Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Not Eating Pasta
I am blogging instead of eating pasta. I started eating some and I stopped. I had a non scale victory moment today. I was at the warehouse to do my boxes of documents review. The guy in charge was telling me that I would need help lifting the boxes and he commented - they keep sending the "skinny girls" over. I was classified with the skinny girls. I felt far from a skinny girl this morning but guess what, I will take it. I wanted to give him a big hug or ask him to marry me. But he is already married. Anyhow. I am not eating pasta. I made myself a serving. I had a couple of bites then I put it away. Not doing it. Today after Grandson's honors band concert I took him to get ice cream. I had a diet coke. That's a non scale victory. Drinking diet soda while somebody eats ice cream. This better work....
Quick Surrender
I am down about two pounds. The Mary Lou "platform" (for those who hate word scale) clapped for me today for the first time since I can recall. I still feel like a huge blob even though in reality I am not a huge blob. I just have body fat that I got used to not having. I can take this off but right now I hate having it on me. I have been good with my food. But I am going to have to be better. Now that I am paying attention I see where the calories "slip" in and where I need to be more careful. I slipped away around Thanksgiving and never fully returned. So now I am fully committed to the not slipping away part. It is not worth it. Because slipping away makes my work harder, and slipping away leads to more slipping away. So, I surrender completely to the idea that I need to go back to what I was doing when I lost and maintained. It was no big deal, in fact I called it the Lazy Girl's Program. But it worked. I feel discouraged every time I feel my belly fat but I have to press on and ignore it. When I get that feeling I can drop and do push ups and ab stuff. If I am not where I can do that I can take a walk, go up and down steps. Or just remind myself mentally that this will pass. I am taking care of myself now. It's temporary...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Applying the Principles That Work
I have been reading my old posts (and other blogs as well). I needed to remind myself of how I got here. How I lost weight steadily since 2005, how to arrest a gain cycle and get back on track. I found this statement in a post from two years ago. I was twenty pounds heavier than I am today. And, at that point I had already lost a substantial amount of weight, about 30 pounds. I was experiencing a setback and here's what I said:
The horror of gaining weight is upon me. I want green things and whole grains. I want to cook some steel cut oats so they will be ready for the morning. I want to prepare a big fat salad to take to work. I want to be ready for combat. The noodles are gone. That is over. I thought of ice cream but never acted on it. Maybe its over now. I can walk off the bloat.
I love this. I can apply it today. I was scared straight so to speak. I'd written how much I'd eaten. It was far more than what I have been eating lately. But it's the same principle. I had the desire to get back into the solution. And I knew then and know now what the solution is. I can do this. I am ready for combat.
We keep moving on, over and over, as many times as it takes.
The horror of gaining weight is upon me. I want green things and whole grains. I want to cook some steel cut oats so they will be ready for the morning. I want to prepare a big fat salad to take to work. I want to be ready for combat. The noodles are gone. That is over. I thought of ice cream but never acted on it. Maybe its over now. I can walk off the bloat.
I love this. I can apply it today. I was scared straight so to speak. I'd written how much I'd eaten. It was far more than what I have been eating lately. But it's the same principle. I had the desire to get back into the solution. And I knew then and know now what the solution is. I can do this. I am ready for combat.
We keep moving on, over and over, as many times as it takes.
Friday, March 6, 2009
I Love Friday Just Because
Ahhhhhhhhhhh Friday. Still feel sloshy. But I am feeling better. Appears I am not alone in my battle of the bulge. Panic set in when it got in the low 80's today and I thought of my summer clothes. I hate wearing lots of clothes when it's hot. I like thin things and shorts or capri's. I hate feeling hot and stuffy in suffocating garb. So I decided to face facts and I got in the closet tonight. Besides, I wanted to enjoy the evening air and my jeans were hot. I tried on the 8's in a capri and shorts. I was thrilled that they zipped - thank goodness for stretch fabric. The fit is snug. and wearable, but there's this poof that pours over the waistline. "No biggie," I thought. I can take this on. I have been in far worse situations! So I am feeling pretty good tonight. I stuck with nice healthy low salt stuff and I am finished eating for the day, lounging in my chaise - which is still sitting in front of the fire place. I have to move it back to it's Summer spot in the living room since there won't be a fire this weekend. I'd like one more fire though before the season ends.
