What is it with the Bagels????? Bagels, Bagels, Bagels...why can't they bring veggies or something. Or skip the food. Give us money.
OK that's my vent about Bagel Day. I know I don't have to eat them but I find the ones with the sunflower seeds and whole grains very very very hard to resist lately.
On a positive note - I had the phone screen and two hours later got called back to schedule a real interview. It will be Monday. I will be buying a new outfit for the occasion. I hope I feel good about whatever size I am fitting into these days. I need to stay positive. Daughter has been having sleep problems and all her other health stuff, with the tonsils and you name it. Missing school and it is getting to me. I was grumpy yesterday and retired early, away from all food. Only to face Bagel Day this morning. Ooops I wasn't gonna talk about BD anymore.
So for the rest of the day I want to be positive. Job interview is a positive thing. Shopping is something to look forward to. I can think of happy things. It just seems to take a little more effort today.
More will be revealed...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Monday
I had a nice relaxing weekend. I cleaned in the main living area and it made for pleasant relaxation time. I did it on my terms. The numberless talking scale cheered for me this morning and told me I was 1.5 pounds below my starting weight. That was nice. I know I can do better with my food but I feel more stability in my choices. I need to lower the volume/portion size now. I got used to eating more. Overall it was a fine weekend.
I worked from home today adding to the relaxed feeling I have right now about things. I had a very odd an unexpected stomach ache this morning. I could not even stand up straight. I used a heating pad because it felt like a big cramp. I fell asleep with the heating pad and woke up feeling better. I got a nibble on a resume I sent out Friday night from home. I have a phone screen with an HR person Wednesday morning. I was a little alarmed at the thought of actually interviewing, and changing jobs sooner rather than later. I sent the resume out because it was a job I felt qualified for and with a good company. I am not that pumped about it, though really. It did feel good to get a response and a response so soon. I think I needed some positive reinforcement in that area. I had decided to stay put until the bitter end last week so I could get my severance pay. But we will see. I wish I could find a job where I could work from home. It feels so good to be home.
Not much else happening. I feel sedated from all my rest. I slept 9.5 hours one of the weekend nights, I can't recall which one. I guess I will need to get some exercise soon!
I worked from home today adding to the relaxed feeling I have right now about things. I had a very odd an unexpected stomach ache this morning. I could not even stand up straight. I used a heating pad because it felt like a big cramp. I fell asleep with the heating pad and woke up feeling better. I got a nibble on a resume I sent out Friday night from home. I have a phone screen with an HR person Wednesday morning. I was a little alarmed at the thought of actually interviewing, and changing jobs sooner rather than later. I sent the resume out because it was a job I felt qualified for and with a good company. I am not that pumped about it, though really. It did feel good to get a response and a response so soon. I think I needed some positive reinforcement in that area. I had decided to stay put until the bitter end last week so I could get my severance pay. But we will see. I wish I could find a job where I could work from home. It feels so good to be home.
Not much else happening. I feel sedated from all my rest. I slept 9.5 hours one of the weekend nights, I can't recall which one. I guess I will need to get some exercise soon!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
"If I Feel Like It"
I took some work to the coffee house this morning. I finished a tedious contract in record time. I would rather not be working this morning but being at the cozy coffee house on the comfy chair or couch makes it much more tolerable, relaxing in fact. I am finished in the warehouse. My body feels good having had all that exercise for so many days. Now I will have to go back to the gym or ride my bike, etc. for exercise rather than getting it while I am working. It was handy having a job that gave me an automatic workout.
My food has been good. I feel normal again. I feel like eating right naturally without a struggle. I feel calm and peaceful. What a relief. The warehouse project brought new or re-newed appreciation from my boss. She brought us breakfast on Thursday and authorized my request to expense a lunch out for me, my warehouse buddy and the warehouse manager. It was nice. We went out, sat down, got waited on and had good food together. I had healthy and tasty food. Grilled Mahi Mahi - what a yummy treat. Had not had that in years. We all appreciated the luxury, especially in light of impending unemployment!!
I have made no weekend commitments. None. I made sure of it. I do need to finish this contract but I am doing it on MY TERMS in a relaxing environment. If I tried doing it at home I'd feel pressured and distracted. But here I feel relaxed and focused. I may switch to another coffee house if I feel like it. But I am making it a positive experience overall. The house is messy and if I feel like it I will do some cleaning or organizing. Only if I feel like it. Only if it makes me feel good to do it. Theme for the weekend is rest, and appreciation of what I have. I put in some long hours and I will have a fat paycheck in return. I appreciate that very much. The kids are well and doing things they like. We are getting along well together. I have much to be grateful for.
I may lay around and watch movies if I feel like it. Operable phrase for the weekend is "if I feel like it" - and that feels really good!!!!
My food has been good. I feel normal again. I feel like eating right naturally without a struggle. I feel calm and peaceful. What a relief. The warehouse project brought new or re-newed appreciation from my boss. She brought us breakfast on Thursday and authorized my request to expense a lunch out for me, my warehouse buddy and the warehouse manager. It was nice. We went out, sat down, got waited on and had good food together. I had healthy and tasty food. Grilled Mahi Mahi - what a yummy treat. Had not had that in years. We all appreciated the luxury, especially in light of impending unemployment!!
I have made no weekend commitments. None. I made sure of it. I do need to finish this contract but I am doing it on MY TERMS in a relaxing environment. If I tried doing it at home I'd feel pressured and distracted. But here I feel relaxed and focused. I may switch to another coffee house if I feel like it. But I am making it a positive experience overall. The house is messy and if I feel like it I will do some cleaning or organizing. Only if I feel like it. Only if it makes me feel good to do it. Theme for the weekend is rest, and appreciation of what I have. I put in some long hours and I will have a fat paycheck in return. I appreciate that very much. The kids are well and doing things they like. We are getting along well together. I have much to be grateful for.
I may lay around and watch movies if I feel like it. Operable phrase for the weekend is "if I feel like it" - and that feels really good!!!!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Two Days!!
