It has been a while since I posted any non-scale victories. A couple of months ago in the midst of a lot of shopping I bought the wrong size tights - small. I meant to return them but forgot. They were navy and the only navy tights I had. The other day I decided to go ahead and give them a try because I really needed navy in order to wear a particular outfit. They fit really good. All day I had the joy of knowing I was wearing a size small over the biggest parts of my body! Yea, maybe the sizes run big and they stretch well but I tell you what - small in a stocking/tight/legging etc. is a real event for me.
Also - found that the gym I joined has another location about five to ten minutes from work!! Woo hoo! Lunch workouts again! And I didn't even know it when I joined!! Evenings have just not lent themselves to going to the gym but I can sneak away on occasion from the office and then just stay a little later that day. I am elated at the thought.
I am much more calm at home these days because I meddle less in other people's business. Both my teenagers have recently shown strong talents in art. I look for the good things in people and my life and focus more on that. There is always something. My sister visited with her family yesterday and my grown son spent the night before with us. In the morning while I was at my meeting he cleaned the whole downstairs. It was so wonderful just to be able to come home and not rush around and clean, etc. I was so happy. We had some quality family time. I love having people to my home when it is tidy. It is roomy and there are lots of places to sit and socialize. I liken it to a coffee house. In fact, that's the atmosphere I wanted and I believe I have achieved it.
I spent some time with my high school art teacher last night because that's where my sister stays when they visit. She took me down to her studio and we talked about a project I have been wanting to do for a long time. It was great. I am going to make it a point to see her more. She is a real joy. He husband taught social studies/government. I had them both as teachers in high school. It is always a pleasure to see them again. Usually it is just when my sister comes but I realize now that I don't have to wait for her to come, I can have a relationship with them myself.
Happiness for me involves accepting things as they are but searching out the good, and finding ways to improve, being open to change, looking for what makes me calm, happy etc. and doing it. Staying grateful. Grieving the losses and appreciating the joys.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Moment of Gratitude
I went to the gym three times in the past week, a record for me lately. I am maintaining my initial five to six pound loss.
Weeks seem like months lately. So many things crammed into them. My son and I had a trip Tuesday to the small town courthouse for his first bond appearance. I considered it quality time spent together. Looking past the initial chaos that ensued shortly after I brought him home I can see many beautiful things. First of all, to have a loved one in maximum security prison for almost 13 years takes a toll on a person. Especially your own child. It is hard to articulate. We dream of the day we can do simple things together, cook a meal, go for a drive, sit on the couch and watch a movie. Hug, touch, love, speak freely, have all the time we need. Give to each other. I had given up on some of those dreams over the years. Leaving a person behind in a prison is hard. The desire to set them free is so great that it is painful to even think about sometimes.
So, I realized some of those dreams, many of them in the past month. As I stood outside the heavy metal l door waiting I could hear my son talking to the guards while they got him ready to leave. He did not know I was coming and that he was going to be able to come home. I paced and worried something would go wrong at the last minute. But the door eventually popped open and out he came. I will never forget the sound of the popping of that lock. I have heard those locks so many times as we moved through the passages of prisons, feeling like prisoners ourselves, in order to spend a couple of hours with our loved one. I think we were both in shock but it seemed so natural, driving together to long drive home. I kept taking wrong turns and getting lost even though I knew the way. He used my phone to call family and friends. I remember him telling a good friend he was riding in a car, drinking a milkshake, talking on a cellular phone. Simple things we take for granted.
I got to take him shopping and buy him clothes. I got to bring him upstairs and knock on his son's door and surprise him with his father no longer behind the walls of a prison, or the glass of a visiting room window. I got to cook a big dinner that we all sat down together and ate. We had coffee together in front of the fire in the mornings on the weekends while the kids were still asleep. I don't want to forget these things and take them for granted. I never thought we would be able to do these things together.
Yes, there was the period when his addiction flared which I did not think we would survive, but we did. And things have calmed again and we all have help and support. I am learning to let go. Learning that as much as I love a person I cannot control their destiny, protect them from themselves, or manage their life and activities. I can still love them, and I can take care of myself. I work hard to learn how to do this until it comes naturally. I never have to go through anything alone.