My weight was up a couple pounds this a.m. and it pissed me off but I am over it now. It's gonna go right back down. Soon. I am back to basic good healthy behavior and the past is the past. I did not try on my 6's but I only have a couple of those anyway. I was not going to set myself up for disappointment. I can trim off the winter bulge and get over it all. I know what to do and I accept it now. Not going to make this a battle with myself or a self loathing episode. I have come too far in healing my relationship with me. Hooray for that.
As for work, I find it better not to engage in talk with other employees about the job loss situation. Most folks get pretty negative eventually when we go there. I am dedicated to staying as positive as I can. I have moments of blue anyway and I don't need to add any more. A guy I worked with in the past called yesterday and asked how I was doing. He had heard about the plans to move our jobs to Ohio. I told him I was fine but asked could I use him as a reference. He said of course, and that he'd love to have me working with/for him. I said I could not move to southern CA for a couple of years yet and he said everything is e-mail and phones these days anyway. So I said I'd be glad to work from home with regular trips to SoCal. And I sent him my resume. He forwarded it to some VP lawyers. Maybe they will create me a position working from home. My dream job. Working from home with trips to CA! It's tedious contracting work, but at least I know I am qualified.
On a side note I got the new washer and dryer today, compliments of landlord. Our washer broke and landlord let me shop for the new set. I bought them and took it off the rent. They are humming away in the background as I write. More capacity. Brand new. Makes laundry almost exciting. But not quite. The kids are way more excited about the new appliances than I am. That's funny. Serious laundry doers they are, and I am proud of them for it.
Well anyway, I am not quite as sloshy tonight and I am having an optimistic moment so I am going to savor it. Daughter is visiting a friend. Grandson went jogging with a new buddy in the neighborhood and is home now - doing laundry ..hee hee. So all is well in my world.
My weight was up a couple pounds this a.m. and it pissed me off but I am over it now. It's gonna go right back down. Soon. I am back to basic good healthy behavior and the past is the past. I did not try on my 6's but I only have a couple of those anyway. I was not going to set myself up for disappointment. I can trim off the winter bulge and get over it all. I know what to do and I accept it now. Not going to make this a battle with myself or a self loathing episode. I have come too far in healing my relationship with me. Hooray for that.
As for work, I find it better not to engage in talk with other employees about the job loss situation. Most folks get pretty negative eventually when we go there. I am dedicated to staying as positive as I can. I have moments of blue anyway and I don't need to add any more. A guy I worked with in the past called yesterday and asked how I was doing. He had heard about the plans to move our jobs to Ohio. I told him I was fine but asked could I use him as a reference. He said of course, and that he'd love to have me working with/for him. I said I could not move to southern CA for a couple of years yet and he said everything is e-mail and phones these days anyway. So I said I'd be glad to work from home with regular trips to SoCal. And I sent him my resume. He forwarded it to some VP lawyers. Maybe they will create me a position working from home. My dream job. Working from home with trips to CA! It's tedious contracting work, but at least I know I am qualified.
On a side note I got the new washer and dryer today, compliments of landlord. Our washer broke and landlord let me shop for the new set. I bought them and took it off the rent. They are humming away in the background as I write. More capacity. Brand new. Makes laundry almost exciting. But not quite. The kids are way more excited about the new appliances than I am. That's funny. Serious laundry doers they are, and I am proud of them for it.
Well anyway, I am not quite as sloshy tonight and I am having an optimistic moment so I am going to savor it. Daughter is visiting a friend. Grandson went jogging with a new buddy in the neighborhood and is home now - doing laundry ..hee hee. So all is well in my world.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Sloshy
Ok, I feel sloshy. That's the perfect word to describe it. Carb slosh. That's what it is. I forgot my lunch today. I ate a protein bar and had a frozen coffee light for lunch. I had a half a pop tart for breakfast and coffee. Then I had snack wells from the vending machine for snack and I don't consider them snacking well at all. Oh, morning snack was baked lays potato chips from the vending machine. Then there was green popcorn. I write all this because I need to face up to the deal here. I am out there in no man's land with food. It could be worse, but it needs to be better. I don't want to even talk about dinner. I need the Drastic. Maybe a modified Drastic or a realistic Drastic. But some kind of Drastic.
