Acceptance

I have reached a new level of surrender and acceptance. As I begin to focus more on taking care if me, I see how much I neglected myself, especially in some areas of my health. Some of it was a rude shock but shortly after the shock I find that I am able to forgive myself, mostly, and deal with what is left, what I have today. The past is over. I am dealing with the consequences of the past, but the past is gone. I have the here and now, I'm still alive and I have the resources to make my life better. I can find out what makes me happy and do those things to heal and thrive, and move on. I feel peace with myself and everyone else more now than ever.

Update

Sorry about the last post, my phone did that. My foot started hurting again and I am at the doctor. I am doing things to take better care if myself, including enjoying myself. I went horseback riding on Sunday and loved it. I also bought an easel and put it in my big empty room ( had the floors put in so we emptied it out) and I am drawing with water color pencil and water soluble wax. Also have my yoga mat, weights, stability ball in there. A reading chair, plants and music - it's evolving into a studio of sorts. My weight isn't going anywhere but now that I am getting back to taking care of me, that should change soon.

🐖🐖

Things are a little crazy

Problems with grandson. Very busy and trying to resolve some things. Not gaining or losing.

Turning things around

Thursday evening I ran across a bag of candy I had forgotten. I started nibbling and then I stopped myself and decided to immediately begin exercising and continue for 30 minutes. I felt so good after that I decided to go to the gym and for another workout. I was so glad that I made that decision. Sometimes I don't want to leave the house and go to the gym but deciding to have an emergency session at home worked out great. All the candy has been removed.

No more candy

I barely had any trick or treaters. Next year I'm skipping it. I am going to try and return unopened bags, and give the rest away at the office.

So much for that. I made salsa and lemon balm tea.

Checking in on Candy day

I had a nice workout last night and I have a plan for this evening to deal with candy. I consider myself vulnerable - it has not been very long since my unfortunate candy eating ended. I have a nice bag of frozen mixed fruit for snacking this evening and hope to turn in early and watch some classic scary movies while sipping my own lemon balm tea made from the leaves of my homegrown herb.

Salad!

I used my own home grown tomatoes and fresh basil in this tuna, tomato and artichoke heart salad. The basil leaves add so much flavor that I do not use any dressing, reducing fat and calories. My blahs are getting better. Had a lovely hike and swim in Sunday and a great session with weights on Saturday. Also making sure to get plenty of sleep and rest.

The blahs

I have been feeling a little down and lacking enthusiasm. I think I was used to carb highs and comfort eating. Now I am out here in reality without a crutch. I did not feel like exercising last week but I did it anyway. I am hanging in there though and believing the blahs will pass. Not quite blue enough to be the blues.

Portioning

I have been cutting in half what I want to eat. After I eat it I wait a little bit to see if I need to eat the rest, or if I am satisfied. I can then either eat the rest, or save for later.

This stretches the food budget and tunes me in to how much I actually need.

I am also eating slower, a huge milestone for me. Since I don't starve myself, I am not famished when it is time to eat, inhaling food in a state of emergency. I am hungry but still have my wits about me.

Showing up

Went to first support group weigh-in last night. Glad I joined. It was small, informative and friendly. The main thing I want right now is some accountability and stability. Showing up at the same place at the same time and having my weight recorded will provide some of that plus its only about four miles away!

Showing up is important to me. Hiding out keeps me on the same old patterns.

Handling situations

I wanted to go to pot luck dinner last night for a support group I attend. I was not interested in eating, mainly wanted to hear the speakers and say hi to people. At first I thought about having a food budget for the event and trying to find foods that fit my needs but quickly ruled that out. Past experience has proven potluck food to be outside my parameters. So here's what I did: I ate before arriving, brought a large bottled water and hot tea, plus one stick of gum. I arrived shortly before the speakers, at the tail end of the eating part. That gave me time for any hellos. I ignored the food tables, they were nonexistent in my experience of the event.

I enjoyed the evening very much. I sipped my water and tea, and took in the event food free. At home afterward I had my planned evening meal and went to bed relaxed, happy and satisfied. This was all very easy.