I have gotten to know my son better. I have seen him loving and affectionate and patient. Even in the rough weeks he was always loving to us. He never lost his temper with me even though I was very confrontational, angry and verbally out of line. It made me look at myself harder and it made me want to be a better person. I still have not had the luxury of time to reflect on things like I used to but I have moments to take like now to see how there are good things happening. Life is not a fairy tale but it can have happy moments, and if we choose to look for them, to recognize them, appreciate them and cherish them, we can endure the hardship with more dignity and faith.
I did not know what I was going to write about today but I wanted to post. I feel like I have been through a tornado but the rebuilding of my life in the aftermath will reveal an even better life beyond my wildest dreams.
Yesterday I celebrated 21 years without drugs or alcohol. I was an addict and alcoholic from the age of 15 to 30. It's been a long journey but I am grateful today that I have chosen to stick with it. I understand many things and I have compassion for others because of my experiences. I try to use my experience to help other people whenever possible.
More will be revealed.
Weeks seem like months lately. So many things crammed into them. My son and I had a trip Tuesday to the small town courthouse for his first bond appearance. I considered it quality time spent together. Looking past the initial chaos that ensued shortly after I brought him home I can see many beautiful things. First of all, to have a loved one in maximum security prison for almost 13 years takes a toll on a person. Especially your own child. It is hard to articulate. We dream of the day we can do simple things together, cook a meal, go for a drive, sit on the couch and watch a movie. Hug, touch, love, speak freely, have all the time we need. Give to each other. I had given up on some of those dreams over the years. Leaving a person behind in a prison is hard. The desire to set them free is so great that it is painful to even think about sometimes.
So, I realized some of those dreams, many of them in the past month. As I stood outside the heavy metal l door waiting I could hear my son talking to the guards while they got him ready to leave. He did not know I was coming and that he was going to be able to come home. I paced and worried something would go wrong at the last minute. But the door eventually popped open and out he came. I will never forget the sound of the popping of that lock. I have heard those locks so many times as we moved through the passages of prisons, feeling like prisoners ourselves, in order to spend a couple of hours with our loved one. I think we were both in shock but it seemed so natural, driving together to long drive home. I kept taking wrong turns and getting lost even though I knew the way. He used my phone to call family and friends. I remember him telling a good friend he was riding in a car, drinking a milkshake, talking on a cellular phone. Simple things we take for granted.
I got to take him shopping and buy him clothes. I got to bring him upstairs and knock on his son's door and surprise him with his father no longer behind the walls of a prison, or the glass of a visiting room window. I got to cook a big dinner that we all sat down together and ate. We had coffee together in front of the fire in the mornings on the weekends while the kids were still asleep. I don't want to forget these things and take them for granted. I never thought we would be able to do these things together.
Yes, there was the period when his addiction flared which I did not think we would survive, but we did. And things have calmed again and we all have help and support. I am learning to let go. Learning that as much as I love a person I cannot control their destiny, protect them from themselves, or manage their life and activities. I can still love them, and I can take care of myself. I work hard to learn how to do this until it comes naturally. I never have to go through anything alone.
I have gotten to know my son better. I have seen him loving and affectionate and patient. Even in the rough weeks he was always loving to us. He never lost his temper with me even though I was very confrontational, angry and verbally out of line. It made me look at myself harder and it made me want to be a better person. I still have not had the luxury of time to reflect on things like I used to but I have moments to take like now to see how there are good things happening. Life is not a fairy tale but it can have happy moments, and if we choose to look for them, to recognize them, appreciate them and cherish them, we can endure the hardship with more dignity and faith.
I did not know what I was going to write about today but I wanted to post. I feel like I have been through a tornado but the rebuilding of my life in the aftermath will reveal an even better life beyond my wildest dreams.
Yesterday I celebrated 21 years without drugs or alcohol. I was an addict and alcoholic from the age of 15 to 30. It's been a long journey but I am grateful today that I have chosen to stick with it. I understand many things and I have compassion for others because of my experiences. I try to use my experience to help other people whenever possible.
More will be revealed.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Saturday Morning Peace
Thanks for all of your kind and supportive words, it means so much to me to know I have so many people caring even though we have never met each other in person. I read Animal's comment right after I'd made a cup of hot tea, and when I saw what she said about having a cup of tea with me, it gave me a feeling that there really is something more, something greater going on in our lives than just the day to day events..
