Opposite

Getting behind on posting. I gave myself a day off from the scale and "diets" because I felt I was getting too obsessive about things. In Cycle 2 I found myself more tired than Cycle 1 but other factors could have contributed to it. So last night I took the night off. Today I am doing carb deplete and exercise. I feel like sometimes I am the opposite of "normal" because, for example, getting real tired and feeling worse when adding carbs back into the diet. Another example, hormones, doctors want to add them back when we start losing them. I feel better with less of them. Other things like that I have noticed about myself. Must be something about my constitution.

So today I am staying in today, following a plan of eating protein and complex carbs - a cycle one day for me. I did some research online on carb depleting and carb loading. It is a body builder thing. They carb deplete prior to competitions and work out during the carb deplete phase to burn fat. So I am going to make sure I work out on my lower carb days. There was a sentence about that in the book, too, buried somewhere. I have also noticed that the plans designed by body builders (not that I have read that many) include the free day or the cheat day or whatever you want to call it. It keeps the body from getting "static" and the metabolism from getting and staying low I suppose. I am grasping principles I think.

I don't want to get obsessive about anything so I am taking it easy, and enjoying the moment. It is one of those chilly fall days. But it reminds me of my ex "Man Friend" from last fall/winter/spring. He keeps showing up in dreams and last night he was saying something to me over and over but I could never understand it. In that dream I was going to oceans to stay with people who lived on one ocean or another. It was kind of cool. Don't know why he keeps popping up but it makes me a little sad. Him saying things and me not understanding what he was saying is reflective of the breakdown in the communication in that relationship. I wish I could just move on like other people do and the way he apparently did. There I am again, feeling opposite of "normal"....

Completed Cycle One !!!!

This is cause for celebration, me sticking to something for a week. I just don't do that kind of stuff. I dropped six pounds and I feel better. The immediate gratification was and is motivating. I was VERY tired yesterday at the end of the day but I don't mind being tired at the end of the day so much because then I can do what normal folks do, go to bed and go to sleep...hee hee hee.

I felt great this morning at 5:30 when I got up and weighed myself so I cleaned the kitchen since I was too tired to do it last night. Yesterday I went to the gym for my Lunch Hour Workout. It was great. Without what used to feel like artificial energy I feel my body working more and yesterday I felt I was losing weight, fat maybe, who knows. But I felt like when I weighed in I would be at a loss. I brushed past this weight in June but now I want to hang around it and move down some more. I am not getting hung up on numbers but it is motivating to see. I took my measurements (yikes) but I am not going to take them again for another week or two. None of my clothes are tight. I have an old mini skirt from 1990 - an eighties stone wash denim - that I could use as a try on, but I am not sure it will ever fit again. I squooshed into it when I was this weight in June so maybe I will use it as a measurement. I seriously doubt I'd ever go out of the house in it but it would be fun to see it fit.

Have to run, it will be a busy day at work so I wanted to check in early. I noticed that this week while depleting I did several tasks that I'd been putting off, like cleaning the bird cage, getting the headlight fixed on the car, little things that had nagged me. I like that feeling of just getting it done. I am not sure the relationship between that and my new healthier way of eating but I think there is one.

I am off to change the porch light, it has been out for maybe a year!!

More will be revealed.....

PS - File Room Workout update: 45 push ups in my 10 a.m. session - 3 sets of 15 with yoga and physical therapy in between. woo-hoo!! a new record!!

Day 7 - Hard to Believe

It is hard to believe I bought a "diet book" and followed a specific plan for almost a week now. I have no doubts about today, its the last day of cycle one and I am thrilled to finish the day on plan. I am not a diet book buyer (anymore, I own several already) AND I do not normally stick to anything like a rigid restrictive eating program. I do some things off and on (affectionately referred to as "Drastic" thanks to Helen!) and I incorporate principles and things I have learned from several programs (South Beach, Kay Sheppard, Weight Watchers) into my various Drastic plans. I like flexibility. I don't like to set myself up for failure, either. And I am always suspicious of anything that prohibits carrots!!

