Saturday, January 8, 2011

Into January Already!

How time passes so fast. I had a very nice Christmas. Only one meltdown on the 23rd. I did better with the food but oddly I ended up gaining the week after. Some things I did that worked well: I had delicious fruit on hand as an alternative to the traditional baked goods. I only baked cookies on Christmas Eve and it was one batch. I baked breads with whole grain flour and less sugar. I walked the dog after eating. The challenge was that I found myself constantly dealing with food, but I was so busy I think I ate less of it. But I believe I gained because I stayed in
Food mode after the holiday and continued to eat more than normal. I have been feeling a little sick this week and not drinking my usual amount of water so I am hoping this weeks pounds can go away quickly. I hate the feeling of tightness in clothes and I feel every extra pound. Then I don't want to go anywhere as if the world will know and judge me for it. That part is very silly. The isolation is part of my problem.

I still have not rented out the house. I had one prospect that said they wanted it February if I did not rent it out before then but she has not returned the paperwork or my calls. I hate dealing with people like this. They all seem so self centered, irresponsible and wanting something for nothing sometimes. They don't respect a contract that they sign they just do what they need to do to get what they want when they want it even if it involves lying. I had to get that off my chest, I think I just have had a bad experience or two and I am getting jaded about people. I wish I did not have to deal with this but deal I must so I will try and get my positive thinking going. I cannot afford to slip into depression. I already feel it tugging at me.

I think I am going to go ahead and spend the money to go to the gym. I feel so sluggish and it always helped in the past. My best times involved gym visits. I need to do what works.

On January 3rd I always think back to 2005 when I hit bottom at about 206 pounds. I am over 40 pounds less than that this year, but long to be the 15 or even 20 pounds less that I was in 2008. It felt victorious and new. Now I feel scared and out of control. Climbing up instead of down. I feel like a failure or that I spoiled my victory. And it is all about food. Stupid food. Food that is supposed to be used to sustain and energize not harm and humiliate. What's the deal? I don't want to take good things and make them bad anymore. Sometimes I look back on my life and see constant struggle. I guess that's why I named this blog I surrender. I want to stop struggling and start living.

I noticed that in the years I blogged more, my weight was better. And I was happier. Do I blog less because my weight is up, or is my weight up because I blog less? I think that there is a correlation, but not so simple. I am happier when I communicate with others and have friendship and support in my life. It is easier to have goals and be accountable. Today I am trying to dig through the wreckage of my room, it is full of dust, and debris. I am throwing things away and trying to organize what is left. I want my living space to appeal to me again. All these things make a difference. I feel really swollen and bloated today. I want out of this body!
So I am flushing myself out with water.

More will be revealed..

1 comment:

Vickie said...
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