Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Post Christmas Recovery

This week has been fairly quiet. I have been back to normal foods. I like getting back to normal food. I look forward to it and miss it when I don't have it. I like that. Not that I am losing weight or anything but my Christmas gain was just a couple pounds that came right back off. I did not go into Christmas with any pounds to spare, though, so I still need to lose some more. I don't like that tight feeling, etc.

So, Christmas was somewhat of an endurance test. I decided to take brother with us to see Mom and Dad. Brother can be tedious to be around and the two hour car trip can be nerve racking after a while with the constant chatter and intensity of his conversations. This year the weather was a little bad, there were ice patches, a bit of snow, and strong winds. I was nervous. I told him I was going to listen to Christmas music and not talk much so I could relax for driving. He was excited about the bad weather which I found a bit annoying because he was not the one who had to drive. Anyway, we hit a standstill because of an accident and to make a long long story short, we sat, crept, and inched in traffic for a little over two hours, and then still had two more hours or so ahead to drive in the wind and slick patches. I was determined to see my Mom because she had sounded really down when I talked to her in the morning. So I was steadfast behind the wheel.

I felt like a champion when we arrived having endured the long trip without being a crab. I credit my pleasant state of mind to the infinite supply of Christmas music on the radio. I love Christmas music, so I sang along, danced in my seat, and tuned into a variety of music. All went well during the visit. Dad liked the soft cookies I had baked special for him. We all sat around the table together, had dinner and passed around presents. Dad napped for a while and we visited with Mom. I am so glad we did not give up because of weather or traffic. It lifted my mother's spirits to have us there. We left her with cash and gifts and a clean sink.

The trip back was easy. And it was great to get home. I am glad we brought my brother but it was nice to drop him off, too (sort of like grand kids?). We were glad he did not spend the holiday alone. We also had taken him looking at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve with us. We were focused on being charitable this year, so I explained to the kids that we were being charitable with our time and our holiday by including him even though at times he is hard to be around. We enjoyed lots of good times at home over the holiday weekend but I was left feeling a little worn out.

So I have been recuperating from the rush of the holiday, the not normal foods, the busy and intense week I had last week at work, and from the stresses of getting the right medical care for my daughter. I am happy to say that we have found a good psychiatrist. She also loves her therapist and so do I. It is relief to feel she is in good hands. Now I can focus a little more on taking care of me. I have been reading health and fitness magazines. I love doing that. I submerge myself in information. I have been focused on getting back into the right foods for me and limiting portions. I have felt tired, though, and a bit like I am coming down with a cold so exercise has not been too hot.

I want to sleep for New Year's and do absolutely nothing. I want to go to the gym and have my steam/swim tomorrow and then lounge around and read fitness magazines and sleep. I'd like to take a chilly bike ride on the trail sometime this weekend. I miss my bike rides. I think I need some time to do whatever I feel like doing.

More will be revealed.

Sunday, December 20, 2009


This week my daughter and I spent a full day (Wednesday) in the ER for her panic/anxiety. We have finally found a therapist who saw us the following day in the evening. We also found a new MD who saw her Friday for over an hour. It was a week of revealing information and much time spent with medical people. It was scary and I think I am in a bit of a shock. The good news is that my daughter is getting some help. There is no instant cure for what she is dealing with but there is help. I have been looking for a therapist that would be a good fit for her and a new doc and this week after persistent phone calls and such, I finally found them. They are on the same street and about two miles from our house. They are available, flexible and they both spent way more than the average visit with us. Over an hour. I think it is amazing.

I had no idea my daughter struggled as much as she did during the school day. Now I understand why she spends so much time at home in the evening on her studies. She basically home schools herself (doing a good job with a GPA of 4.0) because in class she struggles with anxiety so much that it is hard to participate. Anyway, I don't want to get into her personal stuff on here too much but I am both releived to understand some of it but also sad that I never knew before so that I could be more helpful. She was so highly functional except for the sleep problems that I did not know how bad it was.

So I missed work and had to work Saturday because we have a big deal closing right before Christmas and a trial in the first week of the new year. I am just glad I have work frankly and that I have insurance and am getting paid. So the week was a balancing act. My mood is good but I think I am in survival mode. We Christmas shopped last night which was nice. For a few days we forgot about the holiday entirely but we are back into it.

Things will get better but right now I need to be there even more than usual for the kids. Grandson lost his other Grandmother right after Christmas in January 2007. Even though it was a few years back, it is still present. I feel good about where we are as a family. I feel good about the holidays and life in general. But the gym is on the back burner this weekend and food, well, not so bad but not so great, either.

I had a friend give me a guilt trip yesterday because I cancelled plans because I was working so long. I don't need friends like that right now. I was really happy to be working and focused yesterday because I was way too distracted during the week. No, I don't have time to entertain people, but I do have time for the priorities in my life right now. And that's what matters to me today.

More will be revealed..

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Favorite Workout

I did my favorite workout today. It's the pool, steam, sauna, repeat workout. I do laps of my pool work out, then steam, sauna and back to pool for laps. I felt so good afterwards that I did cardio and weight resistance in the gym. Then I felt so good that I tackled Christmas shopping...
I can't wait to go back and do it again.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Today's Inspiration

Today's inspiration came from Knit, Run, Repeat. I was reminded of perseverance. Never giving up. It has been a while since I wrote about that. I have felt myself to be in a slump, maintaining the greater share of my overall loss but longing to get those ten pounds off. I stay gentle with myself, though, because I can turn a goal into a cycle of self abuse....seeing myself as a failure and using it to bash myself.