It's Saturday morning and I am in my favorite chair. I keep it in front of the fireplace in the winter. Last night I built a fire and sat in front of it all evening. I watched parts of a movie, read a little, talked on the phone. I had a good night's sleep. I did eat a bunch of food - something I have not been doing. But since I have not had an appetite much lately I thought it might be a good sign. I almost wish for the days when my biggest deal was if I was going to lose those 5-10 pounds.
Anyway, last Saturday I went to an Ala-non meeting. I admitted how crazy I'd been feeling and acting after my son started using drugs again. I got phone numbers and talked to people. That was a good beginning. Even though there were more meltdowns to come, after my second Al anon meeting on Wednesday night, a parent group, I was able to become more peaceful in my resolve to take care of myself, and the rest of the family, and let my son go. On Thursday night he was at our house. I found him smoking something in the garage so I calmly went upstairs and got the bag I had already packed for him and he knew it was time to leave. I told him if he wanted to check into a detox or some other program I would help him do that. He does not want that. So I waited while he made phone calls to find someone to take him in. It was very sad to hear him. It is sad to see how he is. But I have to go on. I have to pick up the pieces and get on with life. He understood. We did not fight. We were both sad. He cannot live without it, I cannot live with it. I also cannot subsidize his life while he chooses to do do that instead of being a part of the family. I surrendered him to the life he has chosen.
Anyway, that's what I did about that. It is not over yet, we still hear from him and its only been a couple of days but I am finding myself feeling more myself. Maybe I will be a little different but I will still be me, and I do have plenty of hope and many things to be grateful for. My daughter is doing very well on her medicines. This situation with my son was hard for her but she has new boyfriend she is excited about (a very nice young man) and she is getting much more involved in school. I couldn't be happier. My grandson is coping better than me. He saw his therapist on Wednesday afternoon when I made an emergency appointment for him. She called me that night out of concern from me and offered to let me see their new intern for free. Grandson works out everyday after school and does training for volleyball and is now getting into boxing with some friends. I think the physical activity is very good for him. We may be a little closer as a result of this whole ordeal.
I showed my kids that I am going to take care of myself and get help. I also showed them that I am not going to let an active drug user live in our home even if we love him very much. I worked hard at my job this week. My employers know about the situation with my Dad and they know my daughter had been having panic attacks, but they don't know about the situation with my son. It is not necessary. They fired the legal secretary Wednesday (that almost put me over the edge) but Thursday morning I was assured that they are mindful of not overloading me. Overall, it was a good week at work and I am feeling caught up and competent.
One random wild and crazy incident happened on Thursday - on my lunch hour I traveled to the rental house (she's moving April 1 - another stress) to get the rent (28 days late) and on the way back after going to her bank, my bank and then for a coffee to celebrate - a car hit me from the side while I was driving in a parking lot. The person who hit me told me she hit a curb or something, and then I asked if she had insurance and she said no - I then said I"d need to turn it in on mine and needed some information. Then she said "I can't afford no police, I don't even have a license" so I said, just a minute I just need a little information for my insurance company. I got to my car and dialed 911 on the cell phone while taking down her license,. She pulled forward and parked while I told the 911 operator where I was, etc. and then while I was still on the phone with 911 she pulled off and drove away. To make a long story short, the police caught up with her on Friday and now they say the car is insured. So, I just passed all the information along to my insurance company. It was an icky incident and I am still leery that the insurance is legitimate, etc. And, that the person they talked to was really the driver of the car. But, if the insurance company pays, and I get my deductibles back, then I will let it all go. There is a pending court date for leaving the scene.
I guess it was Tuesday my Dad went into the nursing home. My Mom is pretty torn up but she is getting some rest and doing things around the house she could not do before. She is also having some time to herself so she can focus on what she needs to do for her. My Mom and I are on some sort of parallel - we both feel devastated and a tremendous loss - but we both know we need to take care of ourselves are are doing that now. There may be many good things about my Dad's new situation. It is very hard to think of him there though. I had wanted to drive down this weekend but the weather is not good down there so I probably will not. Perhaps tomorrow. For today I am going to go to my Al anon meeting and relax.
Thinking of all these things at once gets me a little nervous, but if I just sit and read, maybe go to my coffee house before the meeting, and just stay in the moment - I have peace again. Peace I thought I may have lost forever...
