It's a rainy Saturday afternoon. I am sitting in the coffee house on the riverfront. When I was in the hospital I could see the corner this coffee house sits on, and I could see the river. It was a weird feeling. I belonged out here I concluded and not in there. It is nice to be out here. I am feeling better slowly. The medicine I took first started to have negative effects. We tried another and it was worse. Last weekend I could barely leave my room. I remembered that feeling from what I refer to now as the anti-depressant years. They were the years I gained the fifty pounds. They were confusing years.
When I left psychiatric medicine in 2005 I took up an aggressive exercise regimen. Then I lost weight slowly and steadily. I felt excited about that and had something to focus on and look forward to. I started blogging in the summer of 2006. I went through menopause. I went through some other things. I had happy times and not so happy times. I had dark thoughts now and then. I kept trudging along. Victories and losses. More victories, though.
This past year I have had to face some of the things I feared the most. And in the last few months especially I have been overwhelmed with many painful memories and events. I reached a point where I did not believe I could deal with it all. And in reality I can't. Not alone, that is. I had drifted from my support network last summer. It was slow and hard to notice because I was so focused on the impending job loss. But I drifted. Then more stuff happened and I was caught off guard. Not at all prepared, if there is a way to prepare. So eventually I had to admit a sort of defeat. A surrender deeper than any other in my lifetime.
I feel like I am starting over. I feel fragile and vulnerable but getting a tiny bit stronger every day. I cut back my coffee intake. I savor a few sips here and there and have also learned to appreciate decaf. It helps level my mood. No high highs and no low lows. I have been to the gym a couple of times this week. I felt tired and weak but getting better. I was really sick on top of the depression so I rested most evenings the first week home. The medicine was hard on me and it has taken almost a week to get to where I feel normal again. What I want now is calm more than anything.
I am now feeling like getting out of bed in the morning. And I am calling friends more and being honest. I have a wonderful Saturday morning group to go to. It is a lifesaver. I don't want to slip away again and hide out. It is somewhat deadly for me.
My weight has been stable through this. Funny that a couple of days ago when I started to feel better my appetite increased and I had a bit of a carb surge. I am not worried because I am level today and not feeling like overindulging in anything. And I don't beat myself up about having a little too much the last two days. I can correct that easily. I don't feel out of control. I am very grateful for my weight loss and maintenance.
Speaking of gratitude, the other day when I was feeling like I was starting over all over gain in life, I made a list of assets. I found that I have many more assets today than I had some 21 years ago when I was starting a new life recovering from alcohol and drug abuse. Now I am recovering from depression. It is an illness that sometimes tells me I don't have an illness. It centers in my mind. I have to watch out for certain signs and triggers. I am beginning to understand myself better now. I am learning how to take care of myself with regards to my mental health. The mental and the physical are intertwined.
I found a new therapist for my daughter. One who has a treatment plan with a protocol. One who explained everything to us in a way we could understand. I don't feel alone anymore trying to deal with those issues. I feel we have a solution and we have hope. I took my daughter to the hospital a few days after I came home. The medicine they had her on was impairing her and it was a danger to her. I felt strong enough having dealt with my own stuff to confront what was happening with her.
I take my son to court on Tuesday for what is supposed to be that last time. He has choices, probation or prison time. He can make the choice himself. The matter will be settled and I will get what is left of the bond money back. There are lawyer fees and court costs but I will get something and I will have more cushion. My grandson is doing great. He made the spring volleyball team and is playing his first sport for the school. He says I can go to a game when he gets more confident. Funny when they are little if you don't go they get upset and when they are older they don't want you there!
The tenant moves out of the house next week and I will be paying for two homes, but I can handle that at first. I have felt some excitement about getting my house back just in time to see all the trees I had planted there bloom. Just in time to pant flowers and make it look pretty. I am not sure what I am going to do with it but I will do something. I need get it cleaned up and see what I am working with first. I offered it to my mom so she and my dad could move up here since she is thinking of taking him out of the nursing home (may not be able to pay for it and can't stand to see how he lives there) but she is not sure of what she is doing. My son wants to live there with her and help care for Dad but he has his own set of issues. He can stay there while it is empty and help paint and fix it up perhaps. I have options.