Tallying successes

This week I had two perfect days and two not so bad days. All days were a huge improvement on the past couple of months. Never have I been so conscious of a gain and how it happened. I joined a non profit weight loss support group and got out of the house on three week nights. I'm looking back on the positives. I have tracked every day without fail even when I had extra food, staying in reality and out of denial. I've lost a couple of pounds but not officially weighing in until Monday.

Afternoon mini-meal

Tuna and tomato salad with black pepper - yum!

Joys of Yogurt

I use plain Greek yogurt for a meal. I choose the highest protein lowest carb version that I can find for the best price.  There is one with only 80 calories.  I also use it for dip and dressing, in place of sour cream.  I layer salsa on it for a dip, etc.  I freeze light, flavored yogurts for a treat.  Usually under 100 calories in a variety of flavors, it is like eating ice cream.  I take it out frozen and let it sit a while so it is easier to eat.  I love it.  It takes longer to eat and I feel satisfied.  Sometimes I mix a high fiber, high protein, low sugar ceral with yogurt. And sometimes I mix a little brown rice. The possibilities are endless.

Less is More

I think better when I eat less.  The carb surges and sluggishness, the rollercoaster blood sugar, all are a distraction and impact my mood. I have less anxiety now, and. more calm. Less guilt and inner conflict, more peace and confidence.

Evening Solution

Soup.  Low sodium, of course. It is comforting, filling, warm, soothing, and satisfying. It is low calorie (the kind I buy/make is!) and healthy. I can make my own. And, I can buy something canned and low sodium, low calorie and healthy, to keep on hand for when I can't make my own, run out, emergencies, etc. and so on. 

"Breakfast"

One thing I have proven to myself is that the earlier I start eating, the more I eat over the course of the day.  If I eat a big breakfast, I find that I want to eat more all day long.  This is probably because I am a compulsive eater, and my appetite has little to do with actual hunger. I don't have to understand it, to work with it, though.  I had a nutrition specialist once advise me to wait until at least 9 a.m. for breakfast.  And to eat smaller amounts, evenly spaced throughout the day. I love breakfast,but needs to be later, and more like a brunch. I start the day with coffee, with a little milk in it, and lots of water, until I am ready to eat. Then I have a small meal with a good amount of protein and low carb/sugar. This may horrify "experts" but for now it is going to stay that way.  My tracking will reveal what works best for me in the morning.

Satisfaction.

Writing down everything I eat, which is much easier when I eat less!  It felt very good at the end of the day yesterday to know exactly where I stood, and that I stuck to my goal for the day.  Satisfying.

thought for the day

this morning I read in the book "Food for Thought: "We should never think of abstinence as punishment. Eating too much food and the wrong kind of food was the real punishment."  Although I don't like "shoulds" I appreciate the reading, and I believe that abstaining from overeating is a lifesaving act of self love. 

Stable Weekend

Plenty of fresh air and exercise, and on track with food. Feel like a turtle but moving forward.

Up and Down

It makes me sad to admit that I have gained nine pounds since I wrote my last post. I hate admitting it.  Probably why I haven't blogged lately.  Things have been up and down and busy. I started eating more when I started working out more.  At first I thought that a little increase in appetite was not going to be so bad, and I believed that it would taper off as I adjusted to the increase in activity. I worked out faithfully but the eating kept increasing and taking on the old pattern of evening eating.  Then I started on sweets, not seeing a huge impact, getting away with a little here and there until it turned into cravings and old stuff. I felt like a drunk getting back on the booze.

It is discouraging but I am not defeated.  I have been here before. It seems like since the big loss I keep ending up at this 10 pound higher weight. I am not going to accept it and give up.  I am glad I stop gaining at this point, but I refuse to accept this as my weight.  I want that last 10 (which is now 20) pound loss. 

So I am detoxing. Sugars don't work well for me. They hurt me. Greens and leans help me.  Water helps me. Herbal tea. 