I am going to bed soon. It is 8:30 and I worked until 7:15 and then came home and made dinner. I am wiped out tired. I want to sleep. I stuck to my plan today. Best moment was sitting next to my Warehouse buddy while she ate her cheese curls and eating my raw broccoli snack. I love my raw broccoli snack - I take raw broccoli and put it in a baggie with garlic and black pepper and a smidgen of olive oil. I let it "marinate" during the day while I work and in the afternoon it is quite tasty. I did not have any desire to have her cheese curls. I felt healthy and happy munching my snack. I used to love cheese curls. They seem kinda gross now, and not worth the problems they cause me.
So we may finish at the warehouse tomorrow. We have 54 more boxes. We will see. I think I might miss it. It has been intense, but now that the end is in sight I am not stressed about it. I feel grimy at the end of the day and my shower feels dreamy. I was down two pounds this morning. But that just takes care of my "up" from the weekend. What is important, though, is that I have stayed on a plan two days in a row. That's a good feeling.
More will be revealed!!!
So we may finish at the warehouse tomorrow. We have 54 more boxes. We will see. I think I might miss it. It has been intense, but now that the end is in sight I am not stressed about it. I feel grimy at the end of the day and my shower feels dreamy. I was down two pounds this morning. But that just takes care of my "up" from the weekend. What is important, though, is that I have stayed on a plan two days in a row. That's a good feeling.
More will be revealed!!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
One Day
I have one day. One day of eating my planned food. One day of not eating anything else. I was prepared at the Warehouse. I had my own meals. When I took my partner with me to get bottled water she got junk food but I did not have any. She had ice cream and cracker jack. I had raw veggies. It felt good. It also feels good to be finished eating for the day. Knowing I can go to bed satified having followed a plan.
We had a productive day at the Warehouse but we won't finish tomorrow. I think I will be there a few more days. I felt good at the end of the day, though. No longer overwhelmed. I am going to go to bed as early as I can tonight, get a good night's sleep and start again tomorrow. I am so happy to have stayed on my little program today.
More will be revealed.
We had a productive day at the Warehouse but we won't finish tomorrow. I think I will be there a few more days. I felt good at the end of the day, though. No longer overwhelmed. I am going to go to bed as early as I can tonight, get a good night's sleep and start again tomorrow. I am so happy to have stayed on my little program today.
More will be revealed.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
How Many Day One's am I Allowed?
I guess as many as it takes to get started. Probably unrealistic to plan a new program when going to Mom's for dinner and birthday party. Then the prison visit the next day in vending machine world. I did not do so hot but I am not giving up. What I am really facing right now are realities that make me feel sad.
My Dad was very quiet this visit and he went back in his room a lot. He barely said but one or two words at a time. He lays in bed a lot and stares at the ceiling. I want to tell you what my Dad used to be like. When I was growing up every night my Dad got home at exactly 5:30. He watched the news and went on about politics. He was very avid about social justice, civil rights and such. He would also strum his guitar in the evening and listen to music. It was the background music of my childhood. He was dedicated to his family. He did not do anything else that I am aware of. He did things with us. He worked a job he did not like all that much so he could provide for us.
Education was important to him. And he wanted us all to go to college. He dreamed up a family business raising and selling produce to raise college money. In fact, my oldest brother put himself through college that way. Working the farm every Summer. I worked in the produce stand and in the fields, myself. I am so happy to have had such an experience. In fact that's how I learned to like vegetables. Sitting in the stand on a hot Summer day smelling them.
He read books, so many books. Every night he would go to bed and read before he went to sleep. He also wrote books and sent them to publishers but never got any of them published. He did however realize his dream of publication when he moved to the country and got his own column in the nearby city newspaper. That went fine until he wrote a "liberal" opinion and then he got sacked. His column was called Chet Gilbert's Things To Think About. It had his photo next to it as well. We have copies of the articles. My Mom told me this weekend that Dad always said that if any one of us kids would be a writer it would be me.
I don't know exactly when he completely slipped away but I really miss my Dad.
My Dad was very quiet this visit and he went back in his room a lot. He barely said but one or two words at a time. He lays in bed a lot and stares at the ceiling. I want to tell you what my Dad used to be like. When I was growing up every night my Dad got home at exactly 5:30. He watched the news and went on about politics. He was very avid about social justice, civil rights and such. He would also strum his guitar in the evening and listen to music. It was the background music of my childhood. He was dedicated to his family. He did not do anything else that I am aware of. He did things with us. He worked a job he did not like all that much so he could provide for us.
Education was important to him. And he wanted us all to go to college. He dreamed up a family business raising and selling produce to raise college money. In fact, my oldest brother put himself through college that way. Working the farm every Summer. I worked in the produce stand and in the fields, myself. I am so happy to have had such an experience. In fact that's how I learned to like vegetables. Sitting in the stand on a hot Summer day smelling them.
He read books, so many books. Every night he would go to bed and read before he went to sleep. He also wrote books and sent them to publishers but never got any of them published. He did however realize his dream of publication when he moved to the country and got his own column in the nearby city newspaper. That went fine until he wrote a "liberal" opinion and then he got sacked. His column was called Chet Gilbert's Things To Think About. It had his photo next to it as well. We have copies of the articles. My Mom told me this weekend that Dad always said that if any one of us kids would be a writer it would be me.
I don't know exactly when he completely slipped away but I really miss my Dad.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Day One Update
After declaring my plan (a form of independence in itself) I relaxed in front of my morning fire, read a few blogs until my stomach growled for a while. Then I decided to have breakfast. I made my spinach omelet. I used cloves of garlic and cracked black pepper. Two medium eggs. It was very yummy and satisfying. I am having as much ice water as I can drink because yesterday was a high salt day. I am detoxing. Detoxing involves flushing out with water. I am sipping my coffee slow. I am cutting down on coffee, but slowly.
