Eating and Anxiety

I never thought about it in plain and simple terms until I read it in a daily reading this morning. Overeating causes anxiety - for me. Overeating causes mood swings. I know I may also overeat in response to anxiety and mood swings, but overeating is also a cause. I have food hangovers. Wow.

Maybe I discovered this before and acknowledged it but today it seems like a huge realization. That is why when I keep my food "sane" I feel sane. Hmmmmmm. I think I may go back and read some of my old posts when I was steadily losing and keeping track of food. It could be enlightening since I have lost touch. I just gain and lose that last five to ten pounds over and over now. It might be nice to finish this last stage of the weight loss legacy and go into true maintenance of a weight that I am comfortable with instead of settling for this like I have been doing. Some of it is indecision on what my happy weight actually is. But I know one thing. I feel uncomfortable at this weight so I must focus on taking some off and then honestly maintaining at a comfortable level. Not living on the edge.

I am glad I am paying attention to my body's health now and not putting it on the back burner anymore.

That's enough revelations before my morning coffee!! Oh, sheesh, maybe I should give up that, too...

Re-claiming my life

Yesterday was one of those cool, crisp, clear blue sky October days. The leaves are just starting to turn colors, too. I took my bike into the historic riverfront area and rode. I went to my coffee shop to read and journal. It was perfect. Later I had my final of eight therapist appointments. I may be able to get more approved but I may not really need them. Still, it is very good for me to go. I don't remember much more about the day except I watched some TV and a movie later with daughter. I am starting to unwind and relax. I also got a book in the mail that I had ordered. I read. Daughter and I took dog for an evening moonlit stroll at the riverfront, too. It was a day doing things I love.

My first couple of days off work I still felt a little anxiety. I also had odd dreams about working, not working at the old job but weird working dreams. I think things are just lifting out of me. It rained early this morning. I woke up and heard the thunder coming and then relaxed and went back to sleep with the soothing rain. It is still wet and cloudy out which makes for a nice morning to be cozy in bed reading, and blogging. The leaves rustle outside my window in the breeze. It makes a restful sound. I do not have to do anything until 3 pm when we have an orthodontist appointment.

My back has felt great since Friday's physical therapy. I may not need to go as much anymore. I am very grateful I had the therapy when I needed it. I have been thinking of all the things I am grateful for and noticing that nowdays I take care of myself with out even thinking about it. I think I will take a walk with the dog in between the rain showers. And perhaps a nap.

I feel like I am getting back to my normal self. My balance was a little off for a while. I need rest and time. And I have both today.

The pounds gained last week are coming off. My body feels pretty good, just a tad too puffy but easily taken care of with some exercise, right eating, and lots of water!

Ahh at last!!!! The Friday of all Fridays!!

The joy of unemployment (with pay) is finally upon me. Today is my first day off. In fact it is the first day that I have not worked in two weeks straight because I worked a few hours each on last Saturday and Sunday. It feels really good. I find that people have a hard time understanding why I feel so good. But it matters not. I know why. It's because I can relax and take it easy. It is because I have faith that everything is going to turn out just fine. It is because I can stay in the moment and appreciate it for exactly what it is.

Yesterday we had my goodbye lunch, I packed files up to be shipped to Ohio and did a little more training for the person taking over my role in The Project. I left work early and went to physical therapy afterward. It was a good way to transition. My back was hurting and after PT it felt good again. My daughter's surprise party was last night so there was little time to contemplate my unemployment. I did let out a big Woo Hoo as I drove across the bridge that takes me home each day.

When I was checking out in the grocery store with the cake, I got a call from the company where I had my Wednesday interview. It was the in-house recruiter telling me that they were very interested in moving forward with an offer but she needed me to fill out and return the application she gave me Wednesday. I brought it home and had not had a chance to fill it out. I told her I'd scan it and e-mail it to her. She said I'd be hearing from them next week.

It felt good to have something promising in the works but I want to savor the lack of work for a bit. I already told them I was going to take some time off before working again. Not too much, but enough. I will see what they offer and how I feel about it all next week. Right now I am enjoying the ease of having nothing hanging over my head. Of course there is housework, bills to pay, the usual, but I don't have a time crunch. It is Saturday but I don't look at the clock and feel the time is ticking away and I have to do things before the weekend ends. I have time and that's a very nice feeling.