All these things could keep a person up at night but I have to let go of the uncertainty. There is uncertainty in life all the time. Yes, more for me right now but there are also stabilizing factors in my life, too. I need to focus more on them. For now I am going to enjoy the rain, the warm drink and the afternoon sitting here catching up on blogs. I know this was a long post but I needed to catch up with myself and put some things in writing.
I miss blogging. It is one of the stabilizing factors in my life. I appreciate everybody who comments and reads. It gives me that feeling of being connected.
More will be revealed.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Mom Interrupted
A funny thing happened on the way to work Wednesday. I took a detour via the emergency room and ended up admitted. I had been sick on top of sick and sick in my thinking as well. I just couldn't go on anymore. Tuesday was a day I could not get out of bed. It was a day in the depths of despair and I had been to two doctors the day before. I was supposed to get lab work and I was on an antibiotic. But one of the meds was for anxiety and apparently I am not as anxious as I am depressed because it had a very negative impact. The doctor who prescribed it never returned my call for help. So I went somewhere to get all my medical needs taken care of. It was the most drastic action I have ever taken on my own behalf and I am very happy today that I was able to make such a decision, and be painfully honest with the staff at the hospital.
I also learned to let things go. Completely. I surrendered myself to the care of the hospital. I was there two full days, two full nights and about three quarters of Friday. My brother picked up my car and took care of my kids. My friend came and got my gym clothes out of the car for me since they took my other clothes away (didn't meet criteria for the unit I was in). My brother took my daughter to the doctor, brought pizza home each night and was happy to do it. I had a view from the hospital windows of my riverfront. It was bittersweet but a reminder of the pleasures in my life.
I saw three doctors and I liked them all very much. I was tested for many things and I learned a few things, too. I have accepted fully that depression is an illness that can be treated with medicine and that sometimes we need to be open minded about treatments when we are sick. I won't detail my medical stuff but we have a plan. I agree with the plan and I am feeling better. I do not ever want to sink so low into hopeless thinking again. I want to set a higher standard for my mental health and seek help long before I feel like I have been feeling.
Anyway I am taking one of the few anti depressants that does not cause weight gain and I really hope I can tolerate it. I felt better immediately which happens in some cases but the full impact takes some time. So I am adjusting to it and paying close attention to how I feel. I find that my mind moves slow enough now for me to focus more on things and to think more before I act. I find that I am stepping back long enough from my feelings to talk to myself about what is going on in the moment so I do not react immediately. I can calm myself. I happened upon an anger management session in the hospital and I found it very useful to deal with emotions. I used to feel like my emotions controlled me. Now I know that I have options.
It is just the beginning and I feel a little scared because I really want this to work. I have the same situations in my life that I had before I went to the hospital but I can deal with them better now. It is not easy but it is easier.
So, more will be revealed!!
I also learned to let things go. Completely. I surrendered myself to the care of the hospital. I was there two full days, two full nights and about three quarters of Friday. My brother picked up my car and took care of my kids. My friend came and got my gym clothes out of the car for me since they took my other clothes away (didn't meet criteria for the unit I was in). My brother took my daughter to the doctor, brought pizza home each night and was happy to do it. I had a view from the hospital windows of my riverfront. It was bittersweet but a reminder of the pleasures in my life.
I saw three doctors and I liked them all very much. I was tested for many things and I learned a few things, too. I have accepted fully that depression is an illness that can be treated with medicine and that sometimes we need to be open minded about treatments when we are sick. I won't detail my medical stuff but we have a plan. I agree with the plan and I am feeling better. I do not ever want to sink so low into hopeless thinking again. I want to set a higher standard for my mental health and seek help long before I feel like I have been feeling.
