Sunday, January 30, 2011

Gym Love

My Saturday work out was wonderful. I was there for almost 2 hours. I think the good part is that I am there at 7:30 a.m and I have all the time I want. I don't have to be anywhere for hours, if at all. I did cardio and then weights and then cardio and then weights and then cardio and then weights. I love being able to take my time and not feel like I am neglecting something else in order to be there. I felt fantastic afterward. It was the best way to start the weekend. I had to paint a wall at the rental house and I was so proud of myself for doing it. It has been a productive weekend. I even cleaned a corner of the garage this morning.

I went for a short workout this evening. I got so much exercise doing chores and cleaning that I felt very active all day. I was frustrated last week because no weight came off. I have changed my diet dramatically so I expected results. I am not worried now, because the exercise has kicked in and even if the pounds take a while to come off, I know I will be getting healthier. And, if I keep up with the food changes I will get results.

We have major storm warnings. The stores were packed with people getting supplies. I went out for batteries and fire logs. I usually don't get too worried about this stuff but I wanted to be prepared. I do not want to drive in ice. The news is really hyping things up. I hope it is not that bad.

More will be revealed. . .

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Inching along

Last night I drove past the gym on my way home from work. The parking lot was crowded and I was intimidated. I did not go. Tonight I MADE myself go. I drove up and down the potholed lanes until I found a space. I went in and changed clothes, did 20 minutes of cardio, changed again, and left. It was very crowded. I don't like going when it is crowded but I went and I am glad I did. I can't believe I am this gym-adverse. I remember when I couldn't get enough of the gym. What I really want is to go in the morning. That would mean getting up very early. I doubt it is crowded at that time but then I have never been there early.

I had to do a health screening for our new insurance provider at work. I got a cholesterol test on the way to work. It was an instant read. It sucked. It was 250. The good was only 63. My good used to be higher and my bad lower. The worst part was the glucose reading at 116 and I had fasted. The nurse said to get it checked again by a lab. 116 is pre-diabetes. I was inching up before but never that high. But what can I expect? That's the reading I get from laying around and eating basically. What bothers me is that at 200 pounds my readings were better than this. Now 40 pound lighter they are worse. The slug stage must end. I am scared actually. It isn't even about what I look like anymore. It is about staying alive and feeling better.

On a happier note, my blood pressure is fantastic.

So I am going to bed and maybe, just maybe I will get up early (but then I will not have my full night's sleep, such a dilemma) and go work out. .

More will be revealed.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Long Day

I worked until a little after 7:30. Luckily I had some cottage cheese at work that I ate at around six. I came home and had my veggies and grain but need a tad more protien to go with it. I am writing a quick post. I was sore today from yesterday's workout and it made me happy. I am sad that I got off work so late that I could not go to the gym. I am so very tired right now but think that some yoga might help before bed time. I had trouble falling asleep last night and want to be careful not to do anything that would make me to awake. I was a pound down today. My food today was perfect. I am going to go to bed early so I don't do any stress eating. I felt a bit stressed when I got home because it was so late. Some days are like this and I just have to let it go. I can workout tomorrow. Right now I need rest.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

More Snow

We had a nice little snow shower today. Maybe an inch or two. Big fluffy flakes. I walked the dog in it and we had a good time. I felt like I got more of a work out in the snow. We still had seven inches on the ground from last week. I cooked all of my turkey and chicken, weighed out portions and froze them, keeping enough for today and tomorrow in the fridge. I washed, cut and bagged lettuce and baked sweet potatoes. I am ready. Today has been a good food day. I feel tired and a little crampy in my legs now but earlier I felt ok. I had some running around to do and did not get to go by the gym yet. I feel like I could fall asleep right now but I have work to do. I wonder if I am having carb withdrawal. I felt kind of moody earlier. I am eating carbs but not like I was and they are the smart carbs and not the fast acting ones.

