Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Today I was only one pound over my starting weight as opposed to two, so I am counting that as a victory. The scale told me that when life hands me a lemon to put it in some natural water and drink it - something like that. I've been putting lime in my water the past day or two. I have a nice tall glass of water right now. But let's talk a little about the lemons.

Today daughter woke up with a raging sore throat. I know she felt hideous but since it is the last day before Thanksgiving break, and she is still making up the work from missing three days last week, she went to school. I felt bad sending her. She took something for the sore throat, and went. She was real grumpy to me but then texted an apology. Last week we had a disagreement with the doctor's office. I have been taking her every time she misses school I constantly tell them that I think she gets sick a lot and what can we do. The past two times she went we had a young woman doctor that we had maybe had once or twice in the past. This doctor made me leave the room. The first visit when she did this she questioned my daughter about her sexual behavior. My daughter does not have an sexual behavior and never has, and told the doctor this. Then she told us she was testing for a urinary tract infection. My daughter went off to pee in a cup. She came back crying. She said they wanted her to pee again and she could not. They wanted two samples. I thought that was odd. Haley felt really sick and I took her and the second cup home. I was suspicious but I complied and brought them back some pee. She said she did not understand why they needed two cups.

I got the lab bill last week. They tested her for pregnancy and two STD's which were all negative. They never told me about these tests, and they never told her. Meanwhile she still gets sick again and this time I am told to leave the room again. She gets questioned again about sex, and also depression and mental stuff. Same doctor who again wants more pee and tests for a urinary tract infection. Now here's the stupidest part. The doctor noted the file the second time that my daughter is sexually active, which Haley again had told her she is not. But, this time she only tested for urinary tract infection and not the other stuff. It made no sense either time but she defended her self when I brought it up by saying that Haley told her she was sexually active the second visit, the visit where she did NOT do the sexually related tests. To make a long story short, I ended up in contact with the head of the entire practice, who was in contact with his lawyer. My daughter, the boss and the dumb doctor (sorry, I am still pissed) met. Haley was allowed to amend her medical record to reflect her lack of sexual activity.

But I still have a kid who gets sick often and instead of looking into other things, I had a doctor obsessing that she was secretly having sex. I had to get this off my chest. They told me seventy percent of girls her age have sex. You know what? i don't care. She doesn't. Can we please figure out why she gets sick so much? Instead of eating I am writing.

I have a lemon doctor. Maybe some moms would be glad the doc is testing for stuff we don't have and assuming my kid is a liar, but I don't appreciate it at all. If I thought she was having sex, I would not take her to the pediatrician for heaven's sake, I'd go to to an OB/GYN. There are lots of places for that stuff. Sheesh.

So I am drinking my lime water and musing over where to take her to the doctor now for the sore throat. We can keep going to the same practice and make sure we never see that one doctor again. But my confidence in them is shot.

I still feel puffy but I am only one pound over my "scare weight" and I am wearing my size six pants so I am not allowed to whine or complain or get all freaked out about weight. I have much to be grateful for. I feel guilty for even worrying about food after hearing a news story about Zimbabwe where people are literally pulling grain kernels out of dung, boiling it and eating it. There's some perspective for me. I feel like fasting and sending the food I would have eaten to Zimbabwe. Seriously. What a luxury problem. Worrying about eating too much. I sent food with my grandson when he visited his mother because they did not have enough, either. And here I am worried about consuming too much...hmmmmmmm

More will be revealed.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Day one of Talking Scale

OK, now I know what the scale says when you gain. This is my first day and it said I was two pounds over my starting weight which was yesterday...I say EEK. The scale says "don't sweat the small stuff - if you are having a stressful day, exercise" which is a good idea. It also said to write down everything I eat. So I will. I can do those two simple things. My feet felt swollen when I awoke. I night ate low sugar, home made breakfast bars, several times in the night. I hot flashed all night and I am having one now. My exercise this weekend consisted of bowling, going up and downstairs at home with the closet/clothes cleaning project, and walking around the mall. Other than that I did no exercising. I thought I did good with food yesterday but blew it with the night eating of daughter's breakfast bars. I made them myself so she could have something healthy to eat in the mornings since she does not eat milk/cereal or eggs and she is sick of yogurt.

So, I won't sweat the two pounds even though it kinda shocked me. This bloating and swelling must have something to do with the hot flashing and, well, the night eating. I so much do not want to get into that cycle again. I gained like crazy in my night eating days. So, this morning I walked the dog briskly in the cold prior to leaving for work. It made me feel really good. And, as for night eating, what would be better is a cold bottle of water. I will keep that on hand. I slept on the couch which is too close to the kitchen, because my bed is stacked with clothes waiting to be washed. My room is under moth control. I have not seen many but I am not finished with the eradication project. It is ongoing.