Anyway I am taking one of the few anti depressants that does not cause weight gain and I really hope I can tolerate it. I felt better immediately which happens in some cases but the full impact takes some time. So I am adjusting to it and paying close attention to how I feel. I find that my mind moves slow enough now for me to focus more on things and to think more before I act. I find that I am stepping back long enough from my feelings to talk to myself about what is going on in the moment so I do not react immediately. I can calm myself. I happened upon an anger management session in the hospital and I found it very useful to deal with emotions. I used to feel like my emotions controlled me. Now I know that I have options.
It is just the beginning and I feel a little scared because I really want this to work. I have the same situations in my life that I had before I went to the hospital but I can deal with them better now. It is not easy but it is easier.
So, more will be revealed!!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Non Scale Victories and other musings
It has been a while since I posted any non-scale victories. A couple of months ago in the midst of a lot of shopping I bought the wrong size tights - small. I meant to return them but forgot. They were navy and the only navy tights I had. The other day I decided to go ahead and give them a try because I really needed navy in order to wear a particular outfit. They fit really good. All day I had the joy of knowing I was wearing a size small over the biggest parts of my body! Yea, maybe the sizes run big and they stretch well but I tell you what - small in a stocking/tight/legging etc. is a real event for me.
Also - found that the gym I joined has another location about five to ten minutes from work!! Woo hoo! Lunch workouts again! And I didn't even know it when I joined!! Evenings have just not lent themselves to going to the gym but I can sneak away on occasion from the office and then just stay a little later that day. I am elated at the thought.
I am much more calm at home these days because I meddle less in other people's business. Both my teenagers have recently shown strong talents in art. I look for the good things in people and my life and focus more on that. There is always something. My sister visited with her family yesterday and my grown son spent the night before with us. In the morning while I was at my meeting he cleaned the whole downstairs. It was so wonderful just to be able to come home and not rush around and clean, etc. I was so happy. We had some quality family time. I love having people to my home when it is tidy. It is roomy and there are lots of places to sit and socialize. I liken it to a coffee house. In fact, that's the atmosphere I wanted and I believe I have achieved it.
I spent some time with my high school art teacher last night because that's where my sister stays when they visit. She took me down to her studio and we talked about a project I have been wanting to do for a long time. It was great. I am going to make it a point to see her more. She is a real joy. He husband taught social studies/government. I had them both as teachers in high school. It is always a pleasure to see them again. Usually it is just when my sister comes but I realize now that I don't have to wait for her to come, I can have a relationship with them myself.
Happiness for me involves accepting things as they are but searching out the good, and finding ways to improve, being open to change, looking for what makes me calm, happy etc. and doing it. Staying grateful. Grieving the losses and appreciating the joys.
Also - found that the gym I joined has another location about five to ten minutes from work!! Woo hoo! Lunch workouts again! And I didn't even know it when I joined!! Evenings have just not lent themselves to going to the gym but I can sneak away on occasion from the office and then just stay a little later that day. I am elated at the thought.
I am much more calm at home these days because I meddle less in other people's business. Both my teenagers have recently shown strong talents in art. I look for the good things in people and my life and focus more on that. There is always something. My sister visited with her family yesterday and my grown son spent the night before with us. In the morning while I was at my meeting he cleaned the whole downstairs. It was so wonderful just to be able to come home and not rush around and clean, etc. I was so happy. We had some quality family time. I love having people to my home when it is tidy. It is roomy and there are lots of places to sit and socialize. I liken it to a coffee house. In fact, that's the atmosphere I wanted and I believe I have achieved it.
I spent some time with my high school art teacher last night because that's where my sister stays when they visit. She took me down to her studio and we talked about a project I have been wanting to do for a long time. It was great. I am going to make it a point to see her more. She is a real joy. He husband taught social studies/government. I had them both as teachers in high school. It is always a pleasure to see them again. Usually it is just when my sister comes but I realize now that I don't have to wait for her to come, I can have a relationship with them myself.
Happiness for me involves accepting things as they are but searching out the good, and finding ways to improve, being open to change, looking for what makes me calm, happy etc. and doing it. Staying grateful. Grieving the losses and appreciating the joys.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Moment of Gratitude
I went to the gym three times in the past week, a record for me lately. I am maintaining my initial five to six pound loss.