So, when I went to get the Crack the Fat Loss Code book I wanted to read it and learn about the theory and incorporate the principles, etc. into my own Drastic. But I saw Laura's fast results and I wanted a boost to my program. I wanted to get out of my slump. Which is one of the promises of the book - to get you off your "plateau" which is another word for my slump. After looking it over and reading I decided to do it and see. I decided to take it day by day and not overwhelm myself with thoughts of the future cycles and menus and plans. It looked easy, and did not require me to get anything special that I don't already eat, and so on.

I have been doing it now for six days and I like the instant result of getting the gain off that has been bothering me since late July. I feel like I am back where I was and ready to move forward. I like that I am learning about my body's response to foods and I like that I have cleared and cleansed and halted my carb-junkie infusion of high glycemic foods. It feels good. It feels better each day. I want to do the entire 8 weeks. If I don't that will be ok but it's a goal for now and I actually feel like I can do it. Especially since I am almost finished with what looks like the hardest part.

Now, if I look at the upcoming "cycles" they can look a little complicated with the "carb up" "carb down" and "Baseline" days. But here is how I am looking at it. I am focusing on the day I am in. And looking one day ahead so I can have the food on hand. I am not getting all tied up in three days from now, the weekend, my daughter's birthday next week, or my business trip in October. I think if I did that, I would not like it. Tomorrow I know what I am adding to my plan. I like the simplicity of looking at the suggested menu and following it. Next week, who knows? But for now I am enjoying this "science experiment" on my body.

Here's my commentary on the ball park which I almost made as the title and subject of this post. The ball park is a huge food court. It is new and expensive (no drink, bottled water included, for under 5 bucks) and full of every restaurant vendor you can think of. I could have had steak, instantly, all the traditional ball park junk, or upscale type foods, food, food food. Food walking past my nose (I was on the end seat) going up the stairs. Food smells, sights, images of pizza on the big screen, you name it.....geeeez!!! But I ate my yummy broccoli marinade (as I am calling it) and my chicken breast for dinner while the kids had seasoned fries. I had my boiled eggs and a slice of cheese later while they had cotton candy. Did I feel deprived? Absolutely not. I felt competent and healthy! Successful and smart. I was tired. I did pump up with diet cola. The most tempting smell was the jalapeno in the nachos. But I reminded myself that I have jalapenos at home and can use them on foods that are on my menus.

So I survived the ball game with one glitch, when I got home and was doing something in the kitchen, the natural peanut butter -- fresh ground peanuts -- caught me and I had the uncontrollable urge to get a spoon and eat the entire tub. I stuck my finger in it and had a couple of bites. I looked up the carbs and since it was a low carb day I don't think I went over my limit. I am not starting over. I am moving on. It is what it is. So be it. etc.

I love staying in the moment and taking things day by day. I can relax and take it easy more. We worry more about future events than what is going on right now. I am better off if I put the major majority of my attention on the here and now. Today it looks like I can go to the gym on my work break and I am excited about that.

I took time out on the way to work for a river stop, got out and enjoyed the sun reflecting on the water. Just a five minute stop but it made a huge difference, reading my morning reflection and feeling the sun.

Happy Thursday!!!

Day 6 and I am still Doing It

Yesterday I was sleep deprived. Sleep deprived and carb deprived are not a good mix but I managed. I drank diet soda which I avoid nowadays because I just don't think it's healthy. But I stuck to my carb limits and did the deal so it was a success. I even did a grand total of 50 push ups along with some other exercises. So it was a successful day even though I was tired.

I went to bed at a decent hour last night but am still tired today but not nearly as much. Today has a challenge. We are going to the ball game. We have to go early, because grandson is playing in the school band before the game. It will be fun and I am glad we are doing it. Ballgame food is not in my plan. I have prepared. I have a little zip lock bag of my broccoli which I drizzled with olive oil and seasoned with cracked pepper blend. It should be nicely "marinated" by the dinner time. I also have a frozen chicken breast in a ziplock which will thaw and be edible with the broccoli. I think that will work out nicely and if I want I will have a diet Pepsi. I also have a trusty boiled egg and a slice of cheese for evening snack. I am smuggling these into the game with me if I have to put them under my clothes. I don't think you are supposed to bring your own food but I don't think it is necessarily prohibited, either. So, prepared for the challenge and it is only morning.

Hard to believe I have stuck with something for almost the week. Tomorrow is the last day of cycle 1. I can do this. No more out of control evenings. I actually know what I have consumed in a day. It feels odd, like it is not really true, but it is.

