Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Happily Pulled Back Together

I feel much better today. My meltdown did not spill over into any more days. I am in good spirits. I even feel good about not getting that job I interviewed for Monday. I got an e-mail from them when I returned from my lunch with Laura. It was totally cool to meet Laura for lunch!!! The first blogging friend I have met in person!! Right here in my neck of the woods.. It is amazing to have made friends all over the country. Real people... very supportive people. I need you guys! It makes me want to go to the Blogher conference.

After Sunday's mini meltdown I have been pondering a few things. For one, I don't want to change jobs yet. At least not until the kids are out of school. For another, I really want that severance pay and perhaps a even a month off. I feel like I have been trying to do too much again. Maybe just in my head, thinking I NEED to do too much RIGHT NOW. I want to take some time and get all peaceful again. I have not been too peaceful. Since they cut off our overtime, I can happily leave the office at the end of the day knowing that I CAN'T stay late no matter how much work there is. That is a plus to the quality of my life. I need to be out walking, bike riding, teaching my daughter how to drive, going to the gym with my grandson and so on..having some fun. Life is too short to work too much.

I know it is risky but I feel like waiting at least until I get my 60 day notice to start looking again. Maybe even 30 days after my 60 days begins. When I was interviewing for this job I felt a lot of pressure. I could visualize being in that highly corporate, very disciplined environment where people don't even have pictures on their office walls (I could not figure that one out but all three offices I sat in had NO pictures, bare walls - maybe it's just because the walls were white or something) and stay late every day. I could visualize being in traffic at 7:30 a.m. stressing whether I'd make it by 8 a.m. sharp. I did not like the feeling very much. I was willing to do it. But in my heart I was feeling like I HAD to, and I was resenting it. Maybe I am just not ready to do it. Part of me was on board with doing it..but part of me was a tad freaked out about it. I always try and look on the bright side.

Right now I don't want to think about jobs. I just want to do the one I still have, and focus on getting my personal life a little more in order. Like my diet and exercise, my kids, my parents. I kept thinking that if I took another job and something happened with my Dad I would not have the time to take off and go down there. There is an advantage to staying put. A quality of life advantage. There is also a sense of freedom or something in being in a situation that I know is going to go away. Not sure what that is but there's something about it. There's an energizing challenge in the high volume of work we are doing, and a joy in the fact that no matter what I can't work more than a 40 hour week.

Anyway, I am taking a week, maybe more, off of looking, thinking, and even talking about finding a new job. After that I will think about it again. For now I am giving myself a vacation. I did feel a tad rejected about that job. I wanted to be wanted, but I did not know if I wanted them..sort of like with the guys I've dated.. hmmm..maybe I need to look at that.


LG said...

I'm glad you're feeling better.

You know, I like the strategy of holding out for the severance, etc. And, being a cautious person myself, I'd still look around in the job market. You never know. But you don't have to be frantic about it. I can understand the need to feel frantic about it but you're right, you're thinking about too many things and feeling like you need to do more than you can right now.

That's pretty cool that you got to meet Laura...

(It occurred to me that maybe those offices with the white walls weren't ANYONE'S office? Hence the lack of personalization?)

Be good to yourself!

Laura N said...

Hey Cindy, it was so great meeting you in person! It felt like we just picked up a conversation that we had already been having. Love that. I really appreciate you meeting with me, & paying for my parking meter. :) Maybe life will work out & we can all go to Blogher this summer.

You have the right attitude about the job. Take a break for a while, be good to yourself, get your personal house in order, so to speak. The right job will come to you, when you're ready. The job you didn't get was lost to an internal candidate, right? Those are always the hardest to beat. It was probably more of "the internal person isn't bad enough NOT to hire" rather than you not being good enough TO hire. Know what I mean?

I hope this is a time of renewal for you & your family. Easter has a way of making everything feel reborn.

Helen said...

The most important thing in this post to me is to remember that there is more to life than work. I used to work overtime...I don't anymore unless there is a REAL emergency (and I've been this way for over 15 years). I figure I paid my dues in my 20s and early 30s and made it a point when I came to this job that I have a life. Luckily most of the partners here feel the same. Time for yourself is SO precious... :-)

Bea said...

I was laid off once and fired once. Both times I jumped into jobs I knew I did not want because I was terrified of being without employment. BIG MISTAKES, with long term consequences.

Get quiet, listen to the "Still Small Voice" and then move forward. The getting still may not happen as quickly as you would like, but don't cave in to the pressure of fear. You have been given the opportunity, with God's help, to craft a whole new life. A life without the corporate suit and bare walls. Phooey, you have had a close shave there girl. You might have got that job.

Take care of yourself and your kids by enjoying some time off. Amen and amen.