Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I need Hope to Hope
I do not know if I can even write this post. I cannot remember when I have felt this bad but I am sure I have. I feel I have lost everything but I know I haven't. A couple of weeks ago I got news that my son won his Supreme Court case which meant he had to be released from prison. But he had gotten in trouble for drugs while in prison, so instead of getting released he was transferred to a county jail. He had been in prison almost 13 years and this was the closest to coming home he'd ever been. I lost my head really, and I put up a very large amount of money for bond. I pretty much took my entire savings and then on top of it paid a lawyer to help him with the pending case. I wanted so much for him to have a chance to come home and be a part of his family. I rushed it. He was out a couple days and got back with some old friends and started using again and basically has not been home since. We hear from him but he mostly slurrs his speech and tells us he loves us. I told him he'd have to stay somewhere else. It broke my heart. It broke his son's heart, it broke his sister's heart. We are all sad. And, I miss my bank account. I miss how I used to feel before this happened. Then, my father became ill Saturday and my son and I went to help my mother. It was the first time he saw his grandpa in years. It was awful, my dad laying in bed unable to move and my mom unable to clean him from being sick. His eyes open just staring off. He had fever and I told my Mom he needed to go to the hospital. The ambulance came and we watched them take him away in the pouring rain. My son road with my Mom and I drove behind them. We sat in the hospital while they did things to him and he struggled with them and cursed. Then we followed another ambulance to another hospital because my Mom was not ready to make the decisions about "do not resuscitate" and the first hospital had no ICU. It was a night of reality and sadness. My son couldn't handle it. His grandpa was like a father to him. Someone came to pick him up around midnight. That was the last time I saw him. My Mom and I slept in hospital chairs. My father was better in the morning but the doctor was mostly concerned about the Alzheimer's. My Mom just can't take care of him at this point because she cannot lift him if he gets too weak or if he falls, or gets sick. More decisions had to be made on Monday. They moved him to a nursing home today. I came home last night and worked today. My sister was with my mother. Tonight will be the first night he spends alone. It breaks my heart. I don't want him to wake up alone. I don't want him to be scared. I don't want all those strangers taking care of him. My heart will never be the same. I have had meltdown upon metldown. My kids are worried about me. I feel terrible. I want to know I can get through all this. But I feel like I never will. I feel lost. I want my father to be home with my mother. I want things the way they were before. I'm so sad and I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I need hope to have hope.