Monday, December 29, 2008

Party's Over Day One

Today my food was great. Exercise was non-existent but I am happy just to have a carb down day to start the reversal of the past month willy-nilliness. I worked from home for the first few hours of the day because I overslept. I finished off the day at the office and was productive. I feel a slight downward spiral in the mood so I am going to supplement with comedy and tomorrow I will go to the gym for sure. Cardio will uplift my mood with it's positive brain chemical stuff. I was cheerful at work and made dinner for the kids. Now I am cozy in bed ready to end the day early. I think I am going to get on netflix and watch a funny movie in bed on my laptop. Or there is always my funny news shows on the TV. Anything to uplift my spirits.

Not ready to step on the scale yet but I think I will do it on Wednesday. I think I might re-program that Mary Lou scale that does not tell you the number, but keeps track of what you lose or gain over/under your mystery starting weight. I need a mystery right now.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

OK Party's Over

No freaking out over the scale. I enjoyed my holiday treats and now it's time to get back to basics. Like keeping track of food, cutting out the simple carbs, sweets and so on. And back to the the gym, (I did that yesterday) and the file room workouts and so on. My new Normal. The Normal I got away from when I was sick, and the Normal I miss now after a month without it. No freaking out about tight clothes. No giving up, no self loathing. Just back to basics and accepting the here and now at the same time. No one seems to notice my gain but me. No one else is obsessed with my body. So I can relax and get back to calm peaceful routine of eating sanely and normally. I want to do some low carb for a few days to detox, but don't want to go to extremes. So tomorrow is back to the office and back to the basics! Updates to follow.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

I have always loved the holidays. This year being sick put me way behind on the prep work, plus it robbed me of my usual days off. I also had low energy leading up to the holidays, was behind on housework and could not get in the "spirit" - I felt very moody, angry, sad, and the like. And guilty for feeling like that. Well I had my own little scrooge moment on the morning of Christmas eve. I woke up and was immediately pissed when I saw that the kids stayed up playing monopoly and did not clean up like they said they wood. Ordinarily I'd be real happy they played games together but I was foul. I left in search of Christmas spirit.

I went to the riverfront. It is cobblestone streets and old buildings - looking straight out of Dickens Christmas Carol. They have people there dressed in costume and in full character roaming the streets. Jack Frost, a bunch of Santa's from around the world, the sugar plum fairy and a group of Victorian carolers, and a chestnut roaster. I bought a cigar and went in a pub. I had coffee and shrimp. As I enjoyed my smoke ( a very rare event) I read the Wall Street Journal. The headline article was about a man found dead from suicide in his New York office. An investment guy who worked for a company that apparently fraudulently bilked people and charities out of tons of money. The story got me. It changed me. So did the mood of the streets with the Christmas people. I asked the waiter for a phone, he let me use his. He had a picture of a baby on the screen. I asked if it was his. He said yes. This young man had three kids and was working Christmas eve I am sure to make enough money for the family. I enjoyed my leisure. I left a tip that was twice as much as the bill. I wanted to give him a gift.

My heart changed entirely. I came home and roused the children to go to this magical place with me. Daughter was reluctant. Grandson was game and even put on antlers for the occasion. We went out in the cold streets and were greeted by the characters. The sugar plum fairy kissed daughter. We told stories, rode in a horse drawn carriage, ate fresh roasted chestnuts as we stood by the fire (while they roasted). ///All of us agreed that we were uplifted by the whole thing.

What a beautiful thing. I love that heart changing magical place. We all agreed to go next year and get there earlier. The rest of the day was great, me cooking dinner, our drive to look at lights. I had a man over and he did the driving this year - too nice - especially if you all know the story of last year's man who did not drive. We had a wonderful Christmas eve.
I am grateful for the joy I can share. There is always joy.

PS I dyed my hair and we can talk about food another day....

Happy Holidays. I love you all!!!!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Sick of being Sick

My daughter is well but I have been dragged down with the sickness for a couple of weeks now. It is like a biochemical attack. It makes you feel like you are getting well and them it whams you with the second session, the sinus attack. But I keep reminding myself that daughter got well and so will I. As for weight I am just happy to maintain my 50 pound loss through the sickness, the lack of work outs, and so on. I don't know when I have gone this long without blogging, though and I can't stand it any longer. Just wanted to get on for a quick post so I can feel connected.

I am not out of control with food, but I am not following any kind of program. I am trained to avoid certain foods but when I am sick, sometimes I gravitate to soothing foods. Overall, my appetite is not that big right now. I am just trying to get through the sickness, ignoring pile ups of house work, being there for the kids who both have make up work out the wazoo from being absent when they were sick. We are taking care of the major stuff, and letting other things go right now.

We had an incident right after Thanksgiving involving Grandson. I woke up in the middle of the night and found him gone. It was the Sunday night after Thanksgiving. It was almost 3 a.m. and he was nowhere to be found. My daughter found a note he had written on his notepad on the computer screen. It was a very well written thoughtful note telling us that he needed to deal with the loss he suffered when his other Grandmother died. He said he was going for a walk, and that he might walk to their old house (some 20 -30 miles away!!). It was cold, the middle of the night and I was freaked out. From what we could tell he had left around midnight so he'd already been gone almost 3 hours.

My instincts told me to get in the car and take the route he had map quested before he left. But I had called 911 and they were pressing me to stay. I fought my instincts for an hour while a slow to arrive but nice police officer picked through my grandson's belongings finding nothing indicating any foul play. He finally, after reading the note, agreed that it was clear what my grandson was doing, but still told me I should stay home. After he left, when we were getting ready to go, he called me crying from a gas station. He had walked two highways, crossed a major bridge over a very deep and wide river, and gone a long way.

He thought I would be mad. I was only scared. Scared I'd never see him again. Scared something awful could happen to him or he could make a snap decision in the throws of grieving depression. But he was safe, cold and sad, but safe. We picked him up and took him to the old house. We sat outside in the car for as long as he wanted. We went to a drive through and got warm breakfast food. Everyone ate, and then we went home and everyone slept. We did not worry about school, or work or anything. All that mattered was that everyone was safe. I told him if he ever wanted to leave in the night to wake me up. I would gladly get up and take him for a drive. I told him what mattered to me was that he was safe. And that he could find ways to deal with grief that would be safe.

Anyway, I had after shocks from that. It's been a long couple of weeks with being sick and trying to work and so on. Our company is restructuring and jobs are being shifted, lost, and so on. Nothing is certain. But I am content to go home to my warm safe place with the kids safe and warm and fed each night and just be there with them and for them. Making sure they know that we will get through anything that happens. And that they are the most important priority in my life.

Anyway this is a long post for a short up date. I am full of untold stories. Maybe this weekend I can catch up with everyone!