Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Yet another day two!

I always say Never Give Up. So I don't. I started my body for life over yesterday. I just finished a bike ride, the first of this entire year! First I walked the dog. It is one of those rare cool Summer evenings with low humidity. Perfect for outdoor enjoyment. I was concerned I would not make it up the hill, but I am happy to say that I am in better shape than I thought. It did wonders for my mental state.
Last week I had my performance review. I had to ask for it and remind the boss, which was not a good sign. I was given a below expectations rating. I never had a bad performance review in my life. I was not expecting a good one because I have missed so much work and it has been overwhelming given all the personal things that happened. What it said was that my first six months were difficult due to a number of personal things and that when I was able to focus on my work my performance was good. Something like that. And that since all that stuff is behind me now (not exactly but they can think that) they are looking forward to see what I can really do. What I really want to do is find another job.

I have never much liked this job. I won't go into why. I don't want to focus on it. When I was getting laid off last year this is not the job I dreamed of, longed for, and hoped to find. But the pay is good and it was offered to me easily and I needed the money. Given the job market it was somewhat of a miracle. I do not regret taking it. I do believe there is something out there for me that would provide for a better quality of life. Something more suitable for me and something for which I am better suited.

I made an appointment with the department chair at the college where I earned my professional degree. I want to brainstorm about what other types of work I can do with my background. Plus, I'd love to work in an academic environment. I am looking forward to seeing her. I have huge burnout right now. I'd agree I did not accomplish as much as I could have if my daughter and I had not been hospitalized and my father had not taken a turn for the worse, gone into the nursing home and then died, but factoring those things in (plus the stuff they don't know about) I think I did outstanding.

It was sort of a grand finale for the worst year of my life and I felt oddly liberated by it, but at the same time really sad. I feel sad and lonely at work frequently so I am now determined to do the best job I can do while looking for a new situation. I get the idea they may want me to leave. But I could be wrong. So each day I must seek out what makes me happy and partake in it, keep a positive attitude, and look for the good in my job. I am ready to move on in life. Out of depression and negativity. Those have been looming for too long. I must work harder to overcome by bringing more and more positive energy in wherever I can.

So, bike riding was a major uplift tonight. Perhaps some humor. Maybe I will look up jokes online before I go to bed.

More will be revealed.

Monday, June 21, 2010


It's Monday and I feel better. Last week I felt awful, physically and mentally. I went to the doctor Friday because I realized I most likely had a sinus infection. I feel much better after a few days of antibiotics. We also had my father's memorial Saturday. Although I was very tired from not sleeping well the night before and getting up very early to pick up everyone and get down there on time, I felt better after the memorial. It was very nice and afterwards we went out to eat and then spent a little time at my mother's house. I was pretty exhausted but felt good that we did it and everyone who wanted to come got to be there. Sunday my daughter was having a party and the house was a wreck so I helped put that together. I am glad we did it because if forced us to clean the neglected downstairs. It was also nice to have the house filled with her friends playing games and having a good time Sunday night. This morning I felt better than I have in a long time. I feel capable of doing things. I feel optimistic. I watered my flowers and I did some exercises. I went to work. These things I do not take for granted today because I have recently experienced not being able to do even that much.

I look forward to putting my life back together, maybe not exactly like it was, maybe evolved and transformed a little.

More will be revealed.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

two days

My first two days are good but not perfect eating. I have not exercised. I am exhausted. I want my positive self back. This is a week of mourning of sorts. Mourning things that are lost and appear lost at the moment. Things I can't change. The past. Maybe it is necessary but I want it to pass. I still dread picking my brother up tomorrow night. I don't know why. I feel full of dread. I am afraid to be this honest but hope that if I am these feelings will go away. They are just feelings. There is nothing terrifying about picking people up at the airport - I have done it with joy many times in the past. These are feelings and I want to let them go. I want to release the anxiety I feel about nearly every part of my life tonight. It has to pass. I don't understand it, I don't want to understand it. I just want it to go away.

I want my sense of humor back, too!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

De-stressing, I hope

Tomorrow I am starting the Body for Life challenge (again). The new renters moved in Friday night so I will no longer be driving back and forth to that property almost daily, cutting grass, etc. and now have time to devote to the rest of my life. There is a minor complication still with exercise. Monday night I dropped a bookshelf on my foot. I was dragging it back up the driveway of the rental property because the trash men did not take it. I have swelling and a nasty scrape but it does not hurt to walk. The swelling concerns me and the scrape is on the top of my foot near my ankle so it pulls and hurts when I move my foot.

