Wednesday, February 25, 2009


Life is bittersweet. Maybe not for everyone but it has always been for me. I look for sweetness. The bitter just comes on its own. But perspective can sweeten the bitter. Yesterday I confronted my boss because I could tell by talking to one of my clients that a certain department I support was moving to Ohio. She confirmed it, and sort of confirmed that my work would move there, too. It is obnoxious that even confirmations are vague and indefinite but it was enough for me. It was my moment of truth. My job will go away.

I feel relieved, sad, excited, mad, and all kinds of stuff. I take my feelings as they come. I will be doing projects here for a while in addition to my regular job. I feel like the future is wide open. But sometimes I feel rejected, hurt and sad. I don't feel much fear. But it creeps in. Mostly when I try to sleep or think about buying stuff. We buy stuff all the time. I am going to get a list together of all the things we buy and start shopping less often. The less I go to stores, the better.

We went to the gym last night. It was great. Grandson was not having such a good night but he came. Daughter joined with her friend and they found out ALL the classes are included with the membership! I had no idea. There is yoga. Daughter is VERY excited. I am going to get into some classes. I am happy about this family gym membership. It is something we do together even though we each do our own thing. I have paid all our memberships for a year. So we know we can do it for a year anyway. Who knows what the future will bring. It's not that expensive and the value is immense. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

My weight is up and I am perplexed. I don't feel like I have been eating much but in reality I have not been paying attention. So I will pay attention today. My clothes fit, although some are snug. I have a wardrobe and I want to stay in it. I am going to stay within 5 to ten pounds of the weight I am now and not worry about it. I look fine. I feel pretty good. I am working on tone and cardio.

So more will be revealed but today we have the department meetings today that tell us what is to become And then a big one tomorrow with everyone so everyone will hear who else is getting sacked. Not names, just departments. But even these disclosures are not definite. It is torturous for people. They tell us the departments will go away but then there is this is only "if" the new deal is accepted by our customers. If the deal is not accepted then they don't know what they are going to do but they are still merging departments and moving a bunch of stuff to Ohio anyway. They have not thought it all through. There's no plan B. It sound like chaos. But I can do chaos. I know it well. I will keep my little nest calm in the storm and take care of my needs and the needs of my family no matter what.

There are many people who have been with this company for twenty years or more. It has been a great place to work. I look back on my own career and I see a great legacy. I have an outstanding record in my field. It feels good to do a resume. But my heart is tugging at my intellect and telling me I want to do something else now. The answers will come.

Here is what the Universe had to say this morning:

In both relationships and life, Cynthia, trust begets trust.
Generosity begets generosity.
Love begets love.
Be the spark, especially when it's dark.
Hubba, hubba - The Universe

To many (even me at times) this job situation seems very dark. So I want to be the spark. Always the spark. . .

PS - I am going to college in my final days of employment and taking advantage of tuition reimbursement!


jen said...

I am in a similar situation and I admire your sense of perspective. It's a tough time to think of looking for a job so I am trying to stay hopeful that despite my temporary contract, I will find a permanent place. People have been good to me but no one knows what will happen with the budget. Hoping for a new and better opportunity for you. Maybe one of your clients will have something for you. You're so positive and hardworking that I see a good outcome as the most likely for you.

Vickie said...
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Laura N said...

Another brilliant & uplifting post, Cindy. I wish I could bottle your PEACE & sell it. The world needs a double dose of it right now.

So glad to hear you are enjoying the gym with your family. That's wonderful.

Doc Manette said...

I'm glad you know now - that must bring some peace along with a little bit of anxiety.

I hated the way our company had lay-offs - everyone already knew before they actually did the laying off. Grrr. And the way they did it was cruel.

Hang in there - how great you and your daughter can do yoga classes together. Cherish those times working out with your daughter and grandson.

Bea said...

Hubba Hubba honey. Be alert and open to today and don't try to figure out next month. If I could do that my changes would have been way less traumatic.

You are slimmed down, toned up and ready for action. And now the action time is here. You're ready. Take care.

LG said...

Cindy, I just admire your sense of peace and perspective. You're enjoying the now but looking at the tomorrow in a good way. I'm sorry that there's no definite known answers about your job but you're doing the best that you can do with what you've got. I'm glad you and your daughter are enjoying the yoga classes.

Helen said...

I'm sorry about your job, but happy that you feel the universe opening up for you...when you're the spark for others, you are the spark for you too (I love The Universe!). Stay positive...believe you will be ok and you will be. :-)