It's Saturday morning and I am in my favorite chair. I keep it in front of the fireplace in the winter. Last night I built a fire and sat in front of it all evening. I watched parts of a movie, read a little, talked on the phone. I had a good night's sleep. I did eat a bunch of food - something I have not been doing. But since I have not had an appetite much lately I thought it might be a good sign. I almost wish for the days when my biggest deal was if I was going to lose those 5-10 pounds.
Anyway, last Saturday I went to an Ala-non meeting. I admitted how crazy I'd been feeling and acting after my son started using drugs again. I got phone numbers and talked to people. That was a good beginning. Even though there were more meltdowns to come, after my second Al anon meeting on Wednesday night, a parent group, I was able to become more peaceful in my resolve to take care of myself, and the rest of the family, and let my son go. On Thursday night he was at our house. I found him smoking something in the garage so I calmly went upstairs and got the bag I had already packed for him and he knew it was time to leave. I told him if he wanted to check into a detox or some other program I would help him do that. He does not want that. So I waited while he made phone calls to find someone to take him in. It was very sad to hear him. It is sad to see how he is. But I have to go on. I have to pick up the pieces and get on with life. He understood. We did not fight. We were both sad. He cannot live without it, I cannot live with it. I also cannot subsidize his life while he chooses to do do that instead of being a part of the family. I surrendered him to the life he has chosen.
Anyway, that's what I did about that. It is not over yet, we still hear from him and its only been a couple of days but I am finding myself feeling more myself. Maybe I will be a little different but I will still be me, and I do have plenty of hope and many things to be grateful for. My daughter is doing very well on her medicines. This situation with my son was hard for her but she has new boyfriend she is excited about (a very nice young man) and she is getting much more involved in school. I couldn't be happier. My grandson is coping better than me. He saw his therapist on Wednesday afternoon when I made an emergency appointment for him. She called me that night out of concern from me and offered to let me see their new intern for free. Grandson works out everyday after school and does training for volleyball and is now getting into boxing with some friends. I think the physical activity is very good for him. We may be a little closer as a result of this whole ordeal.
I showed my kids that I am going to take care of myself and get help. I also showed them that I am not going to let an active drug user live in our home even if we love him very much. I worked hard at my job this week. My employers know about the situation with my Dad and they know my daughter had been having panic attacks, but they don't know about the situation with my son. It is not necessary. They fired the legal secretary Wednesday (that almost put me over the edge) but Thursday morning I was assured that they are mindful of not overloading me. Overall, it was a good week at work and I am feeling caught up and competent.
One random wild and crazy incident happened on Thursday - on my lunch hour I traveled to the rental house (she's moving April 1 - another stress) to get the rent (28 days late) and on the way back after going to her bank, my bank and then for a coffee to celebrate - a car hit me from the side while I was driving in a parking lot. The person who hit me told me she hit a curb or something, and then I asked if she had insurance and she said no - I then said I"d need to turn it in on mine and needed some information. Then she said "I can't afford no police, I don't even have a license" so I said, just a minute I just need a little information for my insurance company. I got to my car and dialed 911 on the cell phone while taking down her license,. She pulled forward and parked while I told the 911 operator where I was, etc. and then while I was still on the phone with 911 she pulled off and drove away. To make a long story short, the police caught up with her on Friday and now they say the car is insured. So, I just passed all the information along to my insurance company. It was an icky incident and I am still leery that the insurance is legitimate, etc. And, that the person they talked to was really the driver of the car. But, if the insurance company pays, and I get my deductibles back, then I will let it all go. There is a pending court date for leaving the scene.
I guess it was Tuesday my Dad went into the nursing home. My Mom is pretty torn up but she is getting some rest and doing things around the house she could not do before. She is also having some time to herself so she can focus on what she needs to do for her. My Mom and I are on some sort of parallel - we both feel devastated and a tremendous loss - but we both know we need to take care of ourselves are are doing that now. There may be many good things about my Dad's new situation. It is very hard to think of him there though. I had wanted to drive down this weekend but the weather is not good down there so I probably will not. Perhaps tomorrow. For today I am going to go to my Al anon meeting and relax.
