Sunday, December 5, 2010

Is it ever enough?

I was talking to a good friend yesterday and I told her what I had done so far that day, commenting that I felt like I had not accomplished anything. She told me that it sounded like I had done many things already and that every time we talk I am always doing many things. It was one of those moments where I realized something about myself that I am not sure I ever knew before. I know I have the "not good enough" concept about myself lurking in the back of my mind waiting to pounce on any flaw or mistake. But what I see now is that I never think I DO enough. I am always feeling unaccomplished like there is so much left to do, or worse lately, that this is it, and I am NEVER going to DO anything, its all over, etc.

I have had the feeling of lack, that's what I call it, about food, money, love, etc. - like there is never going to be enough, I can't get enough, I don't have enough, and so on. I believe that leads to hoarding, overeating, etc. but this lack feeling applied to DOING - how does it impact me? It leads to feeling like a failure. I can feel overwhelmed and inadequate. I am going to address this feeling and how it effects me. It can also lead to the what's the use, why don't I just sit and eat philosophy. All stress can lead me to eat, I already know that.

So, I want to visualize what would be ENOUGH doing. Does my house need to be perfectly clean? All work at the office finished? My weight at a normal BMI? One 45 or longer exercise session per day? Eating on plan all day? Maybe I need to set some minimum standards for some of these things.

This weekend I started clearing out this massive pile of clothes in my room, sorting what can go, what stays and laundering what needs to be washed. It is a BIG project. It grows as I work at it. I want to pitch it all and frankly I believe I'd never miss it if I did.

I lost another Thanksgiving pound. I am still ticked off about those. But glad I am somewhat back on track. I have not eaten in front of the TV. I watched a movie last night and I realized that If I watched a movie each night I would not eat in the evening. I like having a NO EATING zone. In fact, maybe I could only eat at the table (what a concept) and then everywhere else would be a no eating zone. I may try that after the TV experiment, branch it out. Overeating is most likely related to eating everywhere while doing everything. If eating was just eating at the table would I eat less? I believe so. Maybe I can find that out.

UPDATE - My tenants did not contact me yet about the rent and I got a funny feeling so I looked them up on facebook. They are in Indiana staying in a hotel, working jobs and house hunting. The whole story is chronicled in their facebook posts. They quite their jobs on Nov 8th and she got a job up in Indiana and took a bus, then he came up after Thanksgiving. They left their kids with relatives and my house is locked and their stuff is still in it. I doubt I see anymore money and I guess I will call a lawyer tomorrow. This was a huge shock for me but I am determined not to let it bring me down. It is a huge financial strain among other things but I was just climbing out of that awful depression and I refuse to let this take me back down. I am having steamed veggies (not in front of the tv) and we are decorating the tree. I may not be able to spend much money this year for presents but I am going to keep a cheerful outlook for me and my kids and be merry all the same. Here we go again, but this time around I am more seasoned, educated and experienced about the whole house thing. I just wish,....

1 comment:

Vickie said...
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