The roller coaster at the office is getting to me somewhat. I have been combing job openings and being mostly positive but then I find myself having moments of sheer stress. Plus I have this project - examining some 270 boxes of documents at the warehouse for destruction or retention, then what gets retained will be scanned and then....I review all the scans and categorize them. Yes, me, just me. It sounds daunting, in addition to my regular job. It's work and it all pays the same but it made me a bit nervous once I wrapped my head around the volume of it. It seems menacing and looming at the moment. I wish I could think of it as a refreshing change from my "normal" job but there is no normal anymore. It think someone said each box could contain 5000 pieces of paper. Not that I look at every sheet...but still...wow.
I don't want to stress eat and I think I need to admit that I am. I am not constantly craving food but I am gravitating to the food and trying not to think about it. I need to think about it. Plan for it and be done with it. Lack of preparation got me today. So tomorrow I must make it a point to be ready tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day, right?
The roller coaster at the office is getting to me somewhat. I have been combing job openings and being mostly positive but then I find myself having moments of sheer stress. Plus I have this project - examining some 270 boxes of documents at the warehouse for destruction or retention, then what gets retained will be scanned and then....I review all the scans and categorize them. Yes, me, just me. It sounds daunting, in addition to my regular job. It's work and it all pays the same but it made me a bit nervous once I wrapped my head around the volume of it. It seems menacing and looming at the moment. I wish I could think of it as a refreshing change from my "normal" job but there is no normal anymore. It think someone said each box could contain 5000 pieces of paper. Not that I look at every sheet...but still...wow.
I don't want to stress eat and I think I need to admit that I am. I am not constantly craving food but I am gravitating to the food and trying not to think about it. I need to think about it. Plan for it and be done with it. Lack of preparation got me today. So tomorrow I must make it a point to be ready tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day, right?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tuesday Notes
Today was the first decent eating day I have had in a while. I can go to bed without regrets. It's day 5 -I think- on the hormones. I have felt some puffiness but that can be reduced by paying attention to what I eat. Just getting back to my lean protein, high fiber, lower carb regimen for a day has made me feel better. I went to gym tonight for cardio. And then I stocked up on my healthy stuff. I have not been eating terribly, but I have not been paying attention and when I don't pay attention the intake steadily increases. So I want to get back to the Drastic - remember the Drastic? Helen invented the Drastic last year I think. It works. It really does!
Speaking of drastic, I sent resumes to three different job opportunities today. I am not in a hurry to leave my current job but since it is going to leave me at some point in the not too distant future, I thought I would at least get into practice. I am not perfectly qualified for any of them and only one of them made me really excited. It is the program chair for a paralegal program at a school. Not a university, a vocational school. It sounded fun. I was fairly warm toward another, a compliance specialist in lending. The other was for drafting contracts and proposals for sales people in a "fast paced, stay late with short notice, strict deadline" environment. Not exactly my cup of tea but I gave it a shot. Now that I think about it, I am qualified for all three as far as I am concerned. I'd need some training here and there but I feel qualified. I want to explore job openings that I feel excited about. I am watching the job market for interesting stuff. Stuff that does not make me go "ick" while reading the description (hee hee).
I am up and down about this new era in my career. Sometimes the idea of interviewing sounds fun and exciting, and then there are moments where I cannot imagine doing it at all. I have not interviewed for a job in seven years I think... So sending resumes and cover letters is the first step. I'd like to land an interview here and there just for practice in anticipation of getting my actual notice. People aren't saying a whole lot at work about the situation. But the "project" is moving forward. I am training for certain "project" related projects this week. My daily duties will change, get busy, get different and then go away. There is an element of excitement in it all but then there is a sad side and a slightly scary side.
Enough of that. I don't want to dwell on that situation. Just take the right steps and then enjoy life. There is much to enjoy in life. Yesterday I had to take each kid to a different doctor. I took several hours off of work to accomplish this. While walking through the medical building with my daughter in search of vending machines (so I could get a diet coke) I had a moment of deep appreciation. We were just giggling around in the medical center hallway and I realized how much fun we were having just going to the doctor. Just being together. I have been doing that a lot lately. Realizing how pleasant the present can be and savoring it, cherishing it.
More will be revealed!! Hopefully on the scale tomorrow morning...well hopefully less will be revealed on the scale tomorrow if I can help it.
