Today I cooked a very nice homey dinner for my daughter and a couple of her friends and my grandson. We all sat down to the table together. It was really nice. I made a pork roast with potatoes and carrots, and some green beans on the side. Hot french bread. Also, baked beans. Then I baked brownies for dessert to be served with ice cream and hot fudge. I had a lean slice of the roast and green beans with salad greens. No baked beans, or bread, but a couple of small pieces of potato and a few slices of carrot. I did not touch any aspect of the brownies, ice cream or fudge. No licking batter spoons, no nibbling crumbs, no nothing. Not a drop. That's the thing, stuff like that needs to stay completely off limits,
I did not miss it or crave it. I was happy to serve it to guests but it did not exist for me. I like that feeling. I like being in this place with food. I did not eat much at dinner so a little while later I had salmon with peas. I measured. I enjoyed it. I feel good. Sticking with lean protein and staying off the high sugar, processed grains, etc. is so helpful to staying on track. It feels great. I am in a better mood today than I have been for a while.
This morning started off so weird. I was going to get my sugar free light blended coffee and when I pulled in the parking lot the Weed was pulling across and almost cut me off. He stopped and let me go by. He looked straight at me and I tried to figure out if it was him. I hoped it was not. I was in the drive through and he called. He was all pleasant. I got off the phone pretty quick. I texted him and told him I still get a bad feeling of anxiety over him, that I have not felt the same since that Sunday, and to ignore me next time. During the short conversation he was so pleasant I almost considered seeing him. I shuddered at the thought afterward though. And I felt all scared, creeped out and traumatized. The man may not mean harm but he triggers the feelings of all the bad stuff I ever experienced in my entire life with men. It was that way last summer and it is that way now.
After the text I drove to the river. I felt better. I went to my trusty coffee shop, where I have not been in a very long time. The girl who works there was so nice, and seemed genuinely happy to see me, and asked me how I'd been. We had a pleasant chat about her hair. It felt like home. I even got custody of the comfy couch. I sat and wrote on my laptop. Started my Internet dating blog. I relaxed and read my meditations. I lounged. I felt like my old self. I velt very good. And I still feel good. I feel healed somehow. Whole again.
There was something defining about the passing of the Weed this morning. And my ability to articulate how I felt and tell him in my own way to leave me be. I am finished with trying to have nice endings to bad stories. I am finished wanting things to be "all right" when they are not. I am very OK with giving up on certain people. Very. There are so many people who I feel good around, who are kind to me and make me feel really good. Why waste another moment on anyone who triggers a lifetime of grief? Sheesh..
I am sore today from my File Room Workout. See the tally on my physical challenge blog if you are interested. I did not work out today. I relaxed. I relished the day. It was a day of feeling a sense of home, a sense of family, a sense of belonging in my own life. A day of enjoying being away from home and being home. A cozy day with a roast cooking in the oven and kids laughing and joking and having fun. A day of nourishing others while taking care of me.
I'm writing more. And feeling creative. There is movement in me. A turning away from the old and moving forward. I feel it. It is a mellow feeling of excitement. And a feeling of well being. I am going to savor it.
More will be revealed.