So this past year I mainly focused on working very hard at my job and dealing with the impending job loss, and the resulting job change. It was great to not gain tons of weight with the stress of it all. It was fantastic to work very hard and have it pay off. It was even more fantastic to see it as an opportunity (most of the time) and the get some help (therapy) during the thick of it all. My weight loss was on the back burner but maintaining and not gaining over that scare weight threshold was not.

I can pick my battles and draw my lines. My life has to be a balance of sorts. Self acceptance at any weight, phase, state of mind, or ANY situation is crucial. Essential. It is wonderful to want better, it is good to set goals. But it is the foundation of my peace of mind to find the joy, beauty and love right where I am at this moment, this day, this body, and this life in the here and now - NO MATTER WHAT....

More will be revealed and thanks to the running knitter!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Return of Energy

I had energy today and I was in a mysteriously good mood all day. Mysterious because last night I had a mini-meltdown when I came home and went into the depths for some of the evening. I came home in a rush and wanted to make a nice dinner but the kitchen counters and dining room table were covered with a smear of stuff. Plus, dirty dishes in the sink really get to me and we did not do them the night before, because I had worked until 7 and had a 7:30 pm conference call. Working with people across the planet sometimes calls for odd hours. So Monday night there was no time for housekeeping.

Anyway, back to the meltdown, I had grocery shopped on the way home and arrived with a large load of stuff. I find grocery shopping strenuous but I was in a good mood because I had things I thought the kids would really enjoy. Daughter helped with all the unpacking and I started prepping for dinner (with my coat still on.... bad idea) in a bit of a rush. I kept running into roadblocks, no room on the counter, dishes not clean, etc. In fact, there was not a clean spot to lay out a meal. Instead of taking a deep breath, changing clothes and enlisting kids to help prior to getting the food ready I got all bent out of shape. Daughter was snippy, too and that only added fuel to my fire. I gave them their food and left vowing not to return unless the house was clean ... stating I would check into a hotel if I had to (wouldn't' that be fantasy land that is) but I did not really mean it.

I took myself to a cafe and had a very healthy salad. I sat and thought about what a lousy human being I was, not keeping a clean house, not being nice to the kids, losing my temper and so on. I rested. I felt guilty. I texted an apology. I got apologies by text. Eventually, after I was sedated by a nice hot herbal tea, I came home. I did not deal with the mess. I decided to go to bed and rest because I knew if I just ended the day I would feel right again in the morning. If I can do that on nights where I feel stressed it is always better in the morning. I call it sleeping off the day. Some days you just have to sleep it all off.

Maybe I rested well. Who knows. I was two pounds lighter this morning and in a much better frame of mind. I felt happy at work, had a bounce in my step, and tonight I cleaned what was left in the kitchen after daughter did her part. I put a silly party hat on my head that was sitting in the garage before entered the house. I wanted to keep things light no matter what. Daughter had gone out to dinner with a friend. Grandson had an easy meal and I made myself a stir fry of shrimp and broccoli. A far better evening already.

I don't know what the point of all this is really except that no matter how lousy I feel one day I know that if I just stick it out, and, if possible, go to bed early to put it to rest, I will feel better. None of the doom and gloom, angry, stressed, frustrated moods last forever. I refused to overeat last night. I was on thin ice and that would have made it much worse. So I enjoyed the benefit today of feeling lighter and rested.

Sleep and abstinence, what great combination!

One more thing, I have been enjoying herbal teas at work. They satisfy me in between meals. I keep an assortment in my desk. I'd like to make tea in the evening to stave off that evening eating but often do not think of it. I think I will buy some new kinds that I can look forward to. Fruity ones perhaps.

More will be revealed..

Sunday, December 6, 2009


I am tired today because my daughter and I knitted into the wee hours last night. It was my first project and it got a little out of control. I kept mysteriously adding stitches and my scarf had to be terminated early. It would make a nice headband maybe or some sort of knitted collar or even a hood of sorts. I love the yard, and I have started again and can keep track of my stitches so I do not have the same problem again. I had a productive weekend in some ways and not so productive in others.

We put up Christmas lights. I really like our little display. I shopped yesterday morning and picked out a few things. Grandson helped me put them up. They look nice. Not too much and not too little. Simple. I also put up the tree and got the lights on it plus my little shrine of angels and ornaments dedicated to my two sons. I set up the little village and figures and other items that decorate the entertainment center, and even hung stockings on the mantle. Now we just have the rest of the tree decorating to do.

I have even watched a few of my holiday movies. Last year I don't think I got around to it. This year I am starting early and enjoying my collection. I collect different versions of A Christmas Carol, and other holiday movies. I love watching them with the glow of the tree lights nearby.

Got a good walk in yesterday but was too tired today for anything. I can't stay up late anymore, it makes me too tired the next day. I did not go overboard with food this weekend but I did not have a very good food plan, either so I suppose I am still in maintenance mode and not losing mode yet. I want to be in losing mode but I have to do the work. I have had an aversion to green veggies and any veggies for that matter the past week or so. Very odd for me. But I made a big salad yesterday and am prepared for the week with my veggie supply.

Planning to go to the gym on my way home tomorrow. I even prepped a casserole for the kids to pop in the oven for their dinner so I don't have to worry about that. As for me I hope to nibble lightly after a workout.

More will be revealed!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Wednesday already!

This week seems to be going by fast. Yesterday was odd - I went to the gym after work for cardio. I felt great when I got home but then I commenced to eat too much. Phooey. So today I had little appetite. I have been faithful in my morning exercises but that evening eating has got to go! I am at the library blogging while daughter looks for books. Free wifi on the mini laptop. I am going to browse magazines, too. One of my favorite passtimes. I have also taken up knitting. Need to keep the hands busy so they can't reach for food..Tonight is much better than last night. I am finished eating. Case closed.