Thanks for all of your kind and supportive words, it means so much to me to know I have so many people caring even though we have never met each other in person. I read Animal's comment right after I'd made a cup of hot tea, and when I saw what she said about having a cup of tea with me, it gave me a feeling that there really is something more, something greater going on in our lives than just the day to day events..
It's Saturday morning and I am in my favorite chair. I keep it in front of the fireplace in the winter. Last night I built a fire and sat in front of it all evening. I watched parts of a movie, read a little, talked on the phone. I had a good night's sleep. I did eat a bunch of food - something I have not been doing. But since I have not had an appetite much lately I thought it might be a good sign. I almost wish for the days when my biggest deal was if I was going to lose those 5-10 pounds.
Anyway, last Saturday I went to an Ala-non meeting. I admitted how crazy I'd been feeling and acting after my son started using drugs again. I got phone numbers and talked to people. That was a good beginning. Even though there were more meltdowns to come, after my second Al anon meeting on Wednesday night, a parent group, I was able to become more peaceful in my resolve to take care of myself, and the rest of the family, and let my son go. On Thursday night he was at our house. I found him smoking something in the garage so I calmly went upstairs and got the bag I had already packed for him and he knew it was time to leave. I told him if he wanted to check into a detox or some other program I would help him do that. He does not want that. So I waited while he made phone calls to find someone to take him in. It was very sad to hear him. It is sad to see how he is. But I have to go on. I have to pick up the pieces and get on with life. He understood. We did not fight. We were both sad. He cannot live without it, I cannot live with it. I also cannot subsidize his life while he chooses to do do that instead of being a part of the family. I surrendered him to the life he has chosen.
Anyway, that's what I did about that. It is not over yet, we still hear from him and its only been a couple of days but I am finding myself feeling more myself. Maybe I will be a little different but I will still be me, and I do have plenty of hope and many things to be grateful for. My daughter is doing very well on her medicines. This situation with my son was hard for her but she has new boyfriend she is excited about (a very nice young man) and she is getting much more involved in school. I couldn't be happier. My grandson is coping better than me. He saw his therapist on Wednesday afternoon when I made an emergency appointment for him. She called me that night out of concern from me and offered to let me see their new intern for free. Grandson works out everyday after school and does training for volleyball and is now getting into boxing with some friends. I think the physical activity is very good for him. We may be a little closer as a result of this whole ordeal.
I showed my kids that I am going to take care of myself and get help. I also showed them that I am not going to let an active drug user live in our home even if we love him very much. I worked hard at my job this week. My employers know about the situation with my Dad and they know my daughter had been having panic attacks, but they don't know about the situation with my son. It is not necessary. They fired the legal secretary Wednesday (that almost put me over the edge) but Thursday morning I was assured that they are mindful of not overloading me. Overall, it was a good week at work and I am feeling caught up and competent.
One random wild and crazy incident happened on Thursday - on my lunch hour I traveled to the rental house (she's moving April 1 - another stress) to get the rent (28 days late) and on the way back after going to her bank, my bank and then for a coffee to celebrate - a car hit me from the side while I was driving in a parking lot. The person who hit me told me she hit a curb or something, and then I asked if she had insurance and she said no - I then said I"d need to turn it in on mine and needed some information. Then she said "I can't afford no police, I don't even have a license" so I said, just a minute I just need a little information for my insurance company. I got to my car and dialed 911 on the cell phone while taking down her license,. She pulled forward and parked while I told the 911 operator where I was, etc. and then while I was still on the phone with 911 she pulled off and drove away. To make a long story short, the police caught up with her on Friday and now they say the car is insured. So, I just passed all the information along to my insurance company. It was an icky incident and I am still leery that the insurance is legitimate, etc. And, that the person they talked to was really the driver of the car. But, if the insurance company pays, and I get my deductibles back, then I will let it all go. There is a pending court date for leaving the scene.
I guess it was Tuesday my Dad went into the nursing home. My Mom is pretty torn up but she is getting some rest and doing things around the house she could not do before. She is also having some time to herself so she can focus on what she needs to do for her. My Mom and I are on some sort of parallel - we both feel devastated and a tremendous loss - but we both know we need to take care of ourselves are are doing that now. There may be many good things about my Dad's new situation. It is very hard to think of him there though. I had wanted to drive down this weekend but the weather is not good down there so I probably will not. Perhaps tomorrow. For today I am going to go to my Al anon meeting and relax.
Thinking of all these things at once gets me a little nervous, but if I just sit and read, maybe go to my coffee house before the meeting, and just stay in the moment - I have peace again. Peace I thought I may have lost forever...