Anyway, I have been isolating a bit, for a few months really, in that I have not gotten together with friends, and I found myself actually avoiding calls and stuff like that. This morning I got an e-mail from a friend and I found myself genuinely happy to hear from her and wanting to have a girl's night out. So maybe I am emerging from whatever my little reclusive phase was about. I call it a retreat. I was still doing stuff, just not as much.

Well, it's a busy day at work, and I need to cram 8 hours of work into six so I can leave early.

More will be revealed!!

Present in the Moment Day 5

Without the distraction of food (decisions about what to eat, guilt about what I ate, effects of high starch and sugar), I feel more present in what I am doing. I appreciate things more. I appreciate food more, too. When I am eating I enjoy the taste of the food and the fact that I can eat it without that feeling of guilt, living on the edge, anxiety or any other distracted feelings I had before. I feel like every meal is nourishment and a blessing for my body.

I have been using spices more, chili powder on my chicken breast, a blend of whole pepper corns for my salads. I used a generous amount of garlic sliced up in my "strir fry" with my broccoli last night. I can enjoy the tastes and the feeling of fullness, and good health.

But it isn't just meals, I feel more present in the other things I do. I probably used food to distract myself. Quick digesting food that overwhelmed me at times too. Even though I have been eating less the past couple of years and eating a far better diet than before, to some extent I was still drugging myself with food.

The slower digesting food seems to have a calming and stabilizing impact. I know I will be adding carbs soon but even then they will be lower on the glycemic index. I don't want to go back to the old ways. It is too much nicer to be free of the roller coaster. I know it has only been four days but I feel a big difference.

Today I am grateful for all the little moments that put together a day. Some moments we want to pass and some of them, for me anyway, we might like to stay in for a long time. Those I like to savor and acknowledge the most.

I have stuck to the plan, which is amazing for me. The only thing off my plan I did last night was I had a boiled egg between dinner and evening snack. I was preparing daughter a "power salad" and I could not resist the freshly boiled egg. The kids are eating healthier, too because I am preparing better food for them. It is just a natural progression of things.

Did my morning File Room Workout - increased my push up set to 15 and did 2 sets!! I did it after my power coffee shake (coffee chilled blended with vanilla protein shake) so perhaps that accounts for some of the energy but I don't care, I was at 12 push ups per set.

More will be revealed.

Day 4...I feel like a high performance machine...

After my morning coffee protein shake I feel like a focused, energized, high performance machine. I am so glad I did not have to give up my coffee beverage. In fact, the vanilla shake blended with the coffee is even better than the one I have been buying at my favorite coffee spot!

Yesterday I probably had the most "depleted" feelings. But I managed to clean in my room, go to church, and run to the local discount department store (this usually overwhelms me) for some things we needed. It was a good day. Evening I found myself quite tired but the logical thing was to go to bed. I am supposed to be tired at night, right? That's something about carbs and me. The sugaring up in the evening kept me UP when maybe I should have just allowed myself to feel tired and, well, go to bed. Addicts minds do not always work in a logical fashion.

There's been talk about addicts minds. I have one so I can relate to all talk of that sort. I see where I reach for the quick dissolving/digesting foods to get that feeling which is a high. I have been noticing how I feel eating the steady protein and fewer, way fewer carbs. I do not feel the depression or moods I normally feel. I feel the "depleted-ness" but I know what it is from. This is an interesting experience. I am learning first hand how food effects me. I was another pound down today which is a good motivator but I look for this to stop soon, or slow up. Or even fluctuate. I like it but I don't want to get hooked on the scale, either. Balance. Balance. Balance.

Exercise yesterday was minimal. Some push ups and a mad house cleaning in the afternoon in anticipation of people coming to look at spots appearing on the upstairs ceiling. Yikes, roof trouble. Glad it's not technically my roof. But I don't like having work done. And I don't want a caving in roof. I have been more interested in cleaning my house while on this cracking the code journey. I like that part. I am finding ways to stay busy without reaching for the carb high.

I feel like an addict in detox. I may be "seeing the light" for the first time.

More will be revealed!

Day 3 Still EXCITED!!!!!