I am unwinding and enjoying life. I dropped the dog off to be groomed so he can look good for all the walks we will take. I had a lazy breakfast at the coffee shop while reading writing a little. Then I found a great big beautiful canvas at the thrift store to hang over my bed in my room. It compliments the color of my walls which I have had trouble getting used to. The blend of colors really improves the overall color scheme of the room. I have been doing bits of decorating for a while now. On a budget, of course. I find that I can get pictures at the thrift shop and use the frames to frame other prints that I like. The good stuff goes fast so I stop by often to see what is new and if there is something good I go ahead and get it.

I gained a few pounds from Wednesday to this morning but it was from eating out and celebrating daughter's birthday. I feel like it is coming off as we speak. I am relaxed and eating sanely along with drinking plenty of water. I did some exercises this morning and plan to do some dog walking or biking tomorrow. Today's main theme is rest. Lots and lots of rest. Delicious, luxurious rest. Everything can wait. Nothing has to be taken care of immediately.

That being said, I think I will take a little nap!

More will be revealed...

Interview Suits

Remember those suits I bought back in March for interviews? I bought a total of three and posted about two of them. This is one of the photos. I am so glad I went shopping and bought them back then. They were ready for my lunch interviews last week which sprung up quickly and unexpectedly, three entire outfits, shoes, bags, jewelry, all ready to go. Having them on hand made it so easy and stress free. They fit well, and I'd already worn them each once and gotten good reviews. I now have my third interview on Wednesday- this one is not a lunch date, it is a meeting on site with the two HR people. I have already lunched with the associate and the general counsel. For some reason the HR people make me a bit nervous but I am looking forward to going on site and seeing the place. The whole scenario intrigues me, in fact. So Wednesday will be the blue suit with those great shoes that I have been keeping in the box ready for such an occasion. They are still brand new. It felt good to put them on tonight.

This is such an interesting development really. I'd never heard of this company. It is tucked away a little west of me, sort of in the country. The location is great. Only twelve miles away and going against the commuter traffic. It's a profitable company in an industry that will be in demand indefinitely. They appear to pay well from what I have researched. I know when they lay people off they severance well because I read about their layoffs. Funny I would have never thought about that before when checking out a company, but it seems relevant now. I felt energized and positive after talking with each of the lawyers. Very comfortable. Especially with the boss. So I am kind of psyched to go there and find out more.

I have four more days left to work. I felt stressed over the weekend. I worked about eight hours and I felt like I should be working all the time. I felt like I was abandoning my co-workers and leaving an unfinished project. I felt guilty but I have a tendancy to do that to myself at times. I am somewhat over it tonight. I put in a huge effort on this. projoct and I can't help they gave me such an early date and did not ask me to stay longer until the last minute. If after the meeting on Wednesday I know I am not getting the new job, I may consider offering to stay, but only if it feels good to do so. Right now the idea of being off feels really good to me.

On another note, physical therapy is helping my back problems. It also helps me relax after work. I feel a sense of relief this evening that I have not had in a while. There is a seemingly endless amount of work to do but I don't have to do it all. The other people who have the same last day as me have been helping me come to terms with all of this. One told me that he, too, turned down an extension. He said his brain is turning to mush. Everyone is supportive really. It just seems to be happening so fast. But I feel like I am making peace with it all.

Anyway, I need to go to bed. Sleep makes me feel great when I wake up. I am very much a morning person these days. What a difference a good night's sleep can make.

More will be revealed.

The Final Week

I have one week left on the job. I was offered an "extension" of 30 days because the grueling project is still not finished (nor will it be in 30 days) but I declined. I still get my severence package and can walk out the door a free woman. I think they were all shocked I said no. They may have taken it for granted I'd say yes and keep on giving and giving. If they'd asked a month ago when I told them the project would not be complete by Oct. 2nd and asked them to give me advance notice of an extension, I would have said yes. I may have even said yes at the beginning of last week. But yesterday, a week and a half left to go, I said no.