Weeks seem like months lately. So many things crammed into them. My son and I had a trip Tuesday to the small town courthouse for his first bond appearance. I considered it quality time spent together. Looking past the initial chaos that ensued shortly after I brought him home I can see many beautiful things. First of all, to have a loved one in maximum security prison for almost 13 years takes a toll on a person. Especially your own child. It is hard to articulate. We dream of the day we can do simple things together, cook a meal, go for a drive, sit on the couch and watch a movie. Hug, touch, love, speak freely, have all the time we need. Give to each other. I had given up on some of those dreams over the years. Leaving a person behind in a prison is hard. The desire to set them free is so great that it is painful to even think about sometimes.
So, I realized some of those dreams, many of them in the past month. As I stood outside the heavy metal l door waiting I could hear my son talking to the guards while they got him ready to leave. He did not know I was coming and that he was going to be able to come home. I paced and worried something would go wrong at the last minute. But the door eventually popped open and out he came. I will never forget the sound of the popping of that lock. I have heard those locks so many times as we moved through the passages of prisons, feeling like prisoners ourselves, in order to spend a couple of hours with our loved one. I think we were both in shock but it seemed so natural, driving together to long drive home. I kept taking wrong turns and getting lost even though I knew the way. He used my phone to call family and friends. I remember him telling a good friend he was riding in a car, drinking a milkshake, talking on a cellular phone. Simple things we take for granted.
I got to take him shopping and buy him clothes. I got to bring him upstairs and knock on his son's door and surprise him with his father no longer behind the walls of a prison, or the glass of a visiting room window. I got to cook a big dinner that we all sat down together and ate. We had coffee together in front of the fire in the mornings on the weekends while the kids were still asleep. I don't want to forget these things and take them for granted. I never thought we would be able to do these things together.
Yes, there was the period when his addiction flared which I did not think we would survive, but we did. And things have calmed again and we all have help and support. I am learning to let go. Learning that as much as I love a person I cannot control their destiny, protect them from themselves, or manage their life and activities. I can still love them, and I can take care of myself. I work hard to learn how to do this until it comes naturally. I never have to go through anything alone.
I have gotten to know my son better. I have seen him loving and affectionate and patient. Even in the rough weeks he was always loving to us. He never lost his temper with me even though I was very confrontational, angry and verbally out of line. It made me look at myself harder and it made me want to be a better person. I still have not had the luxury of time to reflect on things like I used to but I have moments to take like now to see how there are good things happening. Life is not a fairy tale but it can have happy moments, and if we choose to look for them, to recognize them, appreciate them and cherish them, we can endure the hardship with more dignity and faith.
I did not know what I was going to write about today but I wanted to post. I feel like I have been through a tornado but the rebuilding of my life in the aftermath will reveal an even better life beyond my wildest dreams.
Yesterday I celebrated 21 years without drugs or alcohol. I was an addict and alcoholic from the age of 15 to 30. It's been a long journey but I am grateful today that I have chosen to stick with it. I understand many things and I have compassion for others because of my experiences. I try to use my experience to help other people whenever possible.
More will be revealed.
Weeks seem like months lately. So many things crammed into them. My son and I had a trip Tuesday to the small town courthouse for his first bond appearance. I considered it quality time spent together. Looking past the initial chaos that ensued shortly after I brought him home I can see many beautiful things. First of all, to have a loved one in maximum security prison for almost 13 years takes a toll on a person. Especially your own child. It is hard to articulate. We dream of the day we can do simple things together, cook a meal, go for a drive, sit on the couch and watch a movie. Hug, touch, love, speak freely, have all the time we need. Give to each other. I had given up on some of those dreams over the years. Leaving a person behind in a prison is hard. The desire to set them free is so great that it is painful to even think about sometimes.
