Saturday, March 20, 2010

Rainy Afternoon

It's a rainy Saturday afternoon. I am sitting in the coffee house on the riverfront. When I was in the hospital I could see the corner this coffee house sits on, and I could see the river. It was a weird feeling. I belonged out here I concluded and not in there. It is nice to be out here. I am feeling better slowly. The medicine I took first started to have negative effects. We tried another and it was worse. Last weekend I could barely leave my room. I remembered that feeling from what I refer to now as the anti-depressant years. They were the years I gained the fifty pounds. They were confusing years.

When I left psychiatric medicine in 2005 I took up an aggressive exercise regimen. Then I lost weight slowly and steadily. I felt excited about that and had something to focus on and look forward to. I started blogging in the summer of 2006. I went through menopause. I went through some other things. I had happy times and not so happy times. I had dark thoughts now and then. I kept trudging along. Victories and losses. More victories, though.

This past year I have had to face some of the things I feared the most. And in the last few months especially I have been overwhelmed with many painful memories and events. I reached a point where I did not believe I could deal with it all. And in reality I can't. Not alone, that is. I had drifted from my support network last summer. It was slow and hard to notice because I was so focused on the impending job loss. But I drifted. Then more stuff happened and I was caught off guard. Not at all prepared, if there is a way to prepare. So eventually I had to admit a sort of defeat. A surrender deeper than any other in my lifetime.

I feel like I am starting over. I feel fragile and vulnerable but getting a tiny bit stronger every day. I cut back my coffee intake. I savor a few sips here and there and have also learned to appreciate decaf. It helps level my mood. No high highs and no low lows. I have been to the gym a couple of times this week. I felt tired and weak but getting better. I was really sick on top of the depression so I rested most evenings the first week home. The medicine was hard on me and it has taken almost a week to get to where I feel normal again. What I want now is calm more than anything.

I am now feeling like getting out of bed in the morning. And I am calling friends more and being honest. I have a wonderful Saturday morning group to go to. It is a lifesaver. I don't want to slip away again and hide out. It is somewhat deadly for me.

My weight has been stable through this. Funny that a couple of days ago when I started to feel better my appetite increased and I had a bit of a carb surge. I am not worried because I am level today and not feeling like overindulging in anything. And I don't beat myself up about having a little too much the last two days. I can correct that easily. I don't feel out of control. I am very grateful for my weight loss and maintenance.

Speaking of gratitude, the other day when I was feeling like I was starting over all over gain in life, I made a list of assets. I found that I have many more assets today than I had some 21 years ago when I was starting a new life recovering from alcohol and drug abuse. Now I am recovering from depression. It is an illness that sometimes tells me I don't have an illness. It centers in my mind. I have to watch out for certain signs and triggers. I am beginning to understand myself better now. I am learning how to take care of myself with regards to my mental health. The mental and the physical are intertwined.

I found a new therapist for my daughter. One who has a treatment plan with a protocol. One who explained everything to us in a way we could understand. I don't feel alone anymore trying to deal with those issues. I feel we have a solution and we have hope. I took my daughter to the hospital a few days after I came home. The medicine they had her on was impairing her and it was a danger to her. I felt strong enough having dealt with my own stuff to confront what was happening with her.

I take my son to court on Tuesday for what is supposed to be that last time. He has choices, probation or prison time. He can make the choice himself. The matter will be settled and I will get what is left of the bond money back. There are lawyer fees and court costs but I will get something and I will have more cushion. My grandson is doing great. He made the spring volleyball team and is playing his first sport for the school. He says I can go to a game when he gets more confident. Funny when they are little if you don't go they get upset and when they are older they don't want you there!

The tenant moves out of the house next week and I will be paying for two homes, but I can handle that at first. I have felt some excitement about getting my house back just in time to see all the trees I had planted there bloom. Just in time to pant flowers and make it look pretty. I am not sure what I am going to do with it but I will do something. I need get it cleaned up and see what I am working with first. I offered it to my mom so she and my dad could move up here since she is thinking of taking him out of the nursing home (may not be able to pay for it and can't stand to see how he lives there) but she is not sure of what she is doing. My son wants to live there with her and help care for Dad but he has his own set of issues. He can stay there while it is empty and help paint and fix it up perhaps. I have options.

All these things could keep a person up at night but I have to let go of the uncertainty. There is uncertainty in life all the time. Yes, more for me right now but there are also stabilizing factors in my life, too. I need to focus more on them. For now I am going to enjoy the rain, the warm drink and the afternoon sitting here catching up on blogs. I know this was a long post but I needed to catch up with myself and put some things in writing.

I miss blogging. It is one of the stabilizing factors in my life. I appreciate everybody who comments and reads. It gives me that feeling of being connected.

More will be revealed.


Vickie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vickie said...

thanks for easing my mind. I feel much better to know that all is being handled. I know how hard it is to meet everyone's needs. And you do a very good job.

Cindy said...

I posted on my facebook page a while back the hardest thing to do is live in the moment... I struggle with this all the time.

Annimal said...

I think living in the moment is hard for all of us. I know I have to constantly remind myself of conscience living. I am usually either rueful of the past or fearful of the future. I'm extremely lucky to have a husband who lives conscientiously just by nature and helps me not be fearful. I'd be a mess without him.
Take care--I'm thankful I found your blog. Your honest,from-the-heart, posts are endearing.

Helen said... do I find you on FB?? If you friend Alicia, I'll find you that way... :-)

Vickie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vickie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.