I'd gone back and forth in my head, thinking that the financial benefit of one more month's pay would be good. But that would be one month delay to my job search and I'd miss October - the month I'd looked forward to having off. I have also had two lunches with a prospective employer who has shown high interest in me and I gave him an availability date based on my Oct 2nd end date. I don't want to change it, and I don't want to jeoapardize getting an offer. They are supposed to set up a third meeting with the HR and upper management. I have already lunched with the VP and general counsel. He and I hit it off nicely. I was not looking for a job yet, but my boss recommended me to an attorney she knew and that prompted the lunching with lawyers.

So this last week will be intense, overtime and temps thrown at me, one more week of dedication and that's it. I need to remember that. One more week. When I turned down the request to stay longer, I said I'd do as much as possible in this upcoming week. I also suggested how they proceed without me, and have been transitioning my role. Last week I trained my other replacement. I'm tired and I want it to be over. It does not seem like it will ever end.

Anyway, I want to get back to blogging more soon. I want my dream of doing nothing for a while. But right now I just need to go to bed....

More will be revealed..

Inspiration

We had the opportunity to watch (photograph and even video tape) this baseball player warming up before the game about a week ago. Watching him stretch was inspiring. I have not been doing my floor routine in the morning and my body feels (and shows) it. It always makes me feel good to stretch and to have flexibility. Athletes are inspiring. The strength and the range of movement they achieve.. I never thought of baseball as anything but running and throwing, and hitting the ball with the bat. I've watched more of the sport this year than ever before in my life. I now see the ballet and acrobatics - the jumping, reaching, diving, sliding, twirling, leaping, running, twisting, and so on.. No wonder he's stretching.

Physical therapy involves a variety of stretches for me. Stretches I never thought of doing. I used to think stretching before a work out was a waste of time. I feel silly admitting that now. Anyway I have a new found respect for it.. and am starting a new routine inspired by watching this fine athelete!

Grasping for Normal

I can't believe how long its been since my last post. I became buried in a work project, too buried for a person who received her severance agreement last week. Getting up at 4 a.m. splitting my day and working in the evenings, thinking of little else. It was too much. Nothing felt good anymore. All I could think of was getting this project finished by my last day of work. Why? That's what I asked myself when the severance agreement came in the mail. Why am I knocking myself out on this poorly plan, poorly executed project for a company that has me training my replacement the week after next? People keep hinting they will ask me to stay longer since my boss does not want anyone else in the department to have to work on the Project but me. But she wants me out on October 2nd and the Project, Mission Impossible, will not be finished. I am sick of it. My hands hurt. I am tired. I want it to be over. And I want my Normal back. Not anyone else's normal, just mine.





I had this moment of truth on Wednesday. I just wanted my life back. And then Thursday afternoon one of my daughter's friends was killed in a car accident. On a bright, beautiful, sunny afternoon out in the country on the way to a park in a car with her best friend driving - 16 years old. Gone in an instant. It was and is devastating. Nothing seems like it will ever be the same. My daughter took it very very hard. I was and am at a loss of what to do. I just try and help her whatever way I can. I can't even really talk about it much. It is too fresh.





But back to moments of truth and grasping at normal, I have been so out of whack, with everything. My routine was upset by the altered work hours, my food, my exercise, all in the toilet. I skipped bike riding last weekend to clean house. My sleep was off. I was not really taking care of myself. It really hit me Wednesday and it was a relief. I just gave up. I am losing my job. I don't have to be a superstar and do the impossible so they can make sure they fire me on time. I don't have to stay longer even if they ask me to. And if I they do and I stay I can do it on my terms. I don't have to do a perfect job. I want to do a good job. But more than anything I want it to be over.





I took a bike ride this evening, finally. I also took the dog for a walk with grandson. Daughter has been spending time with friends today shopping for funeral clothes and grieving together. My brother is coming next weekend and I bought baseball tickets. I felt myself again as I rode my bike through the little riverfront town that I love.





I have not been too far from myself , but I have missed me. I need me back again.



Physical therapy is going great by the way, and in that area I AM taking care of myself, or at least letting someone else take care of me!!


More will be revealed.