So, I realized some of those dreams, many of them in the past month. As I stood outside the heavy metal l door waiting I could hear my son talking to the guards while they got him ready to leave. He did not know I was coming and that he was going to be able to come home. I paced and worried something would go wrong at the last minute. But the door eventually popped open and out he came. I will never forget the sound of the popping of that lock. I have heard those locks so many times as we moved through the passages of prisons, feeling like prisoners ourselves, in order to spend a couple of hours with our loved one. I think we were both in shock but it seemed so natural, driving together to long drive home. I kept taking wrong turns and getting lost even though I knew the way. He used my phone to call family and friends. I remember him telling a good friend he was riding in a car, drinking a milkshake, talking on a cellular phone. Simple things we take for granted.
I got to take him shopping and buy him clothes. I got to bring him upstairs and knock on his son's door and surprise him with his father no longer behind the walls of a prison, or the glass of a visiting room window. I got to cook a big dinner that we all sat down together and ate. We had coffee together in front of the fire in the mornings on the weekends while the kids were still asleep. I don't want to forget these things and take them for granted. I never thought we would be able to do these things together.
Yes, there was the period when his addiction flared which I did not think we would survive, but we did. And things have calmed again and we all have help and support. I am learning to let go. Learning that as much as I love a person I cannot control their destiny, protect them from themselves, or manage their life and activities. I can still love them, and I can take care of myself. I work hard to learn how to do this until it comes naturally. I never have to go through anything alone.
I have gotten to know my son better. I have seen him loving and affectionate and patient. Even in the rough weeks he was always loving to us. He never lost his temper with me even though I was very confrontational, angry and verbally out of line. It made me look at myself harder and it made me want to be a better person. I still have not had the luxury of time to reflect on things like I used to but I have moments to take like now to see how there are good things happening. Life is not a fairy tale but it can have happy moments, and if we choose to look for them, to recognize them, appreciate them and cherish them, we can endure the hardship with more dignity and faith.
I did not know what I was going to write about today but I wanted to post. I feel like I have been through a tornado but the rebuilding of my life in the aftermath will reveal an even better life beyond my wildest dreams.
Yesterday I celebrated 21 years without drugs or alcohol. I was an addict and alcoholic from the age of 15 to 30. It's been a long journey but I am grateful today that I have chosen to stick with it. I understand many things and I have compassion for others because of my experiences. I try to use my experience to help other people whenever possible.
More will be revealed.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Saturday Morning Peace
Thanks for all of your kind and supportive words, it means so much to me to know I have so many people caring even though we have never met each other in person. I read Animal's comment right after I'd made a cup of hot tea, and when I saw what she said about having a cup of tea with me, it gave me a feeling that there really is something more, something greater going on in our lives than just the day to day events..
It's Saturday morning and I am in my favorite chair. I keep it in front of the fireplace in the winter. Last night I built a fire and sat in front of it all evening. I watched parts of a movie, read a little, talked on the phone. I had a good night's sleep. I did eat a bunch of food - something I have not been doing. But since I have not had an appetite much lately I thought it might be a good sign. I almost wish for the days when my biggest deal was if I was going to lose those 5-10 pounds.
Anyway, last Saturday I went to an Ala-non meeting. I admitted how crazy I'd been feeling and acting after my son started using drugs again. I got phone numbers and talked to people. That was a good beginning. Even though there were more meltdowns to come, after my second Al anon meeting on Wednesday night, a parent group, I was able to become more peaceful in my resolve to take care of myself, and the rest of the family, and let my son go. On Thursday night he was at our house. I found him smoking something in the garage so I calmly went upstairs and got the bag I had already packed for him and he knew it was time to leave. I told him if he wanted to check into a detox or some other program I would help him do that. He does not want that. So I waited while he made phone calls to find someone to take him in. It was very sad to hear him. It is sad to see how he is. But I have to go on. I have to pick up the pieces and get on with life. He understood. We did not fight. We were both sad. He cannot live without it, I cannot live with it. I also cannot subsidize his life while he chooses to do do that instead of being a part of the family. I surrendered him to the life he has chosen.
