Old and Fat

And lazy. This may not be a pretty post. But I find it necessary. In my forties I gained a significant amount of weight, some 40 or so pounds. At my highest weigh-in I was 209 pounds. As I began to lose I would often tell myself that I could not avoid getting old but I could do something about the fat. When I say fat I mean body fat, the real thing. I was fortunate. I took a sometimes very relaxed approach but I made steady and slow progress until I lost over 50 pounds being at my lowest maybe 146 for a fleeting moment. I felt good anywhere around the low to mid 150's but I had also worked out during these years and had some muscle. I have been told by an older friend that at our age where muscle is concerned it is use it or lose it. I do not believe I have been to the gym in six months. That is where I get my weight training. At home I have some hand weights I use but that does nothing for the rest of my body. I weigh 162 today. There is more fat there than there was a year ago. Fat that I cannot afford.

I feel tired much of the time and I am not motivated. Even though I am less than I weigh years ago at that top weight I feel perhaps as strong of a sense of crisis about this as I did then. I cannot afford this weight. And I cannot afford this lifestyle. My happiness and my health are both compromised. Would I have more energy if I changed the way I eat and worked out? I sure hope so! I believe I would. Would I have more energy if I weighed less? Yes and no. Yes if I ate healthy, no if starved or ate junk. Would I feel better in other ways? Yes.

I don't want to make excuses for my body and say "at least I kept most of the weight off" or "it is better than it was and I should appreciate it" because those lines keep me from doing anything about what is still a health problem. I notice now that when I gain my belly instantly feels it. I think of heart disease.

I need to get off my rear end literally and stop toying around. I am lucky, yes, that I only have 20 pounds to lose. Or even 15 to be a normal body mass index. But I do not want to be at the tip of the normal BMI teetering on the brink of overweight. I want to be a safe distance from overweight. Because where I am does not feel good at all. I want to raise the bar. Set a new standard and take control.

In the past year I have seen myself aging. I have been feeling like this is it. Nothing exciting will happen anymore, I will not ever fall in love or be fallen in love with again, no one takes me seriously, blah blah blah, because I am old. And, it's all over. It's all downhill. I do not know why this thinking has slithered into my head. I do not like it at all and if I think about it I don't actually believe it has to be true. But if I keep thinking it I will make it true. Exciting things can and do happen over 50. People fall in love at any age. Where is this negativity coming from? I don't even need to find the cause, I need to kick it out of my head.

I must be true to myself every day, and every decision. Sometimes I come home and night and I don't care if I gain or lose, I just want to lay down and shut out the world. I am tired from a stressful workday and I feel alone. I don't feel like going to a gym or cooking healthy food. I have to combat this. Maybe I should go to the gym straight from work and de-stress. Perhaps I should bring something I can eat for dinner to work with me. I could at least do this a couple of days a week. The kids would be fine. They are teens and sometimes they are not even home. They could make dinner. I can keep cooked chicken, boiled eggs, cottage cheese, and other lean proteins on hand at ALL times. I can steam broccoli in mass quantities. There is a way to do this.

I am tired of being tired. Something is going to change. Mentally and physically. I refuse to be "fat" and I refuse to discriminate against myself on basis of age!