I believe I had a pretty good night's sleep. If I get a second wind I will exercise more but right now I honestly feel like I need a nap!\

Update, after reading blogs I am at this moment putting on my shoes and GOING TO THE GYM.

Update, again - I paid my yearly dues, had a workout and took a class schedule home. Hooray!

More will be revealed..

Saturday, January 22, 2011


Tonight I bought food. Lots of it. Chicken breasts, turkey breasts, ground turkey, turkey sausage, salmon, cottage cheese. Green vegetables including lots of broccoli. Tomorrow I will cook and feeze the chicken and turkey and clean and cut the veggies. I also bought some frozen veggies. I have my whole oats. I have my boiled eggs. I am going to get my body for life for women book out and read the part about older women and our dietary needs. I went by the gym near where daughter works. It is a branch of the gym to which I belong but need to pay up my yearly dues. The guy could not figure out how to pay by the year so I will pay tomorrow at the one out here. Having one by dauther's job is perfect. I drop her off at 7:30 am, on Saturday - I can go work out directly afterward. Or I can work out before I pick her up. There is nothing to stop me. I have to be out there anyway. There is a gym by work in this same chain. And one near home. I want to enjoy working out again, and look forward to it. But for now even if I have to force myself to go I will go. I want to go I just don't feel like going if that makes sense. I feel it is almost life or death that I do this. Quality of life. Taking care of myself and so on.

More will be revealed.

Old and Fat

And lazy. This may not be a pretty post. But I find it necessary. In my forties I gained a significant amount of weight, some 40 or so pounds. At my highest weigh-in I was 209 pounds. As I began to lose I would often tell myself that I could not avoid getting old but I could do something about the fat. When I say fat I mean body fat, the real thing. I was fortunate. I took a sometimes very relaxed approach but I made steady and slow progress until I lost over 50 pounds being at my lowest maybe 146 for a fleeting moment. I felt good anywhere around the low to mid 150's but I had also worked out during these years and had some muscle. I have been told by an older friend that at our age where muscle is concerned it is use it or lose it. I do not believe I have been to the gym in six months. That is where I get my weight training. At home I have some hand weights I use but that does nothing for the rest of my body. I weigh 162 today. There is more fat there than there was a year ago. Fat that I cannot afford.

I feel tired much of the time and I am not motivated. Even though I am less than I weigh years ago at that top weight I feel perhaps as strong of a sense of crisis about this as I did then. I cannot afford this weight. And I cannot afford this lifestyle. My happiness and my health are both compromised. Would I have more energy if I changed the way I eat and worked out? I sure hope so! I believe I would. Would I have more energy if I weighed less? Yes and no. Yes if I ate healthy, no if starved or ate junk. Would I feel better in other ways? Yes.

I don't want to make excuses for my body and say "at least I kept most of the weight off" or "it is better than it was and I should appreciate it" because those lines keep me from doing anything about what is still a health problem. I notice now that when I gain my belly instantly feels it. I think of heart disease.

I need to get off my rear end literally and stop toying around. I am lucky, yes, that I only have 20 pounds to lose. Or even 15 to be a normal body mass index. But I do not want to be at the tip of the normal BMI teetering on the brink of overweight. I want to be a safe distance from overweight. Because where I am does not feel good at all. I want to raise the bar. Set a new standard and take control.

In the past year I have seen myself aging. I have been feeling like this is it. Nothing exciting will happen anymore, I will not ever fall in love or be fallen in love with again, no one takes me seriously, blah blah blah, because I am old. And, it's all over. It's all downhill. I do not know why this thinking has slithered into my head. I do not like it at all and if I think about it I don't actually believe it has to be true. But if I keep thinking it I will make it true. Exciting things can and do happen over 50. People fall in love at any age. Where is this negativity coming from? I don't even need to find the cause, I need to kick it out of my head.

