Up and Down

It makes me sad to admit that I have gained nine pounds since I wrote my last post. I hate admitting it.  Probably why I haven't blogged lately.  Things have been up and down and busy. I started eating more when I started working out more.  At first I thought that a little increase in appetite was not going to be so bad, and I believed that it would taper off as I adjusted to the increase in activity. I worked out faithfully but the eating kept increasing and taking on the old pattern of evening eating.  Then I started on sweets, not seeing a huge impact, getting away with a little here and there until it turned into cravings and old stuff. I felt like a drunk getting back on the booze.

It is discouraging but I am not defeated.  I have been here before. It seems like since the big loss I keep ending up at this 10 pound higher weight. I am not going to accept it and give up.  I am glad I stop gaining at this point, but I refuse to accept this as my weight.  I want that last 10 (which is now 20) pound loss. 

So I am detoxing. Sugars don't work well for me. They hurt me. Greens and leans help me.  Water helps me. Herbal tea. 

My personal life had been off, too.  Grandson moved out in the Summer, came back right before school started. We had a plan.  We worked out together, I drove him to the old school every day and picked him up.  He moved out all of sudden. Just decided not to come home one weekend after being out in old neighborhood all weekend. I don't want to go into it but that's been rollercoastery for me.  Also had incident in new neighborhood (which is really old neighborhood, hee hee) where we were driving down our street and had to stop because a group of young men had gathered in the middle of the street to fight, and someone fired a gun, yes a gun.  I had to back up and turn around.  It was frightening. 

So I guess sometimes I eat for protection.  I eat for comfort. I also eat because certain foods trigger addictive eating behavior. 

I can find security without food.  I can find comfort without using food. I can also abstain from certain foods.  I never liked the abstinence deal.  It scared me.  But does it scare me more than constantly lugging around these extra twenty pounds, plus the other health risks? Does it scare me more than always being conflicted with myself over my eating, always being disappointed, angry and frustrated with myself?

More will be revealed.  Today I am sticking with a plan.