But this post really is not about food. It's about celebrating life. I put in a CD that my daughter made for me (she does it for Christmas and Birthdays). I suddenly felt energized and began doing some housework. I felt like dancing. My body felt light. Here's the deal. My body is not that bad. In fact it's in pretty good shape relative to where I started from. I feel agile and strong at the Warehouse. I feel capable. I am going to focus on the good things. I have a plan. I have a good starting point. Far better than my starting point in 2005.
The kids are off doing good things. Grandson went to a football practice. He is getting involved with boys in this neighborhood playing football for fun. It is great. He is finally settling in and this is Home. It took two years but I feel like we are there. Daughter spent the night with a friend. This friend is my favorite of all her friends. When she is with this one she gets positive ideas like playing music again, and joining the gym. It's a friend from old neighborhood who moved to this area a year or so ago. They are not in the same school district but she is closer in driving distance. I am so happy to know what my kids are doing.
As for me, I am enjoying a fire, reading here and there, cleaning here and there and doing whatever I feel like doing in the moment. I have music blasting. This is my couple of hours. I am not pressured by anything at all. We will go to Mom and Dad's in the afternoon. We will celebrate Dad's 80th birthday. I will relax and enjoy being with Mom. I have feelings sometimes like a child wanting my "mommy" and I even say it sometimes....so today and tonight and part of tomorrow I will have my mommy. I don't need her to take care of me anymore but just being there with her gives me that feeling of security. I will relish it. Mom will cook. I can help clean up and do some chores for her if needed. But mostly it is about being there. Just being there.
So it's a present moment kind of day. I was talking to Daughter about present moment stuff on the way to school the other day. Pointing out how much we can enjoy the present moment and not worry about the future. Especially when we never know what will happen anyway. For example, if we waste a bunch of time worrying about my next job, or lack thereof, and I get a groovy new job and we don't skip a financial beat, won't we feel silly? I told her that last night on the way to friend's house. We had a chuckle over it.
I also noticed my back is doing remarkably well with all the Warehouse lifting. Perhaps the HRT and perhaps the exercise...but I am celebrating that today, too!
There's always something good to focus on. I choose the good for today.
But this post really is not about food. It's about celebrating life. I put in a CD that my daughter made for me (she does it for Christmas and Birthdays). I suddenly felt energized and began doing some housework. I felt like dancing. My body felt light. Here's the deal. My body is not that bad. In fact it's in pretty good shape relative to where I started from. I feel agile and strong at the Warehouse. I feel capable. I am going to focus on the good things. I have a plan. I have a good starting point. Far better than my starting point in 2005.
The kids are off doing good things. Grandson went to a football practice. He is getting involved with boys in this neighborhood playing football for fun. It is great. He is finally settling in and this is Home. It took two years but I feel like we are there. Daughter spent the night with a friend. This friend is my favorite of all her friends. When she is with this one she gets positive ideas like playing music again, and joining the gym. It's a friend from old neighborhood who moved to this area a year or so ago. They are not in the same school district but she is closer in driving distance. I am so happy to know what my kids are doing.
As for me, I am enjoying a fire, reading here and there, cleaning here and there and doing whatever I feel like doing in the moment. I have music blasting. This is my couple of hours. I am not pressured by anything at all. We will go to Mom and Dad's in the afternoon. We will celebrate Dad's 80th birthday. I will relax and enjoy being with Mom. I have feelings sometimes like a child wanting my "mommy" and I even say it sometimes....so today and tonight and part of tomorrow I will have my mommy. I don't need her to take care of me anymore but just being there with her gives me that feeling of security. I will relish it. Mom will cook. I can help clean up and do some chores for her if needed. But mostly it is about being there. Just being there.
So it's a present moment kind of day. I was talking to Daughter about present moment stuff on the way to school the other day. Pointing out how much we can enjoy the present moment and not worry about the future. Especially when we never know what will happen anyway. For example, if we waste a bunch of time worrying about my next job, or lack thereof, and I get a groovy new job and we don't skip a financial beat, won't we feel silly? I told her that last night on the way to friend's house. We had a chuckle over it.
I also noticed my back is doing remarkably well with all the Warehouse lifting. Perhaps the HRT and perhaps the exercise...but I am celebrating that today, too!
There's always something good to focus on. I choose the good for today.
I have a plan
Yesterday the Warehouse was grueling. I was so tired at the end of the day, mentally and physically that I got on a shelf myself, in between two boxes, resting my feet up on one and resting my head on another. It is dirty in the warehouse if you look close enough. Dust and grime. I did not get through many boxes at all. My partner did pretty good. I still need decisions made in order to go through 66 of the boxes. My boss does not seem to be able to do that. But I guess I am going to just go with the flow. She makes up her mind, I look in the boxes. She doesn't I tell the project lead I can't and why not.
I ate cookies that my partner had lin her stash late afternoon because it was the only food in the warehouse and I was famished. My boiled eggs and slice of cheese and pumpkin seeds (did not need that salt!!) just did not get me through the entire day. I plan to be more prepared on Monday. Way more prepared. There's a small refrigerator and a microwave. I have a plan and I am sticking to it.
Here's my plan. I have that talking scale. I am exactly at my "starting weight" which was my scary weight right after New Year's Day. The scale goes ten pounds at a time. So I am going to use it daily and not the one where I see The Number. Unfortunately I know the Number but not facing the Number each day might be better. It's an experiment. So the Mary Lou scale each morning is part of the Plan. Now the next is my food plan. I pulled down my South Beach to look over phase one. I found Phase one easy to remember and follow for a week or so. I am calling this a de-tox plan. Since I have been allowing foods like cookies, cupcakes and the like I want to get back to a habit of not eating those at all. So South Beach Phase I only involves the other kind of carbs, the good carbs. No breads and cereals. I am going to do it for a week, starting today and then see how I feel. Simple
Simple? I hope so unless I complicate it. I am going to use the recipes because they look good and make it more inviting. Today for breakfast I am having my trusty spinach omelet. I love spinach so I am looking forward to it. Then for lunch I have a large supply of lettuce and I have salmon for a nice big fat salmon salad. Snacks are always a dilemma, and I wish I could give them up entirely. But that is not reality. So, low fat cheese sticks, celery, raw veggies. As soon as I have the energy (which is low this morning) I can go to my produce store. One trusty snack on SB I is a wrap, lettuce or cabbage wrapping a couple of slices of turkey or ham with a smear of mustard or low fat mayo. Yum.
