I had a moment yesterday that amazed me. I was at a baby shower and they played this game - baby shower games get more bizarre all the time. We had to determine what kind of candy bar was melted and mushed into baby diapers. I won. The stumper was the kit kat bar. I knew it immediately. I'd consumed an entire bag of mini kit kats shortly before my trip last week. When I raised my hand as knowing the kit kat they were all surprised. I said it was easy because I had eaten an entire bag recently. They all looked surprised - probably not because I ate them but because I admitted I ate them. And then a lady behind me said "and look how little she is" - - that blew me away. I have never been referred to as little, I don't consider myself little. But the fact that I joyously admitted to eating an entire bag of kit kats, in public, around women I don't even know, coupled with someone referring to me as little is kind of a surreal experience for me. Who am I now? A small, brazen, kit kat eating person?
I don't know. But it felt nice to be ok with myself enough to admit to my eating the bag of candy. I said it was the Halloween candy and the lady next to me said I could just turn my porch light off. It was great. Eating a bag of candy in the past would be a crisis and a self loathing moment. I am not advocating eating large amounts of candy. What this is about is that I got over it. I am not happy to eat all that junk, but if it happens I am still ok with myself. I ate better the rest of the week. My trip week involved about a two pound gain which may be more attributed to pre trip stress eating (a.k.a. kit kats) and a little of the trip itself. I did push ups and abs in my room each morning and opted for healthy choices of foods. I had a good trip but I am very very happy to be home.
Had to share my surreal moment, even at the risk of blogging at work. I don't like to talk to much about eating the bad stuff, but it's the relationship with myself that has improved so much. I don't do those kinds of things often anymore. And I am not happy about doing it, but I can move on, and be more neutral with myself. Treat myself like a would a friend or any other person. Non judging, and supportive. And sometimes we just need to laugh at ourselves. I won a very pretty votive candle holder for being such an expert on the kit kat.