I decided to set some goals. One is to move forward with a more diligence with daily food plans and start losing again. Two is to challenge myself physically on a regular basis. I am interested in what my body can do. I like feeling strength and agility. I have been in a slump and gained some weight back from when I hit my normal BMI. Now I want to get moving again. It would be easy to stay where I am but for now I believe staying where I am will turn into a slow and steady gain. Plus, I get a sense of purpose from losing. I like it. It is like making good grades in college. I am not ready to graduate. I am not ready to let go.
I read about compulsion a while back in the book When Food is Love so I understand that some of what I am feeling as a sense of purpose could be compulsive. I want to keep that in mind and ponder it. But for now I believe my goals are healthy. I want to lose more weight to get back down to the normal BMI and then lose some additional weight to allow for fluctuation. I want a comfort zone. Teetering on the edge of overweight/normal BMI is not comfortable for me. It feels like living on the edge. I'd like to distance myself more from the overweight zone. Not too much, but a safe distance. My new goal puts me at a BMI of 23. Since 25 is the overweight point. I think that puts me at a reasonable distance. If I find that I am a comfortable/safe size at a higher weight I may adjust the goal. I will just see what my body does. My mini goal is to get back into the 140's, and then a series of mini goals follow - to get to the mid-140's, the lower 140's and peek at the 130's.
I want to make this fun and interesting without becoming obsessive about numbers and such. But speaking of numbers, it's only 16 pounds, and I have lost 52 already. I will have lost a third of my body weight if I get there, but that's not a requirement. Right now I have lost a fourth of my body weight which is a cool thing to ponder. But like I said, just numbers.
I like seeing what this changing body can do physically. I don't want to be a buff body builder, but I'd like see if I can do a pull up. Little things like that. Like the push ups. Simple things. It makes my brain feel good to exercise. It chases off my depression and it gives me confidence. So small challenges can bring steady rewards. I want to use the scale for a measurement and staying in reality, but the non scale rewards are much more fun to realize.
I want to make peace with myself for the gain and move on. Even though it is smaller in comparison to the old days, I still have the same basic struggle with myself about food. I plan to eat less but then I eat more. I plan to pass up certain foods but later I reach for them, in smaller amounts. It foils my plans. I used to be very conflicted about it and upset. Since I am dealing in smaller amounts and less often, now when I do it, it is more of an "oh well" or a "I'll eat better tomorrow" or a "no big deal" kind of thing. But this last fluctuation has me concerned. I have begun to feel disappointment with myself, and fear. Fear is the worst. It is rooted in a lack of trust. Trust in me. All the "no big deals" are adding up into a crisis of confidence.
I need to build up my trust in me. Be true to myself. Get serious. Something like that. I will start with a healthy food plan that promotes steady blood sugar levels and does not produce cravings. Like South Beach phase one, or the low glycemic format. Whole grains, if grains at all. Lots of raw veggies and lean protein. I know what foods make me want more food. I need to make sure I am prepared with supply on hand of the good stuff. And, I need to measure. I measure often but not all the time. I also write out a plan and tally during the day but it all ends when I leave work most of the time. So I will get myself a small note pad and keep it with me. Simple, easy, basic. And just DO IT.
As Helen would say, it's time to get Drastic. I miss the Drastic. Let's bring it back.
This is turning into a late night ramble now so I better go to bed.