, he says, that's why I love him!) but I want to feel lean and I am not there yet. I have been going to the gym regularly, but last week was so busy I did not get there at all. I don't like it when that happens. My commute is much longer now so I am still adjusting and finding ways to manage my time. I listen to inspirational stuff in the car to make good use of my time to and from work.

I love the area where I work. It is alive and interesting with shops and restaurants. I also still love the job, and have now been there a month.

I have to go, though, but will make it a point to blog more. Need to get the balance. Will be working in the garden this week, putting in flowers.

More will be revealed..

Monday, April 4, 2011


I have finally broken my plateau. I have lost 7 pounds and have not gained any back. This is very good. I was stuck for months and months and months. I am keeping regular gym dates. I have finished my old job and am ready to start the new one on Friday. It feels so very good to not work there anymore. Friday was my last day and it was not until today when I went to my old favorite coffee shop to relax, that it really sunk in. It was high stress right up until the very end. In fact I worked late on my last day. A couple of the lawyers I worked with did not even say goodbye. So very glad to close the chapter on that. I feel like I am getting my old self back. I am also dating a man that I feel like I can be myself with. It feels very comfortable right now. Need to run for now, errands and a gym date. More will be revealed...

Monday, March 21, 2011

Weight Loss

I have had some weight loss in the past week. Finally back in the 150's. That is a real boost to break that plateau or barrier or whatever it was. Maybe I can move on now. I hope so.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Friday, March 11, 2011

Friday Thoughts

I have had a headache for two weeks or so. I wake up with it. I finally went to the clinic and got antibiotics and nasal spray for sinus infection. This is the time of year I get the big one. Not every year but some years. So I wish I would treat them sooner but at least I am treating it now. I stayed home from work today. So far I have kept up with my weekly minimum of workouts. I am also feeling more positive. I want to get back to the me I have been reading from a couple of years ago. That mindset was beaten down with life's unexpected events but I have been learning more forgiveness and perseverance from it. The achy head is not my favorite thing but I will rest. I will ignore the messy house, reminding myself that these things will be cleaned and organized when I feel better. I will drink water all day long and rest. That is the only thing on my agenda. Rest and gratitude and positive thinking.

I visited a friend in the hospital last night. She has been there since Monday and was there a few days last week. She was in pain and very uncomfortable. I did not know what help I could be to her but wanted to visit and do what I could. I could see she was in pain and I knew her next med dose was not for at least 4 hours so I told her there was probably a back up script in her chart in case things got bad and asked her if it was okay if I talked to the nurse. We got her a dose of something that helped her feel good enough to sleep. I stayed until she was comfortable and sleeping. I feel like I am not "there" for people much. I know how to take care of kids but not so much other adults. It was good to go and do what I could. Last week when I was looking up references to provide for this current job pursuit, I found out one of my old associates had died just this past February. I was shocked and sad. I had not been in contact for years. It made me want to do lunch with people. To stop everything and just spend a couple of weeks catching up. To stop wasting time putting things off and to stop isolating. It is real comfy isolating, though. But I have been making some calls.

I know the past two years took my way out of my comfort and routine. I had to walk through my biggest fears. Even things I never even thought about but would have feared had I thought of them. But I am still here and I still have the opportunity to share with others and build on all of my life experience.

I still love Fridays. I have neither lost nor gained weight, I guess I am maintaining. Soon I will lose those ten pounds. More will be revealed

Monday, February 28, 2011


I have been reading old posts going back to a couple of years ago. I sure was positive. Maybe I still am but I focused more on it. I want to get back to that forever grateful state of mind. It works much better. I do have much to appreciate in life. I have cooperative teenagers at home. How lucky is that? I think I take it for granted too much. And there was a time in my life many years ago when I did NOT have cooperative teenagers. We have a bump here and there but overall a very peaceful household. They are both very healthy and have a consciousness about eating right and getting exercise. Daughter has been exercising lately - she even jogged one night. Grandson is athletic and wants to study nutrition sciences.

It is almost time for me to leave for my workout. I am looking forward to it. I had a good dinner. My tummy is a little gurgly but I feel pretty good. I need to get some water because today I did not have a water supply at work and drank much less water than usual.

Perhaps each day this week I will try and post something that I am grateful for.

My food was good today. And I am getting a workout. Hooray!!

