Saturday Morning

I am at a restaurant cafe having a breakfast power sandwich with lots of protein and some coffee. I dropped daughter off at work and I have some time to kill before showing the house. I have been emotional the past couple days more than usual and reading blogs helped me remember that it happens when we stop medicating, numbing or otherwise distracting ourselves with food.

I realize I have been in a covert form of victim mode possibly since the announcement of layoffs almost two years ago when I was going to lose my job. I exacerbated it by dabbling in an icky ex boyfriend relationship off and on. My emotional reactions to some other events crossed the victim line as well. Victim = eating for me. I try hard to process what happens to me and think positive, think solution, and keep moving. But perhaps I could not keep up with the volume. I did not even see how much I was turning to food. At an intellectual level at times but I felt I was choosing it and was in control. I don't want to get caught up in too much self examination to the point of wallowing in morbid reflection but I do want to be aware of what triggers negative coping skills and patterns.

And, what promotes healthy coping skills and patterns? External support, for one - be it a group, an organization, healthy friends - providing I actually contact them and spend time with them. I think that the blogging is fantastic. I also need some in person support. This gets tricky. I have to break through the isolationist thinking, the fear, the "I am not good enough" the "I don't like anyone" the "I don't belong" undercurrents that accompany my low points. I have to be brave, determined and summon help from a spiritual source, too.

I refuse to hide anymore but I don't know quite where I want to go to emerge. I'd like a group that deals with eating issues, even if it is mostly geared toward weight loss and not a recovery program. Perhaps I need both. I have to start somewhere.

This morning I am showing the house to an inferior candidate but the only one I have at the moment, I have been speaking with a broker who does rent to own type things but selling is not my intention at the moment because of the value verses loan balance. He is brainstorming and may actually help find a tenant. So I am keeping the faith and paying the mortgage and not focusing on my dwindling resources. I have been much worse off in my life. Much.

I am going into this day a little sleep deprived and hoping for a nap later. Also exercise is an absolute must today. I may go pay my gym dues. They have classes there. Yoga. I HAVE to start connecting. It is getting to the point where I have begun to tell myself I can't connect with people, that I have lost that skill or ability. This cannot be true.

OK gotta get ready to go to the house. Have not been there in over a week. I always fear it has been vandalized but so far nothing has happened.

More will be revealed.