My personal life had been off, too.  Grandson moved out in the Summer, came back right before school started. We had a plan.  We worked out together, I drove him to the old school every day and picked him up.  He moved out all of sudden. Just decided not to come home one weekend after being out in old neighborhood all weekend. I don't want to go into it but that's been rollercoastery for me.  Also had incident in new neighborhood (which is really old neighborhood, hee hee) where we were driving down our street and had to stop because a group of young men had gathered in the middle of the street to fight, and someone fired a gun, yes a gun.  I had to back up and turn around.  It was frightening. 

So I guess sometimes I eat for protection.  I eat for comfort. I also eat because certain foods trigger addictive eating behavior. 

I can find security without food.  I can find comfort without using food. I can also abstain from certain foods.  I never liked the abstinence deal.  It scared me.  But does it scare me more than constantly lugging around these extra twenty pounds, plus the other health risks? Does it scare me more than always being conflicted with myself over my eating, always being disappointed, angry and frustrated with myself?

More will be revealed.  Today I am sticking with a plan.

Non-Scale Benefits

While running upstairs yesterday I realized that I felt lighter on my feet.   I thought about how much easier it is to do everyday chores while carrying less weight. It made me want to carry even less body weight, and I wondered with excitement what it would be like.   I want to know how that feels more than I want to eat extra food.  I want to know how it feels, and if it is not that great, then I can always eat more and gain weight back.. But first I want to know how it feels.  I still have the discomfort of body fat in several areas. I don't expect to be free of all fat, but I do want to see what it is like to have less fat. 

And, today I want that more than I want snacks, sugar, starch, high volume helpings, and so on.

Hoping to keep this thought all day and in the evening, too!

Swimming has been wonderful for my body. 

Growing flowers, herbs, and other plants heals me.

Onions curb my appetite.

I stay full on less when I have beans in my meal.

More will be revealed...

Six Years of Blogging

It is hot, very, very hot. I still go out on the back patio in the morning, and then do yard work but it gets sweaty pretty fast. I love mornings outside, sipping my coffee or tea, and reading.  I swam today. My arm, knee and back are feeling better so I tested swimming.  I felt very good afterward.  I will go again tomorrow. Today I made a bean salad that I plan to live on until it runs out.  Nice and cold. My flowers and plants are doing well. I love having plants in the house.  For many years I did not have house plants.  I got out of the habit because cats disturbed them. But so far, no problems.  Hoping to push through some barriers and lose another pound.  I'd like to have a little chunk off by my birthday, August 6th.  Maybe 5 pounds.  I miss the blogging we were doing back in 2006 when I started this journey. Wow! six years ago.  In this house, I started my weight loss and here I am back, over forty pounds lighter.  That is amazing. I am grateful for everyone who shared my ups and downs all these years!

Progress

I hit a new low weight today. Not an all time low, but low for the past couple of years.  I maintained for a couple of weeks at the 9 pound loss, but now I am moving on.  I remember when I was losing the Big Weight, I would lose and then maintain the loss for a little bit, then lose more. That worked well for me. I adjusted to the new weight and then inched down.  It took a long time, but I kept the bulk of it off.  Now that I have lived around the same weight for a few years, I realize that I am still a bit overweight and need to take off the last of it.  I want to get to the normal BMI, now only 4 pounds away, and then go a bit lower.  I do not want to teeter on the edge all the time. Plus, my body is too heavy to carry around. I want to feel a new lightness, with more agility. 

I have planted flowers in my front beds. I have a functional home now with all major appliances.  The house needs work, but I can slow down and do it at a pace that allows me to rest, relax, enjoy and get re-connected.  I'm adjusting to daughter moving out.  We get together, she comes over, etc.  We had pedicures together Saturday.  But I get pangs of sadness afterward.  I am happy about her move. It is a very positive move, but I still have the sad pangs.  I find myself wanting to load her up with stuff she needs, and last night I saw her tire was low... and I wanted to make sure she took care of it.. etc.

Grandson and I have a better relationship now. We even took a walk together last night with the dog. He has the luxury of being the only kid at home now.  I signed him up for the summer at the local gym only two miles away. I am going to join also - it is very convenient and has the basics. I keep lean meat and healthy food stocked for his weight lifter diet regimen. He likes it just being the two of us in the house and we agreed that we do not want to add more people to the household right now.