Sunday, February 27, 2011


Today I watched a movie on the cardio equipment and got in an hour and a half of nonstop cardio. My intensity varied so I could stay longer. It made me feel better mentally to get in such a good long stretch. I also got in a workout on Thursday for my "mid week" workout - did it on my lunch hour. I am glad that I did it because that was my goal for the week - to add in a workout during the week. I had a workout Saturday, too with weights and cardio. My workouts are going pretty good but I still feel like a big mushball, and my food has not been so hot.

I am keeping at it, though and never giving up.

The interview went really good. I enjoyed it. I may or may not get an offer but it made me feel very positive about my career and capabilities. I also had a phone screen with a different company on Friday that went well also. They may call me for an interview. They said their interview process is long. I honestly don't feel like more interviews even though I felt good after Wednesday's experience.

My interview suit from 2009 fit well enough, so I did not buy anything new. Did not want to spend money. And I like that pretty blue suit. If I buy new clothes it will be after losing the weight. I was happy that the suit fit because it is a 10 and I am determined never to go above a ten again.

Enough about all that. I am going to focus on sticking with my resolve about food this week. Today was a very good food day, and yesterday was good, too. I am also going to make sure I have a weekday workout. In fact, I have a special scheduled workout tomorrow because my daughter is working in the evening and I have to pick her up at nine. That gives me a perfect opportunity to leave early and have at least an hour to work out at my favorite gym.

I feel hopeful and optimistic.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Past Due Update

Long time no blog. Can't recall why. I think it started with the snowed in days right after my gym love post, and then I got sick. So I was sloppy for a couple of weeks but I did continue to go to the gym on the weekends. I want to add a mid week weight training workout on Tuesday or Wednesday. I am going to shoot for that. I can get some cardio with walking during the week but I'd like a weight night as well. I love the Saturday morning work out because I have no time constraints. I also find that I can watch movies while doing cardio and last longer because I don't get bored. Last night after work I did an hour of cardio watching an old movie. If I get interested in the movie then I am hooked and stay for the whole thing.

I like how my muscles feel after my weight workout. I feel alive and awake and connected to my body. I like how my brain feels after my cardio.

I have a job interview next week and I am going to buy a suit this weekend. My others are almost two years old and I want one in black. I should be the same size I was when I bought the old ones which is good, but lumpy here and there where I was not back then. I need to feel confident when I go to this interview. I am meeting several people. Also need to be comfortable as I will be there for a few hours.

Exercise gives me confidence.

More will be revealed.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Gym Love

My Saturday work out was wonderful. I was there for almost 2 hours. I think the good part is that I am there at 7:30 a.m and I have all the time I want. I don't have to be anywhere for hours, if at all. I did cardio and then weights and then cardio and then weights and then cardio and then weights. I love being able to take my time and not feel like I am neglecting something else in order to be there. I felt fantastic afterward. It was the best way to start the weekend. I had to paint a wall at the rental house and I was so proud of myself for doing it. It has been a productive weekend. I even cleaned a corner of the garage this morning.

I went for a short workout this evening. I got so much exercise doing chores and cleaning that I felt very active all day. I was frustrated last week because no weight came off. I have changed my diet dramatically so I expected results. I am not worried now, because the exercise has kicked in and even if the pounds take a while to come off, I know I will be getting healthier. And, if I keep up with the food changes I will get results.

We have major storm warnings. The stores were packed with people getting supplies. I went out for batteries and fire logs. I usually don't get too worried about this stuff but I wanted to be prepared. I do not want to drive in ice. The news is really hyping things up. I hope it is not that bad.

More will be revealed. . .

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Inching along

Last night I drove past the gym on my way home from work. The parking lot was crowded and I was intimidated. I did not go. Tonight I MADE myself go. I drove up and down the potholed lanes until I found a space. I went in and changed clothes, did 20 minutes of cardio, changed again, and left. It was very crowded. I don't like going when it is crowded but I went and I am glad I did. I can't believe I am this gym-adverse. I remember when I couldn't get enough of the gym. What I really want is to go in the morning. That would mean getting up very early. I doubt it is crowded at that time but then I have never been there early.