This is working great for me. I feel like I am recovering from over-carbing (perhaps a new term) for a long time. Even during my weight loss I still was heavy at times on the carbs and I see how that impacted me. I feel like my concentration level is better even on my depletion days than it was before I was doing this. Hard to explain but I feel better, even though I feel the "carb depletedness" at times. It is not that bad. I was able to go for a walk yesterday morning and then go to the gym for my usual workout routine in the afternoon. And the scale is down 4 pounds. It may be bloat and water but I don't care. I was sick of that bloat and water. I feel like I am making progress and eating healthier.

I have my moments. Usually right after my big meal at lunch and dinner I feel like I want something, or want to go on eating. That's me wanting a sweet, I think, a fruit, more carbs, more food. I have always had that impulse after a meal, to go on and on. But a nice hot tea should do the trick, perhaps a chai which is spicy and also comes in decaf. I may go to the store and pick up some teas - apple cinnamon is a good dessert tea. The aroma is nice, too and smelling it and the warmth of it may sooth the craving. I also notice that if I get busy and time passes that feeling of wanting to eat more goes away after a while. So a walk, a good book, even a TV show, anything but food is most likely a good idea.

Evening eating consists of my snack, and nothing else. I went to bed early last night. The snack is supposed to be two hours before bed. I have protein at every meal. There is a plan of 6 meals but a minimum of 4. The first day I did all 6 but yesterday only got in 5. The idea is to keep the nourishment coming regularly and protein at each interval. I like this very much. I think I was protein depleted most of the time. I tried to be balanced in my eating but did grab for the quick carbs. I think if I analyzed my diet it would have been heavily weighted in carbs. Carbs, the right kind are good, I learned that from South Beach, but balance is what I seek and I tend to sway over to the fast carbs, sugars, starches and not enough protein.

We will see what this brings me. I have not read too much ahead about how I will be eating in the next week. I understand the concept but I am still in the nutritional education part of the book and my cycle 1. I do not want to get overwhelmed thinking of next week or the week after that. I have thought about my business trip near the end of October and what cycle that will be in, but then I decided not to worry about that. If I stay in the here and now it is so much simpler. If I think about next month, week or even tomorrow I get all nervous.

I would be fine with no exercise today but if I feel like it I will. I won't push myself, however. Doing things around the house would be nice and a walk. A couple of hand weights. I did no push ups yesterday, so I may try one or two or a set whenever I am feeling my highest level of energy. In the past I could be real good at working out, but lousy at eating or I could be real good at eating and then let my exercise slip to next to nothing. I want a real balance. Both. But I do not do well if I push myself to be the work out queen, a simple workout is best for me, the habit of doing it even if it is not super woman stuff.

I think I have been a little bored lately, since getting back from vacation, kids starting school, kicking the Weed out of my life, etc. It is nice and stable and peaceful but I found myself a bit bored and reaching for that carb high. Now I turn to doing stuff. I even went to a garage sale and poked around yesterday. I surf the web on diet sites, read, ANYTHING to stay out of the quick food fix. I did stuff before but now I am trying to do it more often. It does not have to be some giant social event or much at all. Just a diversion of my attention. Flipping through a magazine, etc. Simple things to do without leaving the house. I got invited to a picnic yesterday but did not feel like going, the choice was there but I found other things to do. I got invited to something today but not really feeling like going. I will make my church stuff and then see what happens.

More will be revealed!

Day 2 - I am SO Excited!!!!!!!

Day one went well. I did feel the depletion but it was not bad. I even went out last night for a little while to meet someone for tea. That's another story in itself, on my Internets dating blog. Anyway, back to the important stuff. I am three pounds down. One pound away from my normal BMI!!!! This gain-back that happened in July is going away. And I am seeing where I have grabbed for carbs in my daily eating instead of protein. I don't think my diet was very balanced before. It was far better than the past, and it enabled me to lose an maintain loss but it will not get me to where I want to be and keep me there.

So, on to true fitness. At least, that is how I am looking at it. I took a walk this morning. Not a huge one, but a walk to the swan pond with Dog. I want to keep a minimum of exercise going but not pushing myself. I was tired yesterday in the afternoon, and a bit weaker in the file room as the day went on but nothing drastic. I am focusing on learning to fuel the body right now. But I do not want to lose the discipline of regular exercise. So, I will still do something each day, and at the normal times that I exercise. If I feel weak, I will do less. But keep the habit going.