I just need to get back to habits of food that won't make me gain and food that will help me lose. I think I need to adjust to the hormone thing. Maybe I can invent my own Hormone Food Plan. I feel like it's harder to lose with the HTR but I could be bullshitting myself because in reality I am eating willy nilly. I will see what happens in this week of experimentation. My trusty South Beach book has easy recipes with normal every day ingredients. Stuff I can afford. I will also use the protiens from the Crack Diet list.
So let's see how this works. I will report every day. Today and tomorrow are a challenge because I am traveling. That's why I want to go to my produce store so I can chop up a bunch of celery, broc, cauliflower, etc to have on hand for any munchies. Plus I need some cheese sticks for the protein, and of course I need to boil a supply of my trusty boiled eggs for a protein fix.
Exercise? I thought of the gym but I am still feeling wiped out. So at Mom and Dad's in the country this evening I think I will walk/jog the clearing. It's a big area that my Mom mom used to do laps around. I can't recall how many laps are a mile but she will tell me. I can do that and my push ups and other floor exercises. Right now I am still sleepy and tired. Just had the inspiration to get the South Beach book down and pump myself up mentally by reading it. Ten pounds is all I am aiming for. Ten pounds is all I want to lose. Me, the talking scale, and South Beach. Let's see if I can put a dent in this gain...
I ate cookies that my partner had lin her stash late afternoon because it was the only food in the warehouse and I was famished. My boiled eggs and slice of cheese and pumpkin seeds (did not need that salt!!) just did not get me through the entire day. I plan to be more prepared on Monday. Way more prepared. There's a small refrigerator and a microwave. I have a plan and I am sticking to it.
Here's my plan. I have that talking scale. I am exactly at my "starting weight" which was my scary weight right after New Year's Day. The scale goes ten pounds at a time. So I am going to use it daily and not the one where I see The Number. Unfortunately I know the Number but not facing the Number each day might be better. It's an experiment. So the Mary Lou scale each morning is part of the Plan. Now the next is my food plan. I pulled down my South Beach to look over phase one. I found Phase one easy to remember and follow for a week or so. I am calling this a de-tox plan. Since I have been allowing foods like cookies, cupcakes and the like I want to get back to a habit of not eating those at all. So South Beach Phase I only involves the other kind of carbs, the good carbs. No breads and cereals. I am going to do it for a week, starting today and then see how I feel. Simple
Simple? I hope so unless I complicate it. I am going to use the recipes because they look good and make it more inviting. Today for breakfast I am having my trusty spinach omelet. I love spinach so I am looking forward to it. Then for lunch I have a large supply of lettuce and I have salmon for a nice big fat salmon salad. Snacks are always a dilemma, and I wish I could give them up entirely. But that is not reality. So, low fat cheese sticks, celery, raw veggies. As soon as I have the energy (which is low this morning) I can go to my produce store. One trusty snack on SB I is a wrap, lettuce or cabbage wrapping a couple of slices of turkey or ham with a smear of mustard or low fat mayo. Yum.
I just need to get back to habits of food that won't make me gain and food that will help me lose. I think I need to adjust to the hormone thing. Maybe I can invent my own Hormone Food Plan. I feel like it's harder to lose with the HTR but I could be bullshitting myself because in reality I am eating willy nilly. I will see what happens in this week of experimentation. My trusty South Beach book has easy recipes with normal every day ingredients. Stuff I can afford. I will also use the protiens from the Crack Diet list.
So let's see how this works. I will report every day. Today and tomorrow are a challenge because I am traveling. That's why I want to go to my produce store so I can chop up a bunch of celery, broc, cauliflower, etc to have on hand for any munchies. Plus I need some cheese sticks for the protein, and of course I need to boil a supply of my trusty boiled eggs for a protein fix.
Exercise? I thought of the gym but I am still feeling wiped out. So at Mom and Dad's in the country this evening I think I will walk/jog the clearing. It's a big area that my Mom mom used to do laps around. I can't recall how many laps are a mile but she will tell me. I can do that and my push ups and other floor exercises. Right now I am still sleepy and tired. Just had the inspiration to get the South Beach book down and pump myself up mentally by reading it. Ten pounds is all I am aiming for. Ten pounds is all I want to lose. Me, the talking scale, and South Beach. Let's see if I can put a dent in this gain...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Not Eating Cupcakes
I spent today at the Warehouse digging through boxes of documents, lifting, stooping, bending, running up and downstairs. I liked the physical part. The brain work was OK but tedious. It is part of the Project. The "end of an era" Project. So I got lots of exercise and I am happy about that. Yesterday was stressful. I started at the Warehouse but had to go back to the office for the afternoon and then had to unexpectedly leave early and get Grandson. Daughter had a school project and needed supplies. I had to take work home to prep for today at the Warehouse. Grandson lost his phone while out running around with friends in the evening. I had to pick him up not long after finishing shopping with Daughter. I was trying to do my work, too. Time is running out on Warehouse Project because it has one of those corporate BS unrealistic Deadlines...
So then came the set up. Daughter made a batch of cupcakes for a school project. Get this, she only needed one cupcake for the project. So She made a big mess and then stressed out and went to her room for a bit planning to clean up later (I did not know the plan). I come downstairs feeling stressed and see huge mess and un-iced cupcakes. Of course to this food junkie the most important task was icing those cupcakes - so I could put them away - yea right. So I commence to icing the cupcakes. I try to get Grandson to eat one and he refuses. I start popping cupcakes like drugs or something. And let me tell you they felt like a drug at the time. Sugar Ecstasy or something. I had five. They were kinda small (yea, that's it, small) This is bad I know. Then I came to my senses and stopped ant went upstairs, hating myself only for a few minutes, surrendering and moving on.