I had to do a health screening for our new insurance provider at work. I got a cholesterol test on the way to work. It was an instant read. It sucked. It was 250. The good was only 63. My good used to be higher and my bad lower. The worst part was the glucose reading at 116 and I had fasted. The nurse said to get it checked again by a lab. 116 is pre-diabetes. I was inching up before but never that high. But what can I expect? That's the reading I get from laying around and eating basically. What bothers me is that at 200 pounds my readings were better than this. Now 40 pound lighter they are worse. The slug stage must end. I am scared actually. It isn't even about what I look like anymore. It is about staying alive and feeling better.

On a happier note, my blood pressure is fantastic.

So I am going to bed and maybe, just maybe I will get up early (but then I will not have my full night's sleep, such a dilemma) and go work out. .

More will be revealed.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Long Day

I worked until a little after 7:30. Luckily I had some cottage cheese at work that I ate at around six. I came home and had my veggies and grain but need a tad more protien to go with it. I am writing a quick post. I was sore today from yesterday's workout and it made me happy. I am sad that I got off work so late that I could not go to the gym. I am so very tired right now but think that some yoga might help before bed time. I had trouble falling asleep last night and want to be careful not to do anything that would make me to awake. I was a pound down today. My food today was perfect. I am going to go to bed early so I don't do any stress eating. I felt a bit stressed when I got home because it was so late. Some days are like this and I just have to let it go. I can workout tomorrow. Right now I need rest.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

More Snow

We had a nice little snow shower today. Maybe an inch or two. Big fluffy flakes. I walked the dog in it and we had a good time. I felt like I got more of a work out in the snow. We still had seven inches on the ground from last week. I cooked all of my turkey and chicken, weighed out portions and froze them, keeping enough for today and tomorrow in the fridge. I washed, cut and bagged lettuce and baked sweet potatoes. I am ready. Today has been a good food day. I feel tired and a little crampy in my legs now but earlier I felt ok. I had some running around to do and did not get to go by the gym yet. I feel like I could fall asleep right now but I have work to do. I wonder if I am having carb withdrawal. I felt kind of moody earlier. I am eating carbs but not like I was and they are the smart carbs and not the fast acting ones.

I believe I had a pretty good night's sleep. If I get a second wind I will exercise more but right now I honestly feel like I need a nap!\

Update, after reading blogs I am at this moment putting on my shoes and GOING TO THE GYM.

Update, again - I paid my yearly dues, had a workout and took a class schedule home. Hooray!

More will be revealed..

Saturday, January 22, 2011


Tonight I bought food. Lots of it. Chicken breasts, turkey breasts, ground turkey, turkey sausage, salmon, cottage cheese. Green vegetables including lots of broccoli. Tomorrow I will cook and feeze the chicken and turkey and clean and cut the veggies. I also bought some frozen veggies. I have my whole oats. I have my boiled eggs. I am going to get my body for life for women book out and read the part about older women and our dietary needs. I went by the gym near where daughter works. It is a branch of the gym to which I belong but need to pay up my yearly dues. The guy could not figure out how to pay by the year so I will pay tomorrow at the one out here. Having one by dauther's job is perfect. I drop her off at 7:30 am, on Saturday - I can go work out directly afterward. Or I can work out before I pick her up. There is nothing to stop me. I have to be out there anyway. There is a gym by work in this same chain. And one near home. I want to enjoy working out again, and look forward to it. But for now even if I have to force myself to go I will go. I want to go I just don't feel like going if that makes sense. I feel it is almost life or death that I do this. Quality of life. Taking care of myself and so on.

More will be revealed.

Old and Fat

And lazy. This may not be a pretty post. But I find it necessary. In my forties I gained a significant amount of weight, some 40 or so pounds. At my highest weigh-in I was 209 pounds. As I began to lose I would often tell myself that I could not avoid getting old but I could do something about the fat. When I say fat I mean body fat, the real thing. I was fortunate. I took a sometimes very relaxed approach but I made steady and slow progress until I lost over 50 pounds being at my lowest maybe 146 for a fleeting moment. I felt good anywhere around the low to mid 150's but I had also worked out during these years and had some muscle. I have been told by an older friend that at our age where muscle is concerned it is use it or lose it. I do not believe I have been to the gym in six months. That is where I get my weight training. At home I have some hand weights I use but that does nothing for the rest of my body. I weigh 162 today. There is more fat there than there was a year ago. Fat that I cannot afford.