Speaking of drastic, I sent resumes to three different job opportunities today. I am not in a hurry to leave my current job but since it is going to leave me at some point in the not too distant future, I thought I would at least get into practice. I am not perfectly qualified for any of them and only one of them made me really excited. It is the program chair for a paralegal program at a school. Not a university, a vocational school. It sounded fun. I was fairly warm toward another, a compliance specialist in lending. The other was for drafting contracts and proposals for sales people in a "fast paced, stay late with short notice, strict deadline" environment. Not exactly my cup of tea but I gave it a shot. Now that I think about it, I am qualified for all three as far as I am concerned. I'd need some training here and there but I feel qualified. I want to explore job openings that I feel excited about. I am watching the job market for interesting stuff. Stuff that does not make me go "ick" while reading the description (hee hee).
I am up and down about this new era in my career. Sometimes the idea of interviewing sounds fun and exciting, and then there are moments where I cannot imagine doing it at all. I have not interviewed for a job in seven years I think... So sending resumes and cover letters is the first step. I'd like to land an interview here and there just for practice in anticipation of getting my actual notice. People aren't saying a whole lot at work about the situation. But the "project" is moving forward. I am training for certain "project" related projects this week. My daily duties will change, get busy, get different and then go away. There is an element of excitement in it all but then there is a sad side and a slightly scary side.
Enough of that. I don't want to dwell on that situation. Just take the right steps and then enjoy life. There is much to enjoy in life. Yesterday I had to take each kid to a different doctor. I took several hours off of work to accomplish this. While walking through the medical building with my daughter in search of vending machines (so I could get a diet coke) I had a moment of deep appreciation. We were just giggling around in the medical center hallway and I realized how much fun we were having just going to the doctor. Just being together. I have been doing that a lot lately. Realizing how pleasant the present can be and savoring it, cherishing it.
More will be revealed!! Hopefully on the scale tomorrow morning...well hopefully less will be revealed on the scale tomorrow if I can help it.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Sunday Morning Blog Fest
It is a chilly Sunday morning and I am sitting in front of the fireplace in my favorite chair. Very relaxing. I have my coffee and my breakfast (measured and counted) next to me. I feel good. It is so nice to catch up on every one's blogs. I have been behind. I have been blogging now for going on three years. It is amazing how much I have gotten to know people. I miss reading and finding out what is happening in their day to day lives. So I am having a nice, long, unlimited blog fest this morning! Here's my update..
Friday I want to the doctor. He referred to me as "slender" when he was talking about medical conditions. Funny I cannot recall exactly what he was saying - just the slender part! I'd lost 11 pounds since I saw him last. But since I have been focused on my gain from the holidays, and not my overall loss, it was a MAJOR shift in perspective for me. I stopped him and said "slender?" and he went over my weight history, from the highest point and told me I had done what few people are able to do. As far as he is concerned my weight is good where it is and he recommended not losing any more and staying the same. I have decided for now I am happy anywhere in the 150's but prefer the lower 150's and even the upper 140's. He does not consider me overweight and said that a few extra pounds was better than being under - he had a rationale, but I forgot it. It may be the bone loss stuff.
Boy, I needed that one. I floated out of that appointment. It was a celebration of how healthy I am and what I have accomplished. I am having blood work to check my cholesterol and things. I have not had blood work since the weight loss. It will be interesting. My ratio was at the very end of the range at my top weight. But that was because my good cholesterol was high enough to balance the bad, most likely due to exercise. I was right at the brink, though. I have to fast so I will get the blood drawn Monday or Tuesday morning.
The main outcome of the doctor visit was hormones. I am taking them now. A woman at work said something yesterday about it helping her with arthritis. That made me wonder if the arthritis flare up after the accident had any relationship to my drop in estrogen. Anyway, maybe I will get a benefit. Since there is a small weight fluctuation associated with hormones, I am back to tracking and measuring to make sure I know what my food intake is. Like last year when I took the prednisone, I am using this as an opportunity to get back on track. I like my doctor very much. He sat for a long time and discussed various hormone therapies and the risks and benefits. He talked about studies. He looked up costs. It was really nice.
