I always say Never Give Up. So I don't. I started my body for life over yesterday. I just finished a bike ride, the first of this entire year! First I walked the dog. It is one of those rare cool Summer evenings with low humidity. Perfect for outdoor enjoyment. I was concerned I would not make it up the hill, but I am happy to say that I am in better shape than I thought. It did wonders for my mental state.
Last week I had my performance review. I had to ask for it and remind the boss, which was not a good sign. I was given a below expectations rating. I never had a bad performance review in my life. I was not expecting a good one because I have missed so much work and it has been overwhelming given all the personal things that happened. What it said was that my first six months were difficult due to a number of personal things and that when I was able to focus on my work my performance was good. Something like that. And that since all that stuff is behind me now (not exactly but they can think that) they are looking forward to see what I can really do. What I really want to do is find another job.
I have never much liked this job. I won't go into why. I don't want to focus on it. When I was getting laid off last year this is not the job I dreamed of, longed for, and hoped to find. But the pay is good and it was offered to me easily and I needed the money. Given the job market it was somewhat of a miracle. I do not regret taking it. I do believe there is something out there for me that would provide for a better quality of life. Something more suitable for me and something for which I am better suited.
I made an appointment with the department chair at the college where I earned my professional degree. I want to brainstorm about what other types of work I can do with my background. Plus, I'd love to work in an academic environment. I am looking forward to seeing her. I have huge burnout right now. I'd agree I did not accomplish as much as I could have if my daughter and I had not been hospitalized and my father had not taken a turn for the worse, gone into the nursing home and then died, but factoring those things in (plus the stuff they don't know about) I think I did outstanding.
It was sort of a grand finale for the worst year of my life and I felt oddly liberated by it, but at the same time really sad. I feel sad and lonely at work frequently so I am now determined to do the best job I can do while looking for a new situation. I get the idea they may want me to leave. But I could be wrong. So each day I must seek out what makes me happy and partake in it, keep a positive attitude, and look for the good in my job. I am ready to move on in life. Out of depression and negativity. Those have been looming for too long. I must work harder to overcome by bringing more and more positive energy in wherever I can.
So, bike riding was a major uplift tonight. Perhaps some humor. Maybe I will look up jokes online before I go to bed.
More will be revealed.