I must be true to myself every day, and every decision. Sometimes I come home and night and I don't care if I gain or lose, I just want to lay down and shut out the world. I am tired from a stressful workday and I feel alone. I don't feel like going to a gym or cooking healthy food. I have to combat this. Maybe I should go to the gym straight from work and de-stress. Perhaps I should bring something I can eat for dinner to work with me. I could at least do this a couple of days a week. The kids would be fine. They are teens and sometimes they are not even home. They could make dinner. I can keep cooked chicken, boiled eggs, cottage cheese, and other lean proteins on hand at ALL times. I can steam broccoli in mass quantities. There is a way to do this.

I am tired of being tired. Something is going to change. Mentally and physically. I refuse to be "fat" and I refuse to discriminate against myself on basis of age!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


We are getting a grand snowfall tonight. I just took the dog out for a very brisk walk in it. It is so beautiful. I have always loved snow. It softens the sounds and gives a peaceful stillness. It highlights the trees and adds its own beauty. I got some exercise and I feel good. Today was a very challenging workday. But I have decided to put work behind me when I leave and find extra enjoyment in my evenings. Sometimes I feel worn out and do not want to do anything but I must do the opposite and find something to get excited about. Tonight it was the snow. Thank goodness for the snow.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Better Day

This morning I was dreaming about two cute little dogs side by side that we had adopted. They were like twins and they were constantly side by side. I woke up feeling good this morning and I had a very good day at work. I felt the opposite of yesterday. Last night I had a long talk on the phone with a friend about work and my feelings and my co-workers. I got it all out of my system. Today I felt so much better. Like a weight had been lifted. I was a pound down on the scale which was completely unexpected. My eating has changed. I have settled into my evening veggie routine and I have been taking salad as my lunch this week. I was able to do some grocery shopping over the weekend so I am better prepared. My food is not perfect but I am much happier with it now.

I am sleepy and going to bed. Sleep is a must.

Monday, January 17, 2011


This morning I was dreaming that my father was sleeping in my mother's bed. I was happy to find that out and I went into the room. I did not want to wake him. I could hear him breathing. I wanted to take off work so I could be with him. I kept wondering why it was such a big deal to hear him breathing. Then I woke up. I remembered that he died. I felt so sad. I did not want to go to work. I did not want to do anything. I felt kinda low most of the day. Work has challenges and it is lonely. I felt even more lonely after the dream. I hate that people die. I wish I could have talked to my father before he died. The last time I saw him he did not even see me really or know who I was. I cannot remember the last conversation I had with him when he knew who I was. I wish I could have spent more time with him. I wish I never had to grow up and that things had to change. I wish I was still a child living in the house where I grew up. I am tired of working and doing all these grownup things. I just want to sleep.

I had to write that down. Tomorrow is another day. I want to sleep this one off.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I made progress in some key areas yesterday -
Isolation - I attended my favorite support group meeting - Al anon and talked afterward with my good friend who also attends.
Rental property - I showed the house to an interested prospect, but also got a call from a previous prospect who wants to move in on the 5th of February. She is the niece of someone I have known for over ten years who also lives in the area. My friend is a lease administrator and negotiated a higher rent for me with her niece. We are still negotiated on the payment of the additional last month's rent requirement that I now added since people seem to like to skip the last month. There are advantages to the scenario but as with everyone else who has contacted me she has a few issues in the past with credit. She has a significant other that will also be on the lease and I meet him today. It is progress, and it makes me feel good.
Food/health - Saturdays I get up real early to take daughter to her job. I did not sleep well Friday, so after running around in the morning doing what I needed to do, I came home and took a nap. Taking a nap is big progress for me. Napping has been next to impossible in the past. It refreshed me for the rest of the day's activities. Hopefully it helped with the sleep deprived carb cravings that I get. I found myself wanting more carbs but I kept it to the good carbs.
Resisting urges - at bedtime with my yogurt I wanted graham crackers - bad idea - they are food that I recall overeating in the past. I had two. Then I remembered the icky feeling I used to have when I'd eat a whole pack, etc. The idea of eating anymore turned me off. I tried not to regret the two I had, but it felt good to be repulsed by them. They seemed like cardboard - not really food. That is what happens when I use fresh foods or foods that have little processing. The processed foods do not seem like food anymore.
Exercise - Finally resumed the dog walking. Post nap I took him for a short walk - time was limited before I had to leave to pick up daughter. I took a much longer one this morning.