I feel tired much of the time and I am not motivated. Even though I am less than I weigh years ago at that top weight I feel perhaps as strong of a sense of crisis about this as I did then. I cannot afford this weight. And I cannot afford this lifestyle. My happiness and my health are both compromised. Would I have more energy if I changed the way I eat and worked out? I sure hope so! I believe I would. Would I have more energy if I weighed less? Yes and no. Yes if I ate healthy, no if starved or ate junk. Would I feel better in other ways? Yes.

I don't want to make excuses for my body and say "at least I kept most of the weight off" or "it is better than it was and I should appreciate it" because those lines keep me from doing anything about what is still a health problem. I notice now that when I gain my belly instantly feels it. I think of heart disease.

I need to get off my rear end literally and stop toying around. I am lucky, yes, that I only have 20 pounds to lose. Or even 15 to be a normal body mass index. But I do not want to be at the tip of the normal BMI teetering on the brink of overweight. I want to be a safe distance from overweight. Because where I am does not feel good at all. I want to raise the bar. Set a new standard and take control.

In the past year I have seen myself aging. I have been feeling like this is it. Nothing exciting will happen anymore, I will not ever fall in love or be fallen in love with again, no one takes me seriously, blah blah blah, because I am old. And, it's all over. It's all downhill. I do not know why this thinking has slithered into my head. I do not like it at all and if I think about it I don't actually believe it has to be true. But if I keep thinking it I will make it true. Exciting things can and do happen over 50. People fall in love at any age. Where is this negativity coming from? I don't even need to find the cause, I need to kick it out of my head.

I must be true to myself every day, and every decision. Sometimes I come home and night and I don't care if I gain or lose, I just want to lay down and shut out the world. I am tired from a stressful workday and I feel alone. I don't feel like going to a gym or cooking healthy food. I have to combat this. Maybe I should go to the gym straight from work and de-stress. Perhaps I should bring something I can eat for dinner to work with me. I could at least do this a couple of days a week. The kids would be fine. They are teens and sometimes they are not even home. They could make dinner. I can keep cooked chicken, boiled eggs, cottage cheese, and other lean proteins on hand at ALL times. I can steam broccoli in mass quantities. There is a way to do this.

I am tired of being tired. Something is going to change. Mentally and physically. I refuse to be "fat" and I refuse to discriminate against myself on basis of age!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


We are getting a grand snowfall tonight. I just took the dog out for a very brisk walk in it. It is so beautiful. I have always loved snow. It softens the sounds and gives a peaceful stillness. It highlights the trees and adds its own beauty. I got some exercise and I feel good. Today was a very challenging workday. But I have decided to put work behind me when I leave and find extra enjoyment in my evenings. Sometimes I feel worn out and do not want to do anything but I must do the opposite and find something to get excited about. Tonight it was the snow. Thank goodness for the snow.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Better Day

This morning I was dreaming about two cute little dogs side by side that we had adopted. They were like twins and they were constantly side by side. I woke up feeling good this morning and I had a very good day at work. I felt the opposite of yesterday. Last night I had a long talk on the phone with a friend about work and my feelings and my co-workers. I got it all out of my system. Today I felt so much better. Like a weight had been lifted. I was a pound down on the scale which was completely unexpected. My eating has changed. I have settled into my evening veggie routine and I have been taking salad as my lunch this week. I was able to do some grocery shopping over the weekend so I am better prepared. My food is not perfect but I am much happier with it now.

I am sleepy and going to bed. Sleep is a must.

Monday, January 17, 2011


This morning I was dreaming that my father was sleeping in my mother's bed. I was happy to find that out and I went into the room. I did not want to wake him. I could hear him breathing. I wanted to take off work so I could be with him. I kept wondering why it was such a big deal to hear him breathing. Then I woke up. I remembered that he died. I felt so sad. I did not want to go to work. I did not want to do anything. I felt kinda low most of the day. Work has challenges and it is lonely. I felt even more lonely after the dream. I hate that people die. I wish I could have talked to my father before he died. The last time I saw him he did not even see me really or know who I was. I cannot remember the last conversation I had with him when he knew who I was. I wish I could have spent more time with him. I wish I never had to grow up and that things had to change. I wish I was still a child living in the house where I grew up. I am tired of working and doing all these grownup things. I just want to sleep.

