Getting Desperate and Drastic

I almost deleted my blog today. I was going to delete myself from facebook and blogger. Some form of electronic suicide or something. I am frustrated with myself. Kind of disgusted with myself, too. I start and stop on my fitness efforts. I have never felt more tired than I do lately. A couple of my friends lost weight doing the HCG diet. I decided to order some. I waited to see if their weight stayed off and if they had any adverse reactions but so far no complaints and one of them lost the weight back in January I think. I only need or want to lose 20 pounds at the most so it seems like a short targeted program like that would be perfect. I have pondered this for some time now. So now that I paid for it and it is on its way to me I am committed. It is 26 to 30 days long. I feel desperate right now because I keep losing interest and trailing off when I start something. I just want to drop a chunk of weight and be done with it. I feel like I am getting back in the cycle of self loathing where I eat and hate myself and eat some more. Geez. I thought those days were over. How did I get here? Too much time alone isolating perhaps. But not motivated to really do much else. I feel like I could sleep for a year. If I get up and clothes feel tight I don't want to leave the house. That sort of thing. Anyhow, I don't post because I don't want to write stuff like this but thought I'd be honest instead of committing cybersuicide and deleting my blog. So the HCG seems drastic to me but I am going to go ahead with it. I spent too much money on it. I still have icky shakes from Body for Life, too. I feel a tad silly.