Sunday, May 9, 2010

My Father's Books

Okay, I don't want to write a negative post but Mother's Day is my least favorite holiday ever. I want to personally abolish it out of my life. Maybe some day I will come to terms with it but today was not that day. I don't even want to write about why.

When I was visiting my mother today I was able to bring home some of my father's books. There are some things that represent my father to me- music, guitars which my brother has already taken, his Gibson amplifier from the sixties which my mom insists on selling at the auction, his land, which my mother is selling as soon as possible, the arrowhead collection that we all contributed to which has mysteriously been ravaged over the years by my sister's kids, and his books. Thankfully no one else is attached to his books. My mom was going to donate whatever doesn't sell. Today my daughter and I went through them. I have his Hemingway collection now, most of the Steinbeck, and many others. My father was a reader. I cannot wait to put them in my library and to read them. Daughter wants to read them, too. But is hard to go to the house right now. Overwhelming on many levels. And I just want to grab stuff and take it home with me. I love artifacts of my childhood. I want to make a shrine.

I do not want to get hung up about stuff but it does get to me when mom firmly announces when I look at something "that's going in the auction" - it hurts. It is like she is making sure I know I can't have it. It hurts and it is hard to explain why. Maybe some day I can explain it. I think she resent we even want things. It is hard to see the property go, and to imagine an auctioneer holding up my father's tools, and all the bits and pieces of his life and my childhood. Hard to imagine strangers taking them home. I know I need to let go. But right now I associate the selling of things and the land and the house as all part of the loss, losing all that is left of him now. I could not even bring myself to take pictures.

There are odds and ends that I just want to rescue. I don't want big pieces of furniture. Just little items. But I can't just take stuff. Soon she will want us to take stuff but it will be for her need to purge and on her own terms. It feels strange. Uncomfortable. Sad. I am taking it too personally, I know.

I lost a couple pounds last week - the water helps so much. I have less of an appetite when I am drinking lots of water. I want so much to be as positive as I once was but it is up and down for me right now. My son got a job and that is a miracle, but the flip side is I am getting up an hour earlier to take him to work... temporary help. I am calling it our quality time together. I need to re frame my life. Positive thoughts, gratitude. When I get too tired it gets harder. Speaking of which I need to sleep now for my five a.m. start time in the a.m. But now that I accepted it I am looking forward to sharing his first day of real employment in over 13 years with him. It really is a break for him. And he got it on his own initiative and effort.

More will be revealed.


Vickie said...
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Helen said...

Everyone deals with grief in their own way but WHY is she selling everything so quickly? Yikes. I would feel exactly like you do. I still have a bag of my dad's "little" things that I took after he died. It is still in the same bag as when I packed it up over 20 years ago and I don't think I have opened it. Somehow, those tangible things really mean something to me. Just touching the bag reminds me of my dad...that he was here...that he is still here in my heart forever.

Cindy...154 said...

Unfortunately she has to sell now due to financial reasons. Plus it is hard for her to upkeep 25 acres. And she is too isolated there for. Was going to sell it soon anyway. It will be good for her to leave and move to the cute little house in town she has picked out. We looked at it Sunday and all agree it is perfect for her and the owner really wants to rent it to her. I also decided that images/photos of the "stuff" may be as good as the real thing in some instances. So I am going to do some picture taking next trip. I felt better yesterday and today. This early rising is really good for me! As always, attitude is everything..