Sunday, July 31, 2011

Trail Mix

I hate trail mix, because every so often I trick myself, or lie to myself that I can eat it because nuts are good for me. My office mate had a bag of a very healthy, organic, no salt, etc. trail mix. She left it out for me because I was working late. She kept it on her desk for me and over several days I ended up eating all of it. I my two pounds back, I bought some to replace her back and I ended up opening it and eating the walnuts and pecans out of it and some tried blueberries. On what would have been perfect food days, I lost nothing.

This is making me sick. This nut thing. I am the nut. I cannot have nuts around. They have to be in something that I get somewhere else. If I buy a supply that I want to use to put in things, I eat them all. Who would think unsalted, raw nuts would become mini binge food? I am mad at myself but I have to forgive myself and move on. NO more nuts, this is enough. I have always had problems with them - lack of self control.

I hate when I sabotage myself when I am doing good. Anyway, I went to the gym yesterday so I had my three gym days this week, I am just frustrated that I have NO results and instead a setback because of nuts. It makes me nuts..

Today is a new day.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Little Breaks

Yesterday was a very stable food day. I used my daily readings all day long to remind myself to go to the peaceful places of my mind. And, to go to the positive thoughts whenever negative thoughts intruded. It is becoming more of a habit. I am getting better at it. I love summer foods, like cucumbers and tomatoes. I believe that cucumbers keep me feeling full. I love them with tomatoes with some red wine vinegar, black pepper and a pinch of Parmesan cheese. I also love berries, of all kinds. Tonight is gym night and I packed my clothes so I can stop on my way home. The heat index has deterred my daily walks, but I have gone shorter distances to keep the habit of taking an outdoor break. I also look at pictures, like this one, and use visualization for a mini-break. My work gets tedious, and I need little breaks, instead of little snacks. I believe I used to reach for food at times when all I really needed was a break, a diversion, a rest, or even a drink of water!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Letting go of Old Beliefs

One of my newer meditations (I make them up myself) is visualizing I am a butterfly flitting from flower to flower on a warm, soft, sunny day. It works for me. I invent my own meditations to work in different situations. I read an article about beliefs this morning - as they relate to weight loss. I still have some self defeating beliefs about food, my body, and weight loss. I am going to focus on letting go of them this week. I can recognize them when they come up and find positive ways to let them go. I can replace them with a new statement, I can blow them away and watch them drift off into the sunset. I am creative, so surely I can come up with all kinds of fun ways to do this!

I went to the gym last night after working late, and NOT feeling like going. But I was SO glad I went. What a mental boost. I still fell asleep at a decent hour and slept very well.

More will be revealed!!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Letting Go of Old Stuff

In the interest of moving forward and clearing away the past - Today I am cleaning my room. FINALLY. It is an important part of leaving my years of depression behind. I am throwing away, and giving away, things that I no longer want, use, or need. I need space, I need to be lighter. This is the from the inside out project. The inside of my room, the inside of me. There is a realationship. I don't need to hang on to all of this stuff, some of it is just trash. My food today is very nice. I feel hopeful and calm. As I go through things I am aware of feelings, but they can drift away after I feel them. I have felt some sadness, some anger, some loneliness, but they are only feelings and I let them drift away. I have on some comforting old black and white movie in the background. It's cool in here, away from the toxic air outside.

There is so much stuff, I may not get through it all in one day, but I am making progress and not giving up. I am happy to be doing it, and I am not rushing myself.

More will be revealed.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Triggers and Mindfulness

I had a couple of diversions. One was in the evening, at the end the day I picked up the car. I can easily see that was one of those post stress moments, but there were also a couple of dietary triggers in the mix. I can now plan better.. The next was the following day, in response to an ice cream social at work. I made a conscious decision to eat the ice cream which is a conscious decision to set myself back. It is more than just the serving of ice cream because I know that there are other consequences. I believe it was the "oh wells" that came after the diversion from the night before. But I am not doing that today.

My daily word mediation yesterday was about resilience, getting up after a fall to keep on going. So that's what I am doing, as I continue to observe the triggers in my life and find new ways to respond. I was talking to a friend yesterday about "stopping" and what I said was I don't believe I ever just "stop" a behavior without substituting it with something new. I want to focus on the new. My meditation today was about turning points when we change, stripping away the old self with it's old practices and being clothed with the new. I can strip away the old reactions and responses and put on my new habits.