Today I ate boiled eggs at the warehouse, a protein bar and a tangerine, a piece of cheese and some coffee. I made a huge salad with salmon when I got home and ate that. I then saw cupcakes (why don't the darn kids eat them - I am gonna throw them out) I had one bite and said "nothing doing" and put it down. No cupcakes. No deal. I am over it. Food was good for a few days and that's all for the BS of cupcakes. So I am sitting in front of the fire with my computer NOT EATING CUPCAKES - I think I will have some carrots.
This is a stressful time. Warehouse Project takes up my time but I get e mails from people wanting me to do Normal Job. Normal Job still exists. But tomorrow is Friday and I will run around Warehouse most of the day. Lifting, stooping, bending and getting my workout!!
NO MORE CUPCAKES !!!!!!!
So then came the set up. Daughter made a batch of cupcakes for a school project. Get this, she only needed one cupcake for the project. So She made a big mess and then stressed out and went to her room for a bit planning to clean up later (I did not know the plan). I come downstairs feeling stressed and see huge mess and un-iced cupcakes. Of course to this food junkie the most important task was icing those cupcakes - so I could put them away - yea right. So I commence to icing the cupcakes. I try to get Grandson to eat one and he refuses. I start popping cupcakes like drugs or something. And let me tell you they felt like a drug at the time. Sugar Ecstasy or something. I had five. They were kinda small (yea, that's it, small) This is bad I know. Then I came to my senses and stopped ant went upstairs, hating myself only for a few minutes, surrendering and moving on.
Today I ate boiled eggs at the warehouse, a protein bar and a tangerine, a piece of cheese and some coffee. I made a huge salad with salmon when I got home and ate that. I then saw cupcakes (why don't the darn kids eat them - I am gonna throw them out) I had one bite and said "nothing doing" and put it down. No cupcakes. No deal. I am over it. Food was good for a few days and that's all for the BS of cupcakes. So I am sitting in front of the fire with my computer NOT EATING CUPCAKES - I think I will have some carrots.
This is a stressful time. Warehouse Project takes up my time but I get e mails from people wanting me to do Normal Job. Normal Job still exists. But tomorrow is Friday and I will run around Warehouse most of the day. Lifting, stooping, bending and getting my workout!!
NO MORE CUPCAKES !!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Not Eating Pasta
I am blogging instead of eating pasta. I started eating some and I stopped. I had a non scale victory moment today. I was at the warehouse to do my boxes of documents review. The guy in charge was telling me that I would need help lifting the boxes and he commented - they keep sending the "skinny girls" over. I was classified with the skinny girls. I felt far from a skinny girl this morning but guess what, I will take it. I wanted to give him a big hug or ask him to marry me. But he is already married. Anyhow. I am not eating pasta. I made myself a serving. I had a couple of bites then I put it away. Not doing it. Today after Grandson's honors band concert I took him to get ice cream. I had a diet coke. That's a non scale victory. Drinking diet soda while somebody eats ice cream. This better work....
Quick Surrender
I am down about two pounds. The Mary Lou "platform" (for those who hate word scale) clapped for me today for the first time since I can recall. I still feel like a huge blob even though in reality I am not a huge blob. I just have body fat that I got used to not having. I can take this off but right now I hate having it on me. I have been good with my food. But I am going to have to be better. Now that I am paying attention I see where the calories "slip" in and where I need to be more careful. I slipped away around Thanksgiving and never fully returned. So now I am fully committed to the not slipping away part. It is not worth it. Because slipping away makes my work harder, and slipping away leads to more slipping away. So, I surrender completely to the idea that I need to go back to what I was doing when I lost and maintained. It was no big deal, in fact I called it the Lazy Girl's Program. But it worked. I feel discouraged every time I feel my belly fat but I have to press on and ignore it. When I get that feeling I can drop and do push ups and ab stuff. If I am not where I can do that I can take a walk, go up and down steps. Or just remind myself mentally that this will pass. I am taking care of myself now. It's temporary...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Applying the Principles That Work
I have been reading my old posts (and other blogs as well). I needed to remind myself of how I got here. How I lost weight steadily since 2005, how to arrest a gain cycle and get back on track. I found this statement in a post from two years ago. I was twenty pounds heavier than I am today. And, at that point I had already lost a substantial amount of weight, about 30 pounds. I was experiencing a setback and here's what I said:
The horror of gaining weight is upon me. I want green things and whole grains. I want to cook some steel cut oats so they will be ready for the morning. I want to prepare a big fat salad to take to work. I want to be ready for combat. The noodles are gone. That is over. I thought of ice cream but never acted on it. Maybe its over now. I can walk off the bloat.
I love this. I can apply it today. I was scared straight so to speak. I'd written how much I'd eaten. It was far more than what I have been eating lately. But it's the same principle. I had the desire to get back into the solution. And I knew then and know now what the solution is. I can do this. I am ready for combat.
We keep moving on, over and over, as many times as it takes.
The horror of gaining weight is upon me. I want green things and whole grains. I want to cook some steel cut oats so they will be ready for the morning. I want to prepare a big fat salad to take to work. I want to be ready for combat. The noodles are gone. That is over. I thought of ice cream but never acted on it. Maybe its over now. I can walk off the bloat.
I love this. I can apply it today. I was scared straight so to speak. I'd written how much I'd eaten. It was far more than what I have been eating lately. But it's the same principle. I had the desire to get back into the solution. And I knew then and know now what the solution is. I can do this. I am ready for combat.
We keep moving on, over and over, as many times as it takes.