Anyway, that's what I did about that. It is not over yet, we still hear from him and its only been a couple of days but I am finding myself feeling more myself. Maybe I will be a little different but I will still be me, and I do have plenty of hope and many things to be grateful for. My daughter is doing very well on her medicines. This situation with my son was hard for her but she has new boyfriend she is excited about (a very nice young man) and she is getting much more involved in school. I couldn't be happier. My grandson is coping better than me. He saw his therapist on Wednesday afternoon when I made an emergency appointment for him. She called me that night out of concern from me and offered to let me see their new intern for free. Grandson works out everyday after school and does training for volleyball and is now getting into boxing with some friends. I think the physical activity is very good for him. We may be a little closer as a result of this whole ordeal.
I showed my kids that I am going to take care of myself and get help. I also showed them that I am not going to let an active drug user live in our home even if we love him very much. I worked hard at my job this week. My employers know about the situation with my Dad and they know my daughter had been having panic attacks, but they don't know about the situation with my son. It is not necessary. They fired the legal secretary Wednesday (that almost put me over the edge) but Thursday morning I was assured that they are mindful of not overloading me. Overall, it was a good week at work and I am feeling caught up and competent.
One random wild and crazy incident happened on Thursday - on my lunch hour I traveled to the rental house (she's moving April 1 - another stress) to get the rent (28 days late) and on the way back after going to her bank, my bank and then for a coffee to celebrate - a car hit me from the side while I was driving in a parking lot. The person who hit me told me she hit a curb or something, and then I asked if she had insurance and she said no - I then said I"d need to turn it in on mine and needed some information. Then she said "I can't afford no police, I don't even have a license" so I said, just a minute I just need a little information for my insurance company. I got to my car and dialed 911 on the cell phone while taking down her license,. She pulled forward and parked while I told the 911 operator where I was, etc. and then while I was still on the phone with 911 she pulled off and drove away. To make a long story short, the police caught up with her on Friday and now they say the car is insured. So, I just passed all the information along to my insurance company. It was an icky incident and I am still leery that the insurance is legitimate, etc. And, that the person they talked to was really the driver of the car. But, if the insurance company pays, and I get my deductibles back, then I will let it all go. There is a pending court date for leaving the scene.
I guess it was Tuesday my Dad went into the nursing home. My Mom is pretty torn up but she is getting some rest and doing things around the house she could not do before. She is also having some time to herself so she can focus on what she needs to do for her. My Mom and I are on some sort of parallel - we both feel devastated and a tremendous loss - but we both know we need to take care of ourselves are are doing that now. There may be many good things about my Dad's new situation. It is very hard to think of him there though. I had wanted to drive down this weekend but the weather is not good down there so I probably will not. Perhaps tomorrow. For today I am going to go to my Al anon meeting and relax.
Thinking of all these things at once gets me a little nervous, but if I just sit and read, maybe go to my coffee house before the meeting, and just stay in the moment - I have peace again. Peace I thought I may have lost forever...
It's Saturday morning and I am in my favorite chair. I keep it in front of the fireplace in the winter. Last night I built a fire and sat in front of it all evening. I watched parts of a movie, read a little, talked on the phone. I had a good night's sleep. I did eat a bunch of food - something I have not been doing. But since I have not had an appetite much lately I thought it might be a good sign. I almost wish for the days when my biggest deal was if I was going to lose those 5-10 pounds.
Anyway, last Saturday I went to an Ala-non meeting. I admitted how crazy I'd been feeling and acting after my son started using drugs again. I got phone numbers and talked to people. That was a good beginning. Even though there were more meltdowns to come, after my second Al anon meeting on Wednesday night, a parent group, I was able to become more peaceful in my resolve to take care of myself, and the rest of the family, and let my son go. On Thursday night he was at our house. I found him smoking something in the garage so I calmly went upstairs and got the bag I had already packed for him and he knew it was time to leave. I told him if he wanted to check into a detox or some other program I would help him do that. He does not want that. So I waited while he made phone calls to find someone to take him in. It was very sad to hear him. It is sad to see how he is. But I have to go on. I have to pick up the pieces and get on with life. He understood. We did not fight. We were both sad. He cannot live without it, I cannot live with it. I also cannot subsidize his life while he chooses to do do that instead of being a part of the family. I surrendered him to the life he has chosen.