I had to write that down. Tomorrow is another day. I want to sleep this one off.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I made progress in some key areas yesterday -
Isolation - I attended my favorite support group meeting - Al anon and talked afterward with my good friend who also attends.
Rental property - I showed the house to an interested prospect, but also got a call from a previous prospect who wants to move in on the 5th of February. She is the niece of someone I have known for over ten years who also lives in the area. My friend is a lease administrator and negotiated a higher rent for me with her niece. We are still negotiated on the payment of the additional last month's rent requirement that I now added since people seem to like to skip the last month. There are advantages to the scenario but as with everyone else who has contacted me she has a few issues in the past with credit. She has a significant other that will also be on the lease and I meet him today. It is progress, and it makes me feel good.
Food/health - Saturdays I get up real early to take daughter to her job. I did not sleep well Friday, so after running around in the morning doing what I needed to do, I came home and took a nap. Taking a nap is big progress for me. Napping has been next to impossible in the past. It refreshed me for the rest of the day's activities. Hopefully it helped with the sleep deprived carb cravings that I get. I found myself wanting more carbs but I kept it to the good carbs.
Resisting urges - at bedtime with my yogurt I wanted graham crackers - bad idea - they are food that I recall overeating in the past. I had two. Then I remembered the icky feeling I used to have when I'd eat a whole pack, etc. The idea of eating anymore turned me off. I tried not to regret the two I had, but it felt good to be repulsed by them. They seemed like cardboard - not really food. That is what happens when I use fresh foods or foods that have little processing. The processed foods do not seem like food anymore.
Exercise - Finally resumed the dog walking. Post nap I took him for a short walk - time was limited before I had to leave to pick up daughter. I took a much longer one this morning.

I am reflecting in a healthy way over last year - seeing in what ways I grew and learned, and letting go of regrets, etc. It is a practice I do each year, my end of year review. This one is crammed with stuff but also has the opportunity to be a real triumph, depending on how I look at it.

Got to run but wanted to do my daily post.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Saturday Morning

I am at a restaurant cafe having a breakfast power sandwich with lots of protein and some coffee. I dropped daughter off at work and I have some time to kill before showing the house. I have been emotional the past couple days more than usual and reading blogs helped me remember that it happens when we stop medicating, numbing or otherwise distracting ourselves with food.

I realize I have been in a covert form of victim mode possibly since the announcement of layoffs almost two years ago when I was going to lose my job. I exacerbated it by dabbling in an icky ex boyfriend relationship off and on. My emotional reactions to some other events crossed the victim line as well. Victim = eating for me. I try hard to process what happens to me and think positive, think solution, and keep moving. But perhaps I could not keep up with the volume. I did not even see how much I was turning to food. At an intellectual level at times but I felt I was choosing it and was in control. I don't want to get caught up in too much self examination to the point of wallowing in morbid reflection but I do want to be aware of what triggers negative coping skills and patterns.

And, what promotes healthy coping skills and patterns? External support, for one - be it a group, an organization, healthy friends - providing I actually contact them and spend time with them. I think that the blogging is fantastic. I also need some in person support. This gets tricky. I have to break through the isolationist thinking, the fear, the "I am not good enough" the "I don't like anyone" the "I don't belong" undercurrents that accompany my low points. I have to be brave, determined and summon help from a spiritual source, too.

I refuse to hide anymore but I don't know quite where I want to go to emerge. I'd like a group that deals with eating issues, even if it is mostly geared toward weight loss and not a recovery program. Perhaps I need both. I have to start somewhere.

This morning I am showing the house to an inferior candidate but the only one I have at the moment, I have been speaking with a broker who does rent to own type things but selling is not my intention at the moment because of the value verses loan balance. He is brainstorming and may actually help find a tenant. So I am keeping the faith and paying the mortgage and not focusing on my dwindling resources. I have been much worse off in my life. Much.

I am going into this day a little sleep deprived and hoping for a nap later. Also exercise is an absolute must today. I may go pay my gym dues. They have classes there. Yoga. I HAVE to start connecting. It is getting to the point where I have begun to tell myself I can't connect with people, that I have lost that skill or ability. This cannot be true.

OK gotta get ready to go to the house. Have not been there in over a week. I always fear it has been vandalized but so far nothing has happened.