Friday, March 6, 2009
I Love Friday Just Because
Ahhhhhhhhhhh Friday. Still feel sloshy. But I am feeling better. Appears I am not alone in my battle of the bulge. Panic set in when it got in the low 80's today and I thought of my summer clothes. I hate wearing lots of clothes when it's hot. I like thin things and shorts or capri's. I hate feeling hot and stuffy in suffocating garb. So I decided to face facts and I got in the closet tonight. Besides, I wanted to enjoy the evening air and my jeans were hot. I tried on the 8's in a capri and shorts. I was thrilled that they zipped - thank goodness for stretch fabric. The fit is snug. and wearable, but there's this poof that pours over the waistline. "No biggie," I thought. I can take this on. I have been in far worse situations! So I am feeling pretty good tonight. I stuck with nice healthy low salt stuff and I am finished eating for the day, lounging in my chaise - which is still sitting in front of the fire place. I have to move it back to it's Summer spot in the living room since there won't be a fire this weekend. I'd like one more fire though before the season ends.
My weight was up a couple pounds this a.m. and it pissed me off but I am over it now. It's gonna go right back down. Soon. I am back to basic good healthy behavior and the past is the past. I did not try on my 6's but I only have a couple of those anyway. I was not going to set myself up for disappointment. I can trim off the winter bulge and get over it all. I know what to do and I accept it now. Not going to make this a battle with myself or a self loathing episode. I have come too far in healing my relationship with me. Hooray for that.
As for work, I find it better not to engage in talk with other employees about the job loss situation. Most folks get pretty negative eventually when we go there. I am dedicated to staying as positive as I can. I have moments of blue anyway and I don't need to add any more. A guy I worked with in the past called yesterday and asked how I was doing. He had heard about the plans to move our jobs to Ohio. I told him I was fine but asked could I use him as a reference. He said of course, and that he'd love to have me working with/for him. I said I could not move to southern CA for a couple of years yet and he said everything is e-mail and phones these days anyway. So I said I'd be glad to work from home with regular trips to SoCal. And I sent him my resume. He forwarded it to some VP lawyers. Maybe they will create me a position working from home. My dream job. Working from home with trips to CA! It's tedious contracting work, but at least I know I am qualified.
On a side note I got the new washer and dryer today, compliments of landlord. Our washer broke and landlord let me shop for the new set. I bought them and took it off the rent. They are humming away in the background as I write. More capacity. Brand new. Makes laundry almost exciting. But not quite. The kids are way more excited about the new appliances than I am. That's funny. Serious laundry doers they are, and I am proud of them for it.
Well anyway, I am not quite as sloshy tonight and I am having an optimistic moment so I am going to savor it. Daughter is visiting a friend. Grandson went jogging with a new buddy in the neighborhood and is home now - doing laundry ..hee hee. So all is well in my world.
My weight was up a couple pounds this a.m. and it pissed me off but I am over it now. It's gonna go right back down. Soon. I am back to basic good healthy behavior and the past is the past. I did not try on my 6's but I only have a couple of those anyway. I was not going to set myself up for disappointment. I can trim off the winter bulge and get over it all. I know what to do and I accept it now. Not going to make this a battle with myself or a self loathing episode. I have come too far in healing my relationship with me. Hooray for that.
As for work, I find it better not to engage in talk with other employees about the job loss situation. Most folks get pretty negative eventually when we go there. I am dedicated to staying as positive as I can. I have moments of blue anyway and I don't need to add any more. A guy I worked with in the past called yesterday and asked how I was doing. He had heard about the plans to move our jobs to Ohio. I told him I was fine but asked could I use him as a reference. He said of course, and that he'd love to have me working with/for him. I said I could not move to southern CA for a couple of years yet and he said everything is e-mail and phones these days anyway. So I said I'd be glad to work from home with regular trips to SoCal. And I sent him my resume. He forwarded it to some VP lawyers. Maybe they will create me a position working from home. My dream job. Working from home with trips to CA! It's tedious contracting work, but at least I know I am qualified.
On a side note I got the new washer and dryer today, compliments of landlord. Our washer broke and landlord let me shop for the new set. I bought them and took it off the rent. They are humming away in the background as I write. More capacity. Brand new. Makes laundry almost exciting. But not quite. The kids are way more excited about the new appliances than I am. That's funny. Serious laundry doers they are, and I am proud of them for it.
Well anyway, I am not quite as sloshy tonight and I am having an optimistic moment so I am going to savor it. Daughter is visiting a friend. Grandson went jogging with a new buddy in the neighborhood and is home now - doing laundry ..hee hee. So all is well in my world.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Sloshy
Ok, I feel sloshy. That's the perfect word to describe it. Carb slosh. That's what it is. I forgot my lunch today. I ate a protein bar and had a frozen coffee light for lunch. I had a half a pop tart for breakfast and coffee. Then I had snack wells from the vending machine for snack and I don't consider them snacking well at all. Oh, morning snack was baked lays potato chips from the vending machine. Then there was green popcorn. I write all this because I need to face up to the deal here. I am out there in no man's land with food. It could be worse, but it needs to be better. I don't want to even talk about dinner. I need the Drastic. Maybe a modified Drastic or a realistic Drastic. But some kind of Drastic.
The roller coaster at the office is getting to me somewhat. I have been combing job openings and being mostly positive but then I find myself having moments of sheer stress. Plus I have this project - examining some 270 boxes of documents at the warehouse for destruction or retention, then what gets retained will be scanned and then....I review all the scans and categorize them. Yes, me, just me. It sounds daunting, in addition to my regular job. It's work and it all pays the same but it made me a bit nervous once I wrapped my head around the volume of it. It seems menacing and looming at the moment. I wish I could think of it as a refreshing change from my "normal" job but there is no normal anymore. It think someone said each box could contain 5000 pieces of paper. Not that I look at every sheet...but still...wow.
I don't want to stress eat and I think I need to admit that I am. I am not constantly craving food but I am gravitating to the food and trying not to think about it. I need to think about it. Plan for it and be done with it. Lack of preparation got me today. So tomorrow I must make it a point to be ready tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day, right?
