Monday, February 16, 2009

Blue Monday

I had a downward dip in my mood. It started last week. It peaked over the weekend I think. The grand finale was seeing my brother (the mentally ill one) on Saturday night. My sister is trying to get him some help up here since living with my parents is not working out for him. She has a friend who is a social worker and they were with him all day Friday and again on Saturday, trying to find him a temporary place to live and getting him linked to somewhere he can get evaluated. I don't know details of what they have accomplished. As of Saturday night, though, he had nowhere to stay.

Seeing him made me feel very depressed. I don't even want to go into it all. I am trying to pull myself out of the downward spiral. I did not want to go to work. But I got out of bed, got ready and showed up. I want to go eat bagels but I am sipping green ginger tea instead. I want to go to the gym today. I have been keeping up with that habit and it makes me feel good. I feel kind of lost. All sorts of uncertainty. But I am finding things that give me a feeling of security, and I am clinging to them.

I don't want to add weight gain to the number of things to feel bad about. But it is still there. I was doing good and then we had a food fest. I shot up five pounds. So I will have to shoot back down. I refuse to live like that again. That's one thing I can do something about. I can't fix my brother but I can choose what I eat.

So I am going to change the small things I can and accept the reality of the things I can't.


Vickie said...
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LG said...

Cindy, you've managed to stay peaceful with so many stressful things going on in your life. I'm sure your sister and her social worker friend will figure out something for your brother; it may not happen quickly but I also know that sometimes suddenly a space opens up.

Hanging on to the things that give you security is a smart idea. I wish I had something more pithy and useful to say to you but I can only say that I admire you so much and hope you continue to take care of yourself.