I have to get back to work, but want to get back to a regular blogging now that the moving marathon is over.

I am so grateful for losing the weight and keeping it off. And excited about losing more.

More will be revealed.

Moved

We completed the moving out part, and I only have one residence now, but I am not nearly set up.  This project wore me out. I lost 5 pounds. Grandson is with me part time, Daughter is in her own apartment. The nest is empty and the nest moved. It is quite an adjustment. More will be revealed..

Update

Been busy moving for what seems like forever. I have lost more weight. The past four days were like boot camp, non-stop sweating in the heat cleaning a two car garage full of stuff and emptying the contents of a four bedroom, 3 bath condo.  I have decided we are hoarders and this must be stopped. We are almost finished. I want to move on to graduation which is this weekend, and start celebrating, and living my life again. The whole housing thing has consumed much to all of my time since March 25th.. geez, enough already!!

Stalled but hopeful

I got a little sidetracked and stalled but moving on. Very busy. will update soon. I find I can paint and patch holes and do all kinds of handy things as I fix the damage to my house. Running into glitches but using them to demonstrate my patience!

All is well

Another Quickie Update - Happy Wednesday!

Life is busy and busy is good.  I am at my 5% goal and moving on to the 10%.  I think that my loss is at a reasonable/realistic pace.  I am happy with what I eat, and feeling better. I have more energy, I move easier, and my clothes are feeling better.  I decided to move back to my house that I own and stop being a landlord. Too stressful and I have no more money left to lose!  We are also leasing a small apartment near Daughter's school. The money I save living in my own house will pay for some if not all of the extra aparment. We are excited. I can move over the course of the next two months because I want to stay until the school year finishes. We also have a plan for Grandson's living situation during his senior year so he can stay in the same school. 

I love cutting grass at my house.  It is an hour workout with a push mower and it feels good to see the results. My trees are bigger now and blooming, my lilac bush is huge and in full bloom and I can't wait to grow a bunch of blooming bushes and flowers in the sunny front and back yards.  The inside of the house was left a mess, with very icky carpet and even damage to the walls this time, but now I can fix it up and live in it, instead of handing it over again.  I am not going to focus on how icky they left it, I will make it all nice again and enjoy it!. 

My next door neighbor who was cutting his grass (always a good sign) came over when he saw me getting ready to hoist my new lawnmower out of my trunk and insisted on helping me. His two young kids were working in the back yard picking up sticks, etc. It was nice. The neighborhood has calmed down since I lived there before. I have a very good friend about a mile and a half away who walks her dogs regularly, so I have a walking buddy!  I could go on but I have to work now.

More will be revealed.

Happy Happy

Things are going very well!!  I am not even phased by the last minute notice that my tenants are moving.  I am glad they are moving. I am very positive about getting new and better tenants soon.  I am dedicated to positive thinking and for me to feel okay, even relieved about turning over the rental yet again, is huge progress. There is just no point in stressing over things. I know what I need to do, and I do it. I am in my fourth week of WW, and I am down 7 pounds. I am eating a very healthy diet. Spinach, broccoli, fresh greens, brown and wild rice, plain greek yogurt, chicken breast, salmon and tuna are staples, among other things. I am keeping things simple.  Daughter got accepted into the film production program at her college of choice. Son came home and we are all happy about that. Things are smooth.  Work is busy.

More will be revealed!

Wednesday Quickie Afternoon Update

I had a nice weigh-in on Sunday (-3.5 lbs).  Friend and I decided to change to a Saturday morning 9 a.m. meeting.  Work and life are busy.  I am taking a few days off next week, so I will have five days off in a row starting on Friday night.  My son comes home to stay with us that evening and I wanted to be off a few days for the initial adjustments.  Must focus on taking care of me and taking care of the household, some spring cleaning is in order, which we have already started. 