The roller coaster at the office is getting to me somewhat. I have been combing job openings and being mostly positive but then I find myself having moments of sheer stress. Plus I have this project - examining some 270 boxes of documents at the warehouse for destruction or retention, then what gets retained will be scanned and then....I review all the scans and categorize them. Yes, me, just me. It sounds daunting, in addition to my regular job. It's work and it all pays the same but it made me a bit nervous once I wrapped my head around the volume of it. It seems menacing and looming at the moment. I wish I could think of it as a refreshing change from my "normal" job but there is no normal anymore. It think someone said each box could contain 5000 pieces of paper. Not that I look at every sheet...but still...wow.
I don't want to stress eat and I think I need to admit that I am. I am not constantly craving food but I am gravitating to the food and trying not to think about it. I need to think about it. Plan for it and be done with it. Lack of preparation got me today. So tomorrow I must make it a point to be ready tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day, right?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tuesday Notes
Today was the first decent eating day I have had in a while. I can go to bed without regrets. It's day 5 -I think- on the hormones. I have felt some puffiness but that can be reduced by paying attention to what I eat. Just getting back to my lean protein, high fiber, lower carb regimen for a day has made me feel better. I went to gym tonight for cardio. And then I stocked up on my healthy stuff. I have not been eating terribly, but I have not been paying attention and when I don't pay attention the intake steadily increases. So I want to get back to the Drastic - remember the Drastic? Helen invented the Drastic last year I think. It works. It really does!
Speaking of drastic, I sent resumes to three different job opportunities today. I am not in a hurry to leave my current job but since it is going to leave me at some point in the not too distant future, I thought I would at least get into practice. I am not perfectly qualified for any of them and only one of them made me really excited. It is the program chair for a paralegal program at a school. Not a university, a vocational school. It sounded fun. I was fairly warm toward another, a compliance specialist in lending. The other was for drafting contracts and proposals for sales people in a "fast paced, stay late with short notice, strict deadline" environment. Not exactly my cup of tea but I gave it a shot. Now that I think about it, I am qualified for all three as far as I am concerned. I'd need some training here and there but I feel qualified. I want to explore job openings that I feel excited about. I am watching the job market for interesting stuff. Stuff that does not make me go "ick" while reading the description (hee hee).
I am up and down about this new era in my career. Sometimes the idea of interviewing sounds fun and exciting, and then there are moments where I cannot imagine doing it at all. I have not interviewed for a job in seven years I think... So sending resumes and cover letters is the first step. I'd like to land an interview here and there just for practice in anticipation of getting my actual notice. People aren't saying a whole lot at work about the situation. But the "project" is moving forward. I am training for certain "project" related projects this week. My daily duties will change, get busy, get different and then go away. There is an element of excitement in it all but then there is a sad side and a slightly scary side.
Enough of that. I don't want to dwell on that situation. Just take the right steps and then enjoy life. There is much to enjoy in life. Yesterday I had to take each kid to a different doctor. I took several hours off of work to accomplish this. While walking through the medical building with my daughter in search of vending machines (so I could get a diet coke) I had a moment of deep appreciation. We were just giggling around in the medical center hallway and I realized how much fun we were having just going to the doctor. Just being together. I have been doing that a lot lately. Realizing how pleasant the present can be and savoring it, cherishing it.
More will be revealed!! Hopefully on the scale tomorrow morning...well hopefully less will be revealed on the scale tomorrow if I can help it.
Speaking of drastic, I sent resumes to three different job opportunities today. I am not in a hurry to leave my current job but since it is going to leave me at some point in the not too distant future, I thought I would at least get into practice. I am not perfectly qualified for any of them and only one of them made me really excited. It is the program chair for a paralegal program at a school. Not a university, a vocational school. It sounded fun. I was fairly warm toward another, a compliance specialist in lending. The other was for drafting contracts and proposals for sales people in a "fast paced, stay late with short notice, strict deadline" environment. Not exactly my cup of tea but I gave it a shot. Now that I think about it, I am qualified for all three as far as I am concerned. I'd need some training here and there but I feel qualified. I want to explore job openings that I feel excited about. I am watching the job market for interesting stuff. Stuff that does not make me go "ick" while reading the description (hee hee).
I am up and down about this new era in my career. Sometimes the idea of interviewing sounds fun and exciting, and then there are moments where I cannot imagine doing it at all. I have not interviewed for a job in seven years I think... So sending resumes and cover letters is the first step. I'd like to land an interview here and there just for practice in anticipation of getting my actual notice. People aren't saying a whole lot at work about the situation. But the "project" is moving forward. I am training for certain "project" related projects this week. My daily duties will change, get busy, get different and then go away. There is an element of excitement in it all but then there is a sad side and a slightly scary side.
Enough of that. I don't want to dwell on that situation. Just take the right steps and then enjoy life. There is much to enjoy in life. Yesterday I had to take each kid to a different doctor. I took several hours off of work to accomplish this. While walking through the medical building with my daughter in search of vending machines (so I could get a diet coke) I had a moment of deep appreciation. We were just giggling around in the medical center hallway and I realized how much fun we were having just going to the doctor. Just being together. I have been doing that a lot lately. Realizing how pleasant the present can be and savoring it, cherishing it.
More will be revealed!! Hopefully on the scale tomorrow morning...well hopefully less will be revealed on the scale tomorrow if I can help it.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Sunday Morning Blog Fest
It is a chilly Sunday morning and I am sitting in front of the fireplace in my favorite chair. Very relaxing. I have my coffee and my breakfast (measured and counted) next to me. I feel good. It is so nice to catch up on every one's blogs. I have been behind. I have been blogging now for going on three years. It is amazing how much I have gotten to know people. I miss reading and finding out what is happening in their day to day lives. So I am having a nice, long, unlimited blog fest this morning! Here's my update..