Thinking of all these things at once gets me a little nervous, but if I just sit and read, maybe go to my coffee house before the meeting, and just stay in the moment - I have peace again. Peace I thought I may have lost forever...
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I need Hope to Hope
I do not know if I can even write this post. I cannot remember when I have felt this bad but I am sure I have. I feel I have lost everything but I know I haven't. A couple of weeks ago I got news that my son won his Supreme Court case which meant he had to be released from prison. But he had gotten in trouble for drugs while in prison, so instead of getting released he was transferred to a county jail. He had been in prison almost 13 years and this was the closest to coming home he'd ever been. I lost my head really, and I put up a very large amount of money for bond. I pretty much took my entire savings and then on top of it paid a lawyer to help him with the pending case. I wanted so much for him to have a chance to come home and be a part of his family. I rushed it. He was out a couple days and got back with some old friends and started using again and basically has not been home since. We hear from him but he mostly slurrs his speech and tells us he loves us. I told him he'd have to stay somewhere else. It broke my heart. It broke his son's heart, it broke his sister's heart. We are all sad. And, I miss my bank account. I miss how I used to feel before this happened. Then, my father became ill Saturday and my son and I went to help my mother. It was the first time he saw his grandpa in years. It was awful, my dad laying in bed unable to move and my mom unable to clean him from being sick. His eyes open just staring off. He had fever and I told my Mom he needed to go to the hospital. The ambulance came and we watched them take him away in the pouring rain. My son road with my Mom and I drove behind them. We sat in the hospital while they did things to him and he struggled with them and cursed. Then we followed another ambulance to another hospital because my Mom was not ready to make the decisions about "do not resuscitate" and the first hospital had no ICU. It was a night of reality and sadness. My son couldn't handle it. His grandpa was like a father to him. Someone came to pick him up around midnight. That was the last time I saw him. My Mom and I slept in hospital chairs. My father was better in the morning but the doctor was mostly concerned about the Alzheimer's. My Mom just can't take care of him at this point because she cannot lift him if he gets too weak or if he falls, or gets sick. More decisions had to be made on Monday. They moved him to a nursing home today. I came home last night and worked today. My sister was with my mother. Tonight will be the first night he spends alone. It breaks my heart. I don't want him to wake up alone. I don't want him to be scared. I don't want all those strangers taking care of him. My heart will never be the same. I have had meltdown upon metldown. My kids are worried about me. I feel terrible. I want to know I can get through all this. But I feel like I never will. I feel lost. I want my father to be home with my mother. I want things the way they were before. I'm so sad and I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I need hope to have hope.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Getting Better
My food portions are down and my choices are good. No junk, no long food affairs in front of the TV this week. So the pounds are coming off but I am just now getting back to where I was so I can start getting back to where I was going.
I want to stop getting side tracked. Speaking of side tracked, the Weed goes to the new gym I joined, every day apparently and I ran into him last week. I have not been back since but that's really not the reason. It was not fitting in with this week's evening schedule and yesterday I had stuff going on. So today I must go. MUST. I thought about paying dues at the other gym for going during the week but was trying not to have two memberships. Daughter still has a membership at old gym so maybe I could pay by the month until hers runs out and we could go together.
I noticed lately that I spend time thinking about stuff and then I don't do it. I have the desire to do things but I don't. I am wondering about the anxiety and depression that runs in my family. I often feel stuck like I just can't do things, or very overwhelmed not knowing which to do first and it seems there are so many that I do none. This is probably some form of anxiety. Not being able to just pick them off one at a time but instead feeling like I need to hide from them all. Just simple tasks and then other bigger projects, too.
Well, I will pick something to do today, off the medium sized list and then make a list of smaller things because I am concerned about this trait lately. My quality of life could be improved if I just did things.
The cold here rages on and I don't mind it a bit. I like putting on warm things. I like boots. I like fires.
More will be revealed. I am going to try and go do something, anything!
I want to stop getting side tracked. Speaking of side tracked, the Weed goes to the new gym I joined, every day apparently and I ran into him last week. I have not been back since but that's really not the reason. It was not fitting in with this week's evening schedule and yesterday I had stuff going on. So today I must go. MUST. I thought about paying dues at the other gym for going during the week but was trying not to have two memberships. Daughter still has a membership at old gym so maybe I could pay by the month until hers runs out and we could go together.