OK. No sweating of two pound gain when I wanted loss. We don't always get what we want. I do feel like a puffy balloon. Maybe the pizza caught up with me and along with the tin of chocolate covered mints. Maybe I need to give Kay Sheppard a look. I have some underlying stress that I am not even facing. But overall, my daughter and I had a wonderful weekend together. We shopped on Sunday and then spent the afternoon and evening with a fire burning in the kitchen, me cooking and washing clothes and helping her study all cozy on the couch. I cooked chicken breasts and baked potatoes and made big salads. I skipped the potato but had the pumpkin custard I make with half the sugar but it still has calories and sugar. She does not like crust, so it's pumpkin pie without crust basically and less sugar with more spices. OK so I did not really watch my food so good. Writing it down will take care of that.

I will write down the food and exercise today, while drinking loads of water. And see if I can't get the scale to say something else tomorrow. I will take it's suggestion. Even if I am not having a stressful day, I will get some more exercise. I am disappointed, but night eating is always a weight gaining situation in my experience and it needs to be dealt with promptly. I am prepared with bottled water veggies already cut for an alternative. Even an apple could have been better in my opinion. Better if I had not awakened some five or six times....I even took something to help me sleep. What's the deal??

So today I am wearing my size ten pants instead of the sixes or eights and so they feel kinda loose, and I am celebrating my fuller figure and curves. I have plenty of clean clothes to choose from because of the ongoing closet project - Things I forgot I owned. I am wearing a very pretty scarf, it is a slimming attractive outfit. I put on make up and a nice fragrance and feel good about my body. I will do push ups in the file room and my ab work. I will try to get to the gym for intense cardio perhaps this evening, but I am not sure how I to fit that in. If not, I can go up and down those four flights of steps and take a very brisk, fast walk and take another doggie walk tonight.

There is a solution. More will be revealed!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Gifts from the Universe Continue - a/k/a a new Weigh

I got an e-mail Monday from a public relations company. They offered to send me a product free of charge so I could try it and give them feed back. They found me through my blog. I investigated to see if they were legitimate. This is really interesting. At first I thought it would be something like a supplement, etc. I was skeptical. But here is what it is - a "scale" but it does not tell you the number you weigh. It tracks whether you lose or gain and it tells you stuff. It talks to you. It is called Mary Lou's Weigh. You can google it. I said I'd try it. It sells for about 80 dollars so it makes a nice free-bee actually. I got it yesterday. It only does ten pounds at a time. It came with a little booklet and a DVD. I will start using it tomorrow.

Blind weighing is intriguing to me. So is feedback. So is a talking scale. I have only opened the box and have not read the stuff yet. It allows for two people to use it at a time. It records your starting weight and then goes from there. It does not ever tell you the number. That's all I know so far. I will give an update tomorrow after I officially start.

Perfect timing, too. I am all fluffed up this week. We had eating affairs at work and I had run-ins with noodles at home. It was just an off beat week for me in many ways. But I am not hating myself. In fact I am just seeing how a little fluffiness impacts me. In some ways I like a fuller face, and a rounder figure, but in other ways I don't like annoying flab hanging over my pants. But I am not extremely up. Just enough that I am at what I would call my scare weight for now.

So, it is nice that I have an encouraging "scale" waiting for me. One that won't tell me the number because I do not want to know the number today at all. The Universe must really know my needs and provide for them! It came out of nowhere at just the right moment.

I am sitting in my cozy spot with a fire going on a Saturday morning. I have a small roast cooking in the oven. I feel very content. My daughter and I are going to a bowling (of all things) party with the lawyers I work with. It should be interesting. It is a family thing. My grandson is at his mother's for the weekend so it is a me and daughter weekend and that is nice. We ordered pizza last night and watched a movie. Hence, the scale aversion today. Thin crust and veggies. She is not wanting to go to the bowling thing but I think it will be fun. I am going because I want to meet the families of my co-workers and do a little bonding.

Other than that, I have a moth problem in my closet. I have lived 50 years without this and now I feel like the moth ball smelling old lady. I have taken all the clothes out and I have LOTS of clothes. They are laying in my room waiting to be dealt with. The moths are in the closet with a bright light shining and a bunch of smelly moth crystal stuff. I cannot stand that smell. I will finish pulling all my stuff out of the closet this weekend, vacuum, spray, and wash all the clothes, shake them out hang them outside or do anything else anyone tells me to do for the moth deal. Where did they come from??? Maybe it's a good thing, I needed to clean that closet out. Maybe I will find something I have been missing.