Today I am resting and keeping ice on it. I really was looking forward to a big increase in exercise involving walking distances and biking. I can still do things but will have to adjust some activity to the hurt foot by trying not to put weight on it so much until the swelling goes away. It is a little disappointing but I can still do many exercises that don't involve being on my feet. Like swimming.

I am very tired today. Yesterday hired handy man and I assembled a shed for the rental property. We were in the heat for a few hours. It was not good weather to be outside, and yes I was standing on that swollen foot most of the time. I went home after finishing and rested, drinking water. Today I will just have to take it easy. Swimming sounds good. That could be the answer to the whole foot, back, de-stressing situation. Right now I don't even feel like grocery shopping.

I thought I would be elated once the renters moved in but I notice today I am just looking around at the neglected projects over here and feeling a little overwhelmed. I am glad I can get to them now. And I am very happy about the renters. They are excited and grateful for the house. She told me yesterday that she would like her kids to grow up there. Maybe they will stay a few years, that is my hope. I think I just need a day to rest and re-adjust. That project consumed so much of my thoughts, acts, time, and even emotions. I am behind here at home but I can enjoy taking care of my little backyard again and making our home space nicer. It just seems a little daunting at this particular moment as I lie here with ice on my foot.

We have a memorial service for my father next Saturday and I have to pick up my brother at the airport late Wednesday night. I am so protective of my sleep nowadays I almost refused to do it. I will take him back to the airport the next morning early to catch the bus. I cannot take any time off of work because I have no paid time off yet, I used it all up so far this year. For some reason I do not look forward to a family gathering. We had one service for my father already. This one is the result of my brother not coming when my father died and my sister not wanting to take her kids out of school at the time of his death. I think I am still holding resentment about both of them or something. Anyway it will sort out eventually. It is mostly my brother. I was shocked he did not come out when my father died and that he expected the funeral to be put off until he could make it. I was shocked at how he made the flight reservations and just expected I would be able to do whatever he needed. I normally can adapt but my life is different right now. Oh well. No use getting my emotions up over that one. It will pass. I may just be extra sensitive right now.

I have had a slight headache since being outside yesterday. I may actually nap and really take it easy today. Grocery shopping is necessary but it can wait another few hours. Maybe the foot swelling will go down and I will feel more energetic. Who knows I could be out in the back cutting weeds this evening or swimming at the gym.....

More will be revealed!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

MIA report

OK, I got a little diverted because I had to make rest a priority for the past two weeks. It is doing wonders. I hurt myself pretty bad in my week one when I fell run/walking the dog. It was worse than I thought, when I worked out it made it worse. I must have sprained/pulled muscles when I broke my fall. Anyway, I did not gain back weight or anything like that. I have been pretty good about food. I should be able to start next week. I want to be careful.

It was not just physical rest I needed. I have been exhausted mentally for some time. now. So for the past two weeks each night when I am finished with the mandatory things to do (which are extra right now due to rental house) I go to bed and read. The reading relaxes me and I am able to fall asleep. This has worked to help my depression, anxiety and the healing of my physical ailments. I was in pretty bad shape mentally and did not even realize how bad until I began resting. I still have regular physical exercise and my grass cutting at the property.

So, body for life is not over, just delayed. The rental property is coming to a conclusion. I found renters the week before last. A married couple with three daughters. They are very excited about the house and the wife is excited about growing flowers! It was an answer to an increasingly desperate prayer. There has been work to do. The county inspects houses for occupancy and I had to get that inspection and now have a to do list. Just hired a guy this morning. They are going to move in next weekend and then no more trips to the property every other day, etc. Once this huge effort is finished I can get back to my own life and get in a routine for workouts, etc.

Until then I am using my spare time for rest. It has been hard to do actually because I feel like I should be working out but I have made a commitment to let the body get better. I have come to enjoy my evening ready very much. I am reading some of the books from my father's house. I got into a long one - Atlas Shrugged - and have been reading it the past week.

Interestingly, this morning the handy man who is someone I used to run into once in a while asked me if I'd lost weight..I think the last time I saw him was within the last year. I love it when that happens. I said I did not know, I guess it depends on where you look! Not sure where he was looking but he was standing behind me while I unlocked the door. Maybe all the grass cutting and yard work is trimming something. I did feel more lean this morning when I woke up and my weight was down a pound.

So, rest, rest and more rest. It does the body good!