Checking in on Candy day

I had a nice workout last night and I have a plan for this evening to deal with candy. I consider myself vulnerable - it has not been very long since my unfortunate candy eating ended. I have a nice bag of frozen mixed fruit for snacking this evening and hope to turn in early and watch some classic scary movies while sipping my own lemon balm tea made from the leaves of my homegrown herb.

Salad!

I used my own home grown tomatoes and fresh basil in this tuna, tomato and artichoke heart salad. The basil leaves add so much flavor that I do not use any dressing, reducing fat and calories. My blahs are getting better. Had a lovely hike and swim in Sunday and a great session with weights on Saturday. Also making sure to get plenty of sleep and rest.

The blahs

I have been feeling a little down and lacking enthusiasm. I think I was used to carb highs and comfort eating. Now I am out here in reality without a crutch. I did not feel like exercising last week but I did it anyway. I am hanging in there though and believing the blahs will pass. Not quite blue enough to be the blues.

Portioning

I have been cutting in half what I want to eat. After I eat it I wait a little bit to see if I need to eat the rest, or if I am satisfied. I can then either eat the rest, or save for later.

This stretches the food budget and tunes me in to how much I actually need.

I am also eating slower, a huge milestone for me. Since I don't starve myself, I am not famished when it is time to eat, inhaling food in a state of emergency. I am hungry but still have my wits about me.

Showing up

Went to first support group weigh-in last night. Glad I joined. It was small, informative and friendly. The main thing I want right now is some accountability and stability. Showing up at the same place at the same time and having my weight recorded will provide some of that plus its only about four miles away!

Showing up is important to me. Hiding out keeps me on the same old patterns.

Handling situations

I wanted to go to pot luck dinner last night for a support group I attend. I was not interested in eating, mainly wanted to hear the speakers and say hi to people. At first I thought about having a food budget for the event and trying to find foods that fit my needs but quickly ruled that out. Past experience has proven potluck food to be outside my parameters. So here's what I did: I ate before arriving, brought a large bottled water and hot tea, plus one stick of gum. I arrived shortly before the speakers, at the tail end of the eating part. That gave me time for any hellos. I ignored the food tables, they were nonexistent in my experience of the event.

I enjoyed the evening very much. I sipped my water and tea, and took in the event food free. At home afterward I had my planned evening meal and went to bed relaxed, happy and satisfied. This was all very easy.

Tallying successes

This week I had two perfect days and two not so bad days. All days were a huge improvement on the past couple of months. Never have I been so conscious of a gain and how it happened. I joined a non profit weight loss support group and got out of the house on three week nights. I'm looking back on the positives. I have tracked every day without fail even when I had extra food, staying in reality and out of denial. I've lost a couple of pounds but not officially weighing in until Monday.

Afternoon mini-meal

Tuna and tomato salad with black pepper - yum!

Joys of Yogurt

I use plain Greek yogurt for a meal. I choose the highest protein lowest carb version that I can find for the best price.  There is one with only 80 calories.  I also use it for dip and dressing, in place of sour cream.  I layer salsa on it for a dip, etc.  I freeze light, flavored yogurts for a treat.  Usually under 100 calories in a variety of flavors, it is like eating ice cream.  I take it out frozen and let it sit a while so it is easier to eat.  I love it.  It takes longer to eat and I feel satisfied.  Sometimes I mix a high fiber, high protein, low sugar ceral with yogurt. And sometimes I mix a little brown rice. The possibilities are endless.

Less is More

I think better when I eat less.  The carb surges and sluggishness, the rollercoaster blood sugar, all are a distraction and impact my mood. I have less anxiety now, and. more calm. Less guilt and inner conflict, more peace and confidence.

Evening Solution

Soup.  Low sodium, of course. It is comforting, filling, warm, soothing, and satisfying. It is low calorie (the kind I buy/make is!) and healthy. I can make my own. And, I can buy something canned and low sodium, low calorie and healthy, to keep on hand for when I can't make my own, run out, emergencies, etc. and so on. 

"Breakfast"

One thing I have proven to myself is that the earlier I start eating, the more I eat over the course of the day.  If I eat a big breakfast, I find that I want to eat more all day long.  This is probably because I am a compulsive eater, and my appetite has little to do with actual hunger. I don't have to understand it, to work with it, though.  I had a nutrition specialist once advise me to wait until at least 9 a.m. for breakfast.  And to eat smaller amounts, evenly spaced throughout the day. I love breakfast,but needs to be later, and more like a brunch. I start the day with coffee, with a little milk in it, and lots of water, until I am ready to eat. Then I have a small meal with a good amount of protein and low carb/sugar. This may horrify "experts" but for now it is going to stay that way.  My tracking will reveal what works best for me in the morning.

Satisfaction.

Writing down everything I eat, which is much easier when I eat less!  It felt very good at the end of the day yesterday to know exactly where I stood, and that I stuck to my goal for the day.  Satisfying.

thought for the day

this morning I read in the book "Food for Thought: "We should never think of abstinence as punishment. Eating too much food and the wrong kind of food was the real punishment."  Although I don't like "shoulds" I appreciate the reading, and I believe that abstaining from overeating is a lifesaving act of self love. 

Stable Weekend

Plenty of fresh air and exercise, and on track with food. Feel like a turtle but moving forward.

Up and Down

It makes me sad to admit that I have gained nine pounds since I wrote my last post. I hate admitting it.  Probably why I haven't blogged lately.  Things have been up and down and busy. I started eating more when I started working out more.  At first I thought that a little increase in appetite was not going to be so bad, and I believed that it would taper off as I adjusted to the increase in activity. I worked out faithfully but the eating kept increasing and taking on the old pattern of evening eating.  Then I started on sweets, not seeing a huge impact, getting away with a little here and there until it turned into cravings and old stuff. I felt like a drunk getting back on the booze.

It is discouraging but I am not defeated.  I have been here before. It seems like since the big loss I keep ending up at this 10 pound higher weight. I am not going to accept it and give up.  I am glad I stop gaining at this point, but I refuse to accept this as my weight.  I want that last 10 (which is now 20) pound loss. 

So I am detoxing. Sugars don't work well for me. They hurt me. Greens and leans help me.  Water helps me. Herbal tea. 

My personal life had been off, too.  Grandson moved out in the Summer, came back right before school started. We had a plan.  We worked out together, I drove him to the old school every day and picked him up.  He moved out all of sudden. Just decided not to come home one weekend after being out in old neighborhood all weekend. I don't want to go into it but that's been rollercoastery for me.  Also had incident in new neighborhood (which is really old neighborhood, hee hee) where we were driving down our street and had to stop because a group of young men had gathered in the middle of the street to fight, and someone fired a gun, yes a gun.  I had to back up and turn around.  It was frightening. 

So I guess sometimes I eat for protection.  I eat for comfort. I also eat because certain foods trigger addictive eating behavior. 

I can find security without food.  I can find comfort without using food. I can also abstain from certain foods.  I never liked the abstinence deal.  It scared me.  But does it scare me more than constantly lugging around these extra twenty pounds, plus the other health risks? Does it scare me more than always being conflicted with myself over my eating, always being disappointed, angry and frustrated with myself?

More will be revealed.  Today I am sticking with a plan.