I am experiencing a turning point. I feel different. This has been evolving. I went through some darker times and have emerged. I am still getting to know this newer, changed me. It is not that easy to articulate. I notice how I react to situations and I see how I have changed for the better. Not always with the food, but in the bigger picture of taking care of myself emotionally, I am finding my way. The food will follow. I believe that today. I have noticed there there are some things that I simply do not do anymore, and even better, I don't even think about doing them. The behavior has simply disappeared! If this can be so with some behavior, surely the food behaviors can also disappear. This is how my faith works.

Getting to the mindfulness, I take myself to the waterfalls in my mind and try to get as close as I can to that state of mind I had Monday evening after sitting in the falls. I want to go back to the real falls more often, so the memory of that feeling won't fade. I can emerge from that meditative state and observe my present circumstances with a calm and focused mind. I can stay in the moment. This, and my daily readings are my mainstay for my mental/emotional/spiritual diet.

More will be revealed.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Clearing My Mind

Yesterday morning we found a car. I negotiated the deal and it needed some work so I did not have to do anything more on that project until this afternoon. I had a little time where I did not absolutely have to do anything. Sure, there was the usual, the messy room, and other projects, but I did not have to do them so I decided to go to my mind clearing, healing place. The waterfalls near my friend's house where I took my grandson and his friend. It was pretty spur of the moment, but I'd had it in the back of my head in case I had the time. I took off around 2:30 and I was walking the path to the falls by 5 p.m.

I am SO glad I did it. There is something about sitting in the falls with the water rushing around me. It drowns out all the sounds of the other people around, and the noise of my thoughts. I stayed for three hours. I swam, and I climbed, and I sat in the pools beneath the falls where the water bubbles and rushes. I let the falls massage my back and neck. I meditated. I healed. I felt absolutely sedated afterward. It is my spa.

I spent the night at my friend's house. We visited before I went to bed. I went to the barn while they fed and rounded up the herd of 32 goats. I slept very well. In the morning I had coffee with my friend, and then I went back to the waterfalls. I only had about an hour, and I spent it taking photos, swimming and some waterfall sitting. I was one of the first ones to arrive and it was very quiet. What a perfect way to begin a day!

My food has been good. I am keeping the two pounds off and hoping to move ahead this week with a little more. My exercise for today and yesterday was rock climbing and swimming, plus the walk to and from the river. I want to go to the falls in my mind when I need to retreat and clear my thoughts. I am going to practice this.

More will be revealed.

Sunday, July 17, 2011


Last night at a birthday BBQ I ate cucumber tomato salad while others were eating birthday cake!!! Yahoo for me. I lost two pounds this week. This morning I went to the gym and had a very nice workout. I am glad to get back to it. We have been car hunting with no luck, but I realized last night that I am good at this and not willing to settle. We only need to find one car. I can do this. Daughter gets stressed but I stay positive and very encouraging.

So today is devoted to taking care of myself and maybe some cleaning and organizing.

More will be revealed.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Staying Motivated

I had my bigger breakfast again today. Yesterday worked out well, meaning I stayed with my plan all day. In the evening we went to car lots. It was a bit depressing because there is nothing much, if at all, in our meager price range. It takes more searching. I suppose that was my workout. Getting kind of frustrated, but I know that I will have more time to myself this weekend, and being off Monday and Tuesday, to workout.

I want to stay motivated even if I do not get results right away. I do not like that I have gone all week without a workout. I have not even taken my walks at work because the car business has impacted my work schedule and I have been staying in for lunch so I can arrive late/leave early, etc. I know I can get back to normal soon, but it makes me uneasy.

Just checking in really, have to get back to work. Drinking herbal tea has helped feel satisfied in between meals. Bigger meals also help staying satisfied longer. And, Vickie is right, the evening is emotional eating time. I need to work on that, to get better evening balance.