I noticed lately that I spend time thinking about stuff and then I don't do it. I have the desire to do things but I don't. I am wondering about the anxiety and depression that runs in my family. I often feel stuck like I just can't do things, or very overwhelmed not knowing which to do first and it seems there are so many that I do none. This is probably some form of anxiety. Not being able to just pick them off one at a time but instead feeling like I need to hide from them all. Just simple tasks and then other bigger projects, too.
Well, I will pick something to do today, off the medium sized list and then make a list of smaller things because I am concerned about this trait lately. My quality of life could be improved if I just did things.
The cold here rages on and I don't mind it a bit. I like putting on warm things. I like boots. I like fires.
More will be revealed. I am going to try and go do something, anything!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Detox
This weekend I decided to detox from the food and sluggishness of the past couple of weeks. I drank over three liters of water yesterday, special herbal tea, and went to the gym. I kept my calories and carbs and fats to a low. Today less water, but more gym and still low on the calories and carbs. Nothing dramatic but a big improvement. The gym helped my mood. I had been feeling the extra body fat I put on in the past month. It's weird, the pounds went up and down and then at the last minute they stayed up and I could really see them this time. So I don't know what I was gaining before but this time I gained some real live, very obvious body fat.
So off it goes and I also want off this cycle losing and gaining the same pounds. Yes, it is better than the Big Weight of years ago but it is not good enough anymore. I feel it more and I am tired of it. It is a quality of life issue. Plus, it really feels good to go to the gym. And I don't like seeing lumpy places in my clothes. I did not realize how good of shape I actually was in until I started to lose it.... and I want it back. It is in very close reach so there is nothing to hold me back. Except me of course.
A big part of weight loss and behavior change is being my own buddy. Working on my side and not against myself. Forgiving myself, making peace for any harms done, and moving on. I am my pal. I do nice things for me. I stick up for myself. I steer myself away from crummy choices and remind myself of how good it feels to benefit from the good choices. I am kind to myself when I make a mistake and I encourage myself. I need a good foundation with myself to make things work.
Anyway, that's the deal. I'd like a workout buddy to meet me at the gym but for now I will have to be the best buddy I can be.
More will be revealed.
So off it goes and I also want off this cycle losing and gaining the same pounds. Yes, it is better than the Big Weight of years ago but it is not good enough anymore. I feel it more and I am tired of it. It is a quality of life issue. Plus, it really feels good to go to the gym. And I don't like seeing lumpy places in my clothes. I did not realize how good of shape I actually was in until I started to lose it.... and I want it back. It is in very close reach so there is nothing to hold me back. Except me of course.
A big part of weight loss and behavior change is being my own buddy. Working on my side and not against myself. Forgiving myself, making peace for any harms done, and moving on. I am my pal. I do nice things for me. I stick up for myself. I steer myself away from crummy choices and remind myself of how good it feels to benefit from the good choices. I am kind to myself when I make a mistake and I encourage myself. I need a good foundation with myself to make things work.
Anyway, that's the deal. I'd like a workout buddy to meet me at the gym but for now I will have to be the best buddy I can be.
More will be revealed.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Post Christmas Recovery
This week has been fairly quiet. I have been back to normal foods. I like getting back to normal food. I look forward to it and miss it when I don't have it. I like that. Not that I am losing weight or anything but my Christmas gain was just a couple pounds that came right back off. I did not go into Christmas with any pounds to spare, though, so I still need to lose some more. I don't like that tight feeling, etc.
So, Christmas was somewhat of an endurance test. I decided to take brother with us to see Mom and Dad. Brother can be tedious to be around and the two hour car trip can be nerve racking after a while with the constant chatter and intensity of his conversations. This year the weather was a little bad, there were ice patches, a bit of snow, and strong winds. I was nervous. I told him I was going to listen to Christmas music and not talk much so I could relax for driving. He was excited about the bad weather which I found a bit annoying because he was not the one who had to drive. Anyway, we hit a standstill because of an accident and to make a long long story short, we sat, crept, and inched in traffic for a little over two hours, and then still had two more hours or so ahead to drive in the wind and slick patches. I was determined to see my Mom because she had sounded really down when I talked to her in the morning. So I was steadfast behind the wheel.