I am reflecting in a healthy way over last year - seeing in what ways I grew and learned, and letting go of regrets, etc. It is a practice I do each year, my end of year review. This one is crammed with stuff but also has the opportunity to be a real triumph, depending on how I look at it.

Got to run but wanted to do my daily post.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Saturday Morning

I am at a restaurant cafe having a breakfast power sandwich with lots of protein and some coffee. I dropped daughter off at work and I have some time to kill before showing the house. I have been emotional the past couple days more than usual and reading blogs helped me remember that it happens when we stop medicating, numbing or otherwise distracting ourselves with food.

I realize I have been in a covert form of victim mode possibly since the announcement of layoffs almost two years ago when I was going to lose my job. I exacerbated it by dabbling in an icky ex boyfriend relationship off and on. My emotional reactions to some other events crossed the victim line as well. Victim = eating for me. I try hard to process what happens to me and think positive, think solution, and keep moving. But perhaps I could not keep up with the volume. I did not even see how much I was turning to food. At an intellectual level at times but I felt I was choosing it and was in control. I don't want to get caught up in too much self examination to the point of wallowing in morbid reflection but I do want to be aware of what triggers negative coping skills and patterns.

And, what promotes healthy coping skills and patterns? External support, for one - be it a group, an organization, healthy friends - providing I actually contact them and spend time with them. I think that the blogging is fantastic. I also need some in person support. This gets tricky. I have to break through the isolationist thinking, the fear, the "I am not good enough" the "I don't like anyone" the "I don't belong" undercurrents that accompany my low points. I have to be brave, determined and summon help from a spiritual source, too.

I refuse to hide anymore but I don't know quite where I want to go to emerge. I'd like a group that deals with eating issues, even if it is mostly geared toward weight loss and not a recovery program. Perhaps I need both. I have to start somewhere.

This morning I am showing the house to an inferior candidate but the only one I have at the moment, I have been speaking with a broker who does rent to own type things but selling is not my intention at the moment because of the value verses loan balance. He is brainstorming and may actually help find a tenant. So I am keeping the faith and paying the mortgage and not focusing on my dwindling resources. I have been much worse off in my life. Much.

I am going into this day a little sleep deprived and hoping for a nap later. Also exercise is an absolute must today. I may go pay my gym dues. They have classes there. Yoga. I HAVE to start connecting. It is getting to the point where I have begun to tell myself I can't connect with people, that I have lost that skill or ability. This cannot be true.

OK gotta get ready to go to the house. Have not been there in over a week. I always fear it has been vandalized but so far nothing has happened.

More will be revealed.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Two pounds a week

I lost two pounds this week. I think that is a reasonable loss. If I keep that up I will be in the range I am looking for in two months. I don't like calculating things too much but I do want to have a reasonable goal. I have been reluctant to have any goals related to weight loss because of the fear of failure. But two pounds for this week is nice. I want stability and accountability. I had my evening vegging out session and I am reading. I read Passing For Thin and I am moving on to Angry Fat Girls, soon to be released as Eating Ice Cream With My Dog. I am sleepy and very glad of Friday!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Vegging out

Here is the real hedgehog. I think his name should be Rudolph. So far no one agrees.

Back to vegging out - Literally. I have decided to make sure I have plenty of vegetables every evening. Tonight I am having shredded cabbage mix with very light dressing and steamed broccoli. I also stuffed a wheat pita full of spring mix and a little bit of chicken breast. That's my dinner and it is very satisfying. I had brussels sprouts last night and a salad pita. I lost another pound. Two more and I will be back at my pre Christmas low (which actually pretty much of a high, depending on how you look at it) and ready to tackle the real weight. I feel like this is just water/bloat, etc. But I am glad.

