Ah the irony of life

I snuck off from work for my lunch hour with my mini laptop to get away from it all and a bunch of guys from work show up and sit at a table right next to mine. RATS!!!! I can hear their conversation. This should count as work. Perhaps I can gain some intelligence from it.

Lack of sleep increases appetite. I am at risk. It is second day of giving son a ride. He says he has one now, though. I thought of something on the way to picking him up that really put things in perspective and stopped me in my tracks. For the past 13 years I drove as much as 3.5 hours to see him behind the glass in a prison visiting room. Today I drove 10-15 miles to take him to work after stopping at a gas station for snacks. It is all in the perspective. Attitiude is everything.

So here I sit not wanting to move but really wanting to move. I forgot my book to read. I can't move, it would be to obvious. Yes, I am anti social. But not really, gonna catch up on blogs. One of these guys has crunchy chips and chews incredibly loud. Lack of sleep makes me sound sensitive. He could shake the earth with the chips, how big is the bag for Pete's sake. sorry.

More will be revealed!! See below the meditation I found when sitting quietly after co workers left

Tuesday, May 11, 2010
You are reading from the book Today's Gift
I'm delighted that the future is unsure. That's the way it should be. —William Sloane Coffin

Some of life's richest moments are the most unexpected: the old friend met by chance, or the new one discovered when neither of us were really looking; the toy at the bottom of the toy box, rediscovered and loved anew; the book, the flower, the shaft of light we were in the right place at the right time to notice and embrace.

It is important to dream and plan, to work toward goals, to mark the milestones we pass on life's journey. No less important, though, is to open ourselves to the unexpected joys awaiting us every day.Am I ready, today, to expect the unexpected?

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

My Father's Books

Okay, I don't want to write a negative post but Mother's Day is my least favorite holiday ever. I want to personally abolish it out of my life. Maybe some day I will come to terms with it but today was not that day. I don't even want to write about why.

When I was visiting my mother today I was able to bring home some of my father's books. There are some things that represent my father to me- music, guitars which my brother has already taken, his Gibson amplifier from the sixties which my mom insists on selling at the auction, his land, which my mother is selling as soon as possible, the arrowhead collection that we all contributed to which has mysteriously been ravaged over the years by my sister's kids, and his books. Thankfully no one else is attached to his books. My mom was going to donate whatever doesn't sell. Today my daughter and I went through them. I have his Hemingway collection now, most of the Steinbeck, and many others. My father was a reader. I cannot wait to put them in my library and to read them. Daughter wants to read them, too. But is hard to go to the house right now. Overwhelming on many levels. And I just want to grab stuff and take it home with me. I love artifacts of my childhood. I want to make a shrine.

I do not want to get hung up about stuff but it does get to me when mom firmly announces when I look at something "that's going in the auction" - it hurts. It is like she is making sure I know I can't have it. It hurts and it is hard to explain why. Maybe some day I can explain it. I think she resent we even want things. It is hard to see the property go, and to imagine an auctioneer holding up my father's tools, and all the bits and pieces of his life and my childhood. Hard to imagine strangers taking them home. I know I need to let go. But right now I associate the selling of things and the land and the house as all part of the loss, losing all that is left of him now. I could not even bring myself to take pictures.

There are odds and ends that I just want to rescue. I don't want big pieces of furniture. Just little items. But I can't just take stuff. Soon she will want us to take stuff but it will be for her need to purge and on her own terms. It feels strange. Uncomfortable. Sad. I am taking it too personally, I know.

I lost a couple pounds last week - the water helps so much. I have less of an appetite when I am drinking lots of water. I want so much to be as positive as I once was but it is up and down for me right now. My son got a job and that is a miracle, but the flip side is I am getting up an hour earlier to take him to work... temporary help. I am calling it our quality time together. I need to re frame my life. Positive thoughts, gratitude. When I get too tired it gets harder. Speaking of which I need to sleep now for my five a.m. start time in the a.m. But now that I accepted it I am looking forward to sharing his first day of real employment in over 13 years with him. It really is a break for him. And he got it on his own initiative and effort.

More will be revealed.

Prom Day

It is my daughter's first prom today. I am waiting to leave for picture time. She is at a friend's house and they are all making dinner for the boys to come and then we get to take pictures. I dropped her off earlier and the mom is doing all their hair. She is a hairdresser by trade. That was a handy development. Hair appointments can be stressful on prom day, not to mention the money. Anyway, I am looking forward to pictures. We went through several dresses to get to this one and now it is the big day. She was very nervous and snitty this morning with a couple of crying jags. I have a hard time with that and have been accused of not being very compassionate. I am more about keeping her focused when she has a crying spell when it is time to get ready for school or there is some sort of looming deadline. We went at it a couple of times and she said we were not having a normal mother daughter relationship and I said snitty teenage girls and grumpy moms was a normal relationship as far as I knew. I don't do normal. I call it chasing normal. I am more about what is natural, what is acceptable, what is realistic etc.

Anyway it has been a busy day. After the prom drop off I had to deliver art to a place called Beatnik's where her art teacher is having a show. It was a large piece and it took a while to find the place. I took some photos of this rather interesting community and I stopped at a coffee shop and had some tea. I needed a break. Breaks are good. My son and I were going to power wash the siding on the rental house today, how silly of me to think such things could occur on prom day! But there is always tomorrow.

There are good things going on. I finally bought my camera to take higher quality photos. I have not had a chance to really check out how to use it but have been shooting on Auto. Only had it a week. I am making it a point to do the things I have wanted to do even if I only get a snippet of time here and there to do them.