More will be revealed.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Two pounds a week

I lost two pounds this week. I think that is a reasonable loss. If I keep that up I will be in the range I am looking for in two months. I don't like calculating things too much but I do want to have a reasonable goal. I have been reluctant to have any goals related to weight loss because of the fear of failure. But two pounds for this week is nice. I want stability and accountability. I had my evening vegging out session and I am reading. I read Passing For Thin and I am moving on to Angry Fat Girls, soon to be released as Eating Ice Cream With My Dog. I am sleepy and very glad of Friday!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Vegging out

Here is the real hedgehog. I think his name should be Rudolph. So far no one agrees.

Back to vegging out - Literally. I have decided to make sure I have plenty of vegetables every evening. Tonight I am having shredded cabbage mix with very light dressing and steamed broccoli. I also stuffed a wheat pita full of spring mix and a little bit of chicken breast. That's my dinner and it is very satisfying. I had brussels sprouts last night and a salad pita. I lost another pound. Two more and I will be back at my pre Christmas low (which actually pretty much of a high, depending on how you look at it) and ready to tackle the real weight. I feel like this is just water/bloat, etc. But I am glad.

It has been very cold and I have not walked. I have been tired and working late and not exercising. Must get out of that and do something.

Anyway, that's my short report. Keeping my spirits up. Writing out my food and tallying it as the day goes on. Measuring. Planning. And water, lots and lots of water. These are the things that work for me. It feels safe and it feels like home.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

This morning I woke up to snow. I love snow. I slept in a little and then called the closest tire place. I bought four new tires and drove to work worry free. I love new tires. No more sliding.
The hedgehog is in my room already. Boyfriend took her to pick him up in the snowy weather last night. He spent the night in her room but it got really chilly. So today while I was at work they had a snow day and she put his container on top of the entertainment center in my room where the birds used to be. It's ok for now because I was missing the birds a little. But it is only temporary because of the cold. Apparently they don't like the cold and daughter's room does not get nearly as warm as mine. Something odd about that side of the house. We have a space heater that we may use but I have a fear of space heaters. Hedgehogs get about the size of small guinea pigs. They are an interesting animal. This one is about 10 weeks old so its about the size of a hamster maybe. I am not familiar with hamsters. It is bigger than a mouse. It has no tail. She can hold him and he will explore and try and crawl up her sleeves. He sits on her lap. But right now he is curled up in a prickly ball because I spooked him when I came in my room. They have soft quills that get hard when they are scared and they roll up into a ball. Leave it to my daughter to find something like this. She loves animals.
Anyway hard to tell but I think my food was better today. Definitely better tonight. I am having my salad. I worked late and then picked up daughter and went to the pet store for stuff for the hedgehog. So it is late but I decided to have my salad no matter what. If I skip stuff I end up grabbing other stuff. I will make some calculations before I go to sleep and log in my food for the day.
The high fiber cereal has sugar so I am going to avoid it. I need fiber, though. And more protein. The scale sucked this morning but I was expecting it. No gain but no loss. I am getting on every day to keep from going in denial. I can do this.
More (hopefully less) will be revealed..

Monday, January 10, 2011

Evening Note

Okay I did pretty good today but got a tad bit sidetracked when I got home from work. I had high fiber cereal and yogurt instead of my salad. I also cottage cheese and low cal high fiber crackers (one serving) and now I am finished. Had a stressful day at work and stuck to my plan all day. Weather got snowy and slippery on the way home and I slid several times and was kind of freaked out when I got home and was supposed to take daughter to pick up a hedgehog. Yes, she is getting a hedgehog for a pet. But I did not think I wanted to slip and slide back out trying to go get it tonight. We had a snit over it but I stuck to my guns. Her boyfriend took her. He did not think the roads were bad - he must have better tires. I need to get new tires on the front of my car, like tomorrow morning in fact. Anyway I responded by grabbing the cereal and yogurt and I wish I'd waited and had my salad instead but the end result in calories is not bad. But I don't like that I diverted in a moment of stress. For some reason salad did not appeal to me at that moment and I was hungry. So, if I eat no more tonight today will be a pretty good day but not super fantastic. I face the scale in the morning and I want results. I will do better tomorrow. I am determined. I am going to put my jammies on and read and get a good night's sleep.

