Still Walking

I walked everyday this week except Friday. I was very tired so I took it easy. It is gloomy this morning and I feel a tad bit down so I am at the coffee shop having tea. My scale is not going down like I want. I did lose a pound and I am making changes in my food so something has to give, right? I shopped for hiking boots. I may get a pair today. The walking shoes feel fantastic. I look forward to hikes in the fall colors.

The Right Direction

I know why I like walking. It's simple. You point yourself in a good direction, and just keep on moving. That's what I have decided to do with my life. The dog and I took an 8.3 mile hike yesterday. It was very hilly and rugged. It took about four hours with a few breaks. It is a very scenic trail through woods and bluffs that overlook the river. It was breezy and cool, a perfect day for a hike. My food was not the best in the evening, but it was not the worst, either. I feel like I am making progress. My state of mind is much better. This morning I took a short walk and I was surprised that I am not sore from yesterday's hill climbing. I must be in better shape than I thought.

I also made a little progress in my room. I took two big piles of paperwork and sorted it out while watching a movie. It took a couple of hours. My room is overwhelming but I will get it together. It was a little sad going through the things. There was a file of information from the Alzheimer's Association, and lots of medical bills from when I was in the hospital, daughter's hospital stay, etc. There were numerous papers reflecting the job loss and somewhat disappointing new job.

I need to go easy on myself. I have been through so much in such a relatively short amount of time. I am grateful to be more on the other side of it now. I feel hopeful and steady. I talk down my negative thinking and don't dwell on ideas that bring me down.

More will be revealed.

New Shoes and Attitude

Hard to believe I have not blogged in almost two weeks. I have been busy in a very good way. Last weekend I did some major cleaning. I am very happy with my first floor. I enjoy being there again. I have also been taking very long walks with the dog. Tonight we walked about five and a half miles - in an hour and fifteen minutes. We took an hour walk Tuesday night and a forty minute walk on Monday. Those are good workouts for me, and the dog is very happy, too. But, I did not have good walking shoes and my feet were starting to bother me. So, tonight I went out and bought some very comfy and supportive shoes. They feel great. What a difference! I cannot wait to try them out tomorrow. Next, I want hiking boots because I am planning to do some scenic hikes now that the weather is cooling down.

I am feeling good again. The kids are enjoying school. Daughter is doing fantastic now. She has a part time job, she drives herself to school and work. Being busy is good for her. Grandson has a knee problem, but we went to the right doctor and he is going to have some physical therapy, etc. Long word for it, but not serious. He is very athletic, two gym classes plus weight room after school. First he was really upset about having to limit his activities for the next month, but he is feeling ok about it now. I am glad I took care of it right away so it can get better.

Taking care of my little circle of responsibility (me, my household, the two kids) is what we talked about in therapy the other night. I had two sessions this week and one last week. I think I should go often. It helps. I get confused and feel responsible for people when I am not. I feel guilty about being happy if someone else is not happy and so on. Anyhow, I am getting better now.

When I am feeling healthier mentally, I treat myself better physically. It comes naturally. I couple of weeks ago, feeling desperate, I bought HCG diet drops on the internet. When they arrived I was afraid to use them. The diet is 500 calories a day, except the first two days where you eat "lots of fattening food" - this all sounded bizarre to me. The HCG drops are supposed to contain a hormone (HCG) that makes this all work out really good, you lose fat, not muscle, don't feel hunger, and so on, but I was scare of it. I was pissed I spend so much money on it. I decided to do it, and tried to have day one yesterday, but I ended up flushing it down the toilet in a restroom at work. It made me feel kind of light headed. I did not want to eat a bunch of fattening food, either. Isn't that great? I was instructed to eat as much as I wanted, and I did not rush out and gorge. I have definitely come a long, long, way. I did not even like thinking about eating a bunch of fatty foods. And, I did not want eat 500 calories a day for 23 days and not exercise. I did not want to take drops when I really was not sure of all their contents - 20 percent alcohol - a substance I am not supposed to ingest.

I feel good about the flushing of the expensive weight loss drops. When I lost the big weight I did it by eating in balance. I lost and kept the weight off by eating healthy food in smaller portions and by maintaining a balance in my life. I have not gained very much weight. This is not a major catastrophe. But it needs to be addressed immediately. I feel excited again. I look forward to changing my body. I know I can do this. I can adapt my program now to what works for me at this point in my life.

Long dog walks are working well this week. And that's good enough for me!