It has been very cold and I have not walked. I have been tired and working late and not exercising. Must get out of that and do something.

Anyway, that's my short report. Keeping my spirits up. Writing out my food and tallying it as the day goes on. Measuring. Planning. And water, lots and lots of water. These are the things that work for me. It feels safe and it feels like home.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

This morning I woke up to snow. I love snow. I slept in a little and then called the closest tire place. I bought four new tires and drove to work worry free. I love new tires. No more sliding.
The hedgehog is in my room already. Boyfriend took her to pick him up in the snowy weather last night. He spent the night in her room but it got really chilly. So today while I was at work they had a snow day and she put his container on top of the entertainment center in my room where the birds used to be. It's ok for now because I was missing the birds a little. But it is only temporary because of the cold. Apparently they don't like the cold and daughter's room does not get nearly as warm as mine. Something odd about that side of the house. We have a space heater that we may use but I have a fear of space heaters. Hedgehogs get about the size of small guinea pigs. They are an interesting animal. This one is about 10 weeks old so its about the size of a hamster maybe. I am not familiar with hamsters. It is bigger than a mouse. It has no tail. She can hold him and he will explore and try and crawl up her sleeves. He sits on her lap. But right now he is curled up in a prickly ball because I spooked him when I came in my room. They have soft quills that get hard when they are scared and they roll up into a ball. Leave it to my daughter to find something like this. She loves animals.
Anyway hard to tell but I think my food was better today. Definitely better tonight. I am having my salad. I worked late and then picked up daughter and went to the pet store for stuff for the hedgehog. So it is late but I decided to have my salad no matter what. If I skip stuff I end up grabbing other stuff. I will make some calculations before I go to sleep and log in my food for the day.
The high fiber cereal has sugar so I am going to avoid it. I need fiber, though. And more protein. The scale sucked this morning but I was expecting it. No gain but no loss. I am getting on every day to keep from going in denial. I can do this.
More (hopefully less) will be revealed..

Monday, January 10, 2011

Evening Note

Okay I did pretty good today but got a tad bit sidetracked when I got home from work. I had high fiber cereal and yogurt instead of my salad. I also cottage cheese and low cal high fiber crackers (one serving) and now I am finished. Had a stressful day at work and stuck to my plan all day. Weather got snowy and slippery on the way home and I slid several times and was kind of freaked out when I got home and was supposed to take daughter to pick up a hedgehog. Yes, she is getting a hedgehog for a pet. But I did not think I wanted to slip and slide back out trying to go get it tonight. We had a snit over it but I stuck to my guns. Her boyfriend took her. He did not think the roads were bad - he must have better tires. I need to get new tires on the front of my car, like tomorrow morning in fact. Anyway I responded by grabbing the cereal and yogurt and I wish I'd waited and had my salad instead but the end result in calories is not bad. But I don't like that I diverted in a moment of stress. For some reason salad did not appeal to me at that moment and I was hungry. So, if I eat no more tonight today will be a pretty good day but not super fantastic. I face the scale in the morning and I want results. I will do better tomorrow. I am determined. I am going to put my jammies on and read and get a good night's sleep.

Morning Notes

I am making a commitment to a food plan this morning. I put it together with what I have on hand. I am cooking two eggs and my special toast for breakfast. I have a frozen lunch to heat up for a warm meal of chicken and vegetables. I have two small snacks. Dinner will be salad and turkey and the special toast. And yogurt for the third snack. This is about 1200 calories basically eating six times but smaller meals. I am going to see if this works just for today. I have to start somewhere so I am starting where I am. And, where I am today is far better off than where I was in 2005 when I hit bottom with food and in 2006 when I started blogging. But I am still in a danger zone. The danger of denial, and acceptance of excess weight and excess food. If I don't intervene and do something now I could be back up where I was and further. Plus where I am now is not comfortable for me at all.