Anyone with information on moth control let me know. This is too weird.

More will be revealed.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

My Cozy Spot


I am in my hearth area. It is such a warm room even without a fire. The warm colors and the cozy atmosphere are too pleasant to entertain any anxiety this morning. I was anxious earlier when I woke up. My daughter is having her dizzy spells again and feeling very bad. I took her to the doctor but that was somewhat frustrating. I am staying home, yesterday and today. That made me anxious, and I felt frozen on a project because I could not get motivated to do it. Then fear set in. But I have banished those feelings in favor of celebrating my life today just the way it is.

I love this room I will take a photo soon, my daughter is sleeping and she has the USB cable for my camera. I have come a long way. Not just with weight. With my other struggles - with men. The Weed cropped up last week but this time he left on his own. How cool is that??? He saw his own behavior because I did not react. I was detached. I was polite but not very accommodating. He pronounced his own weaknesses and put some closure on things. I did not have to do anything. He cannot hurt me. He has absolutely no power over me. He has problems and I have no desire or feeling of obligation to fix them.

What a nice feeling it is to just be myself and let other people be themselves and to not feel like I have to get involved in things. The admirer guy from a couple of weeks ago is still around on a casual basis. The one I went to the river with. We have had breakfast, coffee, and he came to dinner when I had a few people over. He is interesting to talk to about business type things and other stuff. I have not gotten romantic with him. He is in the possibilities but probably friend category. Sometimes I feel a little warmed up to him but then it cools right back down. It is a safe and comfortable feeling for me to just be able to objectively get to know people. Wow, do normal people do this all their lives and I just now figured it out? ? Better late than never. Men don't wield power over my emotions any more. How'd that happen? Even dreams about my ex don't bother me. I am in a comfortable safe place right now. My self esteem no longer comes from external stuff.

I have a lot of work to do today. I was feeling anxious about working from home, job fears but I decided to let those go, too. They don't do me any good. Seems like people have needed me more lately and I was feeling pressed by all directions but I can go into my own safe little peaceful place and not take on the world's problems. One thing I like about the admirer is he will bring me coffee, and tells me nice things that I know he means. I don't have to be attracted to him like a boyfriend to enjoy his admiration and attention. It is nice for someone to come over and bring coffee, and help build the fire, stay a while and then leave. Boundaries are great.

Food is up and down but not completely out of control. I am at peace with that too. I am grateful my job is still around, and my home is intact, my kids are ok, and I live in a beautiful environment that I put together myself. I believed in it and it is here. I think I will believe in more things and be as positive as I can be. Celebrate everything. Blogging has changed my life. I know it has. It is the missing link for me. I am so grateful for it.

More will be revealed.

Monday, November 17, 2008

What I have Learned

After doing the carb deplete a few different times I have learned something very important about me. I can't do carb deplete without having a major depressive episode. Probably because I am on the depressive side anyway. It is exciting at first because the scale is on my side but sooner or later my brain gets very weird. It has happened every time. I promised my daughter I would not do it again. It may be the way I do my carb deplete but I am not willing to risk it again. She said she'd rather I weigh more and be happy than to keep trying to lose more and have those episodes. She even said she thinks maybe that's why some heavier people are "jolly" because they get to have all the feel good carbs. I like the way she sees things sometimes. Level headed and honest.

Now, I am not going to the other end of the spectrum on the carbs, either. I dont' have to have all the Jolly carbs but I do need to watch out for extremes. I have also noticed a tendency to binge again after the depletion. I have not had those binging episodes in a long time, not like the ones I have had after carb depletion. It must be my addict's mind, like Helen talks about. I need a steady balance of something. So I am trying to stabilize myself. My weight is up a bit. I have been having major hot flashes for weeks now. It took a week to recover from my last carb deplete last weekend.

I am going to focus on exercise and balanced diet for now. A balanced diet aimed at taking a few pounds back off but not too aggressive on goals. I have come along way and don't want to blow it by high expectations. Also focusing on accepting and maintaining my body at a range from the upper to mid 140's to mid 150's. For now. I don't want to get into thinking I have to lose more than that because it seems too impossible and I get into some negative thinking (and behavior). Not that I would not like to be ten pounds lower but for now I want to stabilize and accept myself where I am, get my brain happy, and keep working on physical abilities.

