Change is in the Air

Spring is coming. Even the bitter cold is temporary. If I look at the change through the eyes of spring it is exciting. At my job, change is coming. The end of an era. We don't know how it will all work out but we do know that there will be an end to what we know right now. If I look at it through the eyes of spring and cast all fear aside, it, too, can be interesting and exciting. We now freely discuss job openings amongst ourselves. We pass them around. People e-mail to each other through the company e-mail. If I see lawyer jobs, I pass them along. The lawyers send paralegal jobs to me. We are all in this together. No one has gotten notice yet but the writing is on the wall. Even if there is a chance of me being kept on I am not sure I want it. This morning on my way to work I had a feeling of peace when I thought of it coming to an end. I felt ready. More than ready.

I have been planning a strategy. More than one in fact. I have time and I don't have to make hasty decisions but I can examine all options. I can get out and interview for jobs even if I don't know if I want them, just to practice.....I have not been on an interview for maybe seven years. Wow. I used to love interviewing. I want to use this opportunity to explore other options, too. And I am still looking into taking a few classes before time runs out. So long as I am still employed here when the class begins, the company pays for it. On this bright sunny morning all of that seems exciting.

I must stay out of fear. I can look at reality and not be fearful. Life is change. The only constant is change. I have been burnt out on this job for a long time. In it for the money and the paid time off. So if the job changes that is a good thing. If the job goes away, I will get another and that will be a good thing.

The most important thing to me right now is taking care of our family needs and not letting the employment unrest have a negative impact on my life. In fact, I want it to have a positive impact. I made my doctor appointment yesterday and I took my grandson to a therapist which he needs. I also picked up some material on healthy family life from the school and was reading it with him. I want us to realize that we - me, daughter and grandson are a family. I want him to feel like his true home is with is. What needs we have for family relationships can be met at our home. This takes effort.

Last night I was in the kitchen in my special chair in front of the fire. I stayed down there at bedtime because the fire had not burned completely out. I dozed off and woke up when my grandson came down. He said he could not sleep and we talked a bit. He cried and talked about the dreams he'd been having and how he had been thinking of all the people in his life before the grandma died and he had to move. I talked a little and mostly listened. I told him that it was good to let ourselves feel our feelings even though they are sad, and to cry and let them go. I suggested some stuff he could do, read, watch a little TV, etc. and let him decide. I made him a sandwich and a glass of milk. He went to bed. I checked in a bit later and he was fast asleep surrounded with the pillows he took from his grandmother's bed the day she died. Feather pillows. Very cozy.

I am glad I was downstairs. I am glad he did not have to deal with his restlessness alone. I have been afraid I can't handle being there for him, that it is too much for me. But it is not. I don't have to have the answers. So much of life is just showing up. Or just being there already.