I got out my Passing for Thin book last night and began reading it again. It got me started in 2006. It describes the horror of the disease of overeating, but it also describes the hope of recovery from it and the excitement of turning it all around. So that's what I want to do. Recover from a negative pattern of living. Depression and overeating are so mixed up together in my life I need to address both of them together and do anything and everything that works and even be willing to try new suggestions when I can find them.

That's my note and commitment this morning. Also somewhere in this day I know I can fit in some ab exercises and a walk. Probably this evening since I have an early phone meeting I am rushing off to work.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Out with the old and in with the new

I took the Christmas decorations down this morning. It felt good to move on even though I love the holidays. I also gave away my last two birds. I had birds for many years but they are messy and noisy and I no longer wanted to share a room with them. My daughter's best friend wanted them so I knew they were going to a good home. It felt good to give them away. I think this is going to be a year of getting rid of things. I want to clean out the garage and I want to get rid of the clutter in my room. My eating was better the past two days and I have been drinking as much water as I can. I did not keep track very well though and I need to do that so I really know what's going on. I am attracted to crackers and cereal and that type of thing. I need a program and I need one now. So I have my South Beach book and the Kay S. book next to my bed and I am going to read over the foods to enjoy and the foods to avoid.

I hope to post regularly now and move on. Old habits out. New habits in.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Into January Already!

How time passes so fast. I had a very nice Christmas. Only one meltdown on the 23rd. I did better with the food but oddly I ended up gaining the week after. Some things I did that worked well: I had delicious fruit on hand as an alternative to the traditional baked goods. I only baked cookies on Christmas Eve and it was one batch. I baked breads with whole grain flour and less sugar. I walked the dog after eating. The challenge was that I found myself constantly dealing with food, but I was so busy I think I ate less of it. But I believe I gained because I stayed in
Food mode after the holiday and continued to eat more than normal. I have been feeling a little sick this week and not drinking my usual amount of water so I am hoping this weeks pounds can go away quickly. I hate the feeling of tightness in clothes and I feel every extra pound. Then I don't want to go anywhere as if the world will know and judge me for it. That part is very silly. The isolation is part of my problem.

I still have not rented out the house. I had one prospect that said they wanted it February if I did not rent it out before then but she has not returned the paperwork or my calls. I hate dealing with people like this. They all seem so self centered, irresponsible and wanting something for nothing sometimes. They don't respect a contract that they sign they just do what they need to do to get what they want when they want it even if it involves lying. I had to get that off my chest, I think I just have had a bad experience or two and I am getting jaded about people. I wish I did not have to deal with this but deal I must so I will try and get my positive thinking going. I cannot afford to slip into depression. I already feel it tugging at me.

I think I am going to go ahead and spend the money to go to the gym. I feel so sluggish and it always helped in the past. My best times involved gym visits. I need to do what works.

On January 3rd I always think back to 2005 when I hit bottom at about 206 pounds. I am over 40 pounds less than that this year, but long to be the 15 or even 20 pounds less that I was in 2008. It felt victorious and new. Now I feel scared and out of control. Climbing up instead of down. I feel like a failure or that I spoiled my victory. And it is all about food. Stupid food. Food that is supposed to be used to sustain and energize not harm and humiliate. What's the deal? I don't want to take good things and make them bad anymore. Sometimes I look back on my life and see constant struggle. I guess that's why I named this blog I surrender. I want to stop struggling and start living.

I noticed that in the years I blogged more, my weight was better. And I was happier. Do I blog less because my weight is up, or is my weight up because I blog less? I think that there is a correlation, but not so simple. I am happier when I communicate with others and have friendship and support in my life. It is easier to have goals and be accountable. Today I am trying to dig through the wreckage of my room, it is full of dust, and debris. I am throwing things away and trying to organize what is left. I want my living space to appeal to me again. All these things make a difference. I feel really swollen and bloated today. I want out of this body!
So I am flushing myself out with water.

More will be revealed..