Wednesday, November 19, 2008


I am in my hearth area. It is such a warm room even without a fire. The warm colors and the cozy atmosphere are too pleasant to entertain any anxiety this morning. I was anxious earlier when I woke up. My daughter is having her dizzy spells again and feeling very bad. I took her to the doctor but that was somewhat frustrating. I am staying home, yesterday and today. That made me anxious, and I felt frozen on a project because I could not get motivated to do it. Then fear set in. But I have banished those feelings in favor of celebrating my life today just the way it is.

I love this room I will take a photo soon, my daughter is sleeping and she has the USB cable for my camera. I have come a long way. Not just with weight. With my other struggles - with men. The Weed cropped up last week but this time he left on his own. How cool is that??? He saw his own behavior because I did not react. I was detached. I was polite but not very accommodating. He pronounced his own weaknesses and put some closure on things. I did not have to do anything. He cannot hurt me. He has absolutely no power over me. He has problems and I have no desire or feeling of obligation to fix them.

What a nice feeling it is to just be myself and let other people be themselves and to not feel like I have to get involved in things. The admirer guy from a couple of weeks ago is still around on a casual basis. The one I went to the river with. We have had breakfast, coffee, and he came to dinner when I had a few people over. He is interesting to talk to about business type things and other stuff. I have not gotten romantic with him. He is in the possibilities but probably friend category. Sometimes I feel a little warmed up to him but then it cools right back down. It is a safe and comfortable feeling for me to just be able to objectively get to know people. Wow, do normal people do this all their lives and I just now figured it out? ? Better late than never. Men don't wield power over my emotions any more. How'd that happen? Even dreams about my ex don't bother me. I am in a comfortable safe place right now. My self esteem no longer comes from external stuff.

I have a lot of work to do today. I was feeling anxious about working from home, job fears but I decided to let those go, too. They don't do me any good. Seems like people have needed me more lately and I was feeling pressed by all directions but I can go into my own safe little peaceful place and not take on the world's problems. One thing I like about the admirer is he will bring me coffee, and tells me nice things that I know he means. I don't have to be attracted to him like a boyfriend to enjoy his admiration and attention. It is nice for someone to come over and bring coffee, and help build the fire, stay a while and then leave. Boundaries are great.

Food is up and down but not completely out of control. I am at peace with that too. I am grateful my job is still around, and my home is intact, my kids are ok, and I live in a beautiful environment that I put together myself. I believed in it and it is here. I think I will believe in more things and be as positive as I can be. Celebrate everything. Blogging has changed my life. I know it has. It is the missing link for me. I am so grateful for it.

More will be revealed.


Bea said...

And your blogging has changed our lives.

Kudos on the man thing. I too finally got to this place. If men could not add something positive to my life I did not have the time of day for them. And poof, Mark came along. When you feel good in yourself you attract the same. Yeah for you and all your hard work.

I still get caught in other peoples' expectations. So was very interested in your "peaceful place" and how you get there when needed. Write more about that.

Was also interested in the depression after a break from carbs. I think that happens to me too. I just never noticed it. May be one reason I am so loathe to stop the carbs. I hate the crash. Very interesting stuff.

Bea said...

Me again. When I was low carbing I had hot flashes like crazy. And also insomnia and horrible dreams. I keep trying to find a better "plan" than Kay's but it appears perfect for me. If I stick to it I feel great physically. It seems to have the right balance of carbs and protein. I gotta figure out how to make it less boring. Great posts.

Vickie said...
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Helen said...

LOVE your Cozy Spot!!!

And I was like Bea...when I finally was ready, DB came along. But I look at all the other unsatisfying relationships and am grateful because they helped me learn how to be in a REAL relationship and what I want and need in a partner. Without those other men, I would never have been ready for DB!! So yay for your experience with The Weed and yay that he is gone and you are on to better things!