More will be revealed!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Prepared and Somewhat Hopeful

I looked at a car last night after work, grocery shopped, and did not have time make it to the gym. I sacrificed the gym because I could go tonight. We were out of food. I was exhausted. I needed to go to bed at a decent hour. So many conflicting priorities. Grocery shopping is a work out of sorts, but not like my gym workout. I feel like a blob, though. Even though in reality, I am not a blob. A little padded, but not a blob. I only feel like one. And feelings can change. Sometimes with the blink of an eye, and a deep breath.

I bought healthy food, and came home to chop and cook. Today's breakfast is oat bran with blueberries, one egg, poached with spinach. I am hoping this is a good way to start the day. It is still a little short of three hundred calories, but seems to be packed with good nutrition and no bad stuff.

Lunch is salad greens, chicken breast, tomatoes and cucumber with a red wine vinegar, cracked pepper mix, and a little Parmesan. I have Greek yogurt and flax flakes with more blueberries. I so hope this is a good plan. It is better than yesterday. I am drinking lots of water, and have cut the caffeine way down.

I feel prepared, a little timid, slightly frustrated (I weighed myself this morning) but hopeful. Working on my positive thinking....

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Curly Girl, Breakfast and Brand New Day

Last night I went to an event at a salon for "curly girls" and this is my "after" picture. I almost did not go, but a friend invited me and I wanted to stop by and meet her and one of her other friends. I did not feel so good, and did not like what I was wearing, so I was not prepared for all the attention. They ended up doing a before and after pic and spending a couple of hours on my hair, for free, but I bought stuff afterward, of course. The good part about this is that I showed up and participated in spite of the urge to start hiding out again. The not so good part is that I did not get to shop for food because I got home way later than planned.

So, today I had no time to fix breakfast and none of my easy stuff to bring, so I stopped and got an egg white spinach feta wrap at a somewhat trustworthy spot where I get coffee.

I looked it up when I got to work, and it had good protein but the wrap put it over the top on carbs and sugar, why sugar in a wrap? Please. But it was a bigger breakfast and I feel satisfied. I brought lunch and have a safe place to get food nearby if I need to get dinner.

I meet my workout buddy tonight for a more challenging workout. I still feel bloated but drinking tons of water. Wish the food had been perfect for breakfast, but glad I got something, and that I know what I ate. I am committed to daily posts.

Here's to moving on! I'm a little scared and appreciate all the support!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Fed Up, Refreshed, Bloated, and Accountable?

I am fed up with going up and down. It's the food, not the exercise, for sure. I just dawdle around and then cut loose in the evening. I keep track all day and then act as if nothing counts at night. I am not crazy horrible with food but certainly not doing enough to lose anything, or keep from fluctuating up and down 3 pounds here and there. I must get serious, dedicated and enjoy making a REAL change.

So, I want to be accountable. Even if no one reads. I am going to track online. I will make it easy, I will track calories per meal. Breakfast was 250. I will check in soon with the lunch tally. Or later with a daily tally. And blog in the evening.

I had a wonderful trip over the weekend, with my grandson and one of his friends for his birthday. We went to stay at my friend's house in the country, near a park with waterfalls. The river runs through large rocks and forms a wonderful natural water park. We also visited another state park with huge rocks. They played like kids, even though they are teenagers! We spent two nights, and they played board games and watched kid movies. My friend baked a birthday cake and made a special dinner. It was very nice especially because both of grandson's parents are in jail now and we seem to be short on family members. I got exercise in the water at the park and in my friend's lap/wave exercise pool.

Now to get serious on the whole food deal. Really, honestly, I MUST.

Update, after reading Vickie's post (wish I could link) I now realize I need to adjust the WHAT I eat drastically. I am out of touch with the whole and clean eating. I think I am eating ok but usually it involves some level of processed food. So I am going natural and pulling out the books to refresh my memory!

In keeping with the accountability - I had a high protien 210 calorie lunch. I will supplement with a boiled egg in a couple of hours. I am very bloated today after a fruit/sugar/carb fest last night. Daughter had a car accident while we were on our wonderful trip. I dealt with it very well but there were many post accident things to do yesterday. She got a ticket, on top of the whole ordeal. And we need to replace the car. She was not hurt, and that's the most important thing of all. No one was, and the car that hit her left the scene. Anyhow, eating mega-carbs does not make it better. It only inflates my body. I am flushing the toxins today with water.