I find my food in in a routine that did not require dramatic changes other than downsizing portions and eliminating some snack items altogether.  This fruit thing is not something I agree with though, because there are certain fruits I avoid - for example I have never found that I can lose weight while eating banannas.  Like nuts, for me they are difficult to manage. I want more.  I may be able to sprinkle a half of one in some cereal but it has not worked well in the past.  I hesitate to try it now. Maybe later. 

Focusing on keeping my moods in check and not over reacting to anything. Daughter had an anxiety/panic episode and we are dealing with that.  I have been able to help her more by staying calm myself and helping her focus on the here and now, etc.   Therapist is also very helpful with strategies.  I know this will pass.  My goal is to keep myself calm and steady and provide her the support she needs. 

Anyway, life is not perfect, but I'll take it. I am grateful for many things. Have to stop and make those mental gratitude lists from time to time.

More will be revealed.

Friday!!!!

I love Friday.  This has been a very good week. I have stayed in my parameters every day. I look forward to a weigh-in.  I am using whole foods for the majority if not all of my meals. Little mini-oranges, as I like to call them, save the day.  They give just enough of a taste and a sweetness for a safe and innocent in between meal refresher.  Doing a point analysis helps me sort out  the higher quality foods so that I get more out of what I eat.  I am making sure I get enough fiber and protein.   I no longer have that out of control, frustrated feeling.  I feel optimistic and good about myself. I feel like have something to look forward to.  I was in a muddy rut.  And now I am on pleasant and interesting path.

Tuesday

I have no idea what this is going to look like. I am posting the Sunflower in honor of cheefulness.  I was very grumpy about the WW meeting. It was crowded, etc. and long, stuff I already knew and so on. It seemed complicated.  I had a headache. My friend left a little early because the meeting did run on and on. But I was a dedicated trouper and stayed till the end. I bought a special calculator. It makes it easy to track things. After two days I can say that it has been very easy. I have not even grocery shopped yet. Just using what I have already and plugging it into my range. I also bought a pedometer which does not appear entirely accurate but even if I calcualte error rate and subtract some steps, it shows I do quite a bit of walking during the day. I knew I did. I wanted to measure it, though so I could feel good about it. It's not the same as a full blown work out session but it is substantially better than sitting all day. So, I have not suffered any unpleasant hunger as a result of being in the lowest point classification. I have switched from coffee to tea and I feel more calm than I used to feel during the day. Overall, I think I can do this.  More will be revealed.                             

Buddy System

I have a friend who has been very helpful in getting me out of the house.  Today she called and asked if I wanted to go to the zoo. It's a great place to walk and the weather was nice. My impulse was to stay home because I am in that mode where I don't feel like leaving the house. The difference in me now and when I used to get like this is now I DO leave the house even when I have that feeling.  So I went and it was a great outing.  She said she was joining weight watchers and that there's a 1pm Sunday meeting not far from where I live. So I said, I will join, too.  I think this will be good for me to go to a weekly meeting/weigh in and have a buddy to do it, too. Here is hoping for getting back to the normal body mass index.. it is really just around the corner.

Update

My browser is no longer supported by blogger..  I have been missing in action. I didn't know anyone was still looking at my blog and I appreciate the comments. I'm hanging in there with some winter depression, not losing or gaining weight but wishing I would take off at least ten pounds. A friend of mine died in December. She was a paralegal that I worked with for many years. When we got laid off we stayed in touch. Her niece rents my house.  She was diagnosed with an aggressive lung cancer and within two weeks was on life support. They took her off and she died.  I found myself having something close to panic attacks on the days leading up to her death. There was so little time.   I still have a hard time getting used to it. There is also the realization of our mortality. I feel reasonably healthy but there is room for improvement. I have been on the lower end of my mood spectrum.  I do go to the gym regularly for workouts.  Work is good, they like me very much. It feels good to be appreciated. Kids are doing good. Daughter is close to gradulation, has been accepted and awarded substantial scholarship (almost two thirds of the tuition) at the college of her choice.  I miss blogging. I find myself not feeling very connected. So this is a good place to start. Thanks for checking in on me. Sorry to be gone so long. It is good to be back..