I drank boatloads of water this week and took off a couple of the pounds I gained after Dad died. I was feeling miserably bloated and realized I had been forgetting my water. I felt I had gained without eating more than I had eaten in the past without gaining. Water is a biggie with me. I am doing a six week fill up on happiness e-coaching deal with Our Lady of Weight loss. I will write more on that when I have more time.

Water water everywhere... more will be revealed!

Indie Music and Reading

My daughter decided she wanted the IPod that stores the most music instead of the touch. So, I got her the biggie and I got the touch. It still has her music on it. I am enjoying right now. She is a fan of Indie music. I am listening to music and ready Our Lady of Weight Loss All Is Forgiven Move On.

I need some relaxation. Yesterday I cleaned spots out of the livingroom carpet. I felt accomplished. It was a busy day. Today I tried to go mow the lawn at the rental but I found out the key to the deadbold lock on the front door was not among the keys the tenant returned. I left hating her more than ever...eek. I hate to hate. I gave the painter my keys. I changed the doorknob locks myself last weekend so I had the lower lock key, now I need to change deadbolts for my next accomplishment. I really wanted to cut grass. I have a key here somewhere to that deadbolt but did not want to take another 25 minute drive...oh well. I lazed around and had a good meal, baked chicken and veggies. Plus other various items later. I had some tea. It was a slow day. But maybe that's what I need.

New music. New anything. I feel in a bit of a slump. Reading is good. I read some literature on grief. I read a magazine. I am nurturing myself and taking it slow.

Tired Little Post

I just wanted to post a little bit to say thanks for the kind words. We had a burial ceremony Friday to honor my father. We are still going to have a memorial service but have to wait until June to accommodate some family members. His grave is at the Jefferson Barracks National Cometary for veterans. We had a service with military honors. His old work buddies came and afterwards we went to lunch and they told stories about him and held him in high esteem. It was just right. It was good for my mother and it was good for everyone who was there. I felt much peace afterward. I was able to go do some work at the rental property the next day. I was able to go back to work yesterday and not feel like my head was going to explode. The week in between his death and the service on Friday was very hard. I felt exhausted even when I slept for long hours. But this week is better. I have some peace. I have a little book of pictures that I carry in my purse. They are all pre-Alzheimer's photos. Some from when I was a child. Those help me focus on other memories. Today I ran across a picture saved in my phone that I took on father's day 2008. It was right when he started wearing a beard because shaving had become impossible and my mom started taking him to the barber. He looked good, still had a twinkle in his eye and looked like he knew me. It made me real sad because it made me think of all the years of slipping away. I know I can't avoid those memories completely but I am trying to balance them with other memories. I still struggle with regrets and such but at least this week I feel like I can get through the day and even feel happy sometimes. I have been taking the dog walking every day. It helps. I really feel fat right now but I am no bigger than I was when we went to Chicago. I am at my upper limit though so I have started to track food. I am tired and do not want to ramble. Just wanted to say I am still here and hopeful of better times to come.

My Father's Tums

My father died in the middle of the night. My mother called me at around 2:30 a.m. crying because she had just received the call from the nursing home. Often lately I would think of my father at night before falling asleep and worry about him being alone in the night at the nursing home. It was agonizing at times thinking he may be trying to get out of bed or needing comfort but being alone and even scared. I had also thought about the call and how it could come in the night.

I talked my mother through her initial regrets of not visiting him that day. He had fallen on Sunday and had been hurt and this week had not been going well. Tuesday's visit he was not feeling well at all but very difficult to tell with Alzheimer's what is actually going on because he could not communicate much anymore. It hurts to think of it. But I had a feeling of peace come over me that he wouldn't have to wake alone in the night or struggle with staff or suffer anymore.

My daughter and I drove down in the hours before dawn. A beautiful spring day. I took my mother to the mortuary. She wanted to see my father one last time. His wishes were clear about cremation. We made initial plans and then I went with her into the room. It was so hard for me to see him lying there, eyes open, bruised on the side of his head. To me he looked frightened but I did not say that to my mother. I hate that I saw him that way. I hate that he died that way. I think he awoke in the night. He was alone. I hate he was alone. I cannot tell my mother this.

We stayed at my mother and father's house through the day. It is the house he built himself. All his things are there. When it was time to get ready to take my Mom home with us I began to panic. I did not want to leave his things. I did not want to leave. That would mean he was really gone. I went in his closet. I went through his clothes and touched them and looked at things I remember seeing him wear. I took to sobbing for a few minutes and pulled myself together. I found his suits. It had been quite some time since they had been worn. I took a jacket out and held it. I reached in the pocket. I found two loose Tums and the last mint left in the wrapper of a roll. A paper clip. Left in a pocket years ago. My father always had Tums I recalled. My fathers Tums in my hand felt so real and so a part of him. I don't know why. I clutched them in my hand and carried them as I got ready to go. I had no pockets. They are in a baggie in my purse. I found a shirt. I took it home. It is on my pillow with me.

I don't know what happens when people die. I want my father back the way he was before Alzheimer's. I can't believe he is gone. I don't know what to do. It is time to sleep as I have been awake since the call except for little attempts at napping so I could make the trip back. My mother is in the next room and I think I hear her crying. I want to curl up with the Tums and the shirt and bring my father as close to me as possible in my memory and not let him go.

I feel lost and I feel like I abandoned him. I felt peace earlier but now I feel like I want to go out looking for him, searching somewhere because he can't really be gone. He just can't.