Monday, July 20, 2009

Computer Problems

My laptop wifi is not working. Sad but true. Will need to address it soon. Last week was an eating week, after loosing more weight the previous week, so I am up today but it should slack back down again. I am still in a range that is fine with me. I have been getting exercise regularly and have been in a good mood much of the time in spite of many things.

I had a nice getaway the weekend before this one. My ex walking buddy and I went and spent the night and a couple days on my friend's lake property. I got plenty of fresh air and sunshine. I relaxed, fished (even caught some) and played in the waterfalls. After a nice weekend together walking buddy (who had been amorous in the cabin) started describing his confusion, missing parts and how he was not ready for a relationship. I was annoyed about his communication methods (text and then not answer my calls) and told him I did not want to hear from him anymore. He was one of those withdraw the affection kind of people who avoid communicating. He can't help it really and surely does not do it on purpose. But that stuff makes me feel starved and neglected so we were not a good fit for a relationship. I may not have been very sensitive about it but my self preservation instincts kicked in - I've spent too long with guys like this and it leads to misery and self doubt. It was nice for me to make a decision not to continue to converse with him (because I knew I'd take it personally) and quit before things got icky. I am glad to not be trying to have a relationship with someone like him or thinking there's something wrong with me. He's not a bad person, and has many good qualities. I enjoyed the time we spent together, but he's not for me, and I see that without any feeling of tragedy.

Anyhow, work continues to be a physically painful, and mentally straining operation. More aggressive deadlines. I am looking forward to July 31st when I get my official 60 day notice. Maybe I will do something that night to commemorate or celebrate. I anticipate an emotional wave like I had when I got "notice of my notice" so I want to prepare. I also took August 1st off so I'd have a nice long weekend to look forward to. And I am taking this Friday and a half of a day Thursday off. I am making sure I take time to enjoy life. It's not all about working my butt off and then being unemployed. The unemployment part is like a distant mirage of an oasis in my current sweltering desert of labor. I look to it sometimes with desperate anticipation.

I try to find joys in my workdays but they are not so easy to find. I am trying to enjoy some of the people I know here, and appreciate what I can. Also trying to enjoy my evenings rather than come home, make dinner and collapse somewhere.

I have been bike riding in the mornings often and taking many long walks. If I can get through this phase of my life with more joy than pain, then I have really accomplished the personality transformation I have been working for.

More will be revealed...

3 comments:

Bea said...

Hi, remember me?

I read a quote by Tina Turner about relationships. She said some men were just more work than she was willing to do. Isn't that genius. "Just more work than I am willing to do." No blame no pressure, just "No." Sounds like you said "no." Good for you.

The job thing sounds like hell. Work you to death, and then lay you off. Nuts to that.

When the job ends take some time off. Just be. Makes all the difference in the world regarding the next job. I got fired and found a whole new life...and a husband. Cheers

Vickie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura said...

LOVED your last paragraph, just like Vickie did.

So proud of you for not letting the ex walking buddy issue upset you. You handled that beautifully.

You are handling these difficult life transitions beautifully. Hooray for you!

Enjoy your days off. This non-sweltering summer weather has been such a blessing, hasn't it? Glad you are getting out to enjoy it.