Anyway, that's what I did about that. It is not over yet, we still hear from him and its only been a couple of days but I am finding myself feeling more myself. Maybe I will be a little different but I will still be me, and I do have plenty of hope and many things to be grateful for. My daughter is doing very well on her medicines. This situation with my son was hard for her but she has new boyfriend she is excited about (a very nice young man) and she is getting much more involved in school. I couldn't be happier. My grandson is coping better than me. He saw his therapist on Wednesday afternoon when I made an emergency appointment for him. She called me that night out of concern from me and offered to let me see their new intern for free. Grandson works out everyday after school and does training for volleyball and is now getting into boxing with some friends. I think the physical activity is very good for him. We may be a little closer as a result of this whole ordeal.
I showed my kids that I am going to take care of myself and get help. I also showed them that I am not going to let an active drug user live in our home even if we love him very much. I worked hard at my job this week. My employers know about the situation with my Dad and they know my daughter had been having panic attacks, but they don't know about the situation with my son. It is not necessary. They fired the legal secretary Wednesday (that almost put me over the edge) but Thursday morning I was assured that they are mindful of not overloading me. Overall, it was a good week at work and I am feeling caught up and competent.
One random wild and crazy incident happened on Thursday - on my lunch hour I traveled to the rental house (she's moving April 1 - another stress) to get the rent (28 days late) and on the way back after going to her bank, my bank and then for a coffee to celebrate - a car hit me from the side while I was driving in a parking lot. The person who hit me told me she hit a curb or something, and then I asked if she had insurance and she said no - I then said I"d need to turn it in on mine and needed some information. Then she said "I can't afford no police, I don't even have a license" so I said, just a minute I just need a little information for my insurance company. I got to my car and dialed 911 on the cell phone while taking down her license,. She pulled forward and parked while I told the 911 operator where I was, etc. and then while I was still on the phone with 911 she pulled off and drove away. To make a long story short, the police caught up with her on Friday and now they say the car is insured. So, I just passed all the information along to my insurance company. It was an icky incident and I am still leery that the insurance is legitimate, etc. And, that the person they talked to was really the driver of the car. But, if the insurance company pays, and I get my deductibles back, then I will let it all go. There is a pending court date for leaving the scene.
I guess it was Tuesday my Dad went into the nursing home. My Mom is pretty torn up but she is getting some rest and doing things around the house she could not do before. She is also having some time to herself so she can focus on what she needs to do for her. My Mom and I are on some sort of parallel - we both feel devastated and a tremendous loss - but we both know we need to take care of ourselves are are doing that now. There may be many good things about my Dad's new situation. It is very hard to think of him there though. I had wanted to drive down this weekend but the weather is not good down there so I probably will not. Perhaps tomorrow. For today I am going to go to my Al anon meeting and relax.
Thinking of all these things at once gets me a little nervous, but if I just sit and read, maybe go to my coffee house before the meeting, and just stay in the moment - I have peace again. Peace I thought I may have lost forever...
