Saturday, January 30, 2010

Saturday Morning Peace

Thanks for all of your kind and supportive words, it means so much to me to know I have so many people caring even though we have never met each other in person. I read Animal's comment right after I'd made a cup of hot tea, and when I saw what she said about having a cup of tea with me, it gave me a feeling that there really is something more, something greater going on in our lives than just the day to day events..

It's Saturday morning and I am in my favorite chair. I keep it in front of the fireplace in the winter. Last night I built a fire and sat in front of it all evening. I watched parts of a movie, read a little, talked on the phone. I had a good night's sleep. I did eat a bunch of food - something I have not been doing. But since I have not had an appetite much lately I thought it might be a good sign. I almost wish for the days when my biggest deal was if I was going to lose those 5-10 pounds.

Anyway, last Saturday I went to an Ala-non meeting. I admitted how crazy I'd been feeling and acting after my son started using drugs again. I got phone numbers and talked to people. That was a good beginning. Even though there were more meltdowns to come, after my second Al anon meeting on Wednesday night, a parent group, I was able to become more peaceful in my resolve to take care of myself, and the rest of the family, and let my son go. On Thursday night he was at our house. I found him smoking something in the garage so I calmly went upstairs and got the bag I had already packed for him and he knew it was time to leave. I told him if he wanted to check into a detox or some other program I would help him do that. He does not want that. So I waited while he made phone calls to find someone to take him in. It was very sad to hear him. It is sad to see how he is. But I have to go on. I have to pick up the pieces and get on with life. He understood. We did not fight. We were both sad. He cannot live without it, I cannot live with it. I also cannot subsidize his life while he chooses to do do that instead of being a part of the family. I surrendered him to the life he has chosen.

Anyway, that's what I did about that. It is not over yet, we still hear from him and its only been a couple of days but I am finding myself feeling more myself. Maybe I will be a little different but I will still be me, and I do have plenty of hope and many things to be grateful for. My daughter is doing very well on her medicines. This situation with my son was hard for her but she has new boyfriend she is excited about (a very nice young man) and she is getting much more involved in school. I couldn't be happier. My grandson is coping better than me. He saw his therapist on Wednesday afternoon when I made an emergency appointment for him. She called me that night out of concern from me and offered to let me see their new intern for free. Grandson works out everyday after school and does training for volleyball and is now getting into boxing with some friends. I think the physical activity is very good for him. We may be a little closer as a result of this whole ordeal.

I showed my kids that I am going to take care of myself and get help. I also showed them that I am not going to let an active drug user live in our home even if we love him very much. I worked hard at my job this week. My employers know about the situation with my Dad and they know my daughter had been having panic attacks, but they don't know about the situation with my son. It is not necessary. They fired the legal secretary Wednesday (that almost put me over the edge) but Thursday morning I was assured that they are mindful of not overloading me. Overall, it was a good week at work and I am feeling caught up and competent.

One random wild and crazy incident happened on Thursday - on my lunch hour I traveled to the rental house (she's moving April 1 - another stress) to get the rent (28 days late) and on the way back after going to her bank, my bank and then for a coffee to celebrate - a car hit me from the side while I was driving in a parking lot. The person who hit me told me she hit a curb or something, and then I asked if she had insurance and she said no - I then said I"d need to turn it in on mine and needed some information. Then she said "I can't afford no police, I don't even have a license" so I said, just a minute I just need a little information for my insurance company. I got to my car and dialed 911 on the cell phone while taking down her license,. She pulled forward and parked while I told the 911 operator where I was, etc. and then while I was still on the phone with 911 she pulled off and drove away. To make a long story short, the police caught up with her on Friday and now they say the car is insured. So, I just passed all the information along to my insurance company. It was an icky incident and I am still leery that the insurance is legitimate, etc. And, that the person they talked to was really the driver of the car. But, if the insurance company pays, and I get my deductibles back, then I will let it all go. There is a pending court date for leaving the scene.

I guess it was Tuesday my Dad went into the nursing home. My Mom is pretty torn up but she is getting some rest and doing things around the house she could not do before. She is also having some time to herself so she can focus on what she needs to do for her. My Mom and I are on some sort of parallel - we both feel devastated and a tremendous loss - but we both know we need to take care of ourselves are are doing that now. There may be many good things about my Dad's new situation. It is very hard to think of him there though. I had wanted to drive down this weekend but the weather is not good down there so I probably will not. Perhaps tomorrow. For today I am going to go to my Al anon meeting and relax.