I am sipping my blended coffee protein shake with MANY THANKS to Laura for the idea. I blended coffee with ice and my protein powder. It is good. I did not so much miss my coffee yesterday because I had chai tea, which I love. This program is very do-able for me. I have already cooked up a supply of protein. I have eggs, broccoli, and lettuce ready. And cheese. I am not going off the charts with fats. I am using the olive oil and 2% on the cheese, 4% on the cottage cheese. I want my fats, but I don't want to overdo it. Olive oil is a healthy fat. I hope that's not a bad idea.

I feel optimistic this morning. Not deprived, not worried I can't do this. I don't think I could have done in the beginning. But since I already have the discipline of planning, tracking and following a plan, however loosely, it is not a rude shock on me to do it. And the food is normal food that I enjoy eating and am used to having as the main part of my diet.

We will see how I feel later. I feel like I am detoxing and getting rid of the bloat and gain from July. It is a good feeling. FINALLY, what a relief.

Later Update - I actually went to the gym for a workout around 4:30. It was great. 3 pm seems to be my trouble zone. After hanging out avoiding food, I decided to go somewhere, leave the house. I ended up at an auto parts store near the gym to replace a headlight. After the nice man put it in for me I felt so happy I popped over to the gym. It is post dinner time and I feel good. Satisfied. There is this short period at the end of meals where I want to go on eating or I want something, like a carb, maybe..hee hee. But it goes away after a while. Especially if I just get busy, drink water and distract myself...

Carb Depleted Girl

It is around 3 the afternoon of Day One. In addition to carb depletion I may have a little bit of caffeine depletion going on. I have replaced my coffee beverages which include milk, etc. (carbs galore) with plain tea - black tea, chai, herbal ginger, etc. I like tea so it is not a huge thing. But I have my moments. Funny how I associate my creamy coffee and my frozen coffee with certain things.

Food has been exact as to plan. I started craving a meal about a half hour ago, shortly after lunch but I staved it off with hot tea. I really want my protein shake but I am going to hold off. I have three more meals, basically - the shake, then dinner, then a snack. When I look at the plan it looks like plenty of food. But I am starting to feel the depletion. I feel a little bit like I am going to wilt.

I have only done two File Room trips due to circumstances beyond my control - work deadlines and school nurse trip. I felt fine in the a.m. but this past one felt a little harder. I am focusing more on sticking to the food plan rather than getting tons of exercise during this week one. But I want to keep up some kind of minimum just to maintain my habit of exercise itself.

Gotta run, work is very busy...probably a good thing..less time to ponder missing carbs! It feels good to be doing this plan, doing something new, something drastic. I think weight loss and fitness has become a hobby.
I

Prepped and Ready

I bought the book. I bought the groceries. I read, am still reading the book. I planned my meals tomorrow and packed for work. Tommorow I start the Crack the Fat-Loss Code 8 week cycle. I got overwhelmed for a while getting ready. I am excited about it actually. If I just focus on one day at a time I don't get overwhelmed. I have what I need for tomorrow, and probably the weekend. I am mentally ready. I have followed South Beach phase one which is a carb reduction plan, so I have an idea what to expect in the beginning.


I need to go to bed. I plan to keep up with exercise since I don't do that much anyway. I am very tired today for some reason. I can expect to be tired with the diet change as well. I am following Laura's lead on this. She has results....the kind I want!! I have been stalled with my gain for over a month, going on two. I want get moving and get to a goal. In a healthy way, of course. So this program teaches a lifestyle, eventually, and that's what I like. I like education about nutrition and realistic food plans.

So tomorrowFriday - is day one.

More will be revealed.

In a Good Space

I feel recovered from my sugar episode. No damage on the scale but it lingers in my appetite. Yesterday I went to the gym after work. That was a great way to transition into the evening. I was pretty hungry when I got home but I ate raw broccoli, veggie "chicken" patty and an apple and felt pretty good. I don't recall if I had anything else. That would be miraculous. The workout was a boost at the end of the day. I may try to do that more often. Since the gym is close, and on the way home I was not later than six thirty getting home.