Morning Notes

I am making a commitment to a food plan this morning. I put it together with what I have on hand. I am cooking two eggs and my special toast for breakfast. I have a frozen lunch to heat up for a warm meal of chicken and vegetables. I have two small snacks. Dinner will be salad and turkey and the special toast. And yogurt for the third snack. This is about 1200 calories basically eating six times but smaller meals. I am going to see if this works just for today. I have to start somewhere so I am starting where I am. And, where I am today is far better off than where I was in 2005 when I hit bottom with food and in 2006 when I started blogging. But I am still in a danger zone. The danger of denial, and acceptance of excess weight and excess food. If I don't intervene and do something now I could be back up where I was and further. Plus where I am now is not comfortable for me at all.

I got out my Passing for Thin book last night and began reading it again. It got me started in 2006. It describes the horror of the disease of overeating, but it also describes the hope of recovery from it and the excitement of turning it all around. So that's what I want to do. Recover from a negative pattern of living. Depression and overeating are so mixed up together in my life I need to address both of them together and do anything and everything that works and even be willing to try new suggestions when I can find them.

That's my note and commitment this morning. Also somewhere in this day I know I can fit in some ab exercises and a walk. Probably this evening since I have an early phone meeting I am rushing off to work.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Out with the old and in with the new

I took the Christmas decorations down this morning. It felt good to move on even though I love the holidays. I also gave away my last two birds. I had birds for many years but they are messy and noisy and I no longer wanted to share a room with them. My daughter's best friend wanted them so I knew they were going to a good home. It felt good to give them away. I think this is going to be a year of getting rid of things. I want to clean out the garage and I want to get rid of the clutter in my room. My eating was better the past two days and I have been drinking as much water as I can. I did not keep track very well though and I need to do that so I really know what's going on. I am attracted to crackers and cereal and that type of thing. I need a program and I need one now. So I have my South Beach book and the Kay S. book next to my bed and I am going to read over the foods to enjoy and the foods to avoid.

I hope to post regularly now and move on. Old habits out. New habits in.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Into January Already!

How time passes so fast. I had a very nice Christmas. Only one meltdown on the 23rd. I did better with the food but oddly I ended up gaining the week after. Some things I did that worked well: I had delicious fruit on hand as an alternative to the traditional baked goods. I only baked cookies on Christmas Eve and it was one batch. I baked breads with whole grain flour and less sugar. I walked the dog after eating. The challenge was that I found myself constantly dealing with food, but I was so busy I think I ate less of it. But I believe I gained because I stayed in
Food mode after the holiday and continued to eat more than normal. I have been feeling a little sick this week and not drinking my usual amount of water so I am hoping this weeks pounds can go away quickly. I hate the feeling of tightness in clothes and I feel every extra pound. Then I don't want to go anywhere as if the world will know and judge me for it. That part is very silly. The isolation is part of my problem.

I still have not rented out the house. I had one prospect that said they wanted it February if I did not rent it out before then but she has not returned the paperwork or my calls. I hate dealing with people like this. They all seem so self centered, irresponsible and wanting something for nothing sometimes. They don't respect a contract that they sign they just do what they need to do to get what they want when they want it even if it involves lying. I had to get that off my chest, I think I just have had a bad experience or two and I am getting jaded about people. I wish I did not have to deal with this but deal I must so I will try and get my positive thinking going. I cannot afford to slip into depression. I already feel it tugging at me.

I think I am going to go ahead and spend the money to go to the gym. I feel so sluggish and it always helped in the past. My best times involved gym visits. I need to do what works.

On January 3rd I always think back to 2005 when I hit bottom at about 206 pounds. I am over 40 pounds less than that this year, but long to be the 15 or even 20 pounds less that I was in 2008. It felt victorious and new. Now I feel scared and out of control. Climbing up instead of down. I feel like a failure or that I spoiled my victory. And it is all about food. Stupid food. Food that is supposed to be used to sustain and energize not harm and humiliate. What's the deal? I don't want to take good things and make them bad anymore. Sometimes I look back on my life and see constant struggle. I guess that's why I named this blog I surrender. I want to stop struggling and start living.

I noticed that in the years I blogged more, my weight was better. And I was happier. Do I blog less because my weight is up, or is my weight up because I blog less? I think that there is a correlation, but not so simple. I am happier when I communicate with others and have friendship and support in my life. It is easier to have goals and be accountable. Today I am trying to dig through the wreckage of my room, it is full of dust, and debris. I am throwing things away and trying to organize what is left. I want my living space to appeal to me again. All these things make a difference. I feel really swollen and bloated today. I want out of this body!
So I am flushing myself out with water.

More will be revealed..