Thinking of all these things at once gets me a little nervous, but if I just sit and read, maybe go to my coffee house before the meeting, and just stay in the moment - I have peace again. Peace I thought I may have lost forever...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I need Hope to Hope

I do not know if I can even write this post. I cannot remember when I have felt this bad but I am sure I have. I feel I have lost everything but I know I haven't. A couple of weeks ago I got news that my son won his Supreme Court case which meant he had to be released from prison. But he had gotten in trouble for drugs while in prison, so instead of getting released he was transferred to a county jail. He had been in prison almost 13 years and this was the closest to coming home he'd ever been. I lost my head really, and I put up a very large amount of money for bond. I pretty much took my entire savings and then on top of it paid a lawyer to help him with the pending case. I wanted so much for him to have a chance to come home and be a part of his family. I rushed it. He was out a couple days and got back with some old friends and started using again and basically has not been home since. We hear from him but he mostly slurrs his speech and tells us he loves us. I told him he'd have to stay somewhere else. It broke my heart. It broke his son's heart, it broke his sister's heart. We are all sad. And, I miss my bank account. I miss how I used to feel before this happened. Then, my father became ill Saturday and my son and I went to help my mother. It was the first time he saw his grandpa in years. It was awful, my dad laying in bed unable to move and my mom unable to clean him from being sick. His eyes open just staring off. He had fever and I told my Mom he needed to go to the hospital. The ambulance came and we watched them take him away in the pouring rain. My son road with my Mom and I drove behind them. We sat in the hospital while they did things to him and he struggled with them and cursed. Then we followed another ambulance to another hospital because my Mom was not ready to make the decisions about "do not resuscitate" and the first hospital had no ICU. It was a night of reality and sadness. My son couldn't handle it. His grandpa was like a father to him. Someone came to pick him up around midnight. That was the last time I saw him. My Mom and I slept in hospital chairs. My father was better in the morning but the doctor was mostly concerned about the Alzheimer's. My Mom just can't take care of him at this point because she cannot lift him if he gets too weak or if he falls, or gets sick. More decisions had to be made on Monday. They moved him to a nursing home today. I came home last night and worked today. My sister was with my mother. Tonight will be the first night he spends alone. It breaks my heart. I don't want him to wake up alone. I don't want him to be scared. I don't want all those strangers taking care of him. My heart will never be the same. I have had meltdown upon metldown. My kids are worried about me. I feel terrible. I want to know I can get through all this. But I feel like I never will. I feel lost. I want my father to be home with my mother. I want things the way they were before. I'm so sad and I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I need hope to have hope.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Getting Better

My food portions are down and my choices are good. No junk, no long food affairs in front of the TV this week. So the pounds are coming off but I am just now getting back to where I was so I can start getting back to where I was going.

I want to stop getting side tracked. Speaking of side tracked, the Weed goes to the new gym I joined, every day apparently and I ran into him last week. I have not been back since but that's really not the reason. It was not fitting in with this week's evening schedule and yesterday I had stuff going on. So today I must go. MUST. I thought about paying dues at the other gym for going during the week but was trying not to have two memberships. Daughter still has a membership at old gym so maybe I could pay by the month until hers runs out and we could go together.

I noticed lately that I spend time thinking about stuff and then I don't do it. I have the desire to do things but I don't. I am wondering about the anxiety and depression that runs in my family. I often feel stuck like I just can't do things, or very overwhelmed not knowing which to do first and it seems there are so many that I do none. This is probably some form of anxiety. Not being able to just pick them off one at a time but instead feeling like I need to hide from them all. Just simple tasks and then other bigger projects, too.

Well, I will pick something to do today, off the medium sized list and then make a list of smaller things because I am concerned about this trait lately. My quality of life could be improved if I just did things.

The cold here rages on and I don't mind it a bit. I like putting on warm things. I like boots. I like fires.

More will be revealed. I am going to try and go do something, anything!

Sunday, January 3, 2010


This weekend I decided to detox from the food and sluggishness of the past couple of weeks. I drank over three liters of water yesterday, special herbal tea, and went to the gym. I kept my calories and carbs and fats to a low. Today less water, but more gym and still low on the calories and carbs. Nothing dramatic but a big improvement. The gym helped my mood. I had been feeling the extra body fat I put on in the past month. It's weird, the pounds went up and down and then at the last minute they stayed up and I could really see them this time. So I don't know what I was gaining before but this time I gained some real live, very obvious body fat.

So off it goes and I also want off this cycle losing and gaining the same pounds. Yes, it is better than the Big Weight of years ago but it is not good enough anymore. I feel it more and I am tired of it. It is a quality of life issue. Plus, it really feels good to go to the gym. And I don't like seeing lumpy places in my clothes. I did not realize how good of shape I actually was in until I started to lose it.... and I want it back. It is in very close reach so there is nothing to hold me back. Except me of course.

A big part of weight loss and behavior change is being my own buddy. Working on my side and not against myself. Forgiving myself, making peace for any harms done, and moving on. I am my pal. I do nice things for me. I stick up for myself. I steer myself away from crummy choices and remind myself of how good it feels to benefit from the good choices. I am kind to myself when I make a mistake and I encourage myself. I need a good foundation with myself to make things work.

Anyway, that's the deal. I'd like a workout buddy to meet me at the gym but for now I will have to be the best buddy I can be.

More will be revealed.