I felt like a champion when we arrived having endured the long trip without being a crab. I credit my pleasant state of mind to the infinite supply of Christmas music on the radio. I love Christmas music, so I sang along, danced in my seat, and tuned into a variety of music. All went well during the visit. Dad liked the soft cookies I had baked special for him. We all sat around the table together, had dinner and passed around presents. Dad napped for a while and we visited with Mom. I am so glad we did not give up because of weather or traffic. It lifted my mother's spirits to have us there. We left her with cash and gifts and a clean sink.
The trip back was easy. And it was great to get home. I am glad we brought my brother but it was nice to drop him off, too (sort of like grand kids?). We were glad he did not spend the holiday alone. We also had taken him looking at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve with us. We were focused on being charitable this year, so I explained to the kids that we were being charitable with our time and our holiday by including him even though at times he is hard to be around. We enjoyed lots of good times at home over the holiday weekend but I was left feeling a little worn out.
So I have been recuperating from the rush of the holiday, the not normal foods, the busy and intense week I had last week at work, and from the stresses of getting the right medical care for my daughter. I am happy to say that we have found a good psychiatrist. She also loves her therapist and so do I. It is relief to feel she is in good hands. Now I can focus a little more on taking care of me. I have been reading health and fitness magazines. I love doing that. I submerge myself in information. I have been focused on getting back into the right foods for me and limiting portions. I have felt tired, though, and a bit like I am coming down with a cold so exercise has not been too hot.
I want to sleep for New Year's and do absolutely nothing. I want to go to the gym and have my steam/swim tomorrow and then lounge around and read fitness magazines and sleep. I'd like to take a chilly bike ride on the trail sometime this weekend. I miss my bike rides. I think I need some time to do whatever I feel like doing.
More will be revealed.
So, Christmas was somewhat of an endurance test. I decided to take brother with us to see Mom and Dad. Brother can be tedious to be around and the two hour car trip can be nerve racking after a while with the constant chatter and intensity of his conversations. This year the weather was a little bad, there were ice patches, a bit of snow, and strong winds. I was nervous. I told him I was going to listen to Christmas music and not talk much so I could relax for driving. He was excited about the bad weather which I found a bit annoying because he was not the one who had to drive. Anyway, we hit a standstill because of an accident and to make a long long story short, we sat, crept, and inched in traffic for a little over two hours, and then still had two more hours or so ahead to drive in the wind and slick patches. I was determined to see my Mom because she had sounded really down when I talked to her in the morning. So I was steadfast behind the wheel.
I felt like a champion when we arrived having endured the long trip without being a crab. I credit my pleasant state of mind to the infinite supply of Christmas music on the radio. I love Christmas music, so I sang along, danced in my seat, and tuned into a variety of music. All went well during the visit. Dad liked the soft cookies I had baked special for him. We all sat around the table together, had dinner and passed around presents. Dad napped for a while and we visited with Mom. I am so glad we did not give up because of weather or traffic. It lifted my mother's spirits to have us there. We left her with cash and gifts and a clean sink.
The trip back was easy. And it was great to get home. I am glad we brought my brother but it was nice to drop him off, too (sort of like grand kids?). We were glad he did not spend the holiday alone. We also had taken him looking at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve with us. We were focused on being charitable this year, so I explained to the kids that we were being charitable with our time and our holiday by including him even though at times he is hard to be around. We enjoyed lots of good times at home over the holiday weekend but I was left feeling a little worn out.
So I have been recuperating from the rush of the holiday, the not normal foods, the busy and intense week I had last week at work, and from the stresses of getting the right medical care for my daughter. I am happy to say that we have found a good psychiatrist. She also loves her therapist and so do I. It is relief to feel she is in good hands. Now I can focus a little more on taking care of me. I have been reading health and fitness magazines. I love doing that. I submerge myself in information. I have been focused on getting back into the right foods for me and limiting portions. I have felt tired, though, and a bit like I am coming down with a cold so exercise has not been too hot.
I want to sleep for New Year's and do absolutely nothing. I want to go to the gym and have my steam/swim tomorrow and then lounge around and read fitness magazines and sleep. I'd like to take a chilly bike ride on the trail sometime this weekend. I miss my bike rides. I think I need some time to do whatever I feel like doing.
More will be revealed.
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