A funny thing happened on the way to work Wednesday. I took a detour via the emergency room and ended up admitted. I had been sick on top of sick and sick in my thinking as well. I just couldn't go on anymore. Tuesday was a day I could not get out of bed. It was a day in the depths of despair and I had been to two doctors the day before. I was supposed to get lab work and I was on an antibiotic. But one of the meds was for anxiety and apparently I am not as anxious as I am depressed because it had a very negative impact. The doctor who prescribed it never returned my call for help. So I went somewhere to get all my medical needs taken care of. It was the most drastic action I have ever taken on my own behalf and I am very happy today that I was able to make such a decision, and be painfully honest with the staff at the hospital.
I also learned to let things go. Completely. I surrendered myself to the care of the hospital. I was there two full days, two full nights and about three quarters of Friday. My brother picked up my car and took care of my kids. My friend came and got my gym clothes out of the car for me since they took my other clothes away (didn't meet criteria for the unit I was in). My brother took my daughter to the doctor, brought pizza home each night and was happy to do it. I had a view from the hospital windows of my riverfront. It was bittersweet but a reminder of the pleasures in my life.
I saw three doctors and I liked them all very much. I was tested for many things and I learned a few things, too. I have accepted fully that depression is an illness that can be treated with medicine and that sometimes we need to be open minded about treatments when we are sick. I won't detail my medical stuff but we have a plan. I agree with the plan and I am feeling better. I do not ever want to sink so low into hopeless thinking again. I want to set a higher standard for my mental health and seek help long before I feel like I have been feeling.
Anyway I am taking one of the few anti depressants that does not cause weight gain and I really hope I can tolerate it. I felt better immediately which happens in some cases but the full impact takes some time. So I am adjusting to it and paying close attention to how I feel. I find that my mind moves slow enough now for me to focus more on things and to think more before I act. I find that I am stepping back long enough from my feelings to talk to myself about what is going on in the moment so I do not react immediately. I can calm myself. I happened upon an anger management session in the hospital and I found it very useful to deal with emotions. I used to feel like my emotions controlled me. Now I know that I have options.
It is just the beginning and I feel a little scared because I really want this to work. I have the same situations in my life that I had before I went to the hospital but I can deal with them better now. It is not easy but it is easier.
So, more will be revealed!!