The work week was a roller coaster. At Wednesday's big meeting we all sat together and listened to the general manager drone on about what is best for the company and the customer. I know people were probably thinking about what was best for them and their families, having been told the day before that they would be losing their jobs, but not exactly when. . And at the point of knowing your job is going away, do you really find the new business plan - the one that excludes you - of any interest? It is interesting to me up to a point and then it makes my stomach hurt a little or makes me feel kind of nauseated. But I have spent some time celebrating my own career accomplishments. I started feeling that way when I was putting together a resume. I try to stay positive but sometimes it feels strenuous.
I have been watching my food. I weighed less at the doctor's office fully clothed than I have been weighing at home first thing in the morning with no clothes. I may have lost a couple of pounds. I have not been weighing every day. My last gym visit was Thursday. Friday night I took the kids to the art museum for the evening. There was music, and of course art. That was a nice outing. Daughter brought a friend. Yesterday I took the long trip to see one of my sons. I did not get back until almost 10. So there has not been any exercise time for me so far this weekend. But it has been relaxing. Even the long drive was fairly relaxing except for the trip back which involved large trucks and buses passing me at close range in the falling snow and wind. More than anything my body is telling me I need rest.
I think I need to have a nice long day of relaxing activity. Taking frequent breaks while getting a few things accomplished here and there. I want to focus on things that make me feel positive about life. It is good to be home.
Friday I want to the doctor. He referred to me as "slender" when he was talking about medical conditions. Funny I cannot recall exactly what he was saying - just the slender part! I'd lost 11 pounds since I saw him last. But since I have been focused on my gain from the holidays, and not my overall loss, it was a MAJOR shift in perspective for me. I stopped him and said "slender?" and he went over my weight history, from the highest point and told me I had done what few people are able to do. As far as he is concerned my weight is good where it is and he recommended not losing any more and staying the same. I have decided for now I am happy anywhere in the 150's but prefer the lower 150's and even the upper 140's. He does not consider me overweight and said that a few extra pounds was better than being under - he had a rationale, but I forgot it. It may be the bone loss stuff.
Boy, I needed that one. I floated out of that appointment. It was a celebration of how healthy I am and what I have accomplished. I am having blood work to check my cholesterol and things. I have not had blood work since the weight loss. It will be interesting. My ratio was at the very end of the range at my top weight. But that was because my good cholesterol was high enough to balance the bad, most likely due to exercise. I was right at the brink, though. I have to fast so I will get the blood drawn Monday or Tuesday morning.
The main outcome of the doctor visit was hormones. I am taking them now. A woman at work said something yesterday about it helping her with arthritis. That made me wonder if the arthritis flare up after the accident had any relationship to my drop in estrogen. Anyway, maybe I will get a benefit. Since there is a small weight fluctuation associated with hormones, I am back to tracking and measuring to make sure I know what my food intake is. Like last year when I took the prednisone, I am using this as an opportunity to get back on track. I like my doctor very much. He sat for a long time and discussed various hormone therapies and the risks and benefits. He talked about studies. He looked up costs. It was really nice.
The work week was a roller coaster. At Wednesday's big meeting we all sat together and listened to the general manager drone on about what is best for the company and the customer. I know people were probably thinking about what was best for them and their families, having been told the day before that they would be losing their jobs, but not exactly when. . And at the point of knowing your job is going away, do you really find the new business plan - the one that excludes you - of any interest? It is interesting to me up to a point and then it makes my stomach hurt a little or makes me feel kind of nauseated. But I have spent some time celebrating my own career accomplishments. I started feeling that way when I was putting together a resume. I try to stay positive but sometimes it feels strenuous.
I have been watching my food. I weighed less at the doctor's office fully clothed than I have been weighing at home first thing in the morning with no clothes. I may have lost a couple of pounds. I have not been weighing every day. My last gym visit was Thursday. Friday night I took the kids to the art museum for the evening. There was music, and of course art. That was a nice outing. Daughter brought a friend. Yesterday I took the long trip to see one of my sons. I did not get back until almost 10. So there has not been any exercise time for me so far this weekend. But it has been relaxing. Even the long drive was fairly relaxing except for the trip back which involved large trucks and buses passing me at close range in the falling snow and wind. More than anything my body is telling me I need rest.
I think I need to have a nice long day of relaxing activity. Taking frequent breaks while getting a few things accomplished here and there. I want to focus on things that make me feel positive about life. It is good to be home.
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