I am in a good space mentally and emotionally. I have been very productive at work, my attention span seems to be better lately. I am not wallowing so much in the "bad relationship" past. I talked to a friend last night who is a little older than me. She had been finding herself going over regrets of past jobs and the years she spent in them. I said I'd been doing the same with relationships. She laughed happily and said she'd already done that, and it would pass! It made me feel good. I have been isolating a bit and not talking to people much. I think I felt shame over the getting back with the Weed. I need to get over that. That is what the therapist is for.

So, on I go with my packed healthy food. Albacore tuna, salad greens, a green pepper, some yellow squash, my trusty high fiber cereal with low fat milk. Giving myself a clean slate. This crisp fall morning is too bright to doom myself with negative thoughts!!

More will be revealed...

Confessional

For some reason while watching the stock market crash on Monday night, I reached for food, frozen yogurt, then ice cream (I guess it was only a matter of time --since I had it in the house for the first time in months) and tortilla chips....sheesh. I am not even heavily into the stock market.

Anyhow. . I am back on track. Yesterday was weird, too, stayed home with sick daughter.

I am not defeated yet. Had to be accountable.

Moving Forward

Today I cooked a very nice homey dinner for my daughter and a couple of her friends and my grandson. We all sat down to the table together. It was really nice. I made a pork roast with potatoes and carrots, and some green beans on the side. Hot french bread. Also, baked beans. Then I baked brownies for dessert to be served with ice cream and hot fudge. I had a lean slice of the roast and green beans with salad greens. No baked beans, or bread, but a couple of small pieces of potato and a few slices of carrot. I did not touch any aspect of the brownies, ice cream or fudge. No licking batter spoons, no nibbling crumbs, no nothing. Not a drop. That's the thing, stuff like that needs to stay completely off limits,

I did not miss it or crave it. I was happy to serve it to guests but it did not exist for me. I like that feeling. I like being in this place with food. I did not eat much at dinner so a little while later I had salmon with peas. I measured. I enjoyed it. I feel good. Sticking with lean protein and staying off the high sugar, processed grains, etc. is so helpful to staying on track. It feels great. I am in a better mood today than I have been for a while.

This morning started off so weird. I was going to get my sugar free light blended coffee and when I pulled in the parking lot the Weed was pulling across and almost cut me off. He stopped and let me go by. He looked straight at me and I tried to figure out if it was him. I hoped it was not. I was in the drive through and he called. He was all pleasant. I got off the phone pretty quick. I texted him and told him I still get a bad feeling of anxiety over him, that I have not felt the same since that Sunday, and to ignore me next time. During the short conversation he was so pleasant I almost considered seeing him. I shuddered at the thought afterward though. And I felt all scared, creeped out and traumatized. The man may not mean harm but he triggers the feelings of all the bad stuff I ever experienced in my entire life with men. It was that way last summer and it is that way now.

After the text I drove to the river. I felt better. I went to my trusty coffee shop, where I have not been in a very long time. The girl who works there was so nice, and seemed genuinely happy to see me, and asked me how I'd been. We had a pleasant chat about her hair. It felt like home. I even got custody of the comfy couch. I sat and wrote on my laptop. Started my Internet dating blog. I relaxed and read my meditations. I lounged. I felt like my old self. I velt very good. And I still feel good. I feel healed somehow. Whole again.

There was something defining about the passing of the Weed this morning. And my ability to articulate how I felt and tell him in my own way to leave me be. I am finished with trying to have nice endings to bad stories. I am finished wanting things to be "all right" when they are not. I am very OK with giving up on certain people. Very. There are so many people who I feel good around, who are kind to me and make me feel really good. Why waste another moment on anyone who triggers a lifetime of grief? Sheesh..

I am sore today from my File Room Workout. See the tally on my physical challenge blog if you are interested. I did not work out today. I relaxed. I relished the day. It was a day of feeling a sense of home, a sense of family, a sense of belonging in my own life. A day of enjoying being away from home and being home. A cozy day with a roast cooking in the oven and kids laughing and joking and having fun. A day of nourishing others while taking care of me.

I'm writing more. And feeling creative. There is movement in me. A turning away from the old and moving forward. I feel it. It is a mellow feeling of excitement. And a feeling of well being. I am going to savor it.

More will be revealed.