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I need Hope to Hope
I do not know if I can even write this post. I cannot remember when I have felt this bad but I am sure I have. I feel I have lost everything but I know I haven't. A couple of weeks ago I got news that my son won his Supreme Court case which meant he had to be released from prison. But he had gotten in trouble for drugs while in prison, so instead of getting released he was transferred to a county jail. He had been in prison almost 13 years and this was the closest to coming home he'd ever been. I lost my head really, and I put up a very large amount of money for bond. I pretty much took my entire savings and then on top of it paid a lawyer to help him with the pending case. I wanted so much for him to have a chance to come home and be a part of his family. I rushed it. He was out a couple days and got back with some old friends and started using again and basically has not been home since. We hear from him but he mostly slurrs his speech and tells us he loves us. I told him he'd have to stay somewhere else. It broke my heart. It broke his son's heart, it broke his sister's heart. We are all sad. And, I miss my bank account. I miss how I used to feel before this happened. Then, my father became ill Saturday and my son and I went to help my mother. It was the first time he saw his grandpa in years. It was awful, my dad laying in bed unable to move and my mom unable to clean him from being sick. His eyes open just staring off. He had fever and I told my Mom he needed to go to the hospital. The ambulance came and we watched them take him away in the pouring rain. My son road with my Mom and I drove behind them. We sat in the hospital while they did things to him and he struggled with them and cursed. Then we followed another ambulance to another hospital because my Mom was not ready to make the decisions about "do not resuscitate" and the first hospital had no ICU. It was a night of reality and sadness. My son couldn't handle it. His grandpa was like a father to him. Someone came to pick him up around midnight. That was the last time I saw him. My Mom and I slept in hospital chairs. My father was better in the morning but the doctor was mostly concerned about the Alzheimer's. My Mom just can't take care of him at this point because she cannot lift him if he gets too weak or if he falls, or gets sick. More decisions had to be made on Monday. They moved him to a nursing home today. I came home last night and worked today. My sister was with my mother. Tonight will be the first night he spends alone. It breaks my heart. I don't want him to wake up alone. I don't want him to be scared. I don't want all those strangers taking care of him. My heart will never be the same. I have had meltdown upon metldown. My kids are worried about me. I feel terrible. I want to know I can get through all this. But I feel like I never will. I feel lost. I want my father to be home with my mother. I want things the way they were before. I'm so sad and I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I need hope to have hope.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Getting Better
My food portions are down and my choices are good. No junk, no long food affairs in front of the TV this week. So the pounds are coming off but I am just now getting back to where I was so I can start getting back to where I was going.
I want to stop getting side tracked. Speaking of side tracked, the Weed goes to the new gym I joined, every day apparently and I ran into him last week. I have not been back since but that's really not the reason. It was not fitting in with this week's evening schedule and yesterday I had stuff going on. So today I must go. MUST. I thought about paying dues at the other gym for going during the week but was trying not to have two memberships. Daughter still has a membership at old gym so maybe I could pay by the month until hers runs out and we could go together.
I noticed lately that I spend time thinking about stuff and then I don't do it. I have the desire to do things but I don't. I am wondering about the anxiety and depression that runs in my family. I often feel stuck like I just can't do things, or very overwhelmed not knowing which to do first and it seems there are so many that I do none. This is probably some form of anxiety. Not being able to just pick them off one at a time but instead feeling like I need to hide from them all. Just simple tasks and then other bigger projects, too.
Well, I will pick something to do today, off the medium sized list and then make a list of smaller things because I am concerned about this trait lately. My quality of life could be improved if I just did things.
The cold here rages on and I don't mind it a bit. I like putting on warm things. I like boots. I like fires.
More will be revealed. I am going to try and go do something, anything!
I want to stop getting side tracked. Speaking of side tracked, the Weed goes to the new gym I joined, every day apparently and I ran into him last week. I have not been back since but that's really not the reason. It was not fitting in with this week's evening schedule and yesterday I had stuff going on. So today I must go. MUST. I thought about paying dues at the other gym for going during the week but was trying not to have two memberships. Daughter still has a membership at old gym so maybe I could pay by the month until hers runs out and we could go together.
I noticed lately that I spend time thinking about stuff and then I don't do it. I have the desire to do things but I don't. I am wondering about the anxiety and depression that runs in my family. I often feel stuck like I just can't do things, or very overwhelmed not knowing which to do first and it seems there are so many that I do none. This is probably some form of anxiety. Not being able to just pick them off one at a time but instead feeling like I need to hide from them all. Just simple tasks and then other bigger projects, too.
Well, I will pick something to do today, off the medium sized list and then make a list of smaller things because I am concerned about this trait lately. My quality of life could be improved if I just did things.
The cold here rages on and I don't mind it a bit. I like putting on warm things. I like boots. I like fires.
More will be revealed. I am going to try and go do something, anything!
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