Monday, April 6, 2009

Secretly Falling Apart

Yesterday I had a silent meltdown, well not entirely silent. It started with Grandson. We had a little deal the night before about him not checking in and running around the neighborhood until 9, basically gone all day and going about 6 hours without calling. He had his phone but the battery died. Some of this is just a training issue. He is not used to having such an active social life. He gets distracted and forgets. So I was not real hard on him but I gave him a small consequence, and grounded him for the rest of the night and for the remainder of the weekend, with an exception that a couple boys could come over and work on the bike the next day for a little while.

So the next morning I wanted him to do his chores. He kept forgetting, stopping etc. to text on the phone I presumed and to go up on his computer to check e mails. I had a simple solution. Give me the phone until the chores are finished. I asked for the phone. He refused to hand it over. This went on for more than I was comfortable with. It was the first time he flat refused to comply with something. I finally told him that I'd just get the line shut off and then he handed it over. I was not ready for a battle with him. I was very upset. I let him know that I expected way more respect than that. We had gotten in a discussion about seeing his mother the night before and that did not go so hot either. I had a lecture to give and it did not go over so hot. I was resentful and I could have handled it better but I did not do so bad either. He was way out of line and I am not going to permit it.

For a while I stayed ticked off and that fueled some carpet cleaning downstairs that I have been wanting to do. Then I got really depressed. Go lay in bed and do absolutely nothing depressed. Eat four pop tarts and lay in bed even more depressed. That was the bulk of the remainder of my day. Until calling for pizza because I could not leave the house and grocery shop and we had no food to make for dinner. I tried shutting myself off from the pizza but ended up having some of that. Pizza and pop tarts. Made for a nice hefty bloated weight gain this morning. I did manage to get it together in the late evening and read up on some information related to the project that the company I am interviewing is working on. I went to bed early and slept off the day. Grandson apologized later in the evening. We made up before bedtime after not speaking much to each other all day.

So I was again very prepared and put together (but for the snuggish feeling of the belly hanging over my clothes) for my second interview. I met with the boss of the woman I met with last week. He talked to me for over an hour. It was a good meeting. I noticed a paper identifying an internal candidate, though, on the desk of the hiring manager. I like many things about this opportunity but my heart will not break if I don't get an offer. For one thing the thought of changing jobs right now overwhelms me. I am still not warmed up to the big change. I have moments where I feel it is exciting but then I also have anxiety, sadness and other feelings. Adjustments will involve the kids. Leaving earlier before Grandson gets on the bus has it's risks. He left the bathroom door open and the dog locked himself in the bathroom for the day - a bizarre thing he does with some nasty side effects, not to mention the scratching on the door. We can prevent that by kenneling the dog. I know I can work it out if it happens, we will manage.

I think I am dealing with fear, and other feelings I have not identified yet. But I need to identify them because I am starting to eat at them. There is sadness at the passing of my job. It is familiar, it is close to home, it is flexible at times. I know everyone, I know what to expect. I have been there a long time. The unknown, the adjustments, the possibility of no job, all that stuff creeps in my thoughts. I need to journal it, express it, and find a positive way to channel the stress and emotions. I refuse to gain more weight. That will piss me off.

So I am in my room getting ready to get another good night's sleep. I am going back to basics. Planning meals, prepping food, sleeping as much as I can, and taking care of me. I have been doing some of that but then I deviate. I know I was not ready for the Grandson thing, and I know I reacted more than normal perhaps because of the past. But I need to get in touch with that stuff so I can deal with him without taking things personally. He's a teenager. My daughter went through this. I have books. I have other parents to talk to. I just get really scared. I went through so much with my boys. I refuse to go through that again. But this is different. Grandson is doing normal social stuff, football, skateboarding, hanging out. He is doing reasonably well in school. I need to stay in the here and now and not the past and not the what if's of future stuff that is not even happening.

I know this is a long post but I am desperate not to eat to cover, soothe, or suffocate my feelings. I can't do it. I have come too far. Stress is part of life. There are other ways to deal.

Well thanks to anyone who made it to the end of this post. I needed to write it. I hope it makes sense. I can't do this alone. I have been secretly falling apart in my mind. Not so much on the outside, but mostly on the inside. I can't keep it a secret for long. It shows up as body fat!!


Helen said...

Good for you for blogging instead of eating. I am trying to go to bed to sleep lately when I feel snacky at night (if it's not 7 pm!)...I haven't yet figured out how to eat in my sleep... ;-)

Vickie said...
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