Sunday, September 6, 2009

Grasping for Normal

I can't believe how long its been since my last post. I became buried in a work project, too buried for a person who received her severance agreement last week. Getting up at 4 a.m. splitting my day and working in the evenings, thinking of little else. It was too much. Nothing felt good anymore. All I could think of was getting this project finished by my last day of work. Why? That's what I asked myself when the severance agreement came in the mail. Why am I knocking myself out on this poorly plan, poorly executed project for a company that has me training my replacement the week after next? People keep hinting they will ask me to stay longer since my boss does not want anyone else in the department to have to work on the Project but me. But she wants me out on October 2nd and the Project, Mission Impossible, will not be finished. I am sick of it. My hands hurt. I am tired. I want it to be over. And I want my Normal back. Not anyone else's normal, just mine.

I had this moment of truth on Wednesday. I just wanted my life back. And then Thursday afternoon one of my daughter's friends was killed in a car accident. On a bright, beautiful, sunny afternoon out in the country on the way to a park in a car with her best friend driving - 16 years old. Gone in an instant. It was and is devastating. Nothing seems like it will ever be the same. My daughter took it very very hard. I was and am at a loss of what to do. I just try and help her whatever way I can. I can't even really talk about it much. It is too fresh.

But back to moments of truth and grasping at normal, I have been so out of whack, with everything. My routine was upset by the altered work hours, my food, my exercise, all in the toilet. I skipped bike riding last weekend to clean house. My sleep was off. I was not really taking care of myself. It really hit me Wednesday and it was a relief. I just gave up. I am losing my job. I don't have to be a superstar and do the impossible so they can make sure they fire me on time. I don't have to stay longer even if they ask me to. And if I they do and I stay I can do it on my terms. I don't have to do a perfect job. I want to do a good job. But more than anything I want it to be over.

I took a bike ride this evening, finally. I also took the dog for a walk with grandson. Daughter has been spending time with friends today shopping for funeral clothes and grieving together. My brother is coming next weekend and I bought baseball tickets. I felt myself again as I rode my bike through the little riverfront town that I love.

I have not been too far from myself , but I have missed me. I need me back again.

Physical therapy is going great by the way, and in that area I AM taking care of myself, or at least letting someone else take care of me!!

More will be revealed.


Vickie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura N said...

Oh Cindy I'm so sorry to hear that about your daughter's friend. Too young. I'm finding that any age under 80 is too young. But 16 is so tender an age, I can't imagine.

My heart goes out to you on all fronts. What a stressful time. We are under unbelievable stress here, too. Business has been too bad for too long. It's not looking good & I don't know what our future holds. I hate the unknown, & this is bad bad bad unknown. I can't talk about specifics on my blog--but work & $$ & stress & fear are why I'm so out of whack. I hate it. I know you can totally relate.

One day at a time.

& you doing a good job is important to you. But you are right--you don't owe them your life. What's the point of doing the impossible now? Just do your best.

Lori G. said...

Cindy, I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter's friend.

You are just very conscientious and while that's an admirable trait, you need to take care of yourself.