Bring Back the Drastic

I decided to set some goals. One is to move forward with a more diligence with daily food plans and start losing again. Two is to challenge myself physically on a regular basis. I am interested in what my body can do. I like feeling strength and agility. I have been in a slump and gained some weight back from when I hit my normal BMI. Now I want to get moving again. It would be easy to stay where I am but for now I believe staying where I am will turn into a slow and steady gain. Plus, I get a sense of purpose from losing. I like it. It is like making good grades in college. I am not ready to graduate. I am not ready to let go.

I read about compulsion a while back in the book When Food is Love so I understand that some of what I am feeling as a sense of purpose could be compulsive. I want to keep that in mind and ponder it. But for now I believe my goals are healthy. I want to lose more weight to get back down to the normal BMI and then lose some additional weight to allow for fluctuation. I want a comfort zone. Teetering on the edge of overweight/normal BMI is not comfortable for me. It feels like living on the edge. I'd like to distance myself more from the overweight zone. Not too much, but a safe distance. My new goal puts me at a BMI of 23. Since 25 is the overweight point. I think that puts me at a reasonable distance. If I find that I am a comfortable/safe size at a higher weight I may adjust the goal. I will just see what my body does. My mini goal is to get back into the 140's, and then a series of mini goals follow - to get to the mid-140's, the lower 140's and peek at the 130's.

I want to make this fun and interesting without becoming obsessive about numbers and such. But speaking of numbers, it's only 16 pounds, and I have lost 52 already. I will have lost a third of my body weight if I get there, but that's not a requirement. Right now I have lost a fourth of my body weight which is a cool thing to ponder. But like I said, just numbers.

I like seeing what this changing body can do physically. I don't want to be a buff body builder, but I'd like see if I can do a pull up. Little things like that. Like the push ups. Simple things. It makes my brain feel good to exercise. It chases off my depression and it gives me confidence. So small challenges can bring steady rewards. I want to use the scale for a measurement and staying in reality, but the non scale rewards are much more fun to realize.

I want to make peace with myself for the gain and move on. Even though it is smaller in comparison to the old days, I still have the same basic struggle with myself about food. I plan to eat less but then I eat more. I plan to pass up certain foods but later I reach for them, in smaller amounts. It foils my plans. I used to be very conflicted about it and upset. Since I am dealing in smaller amounts and less often, now when I do it, it is more of an "oh well" or a "I'll eat better tomorrow" or a "no big deal" kind of thing. But this last fluctuation has me concerned. I have begun to feel disappointment with myself, and fear. Fear is the worst. It is rooted in a lack of trust. Trust in me. All the "no big deals" are adding up into a crisis of confidence.

I need to build up my trust in me. Be true to myself. Get serious. Something like that. I will start with a healthy food plan that promotes steady blood sugar levels and does not produce cravings. Like South Beach phase one, or the low glycemic format. Whole grains, if grains at all. Lots of raw veggies and lean protein. I know what foods make me want more food. I need to make sure I am prepared with supply on hand of the good stuff. And, I need to measure. I measure often but not all the time. I also write out a plan and tally during the day but it all ends when I leave work most of the time. So I will get myself a small note pad and keep it with me. Simple, easy, basic. And just DO IT.

As Helen would say, it's time to get Drastic. I miss the Drastic. Let's bring it back.

This is turning into a late night ramble now so I better go to bed.

New Blog

I created a new blog at this same address so that I could use the upgraded version to display pictures, etc. My old one is still here - just click my profile and it shows up. I wanted to display visuals of before and after, muscle vs. fat and do other things my old version could not do. I hope this works out. I've been struggling with the old one for a while. I am still working on the layout and experimenting and learning. Let me know how you like the new version. It's a work in progress, like me!

Sleep is so important. Yesterday I had only about 4.5 hours the night before and I fell prey to a sugar craving late afternoon. I had sugar and caffeine and I know why. It did not constitute a binge, it was just something I did not plan, and to make up for it I ate less the rest of the day. Me and the scale ignored each other this morning. Not a big deal.. I sabotaged myself with the afternoon coffee because then when I went to bed I had trouble falling asleep even though I was exhausted. I know there is a direct relationship between sleep and appetite, weight loss/gain - for me anyway.

More will be revealed..