I rode my bike yesterday morning. It was really nice. It is a major workout because there are so many hills. I raked leaves, too. I had people over for dinner last Sunday and lit fire in the fireplace. It was very nice. So now the fireplace is broken in and I have lit a couple fires on my own. My daughter loves it. I also love hanging out in the kitchen now that I have the cozy couch. Things are going pretty good. I just need to get myself on a more stable and off of what appears to have become a roller coaster with the food.

More will be revealed!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Today's Inspiration

My reading this morning was so good I have to re-print it here. It is from a book called Forgiving and Moving On. It's a collection of daily readings.

November 7
Today I recognize that constantly craving things keeps me locked in a cycle of binging and purging the stuff of life. The world can only give me so much. My true happiness lies in the realization and communion with myself and my Higher Power. When I think that I need a new car, house, or person (add for me - a better body, job or some chocolate, etc..), I am not recognizing that my real happiness does not depend upon moving the externals of my life around. When I am at peace with myself, I will be able to see clearly what I need to create for satisfaction. I will let go of the feeling that I will only be happy when I give all my power away to things and people outside myself. Contentment is an inside job; until I can feel it within me, nothing I do outside will have a lasting effect.

I see craving as a cycle of self-abuse.
What poison is to food, self pity is to life. Oliver C. Wilson.

Then, here is what I got from the Universe -

It takes a BIG person, Cynthia, to accept full responsibility for their own happiness.It takes an even BIGGER person to accept full responsibility for their own unhappiness.But, Cynthia, it takes a spiritual GIANT, who upon realizing any degree of unhappiness, decides to be the change they seek - in spite of having to endure the "same old, same old" that may still linger on for awhile. Yeah.
Fee-Fi-Foe-Fum, The Universe

These are so amazing! They describe much of my philosophy of life. I was feeling icky this morning from eating sweets and salts and over amping on caffeine much of the week. But I had already made a decision at bedtime last night to de-tox with green tea, and a week one crack the fat loss code food plan today. After my readings I feel totally at peace with myself. I know what to do to take care of myself, including my body. And I am doing it right now.

Happy Friday!!!!!!! More will be revealed!!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Yesterday there was a garage sale in a building near mine. There was a couch that looked like it would be great for my hearth area. The hearth area is the final spot I needed to furnish to complete my home. I have been determined to find the right furniture at nominal cost. I even drove to the country to look at my buddy Joe's monstrosity of a couch last weekend. I had my doubts about it but was willing to use it if nothing showed up. I stalked the garage sale couch most of the day. They wanted too much for it. Every time I went somewhere I passed it. Each kid had a chance to confirm that it would be great in the hearth area, just right in fact. It makes into a bed which means it is very heavy. I decided if it was there at the end of the day I would make an offer. So as the man was putting things away, I stopped by. I found a dresser, a rocker, a foot stool, and a little vanity chair and made him a lump sum "bundle" offer. He took it.

My grandson and I had to try and get the heavy couch down the hill to our building. We were dragging and carrying and two neighbors came out to help. It was cool. I had faith that if I was willing to wait for the right couch, I'd find one I could afford. I had faith that if we started moving it down the hill, we'd get it there eventually and someone might even help. I know that the couch is insignificant in the big picture of life, but these little acts of faith add up to whole-ness somehow for me. I am sitting on the couch now. It is in excellent condition. My daughter had a friend over to spend the night and they broke in the sleeper. It had never been used. It is a small couch really but just right for the room. My dream of sitting in front of the fire is going to come true this year. And the little antique rocker is a bonus along with the other stuff. I have been watching sales in my neighborhood. People have nice stuff here.

Anyway, I had a mini date last night with the guy who tried to pick me up in the produce store. He had met me a year ago at a benefit I went to with my buddy Joe and other friends. He remembered me. I did not take him up on going to the picnic he told me about in the produce store, but ran into him again last week. He seemed so earnestly interested in me that I gave him my number. Joe said he was a big hearted nice guy but did not want to weigh in on whether he was right for me. The guy is a contractor and runs a deck and fence business and subcontracts other home improvement jobs. I met him for coffee and we went down to the river and he showed me a new spot. We climbed up on a gigantic log and sat. We got our feet muddy. I have to admit looking back it was nice and kind of fun. But he's kinda weird, and I left the date firmly believing that he would be nice to hang out with but no romance at this time. Thinking back on it today I feel slightly different but not much.

So here is the deal with complete-ness. It is not just my house, my hearth room that feels complete. It is me. Sure the guy is ok and it was nice to go out and be admired but I am so okay without it having to work out. I don't need to have this guy fit into "the one" scenario. I'd love to have someone to cuddle by the fire with, don't get me wrong, but I can wait. If there's a cuddler in my near future, great. If not, there's always the dog!