Grateful

Today on the way home from my Mom's house I went a little out of the way to a state park. It was mainly to use an outdoor restroom because I had the dog with me. But it ended up in a nice nature hike with the dog. And a great picture taking session. I enjoyed it very much. I need to learn more about my camera so I can use settings to get better pictures in different light, etc. But for now I just enjoyed taking pictures and walking in the woods. We came upon this waterfall which was a real treat. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow. I had lunch with friends yesterday. I am appreciating my body more but still hoping to get on a better food/exercise program. For today I am grateful for the hike. And the dog.

Still Here

I'm still here. I appreciate the comments and support. Not much time to write but wanted to check in. I went to help my Mom get ready to move. I also took pictures of the property and my Dad's woodworking workshop and tool shed. I am thinking of art projects related to things that represent what he did in his life. I took home one of his manuscripts and started reading it. Unfortunately the first chapter described a soldier's funeral. So the detailed description of the military honors was just like his own funeral. I felt really weird after that. I stopped reading. I find I am sensitive and prone to depression the past couple of days but then, maybe that is how I always am.. I miss how I used to be. Happier and confident. I seem to have lost some confidence somewhere in the job loss, new job adjustment, death, illness and other things going on in the past year. I remember what it felt like to be excited about life and feel like I had things to look forward to. I hope to get that back. Today it is not here but I will get some sleep tonight and hope for the best. I know I need a therapist and I have one but I have been afraid to take time off of work and she only sees people in the day. flimsy excuse, right?

More will be revealed.

Saturday

I am glad I did not delete my blog. I came up with a nice dream to satisfy my desire to escape. My new exit plan is to move to Belize. A nice little tropical country. It makes me feel good to dream of it. I need to start thinking of dreams without limitations so that I can get to know my own wants and needs. I have spent most of my life thinking of the wants and needs of others. That's not a bad quality but I have to balance it with taking care of myself and all that good stuff. Speaking of which I have eaten less today. I have slept more. This week my food volume was too high but my food choices were good. I felt better about my job, too.

I went to my Al anon group this morning and then had coffee with a friend. Sitting and talking with someone who understands is so, so helpful. She and her husband have much in common with me. I need to hear how other people deal with things. I know I am not alone. They, too, experienced a death in their family recently. It was very unexpected, a nephew in his forties. Then my other close friend's son in law died very suddenly in an accident just a couple of weeks ago. When I talk to about what they are going through it gives me perspective and allows me to exchange kindness and support.

I am thankful for the nice comments and support that I get on here. When I thought of deleting my blog the first thought was that I couldn't do that especially because I know that Vickie checks in on me regularly. After all these years I would feel like I was walking out on good friends even though we don't see each other in person.

I am going to help my Mom get ready to move. She is moving next weekend. I am going to see her new place now that the rehabbing is finished. I am going to help her shop for some furniture solutions and also figure out what she is not taking with her. It is a bit overwhelming to go there, but this weekend and next will most likely be the last time I see the property which they have owned for 25 years. I want to take some photographs of the place and some of my Dad's stuff, like his workshop. I have a mixture of emotions about it all.

I promise to be kind to myself. After I wrote my post the other night I was able to get up and do some things that made me feel better. It helped to be honest instead of hide out.

More will be revealed.

Getting Desperate and Drastic

I almost deleted my blog today. I was going to delete myself from facebook and blogger. Some form of electronic suicide or something. I am frustrated with myself. Kind of disgusted with myself, too. I start and stop on my fitness efforts. I have never felt more tired than I do lately. A couple of my friends lost weight doing the HCG diet. I decided to order some. I waited to see if their weight stayed off and if they had any adverse reactions but so far no complaints and one of them lost the weight back in January I think. I only need or want to lose 20 pounds at the most so it seems like a short targeted program like that would be perfect. I have pondered this for some time now. So now that I paid for it and it is on its way to me I am committed. It is 26 to 30 days long. I feel desperate right now because I keep losing interest and trailing off when I start something. I just want to drop a chunk of weight and be done with it. I feel like I am getting back in the cycle of self loathing where I eat and hate myself and eat some more. Geez. I thought those days were over. How did I get here? Too much time alone isolating perhaps. But not motivated to really do much else. I feel like I could sleep for a year. If I get up and clothes feel tight I don't want to leave the house. That sort of thing. Anyhow, I don't post because I don't want to write stuff like this but thought I'd be honest instead of committing cybersuicide and deleting my blog. So the HCG seems drastic to me but I am going to go ahead with it. I spent too much money on it. I still have icky shakes from Body for Life, too. I feel a tad silly.