Friday I want to the doctor. He referred to me as "slender" when he was talking about medical conditions. Funny I cannot recall exactly what he was saying - just the slender part! I'd lost 11 pounds since I saw him last. But since I have been focused on my gain from the holidays, and not my overall loss, it was a MAJOR shift in perspective for me. I stopped him and said "slender?" and he went over my weight history, from the highest point and told me I had done what few people are able to do. As far as he is concerned my weight is good where it is and he recommended not losing any more and staying the same. I have decided for now I am happy anywhere in the 150's but prefer the lower 150's and even the upper 140's. He does not consider me overweight and said that a few extra pounds was better than being under - he had a rationale, but I forgot it. It may be the bone loss stuff.
Boy, I needed that one. I floated out of that appointment. It was a celebration of how healthy I am and what I have accomplished. I am having blood work to check my cholesterol and things. I have not had blood work since the weight loss. It will be interesting. My ratio was at the very end of the range at my top weight. But that was because my good cholesterol was high enough to balance the bad, most likely due to exercise. I was right at the brink, though. I have to fast so I will get the blood drawn Monday or Tuesday morning.
The main outcome of the doctor visit was hormones. I am taking them now. A woman at work said something yesterday about it helping her with arthritis. That made me wonder if the arthritis flare up after the accident had any relationship to my drop in estrogen. Anyway, maybe I will get a benefit. Since there is a small weight fluctuation associated with hormones, I am back to tracking and measuring to make sure I know what my food intake is. Like last year when I took the prednisone, I am using this as an opportunity to get back on track. I like my doctor very much. He sat for a long time and discussed various hormone therapies and the risks and benefits. He talked about studies. He looked up costs. It was really nice.
The work week was a roller coaster. At Wednesday's big meeting we all sat together and listened to the general manager drone on about what is best for the company and the customer. I know people were probably thinking about what was best for them and their families, having been told the day before that they would be losing their jobs, but not exactly when. . And at the point of knowing your job is going away, do you really find the new business plan - the one that excludes you - of any interest? It is interesting to me up to a point and then it makes my stomach hurt a little or makes me feel kind of nauseated. But I have spent some time celebrating my own career accomplishments. I started feeling that way when I was putting together a resume. I try to stay positive but sometimes it feels strenuous.
I have been watching my food. I weighed less at the doctor's office fully clothed than I have been weighing at home first thing in the morning with no clothes. I may have lost a couple of pounds. I have not been weighing every day. My last gym visit was Thursday. Friday night I took the kids to the art museum for the evening. There was music, and of course art. That was a nice outing. Daughter brought a friend. Yesterday I took the long trip to see one of my sons. I did not get back until almost 10. So there has not been any exercise time for me so far this weekend. But it has been relaxing. Even the long drive was fairly relaxing except for the trip back which involved large trucks and buses passing me at close range in the falling snow and wind. More than anything my body is telling me I need rest.
I think I need to have a nice long day of relaxing activity. Taking frequent breaks while getting a few things accomplished here and there. I want to focus on things that make me feel positive about life. It is good to be home.
Friday I want to the doctor. He referred to me as "slender" when he was talking about medical conditions. Funny I cannot recall exactly what he was saying - just the slender part! I'd lost 11 pounds since I saw him last. But since I have been focused on my gain from the holidays, and not my overall loss, it was a MAJOR shift in perspective for me. I stopped him and said "slender?" and he went over my weight history, from the highest point and told me I had done what few people are able to do. As far as he is concerned my weight is good where it is and he recommended not losing any more and staying the same. I have decided for now I am happy anywhere in the 150's but prefer the lower 150's and even the upper 140's. He does not consider me overweight and said that a few extra pounds was better than being under - he had a rationale, but I forgot it. It may be the bone loss stuff.
Boy, I needed that one. I floated out of that appointment. It was a celebration of how healthy I am and what I have accomplished. I am having blood work to check my cholesterol and things. I have not had blood work since the weight loss. It will be interesting. My ratio was at the very end of the range at my top weight. But that was because my good cholesterol was high enough to balance the bad, most likely due to exercise. I was right at the brink, though. I have to fast so I will get the blood drawn Monday or Tuesday morning.
The main outcome of the doctor visit was hormones. I am taking them now. A woman at work said something yesterday about it helping her with arthritis. That made me wonder if the arthritis flare up after the accident had any relationship to my drop in estrogen. Anyway, maybe I will get a benefit. Since there is a small weight fluctuation associated with hormones, I am back to tracking and measuring to make sure I know what my food intake is. Like last year when I took the prednisone, I am using this as an opportunity to get back on track. I like my doctor very much. He sat for a long time and discussed various hormone therapies and the risks and benefits. He talked about studies. He looked up costs. It was really nice.
The work week was a roller coaster. At Wednesday's big meeting we all sat together and listened to the general manager drone on about what is best for the company and the customer. I know people were probably thinking about what was best for them and their families, having been told the day before that they would be losing their jobs, but not exactly when. . And at the point of knowing your job is going away, do you really find the new business plan - the one that excludes you - of any interest? It is interesting to me up to a point and then it makes my stomach hurt a little or makes me feel kind of nauseated. But I have spent some time celebrating my own career accomplishments. I started feeling that way when I was putting together a resume. I try to stay positive but sometimes it feels strenuous.
I have been watching my food. I weighed less at the doctor's office fully clothed than I have been weighing at home first thing in the morning with no clothes. I may have lost a couple of pounds. I have not been weighing every day. My last gym visit was Thursday. Friday night I took the kids to the art museum for the evening. There was music, and of course art. That was a nice outing. Daughter brought a friend. Yesterday I took the long trip to see one of my sons. I did not get back until almost 10. So there has not been any exercise time for me so far this weekend. But it has been relaxing. Even the long drive was fairly relaxing except for the trip back which involved large trucks and buses passing me at close range in the falling snow and wind. More than anything my body is telling me I need rest.
I think I need to have a nice long day of relaxing activity. Taking frequent breaks while getting a few things accomplished here and there. I want to focus on things that make me feel positive about life. It is good to be home.
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